Azrael

Desire comes from the ego? Which ego? Can you show it to me. I'd suggest that most seekers even here on the forum don't really want ego death. They might say it, but they really don't. They might want all the "benefits and goodies" that can arise out of an ego death, but to shoot themselves spiritually in the head for this? Most probably don't really wanna do that. And that is why they will spend most of their life trying to argue with you, not doing the work and being hypercritical about it. And I don't judge them, because what we are doing here is probably the most scary shit that you can do. Kill yourself while alive. If you really want ego death, go forward and take 5-MeO-DMT. Do your research and look for yourself. Look how it is to dissolve and if you can stand that. Those who can will be able to answer your question. Can the desire to produce ego death inhibit the experience itself? If you are really earnest about this, this will be a stage on the journey, yes. There comes the time where you kind of know that you live in your self-created illusion and just want to know the truth. At that stage you might go neurotic about every method you can exploit. And that's needed to see that there is nothing you can really do to make this shift happen. It comes to you. When you then finally are all fed up, quit on all levels and honestly say: "Fuck it, I had enough." - It may come to you. But this is nothing you could ever play. You cannot play god. Desire, as everything else, comes out of this no-thingness. Takes form like water bubbles in a glass, is present for some time, and then dissolves again as the still water. As everything else. Cheers,

.Onions are your friends. Look this method up. It's the safest if you want lab-tested stuff.

Dude, the whole game here is to play that you are not god and that what happens in your life could really be bad. We are as humans a dream that the ever-present I that we arise out of is not perfect and that we are really separate. And if you don't awaken before you die, probably in the last split-second you get that. And that's beautiful. Because, you live the most real dream that there could be and you really don't know before you have awakened whether this here is real or not. So have fun!

Normally, you can sit cross-legged when you can mediate for 20-30 minutes without much discomfort.

Try to sit down on your couch, sitting comfortably with eyes open. Don't look at the watch. "Do nothing." Whatever comes up is fine. Do this for 10 minutes the first month, 20 minutes the second and then look how it goes. This will help you. If you still feel very shitty at times doing this, ask yourself: How could it be that you feel so screwed when sitting comfortably. There's your starting point.

Yeah, I had similar experiences a while ago when I was still resting mostly in the belief that I'm an ego - starting out on this work. From that point on they came from time to time and intensified a lot until I had real long-lasting breakthrough experiences - kensho experiences I'd say. You probably tap into your own awakening here. Keep doing your stuff and look. Maybe the matrix starts to pop open and gives you more of this (I'd guess so). Cheers

Cheers to you, dude. That sounds amazing. I also started out on this journey being a hyper-critical atheist. The deeper you go and the more experiences you make - the more your day to day life turns into a mystical experience - any normal labels like being an atheist or being religious doesn't make any sense at all anymore. You tap into something you never knew existed, the stuff out of everything is made of. Here real spirituality begins. Enjoy the ride

You are all the time in the present moment, so calm down. You are doing just fine. But I know what you are thinking right now... You wanna have this calm mind, being ever-present and seeing all things arise and go in front of yourself while being completely still. Well, re-watch Leo's video on free will. If you beat yourself up for not being clear-minded, all what you are doing is playing a very nuanced and sick game with yourself that you just can't do it. And this will continue - nonetheless how much meditation you do, seminars you take or books you read - until you realize the following: You are right now exactly how you should be... and you are mastering every bit of it. When you are fighting with yourself, you are mastering that. When you are trying to be calm, you are mastering that. When you are on the verge of giving up and loosing it... yes, you are even mastering that. You are mastering in every of these moments the game that you really are suffering and something has to happen to be lifted from that. Well, the sooner you realize what I just said the sooner you'll reach a state in which you naturally are calmer, more focused and what you call present. These are symptoms that arise out of a certain level of knowing how it goes. You can try to learn them - but you'll eventually find that real progress is just made when you genuinely see that there is nothing you can do about it and that there is nobody who could do something about this. But that the very feeling that somebody tries to reach all these nice states is just a very nuanced game you play with yourself and that even that is not bad at all and you are really mastering it. See yourself as the master of your life, of everything that happens and all pains will magically disappear. I promise. Cheers

Real progress is made when you realize one day that whatever you try to do to get it, brings you further away from it and that you had it all of the time. Now, this takes some time to really honestly get there. You cannot impose it onto yourself, it comes to you. It's like right now you are learning to drive a car and are looking for the best methods and shortcuts to be a professional driver. One day you'll be that driver and realize there was no special method that made you good at it. You just needed to drive for some time and get the experience. Re-read my post. I said that in the beginning of this journey you need to dis-identify from your made up self. When this is mostly done, you can then go around and look how everything that there is inside your awareness is you. That even your made up sense of self is just fine and how it should be. And out of that will arise the peace, joy and understanding. You don't wanna chase these symptoms of awakening. You wanna get it down and let them shine from the inside out. Cheers

Yeah, what you are really doing with self-inquiry is that you dis-identify yourself from the belief that you have a separate self that governs who you are. You still believe that, right? Because it really feels that way. Self-inquiry (asking "Who am I" / "What am I") and searching for that I, will cut away layer from layer until you are completely fucked up. You now really know that you kind of cannot find yourself, you believe that now and it feels kinda scary. That point is needed to direct a new kind of self-identification into your life. Although this sounds kinda wrong to me. Let's not say self-identification, but a new option to see who you really are. You can just go along doing more self-inquiry - what will probably take you 20 years if not longer to get enlightened - or you begin to see in your every day world that all there is to it is your subjective view in this very moment. And that this very moment is ever-still while all the contents in it are ever-moving, coming and going. If you follow that road along - you can experience the vastness of who you are - and thats beautiful.

What is the difference between your ego and the one who didn't care? Tell me.

Sounds like a very cool mystical experience you're describing. Now, the union that you probably had at that moment provided you I'd guess a kind of ownership of everything you were perceiving, right? This union can be felt and is apparently existent throughout all experience - the mystical and the normal kind of consciousness. It's like the underlying fabric of every experience you have. It creates your and every perspective as a ever-still moment we call now and simultaneously an ever kind of flowing existence of this world we a part of. So, this experience you had I'd guess put off a lot of the layers of self you normally wear on you and let you in on the underlying completeness of reality. Try to make this out in your normal life how everything you perceive flows while being in a complete still moment. And how there are reoccurring themes in everything that exists. See how everything that you can make sense out of is something that underlies certain rules and patterns and arranges itself not only beautifully but intelligently throughout everything. You really grew out of this world and wasn't popped into it. And you really are this no-thingness. You can realize that and be aware of the underlying completeness of every moment. And that's bliss.

Check out how Zen monks sit in a cross-legged posture on a zafu, slightly pushing the ass behind (like it wants to see the sun). Also, keep your eyes open and look 3 feet in front of you (e.g. on a wall) - or / and drink a green tee before your meditate. This will keep you generally very alert. However, there are sometimes just sittings in which you naturally are sleepy, so don't resist it. Let it happen.

This will get even worse. Way more worse. And that's exactly what should happen. As every thought comes up in your daily meditation it not only shows you how your psyche works, how thoughts get triggered, how you are not in charge of your conscious awareness - but it also begins to purge all the shit that you have buried under your phony sense of self. To borrow a great metaphor from one of @Emerald Wilkins great videos - as you begin to untangle your sense of self it is like lying on a thousand nails. In the beginning (you resting in your false sense of self) it is pretty okay, not really good but okay. As you begin to work on yourself - getting rid of all the nails - it will get more fucked up and fucked up until are basically through. Now, this sounds kind of discouraging, doesn't it? This process of you purging a lot of unconscious shit out of your mind works in cycles though. You'll have a few hard weeks followed by some time in which you feel just completely awesome. There's where you get the first glimpses and also experience later some "no-return" points. You have seen and experienced stuff that bounds you to this quest. But it is hard. And that's good. Because you come out as a person who knows himself on such a deep level, you have experienced all kind of emotions and internal processes so often so aware that they'll loose their power to you at some time and you'll be able to redirect your life and make use of your intuition how you never could've dreamed - even remotely. It's fucking mind-blowing work we do here. It really is. So cheer up. There's a lot to find on your journey. Some things are ugly, others are nice. At some point going to the supermarket will feel like a mystical experience - and you'll be like ... what the fuck. To answer your question: Find out for yourself what works best. In the end you'll go down a lot of roads and learn a lot from them. No one will eventually bring you to enlightenment. If you wanna untangle your mind go with self-inquiry. If you wanna practice letting go, focus and merging with your intuition - meditate. I did self-inquiry I guess for 3 months as a formal practice when I started out - but then found that "Do Nothing" + SDS works even better. I made huge progress with this meditation + I did / do a lot of inquiring during the day with specific situations. I kind of all the time observe and take note of how my mind runs certain automatic responses, how internal processes come up and get mixed up with emotions and lead me to do certain things. Find your own way. At first it's like tapping in the dark. From month to month you'll make important experiences and hopefully learn form them all. Cheers,

ENFJ

Keep it up, that's what you do. You'll come through phases in which your mind fucks so damn hard with you that you'll ask yourself whether your state of being even worsened because of your work. You have a taste of that probably right now. This happens because as your awareness expands through meditation, you'll be faced with a lot of shit that is inside of you and that needs time to purge out. This will be very challenging, I can tell you. Is it worth it? There'll come times in which you think that it is not. But it is, here is why. At some point you experienced so many emotions in so much depth and know them with so much awareness that they lose their existential power. You'll feel fear and you are just aware of how your belly contracts and your upper arms feel strange. You'll be like: Wow, how intense is that? But it won't get you anymore. That's a bit of the motivation here. But to the "you have no teacher and stuff"-thing. You have the Internet, bro. I like listening to lectures from spiritual teachers, to get new inquires I can take on, expand my framework and get new perspectives. I mostly listen to them while cooking / eating - when I have nothing to do / fuck around with psychedelics. Some names to mention that were and are very helpful to me are: Alan Watts, Rupert Spira, Matt Khan, Mooji, Shunryu Suzuki, Shinzen Young. If you listen to them you have work for the next 3 years. Cheers

@Happiness, when I'm experiencing what you ware writing, I go for some Matt Khan videos. Basically, there comes a time when you get bored of your own fear. I had these cycles you write about so deep and intense (because my unconscious seems to be filled with a lot of unresolved shit) that at some point I completely gave up trying to get rid of them. It just wasn't possible. I just accepted them fully as me (this really just happened to me at some point). Then, the most amazing things followed.

I know this problem a bit myself. I am and always was a very long good sleeper. But when I started the meditation journey I encountered phases in which I'd dream very, very visual and intense dreams and it feels like they fill my whole 8 hours of sleep. So in these times I lay in bed at the end of the day, sometimes scared out of my mind to fall asleep because I know what comes. I have such a phase right now (in which I dream a lot) because I started using HoloSync a week ago and this probably triggers these dreams. However, after having this come up now the 3-4th time in 1.5 years I just do this: I close my eyes, say to myself (my unconscious) may you dream and process whatever you want to. Rip me into pieces, there is nothing I can do. And then I self-hypnotize myself (I often do that out of fun before I sleep). Basically I go to every part of my body and say: "My eyes are relaxed, my nose is relaxed ..." until my whole body is relaxed. Most of the time, when I'm really tired I'll fall asleep in that process or shortly after. So, I know it's kind of hard to embrace your fear. But this is one of the solutions here. Also picture this: Every time you wake up you feel pretty good not being in this world for a few hours. Get this feeling in your body while laying in bed trying to fall asleep and relax into it. Hope that helps

No, it's more like this: Awareness is the underlying screen, the no-thing out of everything arises and to everything goes. You might say it is the flip-side of the coin of reality. The one side is the dualistic world, with all it's symptoms like trees, people, animals and the other side is awareness, a no-thing that is underlying all of that. Both are in the most fundamental sense the same, but expressing themselves in the most polarized (and in this way different) way. Now, you as your body are like a receiver of consciousness (actually neuroscience is awakening to this fact as well - they long thought that your head makes consciousness and now begin to see that it receives it). So, you can train your head to receive more awareness, it's like zooming out of a very narrow detail with your camera until you see a whole other picture. That's why all the enlightenment gurus tell you that you are everything and no-thing. Everything (as the world you can see, touch and smell), no-thing as the awareness that is underlying all of that like a screen you might say). And you'll awaken to that if you zoomed out your receiving head enough, because at some point it's just perfectly obvious. Cheers

Most of their programs are personal development programs. The whole process of becoming clear is comparable with detoxifying your unconscious from all the shit it took up over the years + they teach you a lot of more things like "how to learn", "how to be confident", ... . I got a friend who is a scientologist and told me about it. They have a lot of parallels to other self development programs and even enlightenment work. So in the end chose what works for you best. I go with Zen Buddhism, good books, videos and that stuff. I don't need such a closed system like Scientology. But some folks may like that. Cheers

Hahaha, well worded. @FeelFree, I'd like you to see both parts of "there is no free will". On the one hand there is no separate you that makes decisions (although it feels like it). It's more like you and your environment are a network that interacts with itself. The environment acts and so you react. You act and so does the environment react. On the other hand there is no determinism either. Even science will tell you that. We still have a kind of newtonian world-view that describes every happening as a result of prior actions. Science has long found out that if you go deep enough into matter, you cannot really predict how it's structured. It's more wavy, spontaneous and thereby unpredictable then most scientists would probably love to have it. Now, if there is no free will and no determinism on the most fundamental level, what's left? What is left is a spontaneous happening that is self-aware. This self-awareness arises every few moments and then goes off. And so another comes. Make a quick experiment with yourself here: Sit down and ask yourself: "Where do my decisions come from?" Wait and watch your thoughts. You'll soon see that the most decisions come up as hiccups and you have no control. Now, there are ones that we think we control. When there is the feeling of self while a decision comes up, we think that it's me that decided that. But is it really? Look again, it's more like an intermingled bunch of feelings and thoughts that makes up the me and a decision that comes up like a hiccup. If you really begin to get this you'll soon see that every experience you have is a mystical one. Because the universe just decided you to do this and that. And it's never-ending fascinating where these decisions come from, where they go to and how the universe seems to do this manifestation in certain patterns. It's pretty intelligent if you look closely. Anyway, hope that helps.

On my own journey I had these kind of "little mystical experiences" a lot in the beginning. When you start meditation and really push for it, sometimes it happens. Then you resolutely try to re-create it because it seemed so big and great. That's totally fine, investigate a little into it, you'll probably have a few more along the journey. If you really wanna have cool mystical experiences and become enlightened, start daily meditation. This is not the answer to enlightenment, but if I compare the way I perceive the world right now in comparison to a little more then a year ago when I started meditating ... I couldn't even find common ground at all. So yeah, this definitely helps to get deeper realizations. Also see that enlightenment is not an experience. Although you had some kind of non-dual little mystical experience (and that's totally cool to have) - you are enlightened right now. You just play a very nuanced game that you are not. The whole journey is to see that and then be like ... ahh fuck, totally missed that. Anyway, keep it up! Sounds good.

Cheers to you, that definitely was a kind of mystical, meditative experience, maybe even going into the direction of samadhi experiences. Use this to contrast you normal reality and find what is ever-present in both experiences. Because what you experienced here isn't enlightenment, it's part of it, as is your normal everyday experience. Enlightenment is not an experience. But as I said cheers to you, mystical experiences are always great to have