flowboy

So that someone can say something hopeful to you, and then the devil inside you would argue against that, basically playing the game of arguing yourself into the ground, with other people representing the positive role in the debate? Yeah no thanks, I've seen it countless times people trying to play this game. It doesn't help anyone and it's sucking energy from others. Switch the roles! Since you provided basically a rant with no clear question, I'll take a shot in the dark and try to say something helpful: you seem to be running away from something. Mother issues, amongst maybe other things. So she wasn't there for you or did not provide something you needed, or mistreated you in some way. Something. (and how's your relationship with your father?) Getting away is one step in the right direction, you took that, great. But now, not everything is solved. Damage incurred from childhood remains there until you confront it head-on. And this is reflected in your life. You are meeting a lot of people that are full of shit and you can not trust, in your perception. This is not random. It's because you don't trust people, that you attract people that you cannot trust. And this goes back to childhood. Somewhere along the way you learnt that you can't trust. Maybe a caretaker rejected you. Something. The good news is that you can resolve this without talking it out with your actual parents, or whoever were influential characters when you were young. Because this issue is to be hashed out with the versions of those people that you keep around from back then. Imaginary people, stuck there coloring your life black from your unconscious. The bad news is that you need to find a good therapist and confront this shit head-on. I had very good results with primal therapy, so I'd recommend that. And if you are finally ready to stop running and do the real work, then it's possible to flip your experience of life 180 degrees, where you effortlessly meet amazing, positive, trustworthy people everywhere.

You take a big dose of magic mushrooms. Not kidding guys, this has been proven in legit mainstream scientific studies to massively alleviate anxiety in people who are going to die soon. 70% of them completely lost their depression about it, some crazy number like that. Post your trip report here, if you have time. That would be awesome, we can all learn from that

I want to have 20 million in the bank and retire before 35. That's my goal.

You do realise how this is in total contradiction with all the stuff you summarized above, right? I used to think that way. In fact, I remember making that argument to my parents when explaining how hard it was to choose what to study. I could not choose, because I did not want to let go of the many different dreams I had. That's ten years ago. It took me 10 years to realise and accept that that doesn't work at all.

This is great. I commend you for forcefully pivoting into a better path. Also a good overview you made. My 2 cents: in my experience the really awesome, out-of-this-world vision of who you want to be, it becomes really crucial. Because starting to improve your habits, you'll have ego backlash many many times and will have to drag yourself back on to the right path again and again. Only way to be motivated to do that is if you have your long term vision.

This sounds awesome. I think you're on the right track. Yes there are some legality issues right now, but those are going away I think. I would love to be updated on what you do in psychedelic therapy and the like. Do you have a website, or something else we can follow?

Irrelevant. Your purpose is your purpose. It's not something you choose, weighing risk factors. It's something you find, and then have the choice to live it, or to not.

It's hot, summery weather. I do not have a girlfriend. Dating is basically forbidden by the government. I haven't ejaculated in 23 days. Hard mode enabled. Quite literally.

Day 6 of no coffee Today is a workday, and I feel like I can't do it without coffee. It is a hallucination, though. I am already doing it without coffee. I have learnt that if I stop pretending that I need things, eventually I will get into the flow.

[Where am I at]: Content with my productive day, but still uncertain and scared about the decision to rent an apartment that I can't afford. > Can't you afford it? I can pay for it and for food, but not much else. > Why is that a problem? I want to save up a buffer. > What could you do about that? - I could bet on starting a business that will provide me with extra income. That is the current plan. - Alternatively, I could try to get out of the lease. But I'm afraid > What are you afraid of? - I'm afraid of the repercussions and the shame. I'm afraid of the landlord making me pay thousands, or at least not agreeing to return the deposit, after which I'd be broker than ever, and the bridge would be burned, so I couldn't go back on it. I'd have to apply for an option that is 400 a month cheaper, hope I get it, having no money at all. - Then I'm also afraid I would regret it, because the location is perfect: I selected it so that the commute is only 17 minutes. And that really is a lot better than 30. I really hate spending time getting somewhere and getting back all the time. So inefficient. - Then I also don't want to be that asshole that goes back on his word. - Then I also don't want to fall into the trap of indecision. I decided. I may encounter some better options, I might not. I should stick to my decision and move on. - Then I'm also afraid of not having the discipline to live frugally and save anything. Or going into debt and staying there. - Then I'm also afraid of hating my life because I have no discretionary spending... > Ok, ok, ok. Many things to fear. But you made the decision, right? Did you do that lightly? - No. I calculated the budget. - I did it in fear though. Now I'm afraid that it's a mistake. > Where have we seen that before? - On the moving decision. On any big decision. I tend to get over it. > How about just sleeping on it, hmm? - Yes, I will do that. Thank you. [Edit]: did NOT sleep, was plagued by fear and self-doubt.

Day 4 of no coffee - Less euphoric, more productive! Yep... I haven't even finished recalibrating my neuroreceptors, and despite that I'm already doing way better. I have more willpower I find it easier to put distractions aside and close those tabs, because my excitement level is lower I have more stamina: been doing something I truly hate all day, and I can still keep going! Even though some task is daunting, I'm hating it but calmly hating it. Without the heart palpitations and panic quits

@dharma-shishyah Thank you for your encouraging words, and this useful advice! Really, this is just what I needed. I'm going to write this down and integrate it

A smart friend said to me: Perhaps risk-aversion is the one thing blocking me. I think he's right. All my choices have been optimizing for security, double security. I've paid so much money just to be sure. Successful people are risk-tolerant. Then, how do I become risk-tolerant?

I decided to take a small dose of psilocybin truffles by myself. I've been in an overwhelmingly chill mood all day, and I felt like tripping a bit while allowing myself the chill/recovery time I need. It's kicking in as I type this. I was able to advise some kids on how much they should take and which kind, when I was buying them. I put on Shpongle and lit incense, while still doing my scheduling routine. I'm really proud of that breakthrough. That I still hold that firm commitment to plan my next day. And that I have the presence and the masculine responsibility to start doing that before the day becomes unpredictable/mushy/fluid. [t+0:45] Sooo... if something interesting happened, I might report back. [t+1:15] I stripped naked, laid down, rubbed coconut oil on myself and masturbated. Incorporated the ass, too. I try not to fantasize too much, or work to a climax, but rather just enjoy the sensations. I feel like I'm preparing for a very monomanic busy time, where I will not date a lot of women. So that neediness for female company has no place in my life currently. But I can still be sexual. [t+1:20] I'm having a good time. I'm taking more. [t+2:20] Sensual part of the trip has come to an end. I was showing my body appreciation with massage. My body knows it's appreciated. Shpongle is great - especially the "Tales of the Inexpressible" album. I should shave more and pay more attention to my feet. I feel like falling asleep and eating some yoghurt. Not in that order. I consider taking more, but it's too late for that. I want a good night's sleep. And besides that would be greedy. I'm having a great time as it is. Once Upon the Sea of Blissful Awareness is playing. What a great track, it's so beautiful. I'm sleepy. I put on Terence McKenna while Shpongle is still playing at the same time. I resolve to go to bed and brush my teeth. Suddenly, it wants me to do stretches. Stretching is the most amazing feeling now. I do some side stretches and make circles with my head and my arms. I should really find a space in my routine for a little yoga.

[retro] Why did I not do the house cleaning that I planned? - I slept in. Then I resolved to start the cleanup schedule 3 hours late, and just stick to it anyway whilst adding 3 hours to every time. - This didn't feel like a firm commitment however. Because I was playing with the idea of tripping with people. I had subconsciously worked out that I would have to interrupt my Sunday cleanup routine early. What was I telling myself? - It's not going to get done anyway, because I expect to let social plans interrupt it. So let's just do it in a relaxed way, but not expect to finish it. How will I handle this next time? Next time, I will schedule plans on Sunday firmly after 16:00. Knowing that I will be winding down at 20:00 It would be nice if the house upkeep routine would take a bit less time than 10 god damn hours, so I will work on that.

@Zigzag Idiot Thank you Took my friend's advice and allowed myself to sleep in without an alarm. Oh what a joy. Feel cloudy in the head because this is day 3 of no coffee, but way, way less stressed.

Dark Afternoon of the Soul I'm going through a phase apparently, where I just see so clearly how my ego attachments have held me back in the past, it's quite jarring. All of the different things I wanted to be. Wanting to have an interesting life, to be seen as interesting and cool. Man that's an expensive addiction. Wanting to be successful with women (as if I wasn't), no, but REALLY successful, like a total player. Sure I bet that's possible, but needing to be that (and failing) for my ego just put me through SO much mental agony. All this wanting to be interesting, wanting to be popular and have lots of friends and girlfriends, even wanting my own girlfriends' approval so much that I went to all these parties with her... This is what prohibited me from focusing on one thing, like my university studies, or entrepreneurship. Wanting to be is a trap... And now I'm scared that I made a mistake, a similar one, by renting a way too expensive place so I could look and feel like less of a failure. What's next, wanting to be the boss of the business I would build, because it's satisfying to my ego to be the boss, even though someone else would do a better job? (Not sure that's true, just entertaining a worry) Haha, that's ridiculous. I have no business yet, so all these thoughts are just cute nonsense. Why am I 27 and still an employee? > Ok, society says it's acceptable. I'm well paid, live on my own, have friends and a love life and basic personal hygiene. In society's view, I'm doing fine. And I suppose, the above is why. I had ego attachments drawing my attention and energy all over the place. And that is fine. Maybe learning that lesson now will protect me from having to learn it later, when I'm successful. Ill-motivated spending sprees also get more painful, the more you have to spend. I am not hurting, to be clear. Just feel like my mind is doing a necessary retro session on me, and making sure I don't fall into the same traps. Actually kind of nice

Also today, I got up at 5:50 and did my routine workout, cold shower and meditation. It was hard. I felt underslept, tired, almost sick. But I still did it. And now I feel great. Between 10 and 12 I tried to take a nap. I just laid there in bed. It was too light to sleep. It felt great, though, to allow myself that space. To just lie there. Maybe read a book. I was careful about not checking my text messages, and not putting on a video to listen to. I read a good part of the Elon Musk book, though. Walking through the city, I feel calm. Happy. Purposeful. Not in a rush. Empathetic. Like there is space to empathize with people, because I'm not in a rush. I see the human across from me. Everyone is dealing with the circumstances in their own way. I smile at people, to let them know that it is okay. It's not illegal to be cheerful (yet ) Without Coffee So, although I'm not feeling very pumped, like I normally would be, I actually am quite mentally sharp, able to make decisions and get things done, calmly - oh my god, this CALM is priceless. Not going back to drinking coffee anytime soon! Physically I just feel sooo much better. Smoother. Calm. No heart palpitations. No general tension around my heart area. No tingling extremities. No feeling of dehydration and eyeballs being pushed out of my skull.

[6:00am] Morning! Came really close to jumping back in. Do NOT feel like I've slept enough, at all. How can I improve this: Stop drinking alcohol, it ruins your sleep Get blackout curtains Stop listening to lectures while sleeping [10:00] Have to take a powernap. Extreme mental fatigue. See you in 45 [10:53] Partially screwed up the powernap, because I played a video during it that required mental attention. That's been the root of my problems all my life. Failure to make choices. So sleep should be just sleep. Not sleep and listening to something/being inspired. [13:23] I took ANOTHER powernap, this time without sound, and it didn't help. I just lay there, worried that I didn't set my alarm right. Tried working again, but finally decided to just take the afternoon off. Damn. Feels like failure. There's a lot of things I can do being not well rested, but programming isn't one of them. Somehow my sleep gets fucked up. Is it my lack of curtains? Probably. Why haven't I fixed that yet My mind is torturing me, showing me all the mistakes I made and the way my life could have been, had I not been such an idiot...

Why did I drink beer again? - I wanted to relax after a hard day. And apparently I felt like without alcohol there was no escape What was I telling myself? - "I can't be all perfect all at once" How will I handle this next time? - I will remember that these are the moments that matter most. Where I feel like I have to be weak, but actually that is the best opportunity to be strong. And I will remember that actually, it's never as bad as it seems, and I can evolve the quickest and make the biggest leaps if I keep sacrificing comfort.

I was in that non-comprehensive state where I felt energised, but like I had access to only 10% of my intellect. When you read things and hear things and your brain doesn't respond with understanding, and doesn't serve up interpretations, images and ideas. So you read them over and over again. I tend to correct people's grammar and phrasing, to make it seem like I'm following along. I got out of it by drinking green tea, rearranging my screens so I could have better posture, and resolving to sit down and not do any distraction for the next 3 hours. Granted, I'm doing this. But I got out of it. That's the point. I still don't understand the code, but I at least have a path forward, and I'm sticking it out.

[6:05am] Good morning. Got up at 5:50, so we're back in the groove. I couldn't get back to sleep the last hour in the morning - brain too busy with what I have to do next to complete the move. My new plan is to quit coffee over the weekend. So today and tomorrow I will finish what I have left, and then go cold turkey saturday, sunday and Monday. Then Tuesday I'll start being fine. [12:31] Just like yesterday, it's SO HARD to sit still and work... I constantly get impulses to jump up, walk around, eat something, drink something, do anything but the work... It wasn't like that in January. I blame these factors: Due to the moving project, I deemed it essential to be reachable on my phone by potential employers and potential landlords. That led to a renewed addiction to texting and checking responses. Today is the first day since over a month that I feel I can safely turn off my phone during work again. But it will take some time to get back to that place of extended focus at will again. Some excruciating hours of wanting to move and feeling that pain will be necessary. I will do some of that work today. I also blame coffee. It just makes you more frantic. Luckily, my stash is gone and I am not buying more. Preparing for headaches and days of poor brain function and frustration...

I'm already tempted to drink more coffee. But my visualisation helped: I did what I planned and made a boatload of green tea. I'm going to finish that first.

[6:00am] Good morning! I feel like such a shithead for leaving my employer for another. He's been so good to me!

I'm worried about the weird feeling in my ear that has been there for a few months. I'm worried that if it is something bad, no doctor will have time for me now. I'm scared of suffering and being distracted by pain. > Do you believe it's something bad? No. But, it's not going away by itself and I don't know what it is or what to do about it. > Do you remember what the doctor said last time? Not clearly. But she didn't see any reason to be concerned. > So you don't believe it's something bad, and at some point there will be doctors available again. So is it really a problem? You're quite right, alter ego. I'll be fine. I'm worried the landlord might pressure me to pay extra for the furniture, and I'll go over budget. > Didn't we just make a journal entry about that? Oh, right. The boundaries. But if I lose the apartment, I might not find anything on time. > So then what? Then I just postpone the new job, that's right. And if I lose it, I lose it. I'm fine where I am, as well. I remember now. I might even be able to start there and work remote until I find something else! Many things could happen, all of the outcomes I'm okay with.