flowboy

I'm suspicious of myself lately that I subconsciously tend to favor the hardest way to do things. Effectively wasting a lot of effort on details because I believe that it's "supposed to be hard" Being thorough is one of my qualities - the flipside is that I feel compelled to be unnecessarily thorough, which results in inefficiency. Doing tasks in a week that should take a day. Feeling good about myself because "I'm working hard".

Being lied to is not a viable start of an open relationship either @Flowerfaeiry That's okay, strength will come when you take action.

I think you are making a very important point here. Someone truly taking advantage of you, is indeed to be avoided. Perhaps I'm weighing that too lightly because it didn't happen in my case. I was in love and so was she. It was beautiful for 7 months. So now of course I'm hoping and assuming that this case is as beautiful and innocent as that. I could be wrong though. @Stratos It's important to realise that there is a high potential for abuse here. Meaning, she easily could take advantage of you, even though she may not be. Because you have feelings for her, and she's older, she could start to be manipulative and you'd not easily recognize it for lack of experience. One thing that doesn't really bode well for her character is that she's doing this with her friends' son, and your mom doesn't know (I assume?) That's not cool. You have to recognize that that is at least suspicious. It can mean that she likes you so much she just couldn't help herself, or it can mean that she's selfish and not a true friend. @Preety_India You seem to know about abusive relationships, can you maybe name some more signs that @Stratos should look out for? - I would for example run very far away, if she caused conflict between you and your mom, and you feel compelled to choose sides. That's a red flag.

@Stratos Here, check out this list of core values I found on google: https://thehappinessplanner.com/pages/list-of-core-values If you pick 5 you like, and then order them by importance, that will tell you what to do. It's a really important exercise as a young person. Cause I can recommend honesty all I want, but when I was 18 and in a similar situation, I cared more about having a good story to tell and prolonging the experience. And so I acted accordingly. Today I wouldn't do that again, but in that time it made sense. Although I don't like what I did.

@Stratos Only you can decide this. The best way is to decide based on principles. What do you value most? If you care about being able to be honest and authentic, do that. If you care more about sexual experience, then don't. No wrong or right here. Just a case where you have to decide what principle you like, act based on that, see what happens, and learn

Not really, the number one cause of that goes back earlier, would rather be a disturbed relationship with a parent, for example a parent rejecting you or being overly dismissive of your attention. Relationships always come with hurt. It's part of the deal. You'll have fights, those hurt. And when it ends, it hurts too. No matter who broke up with who. Going through stuff like that is important for one's development of maturity. Protecting yourself from emotional hurt is like not letting kids play so they won't fall down: they never learn what to avoid. And the only way to really avoid emotional hurt is to not start any relationship at all. (And learn nothing)

By the way I used to think I needed sex too. I don't think that anymore. I think people need connection. Quality friends. Sex is really optional

I don't think that's true at all. And if Maslow said that, fuck that guy indeed. Well congratulations on your bravery to face this shit! Probably you'll have to go through a phase of expressing your dark thoughts and judgments to people so you can get feedback on them and see what is true. After darkness comes light. By the way, week 3 of nofap comes with a huge mood boost. I'm on it right now. You're going to feel a lot stronger and more stable than you thought was possible. Be sure to not fuck it up by drinking a lot of caffeine (causes depression) or not exercising. Do all the healthy things and be open to the possibility that it ain't gonna be as bad as you thought.

Oh and about the friend-of-your-mom thing: Question the quality of that friendship. She can't be that good of a friend. Would you fuck your best friend's daughter behind his back? Exactly.

Oh and to the people claiming "with such a difference in age and maturity it will never work out, blah blah", I say who cares?! Who are you kidding, thinking a 20 year old guy should worry about whether his relationship will "work out" in the long term? What does that even mean? Staying with her for 40 years? Come on. If you're 20, your current relationship ain't gonna be your last one. And unless you want to get married in 2 years, it doesn't matter whether it will "work out". Enjoy this one while it lasts, dude. Only through multiple relationships will you learn what type of person you are compatible with.

Simple. By telling her how you feel and seeing what happens. Two things can happen: either she realises that you're more serious about it than she is and breaks it off (80% chance), or you have an amazing sharing of feelings and deepen your romance (20% chance). If she breaks it off, it's a quick and sharp pain which will magically cure your feelings problem in little time. If she has similar feelings though, it would be a shame for you to try to suppress yours, wouldn't it? And finally: why do you give a fuck what your friend thinks? He apparently likes to have fun and nonattached sex (says he). And currently, you have found that this doesn't work for you in the same way. So that's it then, stop giving a fuck. Your friend's advice doesn't apply to you. Now this may change in the future, don't start defining yourself as a "relationship person" forever. But for now this is apparently how it works. And same goes for the woman: if she doesn't like that feelings and sex go together for you, she can leave. I had a pretty serious affair with a 36 year old woman when I was 18. It was great. Honesty is always better, you can't really be happy and relaxed with a person if there is so much going on that you have to hide. That doesn't mean the results won't hurt, though. You really have to pick your poison. In my story, I remember thinking similar things, that I should be free, not get too attached and not "miss out on other things". So I deliberately tried to cheat on her, to create some distance. That was fucked up man.

Hypnosis and mother issues A friend is becoming a hypnotherapist and has asked for practice patients, so I asked him to do a session with me about hypochondric tendencies. This has revealed some interesting things that I have to write here to put them together for myself. I'm probably not going to recount the entire session. Just my interpretation of it. A very good question that the guy asked me in preparation, was: what is it bringing you? In other words, I have these moments multiple times a year where I obsess and panic about a strange health symptom for weeks or months, until a doctor (and sometimes an x-ray or even weirder procedure) tells me to stop. This is obviously very stressful, but what could be the subconscious reason to maintain this pattern? To be clear: I'm not making them up. There have been very strange symptoms, muscle tremors, aches and pains, numbness, you name it, that when I'd tell a friend about them, they'd advise me to see a doctor. So I'm by no means a bullshitter in the obvious way. And I don't really bother the doctor until I'm very very scared. But still, I bet the mind-body connection is powerful enough to make my nerves misbehave in a way to create those symptoms, if there were a subconscious reason to. Is there? Resurfaced memories My mother expresses love through worry. And worry, mainly of the navel-gazing kind, has been my default way of connecting to her/getting attention from her. If I wanted attention, there were two things I could do: I could get attention from my father with an interesting idea, or I could get attention from my mother by expressing worries. And she'd always, always respond with this softness that knew no end. No matter how tired she was, I could always come sit on her lap with some story. [This makes sense because she was raised by a borderline mother who was mean and gave her excessive disapproval, so her survival strategy became to make herself small, maintain very low self-worth, and please, please, please. She became an anxious pleaser in response to her abusive mother. I think her borderless pleasing prevented her from drawing up a healthy boundary with me, and allowed me to become a bit of a narcissist] She wanted me to remain an innocent, sensitive boy. Her little oversensitive sweet kid that could do no harm. I was rewarded for soft behaviour, and I learned that any sob story would get me unlimited love and attention. So I'd sit on her lap and express worries, and she loves worries because worrying about me is how she expresses love. It's part of her love language. Now this is a delicate balance, and I know many people incur damage from not being able to come to parents with things. But in my case, I learned that complaining about little aches and pains and problems was the way to connect to female figures and get love. I was the kid that would not actively befriend other kids but loved to sit on the female teacher's lap. Then I remember a moment in early high school where I expressed my worry that I had skin cancer (because of a tiny red mole) towards a female classmate. I expected the same kind of limitless patience and understanding, but instead she told me that it was bullshit. Then going back even earlier, to primary school, there was a girl in my class that I was sort of friends with. One moment I distinctly remember, I was standing on a bridge talking to her, and I had to cough. Then I uttered something like "Oh, my poor throat!" Upon which she stuck her tongue out and made a mocking sound, meaning something like "stop complaining you pussy" This was shocking to me. I remember how shocked I was there. It shook my world. And it was confusing as hell. Because at home, my endless narcissistic sobstories would be met with infinite patience by my mother. And then I tried to connect to females my own age in this way, and it wouldn't work. What the hell was going on? My mom was so proud of me being sensitive. I was her sensitive little boy. Sensitive was good, she rewarded that and the more crying I did the more love I got from her. So I started pretending I was crazy. I put pieces of toilet paper on my toothbrush and said: "Look, I'm insane!" I spit on the floor in friends' houses. Convinced that this would get me even more love. It was also a strategy to avoid the rough sea of social interaction at that age. Umbilical cord And so in puberty it started to dawn on me that the way my mother liked me best, I would get spit on by the outside world. I started to not trust my parents. I projected that if I got bullied, the way they raised me, well then they probably got bullied themselves, never figured out how to deal with it, and so I was on my own. Listening to them would only get me in trouble. I decided I needed to defend against bullies and become strong. I was allowed to do judo or fencing (did fencing for quite a while), but I suddenly didn't trust that anymore. It was too soft. I wanted to do kickboxing. But that was disallowed by my parents. My mom thought it was "too aggressive" By now I was certain that my parents were on a mission to make a weak, soft pussy out of me who would get stepped on and victimized all his life. Although that was not their conscious intention, to this day I believe that I wasn't far off. Unfortunately, my mom had been traumatized by her brothers fistfighting when she was young, and my dad had been bullied by his older brothers quite badly, and as a result, both of them basically hated masculinity. I had no one to turn to for examples of how to defend yourself, be a strong man, "tough". These desires were disapproved of at home, but the abuse I took at school proved to me that something like that was necessary. The hypnotist asks: "What do you want to tell your mother?" I want her to stop making choices for me. Any life choice I faced, be it the colors of my clothes or the way to spend my gap year, were influenced by the options she presented. And part of me wanted so badly to believe that my mother was always right and just pick the options that she liked. And the other half of me distrusted her softness, distrusted every choice she ever made for me, and wanted to get rid of her influence. Cut that umbilical cord. But I was also addicted to it. Being her sweet little sensitive boy was a comfortable role I would retreat into during hard times. To this day, I'm ashamed to say that even at 26 years old I would call my mom crying because I felt lonely, and endlessly go on about my feelings to her on the phone, not really asking how she was doing at all. Retreating back into this world where my mom knows what's best for me. It's disgusting, but that's what happened. And the connection to health symptoms? Remains uncertain, but what I have realised is I enjoyed so much to tell my girlfriend about this terrible thing that was happening to me. I enjoyed to make my boss worry about me a little bit. I don't make a big deal about it either, I act tough but leave little clues that make people ask what's wrong. And then I tell them casually, like it's no big deal. But if they respond with worry, ooh, very enjoyable.

@IJB063 Thank you for posting this great interview. It's actually very nice to hear from mr Greene that there are benefits to not having it figured out at 25, haha I fully agree with his telling of how he had to try many things and course-correct, to find the right thing. If that is what you meant from the start, I apologise because then we actually agree. My point was that you can't do that process on paper, from your couch. You have to start somewhere. And for that you need to choose an initial direction, thereby choosing to not take all the other directions (for now). Can't steer a parked car

Okay to rest?! [2pm] I'm in a sort of weird momentumless state. I did my whole morning routine perfectly, then after breakfast I somehow started reading a book (Caffeine Blues, it's hair raising!) instead of the stuff that I had planned so carefully. I'm not feeling mentally up to it/ready and wakeful. Potential explanations could be that I did not eat my usual clean diet yesterday and this morning. Or that I'm just in recovery from years of screwed up sleep, all the deep sleep phases I missed because of caffeine. Did Leo's Forgiveness exercise while washing dishes. I like it and I think I will try it again and maybe do it once a week. I've had a lot of anger from past events resurface lately, so maybe this is just the right thing. Edit: I was just super mentally exhausted. I spent the rest of the day in bed and slept 11 hours that night. Deservedly. It's just harder to recognize, because there was not the depressive "super uber hopeless exhausted" feeling that caffeine gives you. So being tired comes in a different flavor now. Interesting. It's very similar to when you get off sugar, hunger comes in a different flavor and you have to learn again to recognize it. But I decided it makes sense: apart from Sundays and the odd weekend I haven't allowed myself any kind of break for at least 6 months. And I'm not completely comfortable with it: there is a judgment that anytime I'm in bed during the day, I'm being lazy. However, I'm getting over that by seeing it in a different way. I used to think that to get where I want to go, I have to expend more energy than I currently am. That I can never rest. When I think of that, I am reminded of the exercise they make you do when they teach you to swim, where you have to keep your head above water without using your arms. (I hated swimming lessons, what a nightmare that was). This idea probably originated from the time where I was procrastinating for most of my free waking hours. I'd watch Netflix, knowing that I should be working on my goals. And to compensate for that dissonance, I felt really really guilty, and imagined how hard I would work later. The joyless paradox of procrastination: you can have your leisure now, but you can't enjoy it. You have to stress yourself out and feel shame while you do it. How relaxing. So here the idea was created that I would have to work crazy hard when I stopped procrastinating. And you hear of all these entrepreneurs making crazy hours. No way it's okay to rest, right?! Plus, all the years of procrastination, all of the watching youtube until early mornings, I have a debt to make up for! I can never rest again! So that thought has gotten me pretty far, and I'm grateful for that, but now it's time for a new idea. The idea that whatever I want to accomplish, is possible with a healthy amount of energy output. I can put all that I have into it, all my waking energy. But not more. I shouldn't have to abuse my system with drugs and lack of sleep, and borrow energy from my future health. It's good to cut out everything essential, and have clear priorities. But then the natural energy that freed up is enough. So when I need rest, I will rest. I will not watch movies instead of going to bed, because that would be a waste. I will just go to bed.

Okay so I went back, for 2 days, to my former habit of putting on youtube videos of people talking/giving advice while doing other stuff like shopping, or eating, or chores. And I'm regretting it already. It's suddenly super hard to get back into concentration again, focus on work. My body is literally contorting because I crave distraction. I want to switch on my phone and watch videos while I stuff my face. Didn't know this thing was so hardcore Noted. So I suppose ... well, what is a good rule? At least not to have video or podcasts on while doing other stuff. I'm getting the sense that that is very very bad for your brain. And, well to not watch videos unless I need them for something. I'm not sure I can stick to that everyday, but that would be for the best.

@Wisebaxter Exactly! And thank you It's a realization not many people have, I think. Finding the creepiest or most 'realistic' horror movies used to be one of my interests. Would not do that again. I avoid any unsettling content now, whenever I can. Not sure I'm even going to go back to following a series on Netflix again. After the initial withdrawal, I hardly miss it, and reading and just 'being' are more exciting now. Caffeine Blues I recommend the book. Reading it right now. One of the first exercises in there lets you calculate how much caffeine you (used to) consume daily. My daily caffeine consumption used to be between 1000mg and 1665 mgs of caffeine a day! Yeah. So no wonder I was complaining about trouble sleeping all the time. So this is between 3 and 5 mugs of coffee. People don't realise that a sizeable mug of coffee holds over 300 mgs of caffeine, which is the maximum safe amount where you probably won't have severe heart arrythmias, according to research. Natural High [12pm] Hard to describe how good I feel. I've been on a natural high all morning. Up since 5, remained fasted until 12. I drink water with lemon and vinegar, herbal tea, and ginger tea in the morning and while working. It's like the meditation, the consistent clean diet, the intermittent fasting, the success affirmations and the Freeletics workouts, the no-caffeine and the no-PMO are all coming together to create the perfect state. This comes very, very close to the euphoria on a light dose of amphetamines, without all of the side effects. I feel calm, coordinated, and effective. None of my usual anxious thought patterns bother me. I have no insecurity or negative feelings whatsoever regarding dating. Normally I'm slightly bothered during the daytime with whether it is okay that I'm spending time alone, does that mean I'm undesirable, should I be dating, I don't know where my next sex is coming from, blah blah blah... Now that that's shut up, oh my god. Is this how great it can feel to just "be"? Another thing apart from the quiet mind, is the amazing physical coordination. I'm not bumping into things anymore, not losing my balance, putting my feet just right. I'm doing some light carpentry and it's very noticable how smooth it goes. Also my energy is really very high compared to what I'm used to. I vaccuumed and mopped the place, and it was fun. Normally I'd be sighing and groaning at all of the reaching and bending. I would do it, but it would feel like a chore, and I'd want a break after. I recommend everyone to try not cumming for 2 weeks and combining it with exercise and clean caffeine-free diet. Wow.

Day 14 [5am] Nothing to get one going in the morning like 80 burpees! One more day to go! I broke the texting rule a bit here and there, and when a friend showed me a video I watched it, but apart from that I made it. After today. But it's not hard anymore. On the contrary, I've started to enjoy it! The simplicity. Resisting all these impulses, letting myself twitch until I settle into concentration. Reading is now the most interesting and rewarding 'restful' activity there is for me, and I actually crave it. I can't go back to watching youtube every day. If I do that, that will take away from my reading. And I'm currently (growth mindset) not reading very fast. I could read faster, but then comprehension would suffer. I think. So if I ever want to make a dent in my book list, I have to make some sacrifices. Basically this feels not like a detox anymore, rather like the right way to live for me. The most exciting things are my super-simple breakfast, my walks to the supermarket, my banana-and-peanutbutter snack, and reading. And it turns out, it's pretty easy to forget about sexuality for a period of time, if I keep myself disciplined and busy. And don't watch porn. And don't fantasize. I'm seeing the connection more clearly between the content that I consume (be it porn or otherwise exciting films or podcasts), and the mental interruptions that follow in the days (weeks?) after. Hear disturbing news on a podcast interview once, get mentally distracted about it every day and dream about it for the next weeks. What a hidden cost! Is that worth it? And movies and series, same thing: watch an episode, it's cool and fun, but then those characters come back to haunt my thoughts and make my life seem boring in comparison, again and again and again... So I didn't just lose that hour of time that the episode took. I lost a whole bunch of efficiency in the week after. [11am] Doing dishes and making the bed with classical music on. I know AC/DC would energize me more, but this is the healthy choice. It's like choosing the leafy greens over fast food, or not putting sugar in my breakfast. I'm really enjoying these healthy choices now. The actual decision to not give in to a craving is becoming enjoyable? Strange, but it's a blessing [1pm] Well, I've finally done it I'm productive at the desk without substances, thinking fast, clicking fast, feeling great! Ingredients: - 14 days no PMO - 14 days no caffeine - Regular sleep schedule - Eating spinach and chicken every day - Starting the day with a stiff workout and some physical chore, like dishes and laundry

Day 13 [5am] I think a phone call with a friend yesterday, who complimented my morning routine, supported me to suck it up this morning and just execute the program. I was almost ready to re-think it all again, but I keep doing that and it's a trap, too. When I've worked out in the morning, I feel great and ready. So I should keep doing it. And on those days where I missed sleep, I tend to skip workout but I don't think I should. I'd rather move meditating down to the evening, if I'm in a rush. I was ready to share a screenshot of my performance tracking sheet with my friend, but stopped myself. Play by the rules, boy. No texting. I think this adventure has been really useful in showing me where my subtle addictions and dopamine triggers lie. [7pm] Today was a good day, focus-wise. I did not feel particularly like working, but despite that I managed to reach a focused, motivated state. I think it has a lot to do with not eating too much. I fasted until 12pm, then had some oatmeal, then at 4 fried up some eggs.

Reaching Access Concentration By Brute Force - A Step By Step Plan Here's something of value for a change, in case someone is crazy enough to read through all my repetitive complaining and ends up here. Realise this: I don't control how deep my focus is. God decides that. What I do control, is whether I do anything else. Seriously. Nothing else. Get some blood flow by doing some movement. Can be a full-blown workout, but some push-ups or a brisk walk will also do Ensure enough fresh air Turn phone off and put it in another room, or at least out of reach RELAX. Let go of the anxiety about not focusing. Relax body and breathe deeply. Empty desk: remove everything you're not currently using Make a thermos full of ginger tea and put it on your desk. This way you don't have to get up to boil water, and come back and pour tea so many times Close all browser tabs and all windows that are not needed for this task. Be rigorous. Put the food aside. Being slightly hungry is better. Consider adding some coconut oil to ginger tea if needed Put on binaural beats on headphones Write down a tiny first step, execute it, write down tiny next step, rinse, repeat Don't do anything else on the internet, also no useful necessary things if they are not related See something interesting? Do not click it. Find something cool? Do not share it with anyone Only get up to pee and come right back When you have finally reached concentration, don't stop and go blog about it immediately

Day 12 I cheated a little bit by sending a text yesterday. Also happened the day before. Reason this time was that I felt bad because my friend was trying to reach me, and could not. And I promised to call, but then I was too tired/sleep deprived to. I will have to come up with a better system. People are expecting me to text back, wondering what is the matter. I neglected to communicate the change to everyone clearly. Yesterday was pretty shit. All day I tried to work, but I was just too damn sleep deprived. I took two naps in the middle of the work day. A pretty desperate measure. Helped a bit, but not enough. Didn't get anything done for the full 9 hours. This morning at 5am I said "Screw having another shit day like that" and reset my alarm to 7am. One lesson got confirmed: Listening to a voice that dispels information that engages my mind/is interesting/feels important before falling asleep, ruins my ability to fall asleep for at least two hours. Today is going to be better

Day 11 Had a breakthrough day yesterday, it was amazing. It was great fun working together with my friend on our respective business plans. An idea is taking shape. And I've been blessed with a generous offer of expert help from a friend. Currently reading "Caffeine Blues". Yikes. Apparently it's more like smoking than I thought. Everyone depends on it and/or sells it, so no one wants to admit it's bad. I thought I would make coffee a weekly thing, like a cheat day, but I guess not. Also, I'm going to have to stick it out at least another week, to be completely decaffeinated.

Day 10 Did another cold call! Way early in the day, and without coffee. I've started listening to music that literally gets me high. Have a sudden appreciation for the rhymes of Eminem. I'm wondering whether that should violate the rules of dopamine detox? I think it does, its' literally a high I prefer over reading. Although it also brings out feelings of strength and motivation, which is beneficial. Maybe I'll use it as a reward. We'll see.

Day 9 I was slightly ill and bed-ridden yesterday and could have really gone for a movie. Instead, got a lot of reading done! Today I got up at 5 am without a problem, but still tired. I went for the powernap, then changed my mind and just sat at my desk and powered through. I wouldn't be sleeping if I were at work for the boss, so I shan't be sleeping now. Could have used some caffeine. However, the advantage of not having it is that I can sleep whenever I need to, and work whenever I want to.

Day 7 [7am] Good morning! Unfortunately, in my digestive daze I did set my alarm for the right time, but did not turn it on. Now I'm feeling hazy as hell, sleeping too much usually does that. And kind of bummed, because I've put myself through a couple days of rigid scheduling and intermittent fasting, making me super productive, but the only one who benefitted was my employer. Somehow I cut all the entrepreneurship-related tasks out of my schedule. What happened?! My first thought on waking up is: oh man, I'm not making progress. All the friends following a conventional, pre-carved path, at least they have a house and a partner. I'm 27 and I live in a glorified room/small studio apt, I have no curtains and haven't had curtains for 2 years. It's been on my to-do list for 2 years, and somehow I haven't gotten to it. Like what the hell is wrong with me that I can't bring myself to install curtains. It's kind of comical. [1pm] Really wish I could have a cheat day for caffeine. Heavy brain fog. When I was meditating it was like my mind is throwing all these random things at me: strange shapes, random memories, emotions and people from the past, strange, abstract visions of things and creatures morphing into other things and creatures... All of this while I was trying to visualise a meadow.. [1:10] Just realised I put my clothes in the dryer but didn't turn it on. I'm going to have to start turning things on. [4:30pm] Decided to take action on the curtains Went to the hardware store. Felt proud of being goal-oriented through the haze. I need to prioritize improving some essential elements in my immediate environment, so that I can be effective. Hence, I bought an air conditioner today to help me survive the summer, and I'm working on blackout curtains so that I can sleep well. No more messing around. Also: it's a summery day and there are girls in bikini sunbathing. It's giving me immediate boners. So at least something is getting turned on However, I decided to abstain from any sexuality. I wonder, is that why I feel the need to fix my life? Maybe it's not a myth that you become more 'conquering' as a man when you don't chase sexual stimulation. Maybe the religious guy with the strong jaw on youtube had a point.

Day 6 Getting up at 5am is going well! I underestimated the time needed to eat. Really to have a relaxed meal, including the cooking of it, I need 1 hour and 40 minutes. Actually this is not bad since it's all the eating of the day. But I underestimated it. Also underestimated the crash from suddenly switching on the digestive system. Comparable to caffeine crash, actually, looking at the difference in mental energy before and after. But this crash feels very satisfied, whilst the caffeine crash has a more hopeless and depressed flavor. Different strokes for different folks. I'm contemplating eating in two phases: first the protein and vegetables and fats. After that, I can probably still function a bit and work a bit more. Then after that I could have a meal with more carbs, which makes me more sleepy.