flowboy

What the hell, that should only take a couple sessions. It's pretty strange that you are attributing this to you being a "tricky client" - it should just come down to her skill and you shouldn't be made to feel that your slow progress is your fault, provided you are showing up and doing the work. It does have to do with trust, in my opinion. If you would trust fully that she could keep it separate, and help your friend without sharing details about her sessions with you and vice versa, there would be no issue. If your friend and you don't have conflicting goals (you're not fighting or competing) then one person could help you both without a conflict of interest. See how simple that is? But I suspect you don't trust that she can keep it separate and respect your privacy. That could be about the therapist herself, the way she has shown up in a less than trustworthy way, or it could have nothing to do with her, and rather refer to a lack of respect for boundaries or privacy in your childhood. (Did your mother intrude, not let you lock your door, read your diary, expose your secrets, side with your friend, betray your trust in some way) Actually, that's what my money is on. Since parental archetypes inevitably get projected onto therapists and coaches, that means that your imprint from them will play a part. My parents were pretty safe and respectful with my privacy, and I have been coached/therapized by the same guy that was also helping my friends. Never even thought of that being a problem, because my imprint was safe.

One of my fav. clients. Asked to keep his forum name separate from the video, so I'm posting it for him.

I meant breaking the "I want to fuck you" up into tiny little steps and describing those. What do you want to do to her first, or what do you want her to do, who is touching what, what do you want to feel, what do you want to make her feel, describe it using adjectives and storytelling, really draw it out. As long as we're on the subject of sexual talk, that is what I would recommend. In a sense, letting yourself get dragged into a situation where you're that uncomfortable to the point where you're not enjoying it, puts you in a weak position. You're only doing this because you want sex, and she knows it. You're being a play-thing. I would take a step back and stay with a level of discomfort that you are still enjoying, and not completely out of your element. Stronger to say no, or "let's stop dancing and do this", or let's do whatever else is still fun to you. The setup is flawed if you're doing anything to give her a good time so she'll sleep with you. It shows a lack of healthy boundaries. What I like to do, is stay present with my level of discomfort, and take a step back whenever I get too in my head. Then take a step forward when I'm comfortable again. Et cetera. This can put you into a nice flow state where anything can happen. It starts with listening to your body and valuing yourself and your inner experience over the outcome.

Tonglen meditation is excellent. Glad to hear you were able to get past it in this situation! I'm happy for you. This is excellent that you remember this. The closer you can feel pain to its original context, the more longterm you are healing it. If you want to avoid this predicament in the future, you might try some inner child work on it.

Yeah, how about breaking that up into tiny little steps and describing those in detail? Don't summarize for God's sake, that's a mood kill ?

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@eliasvelez Huge pleasure working with you, and thank you for writing all that ? Onwards and upwards! Including the video for completeness:

@Vido It's not a skill. It's a shedding of outer layers. Trying to incorporate it as a skill, something you 'add', will just lead to more fakery that girls will not trust. Your high-energy persona is fake. This has to be seen. There is something deeper behind it, something that was unacceptable in the past. But it is there. It's always there. So stop trying to add things. Start listening to your body. Especially your gut and underbelly. Breathe deeply into your belly, this is essential. Many people can't even do this, so pay extra attention to your breath. When do you feel strong/when do you feel weak, when you say things? To become authentic, you will have to say a lot of things that you expect to be shamed for. The high-energy "charismatic" persona (I have one too - quite painful to think about) probably feels like you're in your head, tension around your head. No feeling the lower body. It says "Please accept me, please accept me" And that's what others feel when you talk to them. Say things that you are afraid to be unaccepted for, while breathing deeply. Experience that that is safe. If that as an exercise works for you, great. You might want to add some shadow work to that practice.

Yeah you're trying to please her, make it go well, do whatever she expects, "whatever works". That's the wrong energy to be in. She's shit testing you exactly because she senses that you're in your head: you're trying to say whatever works to make it work. That's not what she wants, dude. She wants authenticity. Say whatever you feel. Real sexytalk comes from what arises within you. Regardless of how she'd respond. You need to have that detachment from her reaction, in order to be authentic. You're never saying "the wrong thing" unless you're saying something that your mind came up with in the hopes of getting a good response. The only solution is to be more in touch with yourself and your feeling, and not be in your head while you're doing it. Can't have good sex otherwise.

@Vision Notice how you're ignoring all answers except the one you already had in mind, which no one suggested to you. If you want to do a heavy metal detox, just go do it.

@Vercingetorix When was the first moment you remember learning that expressing your own desires and needs was not okay, and you had to push them aside? I would guess if you're anything like me, you've had this dynamic with other women as you grew up. Probably also your parents. And I know it's related to past experiences. It's a conditioned pattern. I'm saying this because I have been (and sometimes still am) in the position you described. Where I really had a crush on a woman, and that somehow made it very hard to stay present with my own desires and boundaries, and almost impossible to express myself authentically. Labeling this as "nice guy syndrome" and having a tough-love attitude of "just get over it" - I notice that impulse in me, because I know the pain of it, and I'm trying to help my past self through it as I'm trying to help you through it - but it's not the right way. I should not try to prevent you from feeling this pain (hurt/anger). In fact, feeling this pain fully is what helped me transform. Which is why I don't recommend spiritual bypassing (letting go, focusing on love, all that BS)

I understand that. I was giving you a prescription of behavior that I estimated to be your best shot ... but I also know that from the emotional position you are in with her, that would be very difficult to implement. Careful though - you've been playing games this whole time. Feeling attraction and hiding it, pretending to be just a caring friend instead - that's the game you've been playing. Take this attitude to the next girl you meet and use it to express your desires no matter what she will think. I think it's pretty clear how things will unfold. She will never be with you, but she will use you as a shoulder to cry on over other guys she met - because that's the position you put yourself in. And I suspect you're not genuinely thinking this is fun - are you using that as a cover for anger and hurt? I would be angry and hurt. My own fault or not, doesn't matter. If a girl I like is using me as a shoulder to cry on over guys... that fucking sucks. I really fucked myself. Fuck this nice guy conditioning. That's what I would be feeling. The heartbreaking process is pretty fun I call bullshit? More self-denial. More pushing away of your real feelings, which is what got you into this mess in the first place.

He's going to think that anyway when he finds out that you weren't attracted to him all this time, and the longer you wait, the worse it is for him. Here's the problem I see: you've apparently decided that you want to be in a relationship without physical attraction, but by keeping that a secret from him, you've also decided that for him. He hasn't gotten the chance to decide whether he wants to be in that, knowing that. Your insecurities are causing you to waste both your and his time. Work on those, instead of obsessing over this situation. You can't have a healthy relationship without healthy self-image and self-worth, so why not take the shortcut to success and work on that directly? The guy (whichever one) will fall into place after that. You need and deserve to feel great in your own skin and feel attractive, and consider yourself a catch. No dating experience is going to feel satisfying until you get there, whichever guy you pick.

Napoleon Hill was the OG self help guru of his time. He also sold courses on how to quit your job and get rich. Those were to be attended in person, in classrooms. It seems likely that he was an unscrupulous liar (and effective marketer) when it comes to creating backstories for the principles he shared. Reading about his life story, it doesn't seem like he was ever successful at anything else but peddling the get-rich dream. He used fake namedropping to sell his books and courses (the president, Andrew Carnegie) to poor workers who wanted a better life. Skimming over the principles listed in the book, they seem mostly solid to me. Good knowledge can be shared by deeply flawed characters. That said, I prefer to learn from people who I'd actually want to emulate. If I want to be like Andrew Carnegie, I'll read his biography directly.

Well as I said I'd approach it a bit differently, but whatever works for you! I support you. Keep up the good work ?

You are so close. You've gotten to the "helplessness". All you need now is context. I suspect that in your perception the helplessness is a sign you should end the session. I would say that's where it's actually beginning. At that point you need to surrender to it. This is where when I'm guiding someone, I sharply ask situational questions to force the original context to come up, which creates the breakthrough. I suppose you can do this for yourself as well.

I was once in a workshop doing an exercise to open up the body and let the energy flow freely. There was one guy with a high pain tolerance. We literally had to sit on him with 5 guys, pushing our knees and elbows into his body at painful pressure points, until he "gave up" his pain tolerance and started moaning. That "giving up" of fighting the pain is essential. When you're tense and fighting the pain, you're blocking yourself. When you're visibly shaking and moaning, having "given up" to fight it, surrendering to the hopelessness and helplessness... THAT's the state you want. You can see why. Hopelessness and helplessness are at the core of our deepest shadow. Feeling that again, can directly transport you into the real feeling you need to heal.

Visibly shaking with voice quivering is what you should strive for when integrating the shadow, much more conducive to the process

I was not aware you are using psychedelics. I'd encourage you to try without, with maybe just a bit of breathwork instead to open you up. It's not that psychedelics aren't good for this, they can be, but they can also create a big mess that's too much to deal with or contextualize at once. It's kind of like fishing with dynamite versus with a well-targeted handheld rod with the right bait. And if you suppose that you don't have a net to catch all fish with, you must grab them by hand one by one, and leaving a dead fish would be disastrous. They blow open the gates that block the amygdala from showing you the real pain that is attached to past experiences. They might blow up all the gates at once, where you could also just open one through targeted inquiry. Focus there. That's the core of it. When did you feel this helplessness What was the situation Who was involved What need did you have to give up on ever getting met I would recommend just grinding at those questions sober, without psychedelics to kick up so much dust. This is still symbolic. Integration doesn't fully happen until the symbolizing stops and you see it for what it really is.

He's doing the exact opposite of what you are trying to do. If you look at the video around 14:14, you can see: Constricted breathing Constricted voice Body tension, all muscles tensing up trying to bear it This is pain repression at its finest. People with repressed emotional pain walk around every day with constricted breathing, constricted voice and body tension, and they're not even aware of it. Shadow integration requires letting go of the body tension and deepening the breath, in order that the pain can be fully felt.

If you have 18k in the bank, why not do this right now? The sooner you see if it's actually for you. Same with the writing.

The parts marked in blue seem like tiny little lies to me. Only you can know whether I'm right about that of course, but do check What's the fear preventing you from telling your truth?

SELF HEALING SEQUENCE Guided meditation. Apply for: low self-esteem * feeling anxious * feeling lost * feeling small * feeling insecure * getting disproportionately angry * feeling worthless * feeling unattractive or when some other inner experience is stopping you from expressing yourself confidently and authentically

@LastThursday Absolute honor and pleasure to work with you ? Thank you for the kind words.

Could you share more about that? Perhaps it’s the beginning of a breakthrough to a deeper layer. I’ve seen it with clients that they feel like they’re going insane, seem very erratic and panicked, but then we put words to the feeling and look for the original context, which creates a breakthrough, which comes with relaxation, crying and insights. So that would be my tip, next time you feel that. - Upon getting that sense of going insane, - Force yourself to put words to the feeling. Example: “They’re going to hurt me. I’m not safe” - Then ask: “Who?” and just kind of prompt your subconscious mind with questions for more details about the situation this new feeling is about. Even though consciously you have no idea, and the story you started doing the work on is different. Example: “My father! He’s going to hurt me. “ ”What do I see” ”I see my father standing over me holding a belt! He’s going to hurt me! I’m 4 years old and my mother went away” ... et cetera This should actually calm you down and give you lots of insights, if you make it past that point. Ignore my last post, this is a better answer. Happy to see someone actually doing deep work, awesome.