flowboy

Lately means that you didn't have this problem before. So: your life has become more stressful. What changed?

@Brent Rothwell Acting tough like you're always in control, if it doesn't match how you feel inside, is incongruent and women won't feel safe with you or trust you if you do that. Don't do that. Don't do any acting. There's a difference between: expressing your emotions with the implicit ask for her to listen and help you feel better acting unconsciously out of your emotions (being emotionally reactive, blaming/accusing etc), and: being aware of what you are feeling and talking about it with her, without putting the burden on her to make you feel better, without being unconsciously controlled by your emotions You can do some of nr 1, in my relationship we do that for each other, but it's best to make sure that it is with permission. Either implicitly or explicitly, you should have established that she has the space and energy to listen to you. If you overdo it, or are unconscious about it and demand more of this type of attention than she is willing to give, you get a dynamic where you are the needy one and the other will feel burdened and pushed away. It's possible that there is a true incompatibility, where one partner wants to have lots of listening and caretaking of each other's emotions, and the other doesn't want so much of that in a relationship. It's a personal preference that is not right or wrong, but it needs to match. If it doesn't match, a change is needed where one person either gets a therapist or sees their friends more, or the couple seeks counselling, or they break up. You should avoid nr. 2 when you can, because it's the cause for drama, but also beware that you can't always avoid it. The amount of this that you can't avoid, should roughly match hers, because it's a measurement of your level of maturity. It's pretty standard for people in relationships to have a certain level/frequency of drama that they are comfortable at. If you are incorrectly matched there, you won't be together long. And when it happens, introspect and learn from it together. Nr. 3 you can do lots of, and your girl will love it. Unless she's not interested in who you are, which would make it a superficial relationship. To sum up: Consciousness: practice to be aware of and take responsibility for what is going on inside you, so you can talk about it instead of act from it. Permission: if you have a need to be listened to or for someone to make you feel better about something you're feeling, that involves the other person expending energy and you taking it. It can be a good thing, but only if both people are up for it. Don't over-demand or unconsciously take, or you'll push someone away. Responsibility: who is holding space for the feelings being discussed? If you are holding space for your own feelings, you can tell her about them casually without it taking energy from her, in fact that will be attractive and positive to her. If you have a need to be made to feel better, then she is expending energy to hold space for your feelings. Learn to sense the differenc.

It's not a date in her mind. She mentioned her boyfriend after agreeing to meet you, so that can mean two things: She has some integrity and expects to just have a friendly hangout with you. Any attempt at intimacy will cross her boundaries. She doesn't have integrity and is not calling it a date in her mind, but she might cheat on her relationship anyway. Bad situation to be in. If you have integrity and still think she's worth pursuing, you'll friendzone her on the date, proactively turn it into a friendly hangout, and if there is sexual tension you set a boundary that she end her relationship before you go there.

Since I put up www.erikjongbloed.com in 2019 and officially started what I would today call childhood-aware life purpose coaching, several people from this community have also opted to work with me, and I thought it'd be nice to collect some of those experiences in a topic that others can read if they are curious about what I do.

@Butters These kinds of compulsions tend to, at their root, be stronger than any strategy. Yes you can discipline yourself to not spend a lot of money, but then the compulsion will morph into something else, another way to rebel, make exceptions, find that freedom. Could become anything from just a ton of body tension, or more unhealthy food exceptions, to creating more drama in your relationship, to migraines. Not to dismiss practical strategies, they can work, and if you have a practical need for this change, you should practice discipline, but the core impulse of it won't go away like that and find another outlet. Maybe a more innocent one, or maybe one that you will have less conscious awareness of and is therefore more sneaky. The reason is that they are rooted in a part of the brain that is deeper and more powerful than thinking, awake consciousness (the symbolizing cortex). It could be unprocessed feelings from childhood, or it could be unprocessed pain from infanthood. Usually a combination. You'll probably assume at first that you don't have a significant amount of that, and you'll be wrong, but it could not be any other way. It's by definition unconscious material. What I would recommend is to yes, patch the leak with discipline and strategies, but also work on the long term solution, which is to diminish the compulsion by letting out the energy that drives it. A good way to do this, is to use the compulsion as a way in. In your case this would be: Find moments where you are about to spend a lot of money compulsively Don't do it, deny yourself any relief (can be hard to do in the beginning, but be patient) When you successfully held back the compulsion, lie down somewhere and inspect how you feel The discomfort can be identified as a body feeling, and upon further inspection, an emotion too Then ask: is it familiar? With practice, your subconscious will hand you some past painful scenarios While lying down, go over those scenarios and feel the pain of them. If done properly, it's really scary and feels like you might die, but you won't. This is how you cure it without it then morphing into something else. Takes a few months of practice though, during which your compulsions will diminish and you'll get more sense of wholeness as a person.

I spoke to someone from a mastermind I was in, he talked about his experience with him, I tracked him down. So, by word of mouth.

@max duewel Definitely getting coached is recommendable. If you don't get coached, then you have an internal conflict when convincing others to get coached. Also, pay an amount for it that is painful. If you cheap out, you'll attract clients that cheap out on you. I paid my coach 2k a month for a good while.

@Simple Success Beautiful! Nice to see someone who finished the LP course with a real-world plan, not just abstract ideas. If you're indeed good at consistency, you'll make this work. Could go fast, could take a couple years (finding your voice and audience), but who cares. Here's a painful lesson I learnt that could be useful to you: don't start on multiple platforms, pick one way to generate leads/followers that you like doing and stick to it. Only add another one when you can pay someone to do it for you. I had a period where I panicked and started to post on LinkedIn, Facebook, Instagram, Reddit, YouTube, and more, and I burnt myself out quickly with very little to show for it. There is just no way to do all of those things well, each platform has its own way of structuring things that works, and consistency is the name of the game. A good YouTube short is not the same as a good Instagram post, etc. Focus wins, even if it seems to take a bit more time. Also, you don't even have to start digitally. I'm sure there's lots of people in your city that want to get ripped. Offline marketing still works, and sometimes it pays to do the opposite of what the crowd is doing.

@Loving Radiance Lovely. If more clarity follows, I'll be curious to read it.

Psychosis is repressed early trauma bubbling up to the surface without proper integration. Psychedelics can cause this because they mess with the repressive system, sometimes permanently opening gates that used to shield someone from their unconscious pain. This 'fear of absolute truth' you mention, is actually right, but it includes the absolute truth of how someone was abused, neglected or came close to death as a baby. It's only human and normal to have a deathly fear of that. There's no way not to. Blowing up the repressive system with tons of psychedelics is not a wise way of going about it for everyone.

Hi @Loving Radiance I re-read your post a couple times and let it sit for a few days. Here's some stuff we have in common: I also studied biotech, but not as long as you I quit because I couldn't see myself working in a lab under fluorescent lights I sustained myself with programming, though I have much more of a passion for it than you I also did a bunch of stage green & neotantra retreats I also shifted my interest to psychology and the human mind I 'wasted' much more of my twenties than you, until I was 27 my life was mostly being in survival mode, unsuccessful attempts at personal development and starting businesses, being unconscious and held back by ADHD and childhood trauma, then at 27 I slowly started taking action towards something purposeful, still taking many detours trying to figure it out without burning out. Sometimes I regret the wasted time, but I can also see how it couldn't have gone any other way, given my history, conditioning and environment. And I had fun and made friends on the way. I also love personal development and community, and am working on combining those into a project I'm proud of I also have done (and still do) coaching Here's what's on my mind after reading your posts: There's perhaps a contradiction/conflict with your beliefs and your strengths So those are qualities that loosely relate to therapy, leadership and coaching. But then you say: So you liked coaching, but not when everyone is doing it? What you want to do should not depend on what other people are doing. You can, will inevitably, find a way that is unique to you, if you do something long enough with passion and curiosity. I'm not saying you should start coaching again. Everyone and their dog is a coach now, I know. I'm just inviting you to check if you have the same bias that I have: a neurotic need to be unique and different. This has become a trap for me, as I tend to turn away from things as soon as I perceive other people doing similar things, and it doesn't satisfy my need to be unique and different anymore. Now, doing things in your own unique way is mostly a good thing because it leads to innovation, but for me there is also a dark side to it: I tend to be so distrustful or dismissive towards anything that comes with an established group of people, that I miss opportunities to learn from others. I relate this back to my childhood: I never belonged, I never fit in, not in the main crowd at least. Because of that, I now have an unconscious fear that if what I do isn't "alternative" and different enough, "they" will not accept and hurt me. This is something I have to keep in check. Maybe it doesn't apply to you, ignore this part in that case. Regardless, don't be a coach if you don't want to, unless it's really what makes you happy. Those strengths you named can be applied in many other ways too. You have the life purpose course, but you didn't complete it. Why? One thing I usually advise clients with similar questions, is to make small bets. Leo's course also emphasizes the importance of small bets, trying things out to see how they feel. If you want to get out of theorizing and find your path, you will have to make lots of small bets. A small bet only counts if you honestly believe it has the potential to become your "thing". A small bet is often scary and requires some courage. A small bet often requires acting in the face of the fear of looking stupid. Learning programming even though you already know you don't like it, doesn't count as a small bet. That's not to say to not do it, I'm making a different point. Learning something else you're not particularly interested in, in order to provide for yourself, seems like a step sideways: you're already in the process of learning something you're not particularly interested in, but offers job opportunities. Why exchange one for the other? I don't know anyone who actually works 2 hours a day at a programming job and can sustain themselves that way. Maybe that is the domain of the freelancers who delegate everything, I do know someone like that, but that takes a longer time to build up, because you need to understand it well enough to do quality control, and also build up a network of clients. If you already feel uninterested in the topic, and neither IT nor business excites you, that will be an uphill battle. I'm not saying don't do it, I am saying that you are probably looking at it through rose colored glasses because you're craving a change. There are no real wrong decisions in this context. If you have the tenacity to keep trying things out and developing yourself, you'll find your path one way or the other. It's hard to maintain a grounded sense of direction and know who you truly are, if you haven't worked through childhood trauma enough. What 'enough' is, differs from person to person, but you'll know you're there when you feel grounded and clear about your direction. How's your relationship with your father? Lack of direction usually has to do with the father. Either he's too opinionated on what his child should do, therefore the child can either try to neurotically please the father and abandon its own wants, or defy the father and be on its own too soon, because it had to defy him, resulting in excessive self doubt and lack of direction. Or it's the other way around, which is how it was for me: he's not involved and supportive enough, he's fine with anything his child chooses to do, he's sure it will work out some way or another, but doesn't really have enough input to give, to provide strong support and let the child internalize that sense of strong support, which is a more covert form of emotional neglect, also resulting in a sense of lack of direction. Great! But, abstract. Now from that, there can be thousands of iterations of concrete ways to actualize this. Why don't you brainstorm a list of concrete ways, and figure out some small bets? Stick to things that can be executed immediately, where you are, with the time you have, with the resources you already have access to. That's where I used to trip up, I liked to keep it abstract or at least include some element that wasn't available yet, be it time or connections or resources. It's a procrastination. I'm sure you have the resources right in front of you to actualize this, if you're willing to see them.

True. Well-balanced viewpoint. I infer that you're doing well, I'm happy about it!

Another thing I found helpful is to set boundaries, for what behavior (cuddling/kissing/partying with others) is okay with you. And where you set the boundary, is where you can still be your best self. So if she's doing something that is currently too much for you to handle, and you'll be all insecure and anxious all the time, that's not good, and you can ask her not to do that so that you can be reasonably chill. Being anxious and in drama all the time is just not good for a relationship. I know, because I'm currently still exploring my boundaries with that. All of that is not to say that you can forbid her to do things. It's up to her to accept that or not. Maybe there's an incompatibility there, where she wants to be free and party and doesn't want to be patient with you. Maybe she does. Find out.

@Ampresus I empathize. I've had times where I felt so lonely/alone that I chased every girl away with it. I vividly remember how a girl I was sleeping with who was really into me, instantly stopped responding to me when I begged her to come over because I felt alone. Pickup will be an uphill battle from this state, and won't solve that feeling either. I discovered later that my lonely feeling was part due to repressed pain from my childhood. Never fitting in, getting bullied, getting left alone with people who scared me, stuff like that. I worked on that (and still do at times) using shadow work and also worked with a professional trauma therapist, Primal therapy works best for me. Also, I started exploring myself, new interests I hadn't dared go into, took acting classes, improv classes, public speaking, tantra workshops, and I gathered a solid tribe from all of those things. Having good deep friendships helps a lot. Then you have a life that a girl would want to be part of. To summarize: Lasting, debilitating negative emotional states rarely only have to do with the present situation, there's usually resonance with the past that is an opportunity for healing and lightening the load I found shadow work and different forms of emotional healing work helpful, and also finding my tribe through pursuing new interests was helpful. My life was more complete and it was easier to not depend on a girl for emotional well-being, which made me a more attractive choice and I knew it. I still did sporadic approaches and online dating. There's nothing wrong with it. Some girls would just really like me and date me or sleep with me even though they could see I wasn't "complete" within myself. And that was nice. But making my own life more fun and complete, with passions and friendships, made all of that a lot easier.

Women don't need videos on how to get laid. They need videos on how to recognize and find actual husband material and keep him.

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A loser is a loser until they heal their trauma and come to see it in a different way. Shadow work will help. Trauma healing therapy too. I’m still working on it as well.

@Aakash Vijayan My advice would be to seek out YouTube channels and podcasts that talk about avoidant/anxious dynamics, you may find some good specific tips there on how to deal with this together. If she is avoidant attached and acknowledges that, then she may be up for working on the relationship together and seeing that you both have a part in this. I'm sure there's many relationship coaches that focus on this, and you could really benefit from a call with one, as a couple. Then, you can use your current relationship for growth and it can last a long time. If she's not willing to work on it, then you can still do your part to heal your attachment system, through therapy. However, if she's truly avoidant and you would actually heal yourself towards a more secure attachment style, while she remains the same and doesn't work on it, then ultimately the relationship will probably not work out, because avoidants seek out anxious for a reason. Avoidants end up with anxiously attached people because those are the only ones who will put up with their shit (becoming distant suddenly after moments of great connection, etc). No securely attached person will ultimately settle for that behavior. So, if it's true that she's an avoidant and it's not just your projection, then you both will have to agree to heal simultaneously, through your individual therapy but also supporting each other and being incredibly patient. In any case, what I would do is get a therapist who specializes in attachment, work with them, and hope for the best. It is for the best. It will either benefit your current relationship, or the next one. @meadow what do you think?

If there will be a movie about my life, I'll send it to you

Loved that show ^ ^

Hahaha, those are not so basic for most people, even here For sure. Why are these things even called 'basics', or foundationals, it's misleading

@Ves Sounds like neither your childhood nor your academic pursuits have left you much time or freedom to find out what you're actually passionate about. Time to reclaim that. Life purpose course? If you need/want to work now, then maybe joining a startup is better, since you're closer to the mission, and if it's a mission you can get behind, you'll feel more passionate.

... which you want because of your core desire for more wealth or possibly more sex. Or it could be related to the 'esteem' desire from Maslow's pyramid, but that falls under "raising your status in your relative bubble" In other words, if you had work ethic and ambitious drive, then you would be more proud of yourself or your friends would see you as more cool. Or it's about money or sex. Other desires don't matter because most people are in survival mode. You may have a desire for art and beauty, but are you going to buy that 1200$ painting? No, because having more wealth is an unfulfilled core desire that is more important at the moment. (unless having that painting in your house makes you look cool in front of your friends, depending on how unfulfilled your esteem needs are currently, you might still buy it) It works the same for others. To make money, you have to think about your followers/customers/clients/fans' lives and needs. For example, if you were a music artist selling merchandise, you are helping them 1. be entertained, and 2. look cool with the t-shirt in their circle of friends (status) Or you wouldn't sell. You could say most music also fulfills a mental health need, as the songs are about relatable emotions and it helps to process your own. More examples: If you can draw things, then you could: - draw things for clients that need to have things drawn so that they can make money, for example game companies ($$) - draw portraits for people at childrens' parties, for entertainment ($) - draw portraits for people who can hang it up at their place and raise their status with it ($$$$), but you'll only make that work when you yourself have reputation and status - teach drawing ($) at a school/art class, you can make it work but it's not a goldmine because it's very indirectly related to a core desire of the decisionmaker - teach drawing online for people who are hoping to become an artist and get their wealth needs met (commoditized, not lucrative unless you have status and reputation) - teach people how to draw AND make a good income from it ($$$$), more directly related to the wealth desire, will only work if you actually know how to and can make people believe it - draw children's books to entertain them ($$) - draw children's books to aid their mental health development ($$$$), parents love to overspend on their child's health and status - draw things that promises to raise people's vibration (mental health need), Teal Swan pulls that off but she has status and reputation, which makes the value more believable. Etc. I would invite you to cross-reference all your skills in a table with the core desires, and come up with 5 ideas per cell. Like this: forgot the "increase wealth" one btw.

@Danioover9000 No, it's about basic empathy and understanding for other human beings. Almost everyone, including you, has some core desires or needs that they are trying to meet, which I listed above. For example, you are currently looking to fulfill a desire for more wealth, which is one of them. If what you do doesn't help them towards one of those core desires, they have no time or money for your product or service. If they have no time or money for your product or service, then you won't make money. Almost everyone, including you, is too busy or tired or scared to care about what you have to offer, unless it helps them away from a pain that is relevant to them, towards pleasure, in a way that they can believe.