flowboy

I got up early, which is why I'm feeling sleep deprived today. It causes me to have cravings. I want coffee. I want carbs. Sugar. Anything. I wonder whether I'm being too strict on myself. But I know that's just the cravings undermining me through sneaky thoughts. Giving in to cravings causes cravings. I drank beer so now I want it again. But, I didn't have coffee yet. Even though it's right under my nose! And I'm taking care of my sleep: I started reading before bed, instead of watching stuff on a screen while falling asleep. Reading is another one of my goals! I'm thinking, today can be my first TV free day! That to me means no video watching, unless I'm learning from it and doing a chore meanwhile. So lectures, seminars, podcasts and the like are okay to have on while washing dishes, but if I want to be entertained while eating, I pick up a book. Let's see how this goes

Again again I must learn this lesson: there is no such thing as catching up. And even if there were, it's usually not worth it. Different examples of this are: Morning routine. I'm learning it has to be the first thing you do, even before looking at your phone. The past week I've had many days where I didn't plan for it and had early morning plans, and then postponed it to later in the day. Which led to skipping. Also, doing your morning ritual in the late afternoon just makes way less sense. My food journal. It's missing 10 days, during which I strayed here and there. The obsessive-compulsive part of me wants to remember all my meals for the past week and write them all down, just to have the list complete. That could take me half a day. The goal of the food journal is not to have a complete history, but to put awareness on what I'm putting in my body, at the moment that I'm doing it. I was lucky to be on vacation with a woman in the group who's very conscious about food and also on a very specific diet. That made it easier to stick to it. There was a moment where I ordered a salad that had goat cheese. I possess the few words in Spanish to order it without the cheese. I didn't want to. When I eat out, I want to enjoy it. Also, it's not like I'm allergic to dairy. I just vaguely believe it's not healthy / may cause osteoporosis or dementia. That was the same day that I decided to have a coffee, and later in the evening to have a glass of wine. The theme of the day was not wanting to miss out, and rebelling against my own rules. It's fine. I was on vacation. Got up at : 6:20 Number of women approached : 2 Total infield time : 30m Total meditation time : 7h30 Speeches given : 1 Days without smoking : 30 alcohol : 2 caffeine except tea : 2 TV : 0 grains : 29 sugar : 17 dairy : 5 Porn and Peak orgasm : 43 30 days without smoking! Yay me!

I've been working to do without that cup of coffee a day, for the past months. If you want to follow this journey, you can do so at: I want to be a non-coffee drinker and stay that way. Tolerance builds quickly and after a few weeks you will need a few cups just to feel awake and normal. Along with the trouble falling asleep, extra heart racing and anxiety during the day, and energy crashes that coffee brings. Any health - mental or otherwise - benefits of coffee to me smell like society rationalizing its favorite addiction. I have dealt with feeling slightly depressed for the better part of 2018. To address that, I researched and compiled an extensive list of foods that boost serotonin, other ingredients that boost dopamine, and also the ones that boost testosterone, because this is important for energy and feeling positive and calm. I have these lists on my kitchen cabinets to inspire my cooking. I find this helpful. If you want these lists, PM me and save yourself some googling and editing. For me, the most effective measures against slight depression have proven to be: weight training adjusting diet 'shamanic breathing' meditation microdosing psilocybin creating a clear vision for myself that I revisit every day Coffee will just bring you anxiety and stress in the long run.

I'm starting to feel a bit strung out. I looked over my food journal where I've been writing down what I eat and how I'm feeling. It says 'underslept', 'hungry and excited but I need sleep', 'underslept and headache', 'seriously need sleep' all week. It's the new diet and all the green tea I think. Feels like I'm speeding. Even when I'm super tired, it happens that half an hour later I'm just over it and a new rush of energy is coming, and I am talking people's ears off. Hard to fall asleep in that mode. Until today. Today I can't bring myself to do almost anything. I took a nap that was hard to come back from. Still I promised myself to pack my suitcase today. It will be interesting to see how I manage to do my meditation, visualisation, affirmations and yoga during a group vacation abroad. Probably I won't update this thread but I will bring a physical journal to collect meditation times and findings in until I'm back. Got up at : 9:30 Number of women approached : 1 Total infield time : 30m Total meditation time : 5h20 Speeches given : 1 Days without smoking : 21 alcohol : 21 caffeine except tea : 21 TV : 0 grains : 20 sugar : 8 dairy : 20 Porn and Peak orgasm : 34

Got up at : 9:50 Number of women approached : 1 Total infield time : 30m Total meditation time : 5h10 Speeches given : 1 Days without smoking : 19 alcohol : 19 caffeine : 19 TV : 1 grains : 18 sugar : 6 dairy : 18 Porn and Peak orgasm : 32 Staying up until 2:30 to slow cook a steak and catch up on meditation was not a good choice. I should have had a quick snack and gotten some sleep. This morning I was obscenely late for work, only meditated 5 minutes, and still sleepy all day. I have to learn to respect my sleep! No matter how elated I feel.

Got up at : 7:40 Number of women approached : 1 Total infield time : 30m Total meditation time : 5h05 Speeches given : 1 Days without smoking : 19 alcohol : 19 caffeine : 19 TV : 1 grains : 18 sugar : 6 dairy : 18 Porn and Peak orgasm : 32 Today was the first time in 18 days that I didn't have time to finish my morning routine. I think the ketosis is kicking to gear, because even though I was underslept, I had crazy energy and focus all day (compared to my normal), like I was on speed or dexamphetamine. Except that I was not. I was on green tea. Nailed a job interview. Had a glowing experience when my day culminated in an improv workshop at Toastmasters. Just couldn't stop smiling and felt very in flow. And today is not even a MD day! Was planning on meditating for an hour while the meat is cooking, but I decided to stop because my brain is quite tired now. I'm proud I did it in the evening, because the morning I had to skip. Consistency Overall, amazing day!

Last night I could physically feel the confusion of my body about the lack of tryptophan to make melatonin with, laying in bed exhausted but with wide open eyes. Nevertheless... I'm happy to say that I Got up at 8:17 which is a small but significant improvement! And I meditated 15 minutes, feeling less rushed than yesterday. It's all about remembering why in the morning.

Got up at : 9:20 Number of women approached : 1 Total infield time : 30m Total meditation time : 4h40 Speeches given : 1 Days without smoking : 16 alcohol : 16 caffeine : 16 TV : 0 grains : 15 sugar : 3 dairy : 15 Porn and Peak orgasm : 29 Leo says in his video about goal setting: "Only 20% of your goals are going to get accomplished, this is normal" What?! I feel resistance to this idea. I have been feeling all my life like I'm not living up to my own standards, so why would I make that worse by aiming for more than I can accomplish? I mean, that's what I'm doing. But then I get to estimating how much time to put in, and it is just obvious that there's no way it all fits. Do I just live with a list of goals that is a big fat lie..?

Coffee I'm starting to believe that there's a mild toxin in coffee. Because when I drink decaffeinated, it still gives me a crash. Dry, sleepy eyes, brain feels a bit overheated and won't process a lot, heart racing and wanting to lie down. Is this the fungus toxin on coffee beans that I thought was a myth? I don't think Leo ever explained why he recommends staying away from 'all coffee', but I'm starting to get it. I will still allow myself to drink decaf, but I plan to switch to green tea for daily intake. Am I in ketosis? Probably not. That would surprise me. There was no noticable period of awfulness. To be fair I have been slowly weaning myself off carb rich foods for the past month, and increasing my fat intake. So maybe I escaped it? What I'm noticing: No more continuous hunger, the need to snack all the time has disappeared I don't crave sugar, chocolate even, and cakes don't look that good to me I used to be tired after a meal, and wanting to lie down. Now, it's the opposite! Like more fuel was added, so I instantly feel energetic and awake. I mean, logically it makes sense, but it's very confusing when you've had intense "after-dinner-dips" all your life. Being hungry is a different experience now. I don't recognize it because it's merely a subtle decrease in mental sharpness. I confuse it with sleepiness. Nothing like the pit in my stomach I would feel when I was eating bread all the time. I thought one morning that my breath smelt weird. I'm fascinated by the keto thing, but I am not striving to be in ketosis at the moment. So I'm not going to buy testing strips. What matters is that I eat things I believe are good for me. Timeboxing Yesterday I attempted to calculate how many hours a week/month I should block for which activity/goal. But oh no, it turns out that I don't have enough free hours for everything I was planning on! I don't want to choose between reading books or doing pickup or working on a business plan. They all are important to me. Neither do I want to do something like having 3 hours a week for pickup, 1.5 to read, 3.5 to work on a business plan, et cetera. That's a good way to kid yourself and accomplish nothing. (There are more things taking up a lot of time, like gym, acting class, public speaking, improv class, driving lessons, et cetera) There must be sacrifice. What will it be? Got up at : 8:50 Number of women approached : 1 Total infield time : 30m Total meditation time : 4h35 Speeches given : 1 Days without smoking : 15 alcohol : 15 caffeine : 15 TV : 0 grains : 14 sugar : 2 dairy : 14 Porn and Peak orgasm : 28

Woke up at 10am today. I had set my alarm for 10:30. Why so late? Because I watched TV until 2. Because I was too exhausted to make the right decision. I'm feeling kind of stressed, rushed, constantly, since I've started looking at my tasks regularly, and using a schedule. Since I've started being a Person Who Does Things, essentially. What did I learn from this? Hmm. Netflix is too addictive. Better not touch, especially when tired. Bedtime is crucial. My conclusion so far is that being a Person Who Does Things is a tradeoff: more stress, less guilt. I'm more aware of time all day, which makes it harder to have that feeling of really enjoying a moment, without thinking about the next thing to do. And there's less to none self-critical nagging. Screw it. I'd take that tradeoff any day. And I'm proud of how productive and motivated and disciplined I have been, for the past couple weeks. Let's not forget that I have another modus operandi where I watch youtube all day, eat cake, smoke cigarettes, jerk off, and drink beer until I pass out. And that was scary recent. What a difference Had a bit of the panicky-anxious feeling when I woke up. I think I know what that's about: I don't plan my weeks in advance. Which means that every morning when planning my day, I have nothing to go on and too many things to choose from, essentially. What I'm striving for is living while knowing that what I'm doing is according to plan, and progressing me somehow. And it is just a lot of pressure, to plan a single day with ALL the goals and actionable things in mind. Better to assign some hours of working on a goal to some specific days, in advance. So I can go "ah, I do not have to think about this goal today, because I will {read | work out | study driving theory} on Wednesday!" There will be conflict between trying to get up at a decent time every day, and going out at night. Do I just try to sleep from 4am to 7, and then take a nap later? That seems to be the option that allows me to keep a rhythm. I fear the chaos it will bring. Got up at { 10:30 } Number of women approached : 1; Total infield time : 30m; Total meditation time : 3h45; Speeches given : 1; Days without { smoking : 13; alcohol : 13; caffeine : 13; TV : 0; grains : 12; sugar : 0; dairy : 12; Porn and Peak orgasm : 26; }

Got up at 9:50!! I'm pretty sure I had my eyes open waay before I actually got up, but it's like I'm dealing with a different person, before I get out of bed. It's like for my day to go well, I have to convince my lazy bum friend to get up early He is worried that he will never ever stop feeling tired unless he stays in bed right now. And he knows that Regular Me will make us do shit when he gets up, and he does not care for it. I meditated only 5 minutes because I was so late. I've been feeling sort of cranky and confused all day. I blame it on having to rush in the morning. So I have to give myself props for still at least going through my morning routine, but sleep is the next thing to get in order. So far I have some momentum with "showing up" for the habits that I want, now I need to show up on time. That will mean: shopping for an alarm device that I respect more than my cellphone sleeping in total darkness and silence (not while watching/listening to something) going to bed early enough that I trust I will get enough rest, and with the getting up time in mind Got up at : 9:50 Number of women approached in 2019 : 1 Meditation time put in : 3h25 Speeches given : 1 Time infield : 30m Days without: smoking : 12 alcohol : 12 caffeine : 12 TV : 0 grains : 11 sugar : 0 dairy : 11 Porn and Peak orgasm : 25

I feel resistance and frustration building, because I've been choosing my morning routine over being on time for work. And because I've been feeling sleep deprived for the days now, and I don't like that feeling. Especially when I'm not allowed caffeine It's not an immediate problem at work, but I just like the idea of starting early better. That would be a good proof for me that my morning routine works and fits in my life. Also, I've been rushing my yoga and meditation times, not going as deep because I feel like I have to be somewhere else. This is untenable. So, I have to start getting up early. It's time, guys. The alarm will sound at 6:30 tomorrow. That time seems for now to be a nice balance between what I think is worth doing and what I think is possible at this moment. Number of women approached in 2019 : 1 Meditation time put in : 3h20 Speeches given : 1 Time infield : 30m Days without: smoking : 11 alcohol : 11 caffeine : 11 TV : 0 grains : 10 sugar : 0 dairy : 10 Porn and Peak orgasm : 24

Did not have to break my no-coffee streak! Chocolate and microdose held me over the entire day. And a good day it was. Lessons today: If you're staying over somewhere else, take extra care for planning how and when to do your morning routine, if you want to be consistent. I was so much in a rush that I meditated sloppily for only 10 minutes, and had to do the visualization and affirmation writing at work today. When initiating a group event or effort, you have to get rid of all people who are not motivated/bought in enough. They will bring the whole group down with their doubts. I have a history with not reading people's investment right, to find out later that I'm alone in something. Have to screen for investment. Number of women approached in 2019 : 1 Meditation time put in : 3h10 Speeches given : 1 Time infield : 30m Days without: smoking : 10 alcohol : 10 caffeine : 10 TV : 0 grains : 9 sugar : 0 dairy : 9 Porn and Peak orgasm : 23 That's right... I am not doing "NoFap". I touch myself whenever I want, because I'm a grown up. I just don't ejaculate, which makes me feel more energetic and powerful, amongst other benefits.

At Least I Meditated... Well, actually I shouldn't be too hard on myself, I have been doing my entire morning routine as planned still. Yesterday I opened up Netflix and binged some Punisher until 3am, so today I'm tired. I'm very tempted to break my no-coffee streak. I still might. For now, I feel pretty energetic still. Could be the microdose of truffles. We'll see what happens. Number of women approached in 2019 : 1 Meditation time put in : 3h Speeches given : 1 Time infield : 30m Days without: smoking : 9 alcohol : 9 caffeine : 9 TV : 0 grains : 8 sugar : 0 dairy : 8 Porn and Peak orgasm : 22

Thank you for your encouraging words, Alex! Good to know that someone read it and relates. Motivating, too.

I'm pretty pleased with myself. I went out and challenged myself to find a bar or club and spend at least 30 minutes there. That's it. I didn't have to talk to anyone yet. I could do anything or nothing, except leave until the 30 minutes were up. Now this became a trip because I happened to pick a bar with only 5 people in it, they all seemed to know each other and were dancing in a circle. I didn't approach the group. This made it immediately obvious that I was alone there. Standing by myself. Feeling creepy. One of the more scary things for me, because it reminds me of being a social paria in high school. I decided to confront it. With the urge to leave growing stronger, I started to dance. Good thing I had just watched Leo's video on body awareness, and how every emotion or repressed thought manifests as tension in your body. I start to dance. Feeling massively creepy now. I think I can feel everyone looking at me, the lonely weirdo. Why is he by himself? Doesn't he have friends? Is he a murderer or pervert? I want to look at my phone to look busy. I want to order a drink and stare at it. I want to run away. I keep dancing and tuning in to my body. Surprisingly, it becomes enjoyable! Because dancing IS enjoyable. If you're doing it for yourself. I'm alternating rapidly between being in tune with my environment and feeling my discomfort flow through me while I dance, and apologetically making weird faces and staring at random points in the room to avoid eye contact, even closing my eyes to run away. Anything to explain my behaviour away. I even consider trying to look drunk/stoned. 10 minutes left. I am nailing this challenge! I start to reframe it. Instead of a creepy loner, I imagine myself as an alpha guy who just felt like dancing and enjoying the music a bit, and doesn't need anyone's validation to be there. He's just there because that's where he wants to be. I become more secure in my solitary dancing, even greeting new people coming in with a smile. If I am comfortable, truly relaxed, people will feel that off me. I keep consciously making efforts to relax my belly and feel my body, whenever I get tense. It's working. The 30 minutes are up. I leave, completely relaxed, and walk to my bike. Completely relaxed. Now, I could scold myself for not talking to anyone. How is that going to help me pick up girls? Well it isn't, I need to do lots of approaching soon. But I accomplished some cool things: Dealt with some anxiety and mindfucks about being 'creepy' when not talking to anyone Practiced being comfortable in a club environment. As RSDMax says: Be as comfortable like the club is your living room Set the bar really really low for the next time. I am in this for the long run. Getting good will take years. So I need to build a habit of going out by myself, sober. I can't build this habit if I expect so much from myself that it becomes too daunting and I give up. Right now, victory is getting over my excuses and getting out the door. Maybe next time (tomorrow?) I will use another RSDMax quote: "The moment I said hi, I already won." Number of women approached in 2019 : 1 Meditation time put in : 2h30m Speeches given : 1 Time infield : 30m Days without: smoking : 7 alcohol : 7 caffeine : 7 TV : 0 grains : 6 sugar : 0 dairy : 6 Porn and Peak orgasm : 20

I did some shamanic breathing, which is often a nice reset when I'm overwhelmed by monkey mind. Had some insights: I can just ask people to hang out, if I feel like I need some social times. Not like that's forbidden. I want to go sauna again I want to go do another Tantra workshop soon I would feel better with a week plan, so I don't have to think so hard in the morning when I'm planning my day. My goal is to know how much time to spend on what this week, so scheduling is easy, and I can be more present in the moment without worrying whether I'm spending my time right. I actually would feel quite comfortable with a time-boxed goal like '12 hours of going out per week' (not sure if that's attainable). It would take the pressure off the time going out, so even if it's not going well and I'm in my head, I can still feel like I'm doing the work according to plan. I have some shame around the fact that I'm spending many days alone. I haven't fully accepted that I'm still figuring out how to live, what the right balance for me is. And that means moments of loneliness and confusion. I want to have NO SHAME about it. I spend many days alone. So what?!

Woke up anxious with a pit in my stomach. I was clenching myself, breathing shallow. And hungry. Intense monkey mind and panic and sadness. Was it the decaf coffee I drank? The unholy amount of sugary dried figs? Or am I simply lonely? How do I fix that? I am falling into and old trap again: filling my schedule to the brim with to-do items that have nothing to do with my purpose, forgetting about social things, seeing that as a 'waste of time' somehow, given the size of my to-do list. Yeah, no kidding I feel lonely. I'm prioritizing little meaningless tasks over people. What people? Well, the people trying to contact me for planning a trip with them, for example. It's not like I have no friends So I think my schedule should contain a task that is meaningful to me, and some time for social stuff. And if doing pickup is too scary for me, I can just go to the bar and talk to nobody and leave. That's an okay first step.

So after I came home from supply shopping (the one task off my schedule I completed) it was an hour later than I had planned. I lost motivation and just kept laying on the couch after dinner, watching JRE. I think two factors contributed to that: My schedule was too tight, shopping took 2 hours instead of 1. I must schedule even more time for things. When it's too tight and I lag behind, I lose motivation to follow the plan My schedule said "go out and do pickup" at the end. This is such a big scary thing for me, that I'm actually incentivized to ditch my schedule if following it until the end means I have to do such crazy shit. So... Until going out becomes less scary, I should maybe do it earlier in the day, like daygame, so I don't have it hanging over my head the entire day.

My self-critical mind is like my ex girlfriend. I can't do nothing right. I started eating right. I quit smoking. I quit drinking. I bought a shitload of healthy food. I went to the gym four times a week. You'd think it'd be pleased with me, but no. Now it's something else. I'm a pussy and a loser because I don't have the balls to be hitting on women all the time. And I ate too much dried fruit, was kind of sugar binging. I can't do nothing right...

I was planning on going out and doing pickup, so I got some background anxiety 5 hours ago, started laying on the couch watching JRE, and now I'm going to bed. Because I'm a pussy. I guess.

Why am I SO afraid to go out? I don't want to be confronted with how much I suck I don't want to feel like a weird creepy person without social skills I don't want to meet a cute girl, then shoot myself in the foot and later have that regret I'm afraid to find out that I'll never be any good at pickup I'm also just plain lazy and would rather get some sound sleep All these f**king excuses. But where does it end? How much time do I have to put in, to feel good about my progress? I have no one to do this together with. My close friends are all in serious relationship mode, buying houses, getting married. I thought I would meet people to go out with. Maybe in the future still. I used to believe that I just had some wild oats to sow. Now I've slept with at least 30 women in my life. That's nothing. It feels like nothing. And something tells me that it's going to feel the exact same when the number is 200. So what am I doing this for? Not to reach a certain high score. Pretty sure that in itself won't make me a better human. Or any different at all. My friend has banged at least 100 women. His life is not very together. He can't go to a bar and just talk to girls. I want the freedom to just be able to talk to any girl and have a reasonable chance of it going well. That's what I want. It's a part of expressing myself authentically. When you see an attractive person, the natural thing is to GO. Go meet them. Instead, many of us are conditioned to do the opposite, and shy away. And then we get weird around them. Is it just me? Gotta start loving the process... Number of women approached in 2019 : 1 Meditation time put in : 2h10m Days without smoking : 7 Speeches given : 1 Days without alcohol : 7 Days without coffee : 7 Days without grains, sugar and dairy: 6

I see my message hasn't quite 'landed' with you. That's alright. Maybe someday it will. Peace, brother!

You may not be aware of this, but it can easily rub people the wrong way when you imply that their problems are not that bad. Also you're giving a lot of unsolicited advice in one message, and in a not-so-humble way. We can easily overwhelm people in this way. I know, because I have fallen in the same trap many times. The struggle of overcoming a problem of this caliber required us to get so passionate, that we can't help but enthusiastically preach our hard-earned wisdom to others. A friend and co-worker, R, taught me this painful lesson awhile ago when he was talking about his anxiety to talk to his attractive neighbour. I personally have struggled and made an ass of myself for many years trying to get out of my comfort zone and learn to talk to strangers, so I was immediately in advice mode. I started pointing out his limiting beliefs, and sharing my lessons. Then he taught me the phrase: "Don't be a problem stealer". I was confused. I thought I was helping. Actually, I was projecting. Everyone's personality, life experience, inner world and situation are different. We all need to walk our own road to freedom. R taught me that day, that by unsolicitedly giving people solutions to their problems, you basically invalidate their personal struggle (that they have invested a lot of time in), implying it wasn't necessary because "look, just do this". Thereby making the other feel like an idiot. A long lasting struggle like that will become part of someone's identity, so if we try to just yank it away in one go, we expect the other to let go of a huge part of their ego, just because we told them to. I know I'm projecting here, as well. Just wanted to share this bit of wisdom because I really appreciated it when I got it. That said, I commend you for sharing what worked for you, and describing it in such detail, and in such an actionable way. The topic starter will probably have some valuable insights and tips, thanks to you! And I think it's a really good and important thing overall, what we do here. Sharing our hard-earned wisdom with each other so our path to freedom may be smoother!