My journal about so-called-diagnosed-with-ADHD

[non_nothing]

My past about ADHD is as follows:
- I always used to do something else (creative!) rather than focusing to the lecture on classes, i.e. drawing comics or imagining something else

- I had taken Ritalin and Concerta in the past where I had terms and in the situation where serious concentration is needed. After that I've completely abandoned using them. Sort of used those as "BOOSTERS".

 

Today I've went to psychiatrist once again, after 6 years last time for the boosters. I've described that I couldn't do functional work i.e can't concentrate on the work I have assigned to do (at job). I told him sometimes I can't even do basic math operations and so on. So he also saw my past about this and decided to give this pills again. So tomorrow will be my first day start using Concerta again.

 

In parallel, I will take advantage of its effects  such as loss of desire to eat. I will convert this to a regular fasting combined with healthy eating style that I've imagined. Currently I have bought  Chia seeds and omega-3 fish pills. I will start going gym again and combine it with a nightly meditation session where I've left it with.

I will try to keep this journal notified as I can. 

Edited February 19, 2019 by non_nothing

[non_nothing]

Zeroth day

I got access to my pills today in the afternoon. So that starting from tomorrow I will be taking those pills on daily basis. Because of its extended period of time of stimulating, I couldn't take those in the middle of day today.

 

Watched a couple of videos about ADHD

 

My plan is to take advantage of these pills. I had taken them before and I am experienced. These pills make you super concentrated and less likely follow on your ego, gives a kick in motivation and also makes you less want to eat. Also It will reduce your sex-drive. So all these combined I will have an optimal plan:

- Wake up at 5 am, pop one pill sleep and wake up at 6 am eventually the stimulant will have started working and show its effect.

- Usually I wake up around 7 am for my shuttle to job. But with the plan above, I will have 1 hour window to do some activities for myself in the morning. Which might be combined one or more of the following:
- Journaling (I will take this no matter what) at least 5 minutes minimum to maximum 10 minutes

- Morning meditations of 45 minutes

- Improved morning routine (might take showers in morning, self-care, etc)

- May perform a small little cardio workout

 

 Gradually by time, If I will wanted to, I will shift the plan by 1 hour to give myself a 2 hour in the morning, i.e wake up at 4 to pop pill then wake up at 5 am.

 

- I will do extended fasting, take control of my diet.

- I will continue on my strength training from where I have left,

- I will do NoFap because meanwhile I will have no sex-drive and urges. (funny thing is that I had not masturbated for more than 6 months while on these pills meanwhile I had never heard of nofap back in these days)

Edited February 20, 2019 by non_nothing

[non_nothing]

Day 1

Woke up at 5, pop pill, return to bed. Couldn't sleep. I was a bit of anxious and curious about what will happen today. I knew the pill will take effect in about 1 hour so after I wake up I would have its effects on. The time passed by thinking about it. Meanwhile my anxious thoughts have dropped one by one. I actually became more calm. I put myself into a meditative state, since it always helped me sleeping. But the next clock has rang and I woke up. I felt like I was missing a lot in life, felt like motivated and had focus. I accomplished my tiny parts of plan so far.

I will start a new journal first I need a journal, physical one. This time I use this post as journal.

I felt a bit regret being arrogant about giving this thread's title. Maybe I have a ADHD and I guess if It is so, It might be good with this pills for my liking. This is not that bad than I expected and actually I feel very motivated and have right now that something missing for a long time, I have no idea whether is it about the chemicals in the brains, receptors, neurotransmitters or whatever! But this works for me? I guess. And as always I feel that gratitude towards life. Now its time for my meditation session. Stay good!

[non_nothing]

Day 1 cont. afternoon

So far everything is going better than I expected. Today was the first day of the opening of the gym at work. Also the first gym day for me since for 4 months. I did my workout and increased my cardiovascular capacities. Shower felt great. Now I will continue to work.

[flowboy]

Followed. I used to have ADD so this is interesting and very relatable for me!

[non_nothing]

Day 1 before bed

After 12 hours, the pills effect has gone and I was hit by that brain fog and unmotivation again. It happened exactly after 12 hours which is how long the pill lasts. Maybe I am just tired of gym and work, who knows but wish I could end the day in the mood that was in 12 hour cycle. Its been 17 hours since i popped the pill while writing this. I hope I will have the motivation tomorrow to go the gym. I am afraid to slack off so easily tomorrow. I know these are thoughts but It is more tham that. When I put these feeling into the words then they become thoughts. If I dont do that, then I dont have thoughts but that does not eliminate the feeling unfortunately. I feel very scared and dark about being lonely. Being alone is something really different than feeling lonely. In my perspective feeling lonely is none to do with surrounding. It comes from inside. It has a mixture of thoughts that makes you worried, anxious and fearful against life, you cannot find anything meaninful and worthy of you. Somewhat fucked up feeling of that is. I hope someday magically this feeling will vanish from earth by leaving everybody. 1st day of nofap. Fasted for 21.5 hours. Ate goddamn arbys which made me feel like crap. Sigh. Tomorrow will be a better day.

 

[non_nothing]

End of day 2

 

Was exact same as yesterday, plus I did a meditation in the night instead of morning. At the morning I couldn't have motivation/desire to meditate this time because I slept very late and barely got 5 hours of sleep. Instead I pop the pill at 5 and slept to 6;30 or something, more than that wasn't possible because of the pill makes you awake. I was very motivated at work to do tasks. I feel somewhat satisfied for the tasks that I've completed and worked on. Thought after 12 hours, I get to the point where I feel below normal and unsatisfied with life. I have no idea how would I resolve this issue and feelings right now happening after 12 hours. They did not mysteriously appear when I started this treatment, in fact that's how I have been feeling  throughout all day all along without pills. 

The unsatisfaction with life have been a long issue for me, I guess since starting from highschool.

My appetites lessened. When I sit I don't want to eat big portions, I stick to smaller portions. (which I already knew by experience and was expecting that moment.) At least today I've stick with foods that I can choose as healthiest. When I got back home, I drank kefir along with chia seeds and popped my fish oils and multivitamin pill.

I am still unclear about whether to take off from pills when weekends. My doctor never said something such implicitly. But I don't want to build resistance towards these pills. In the past, I have never experienced any resistance built even for long time usage like 6 months. I'm unsure.

[non_nothing]

Weekend-two-days

Never took the pill. The first day was quite good overall. The second day was all around depression. Ended up eating shit food and had stomach issues. And

 

Monday

Took the pill, regret eating random shit on this day. That stomach pain was real. Asides that it cancelled out the motivation to neutral. Gone to gym which made everything a little bit better. I haven't been meditating since the weekend. Now after 12 hours, I drank filter coffee and right now I cannot sleep even last night I slept for 4 or 5 hours. And even now, If I sleep the same would happen, I would only get barely 6 hours from now on.

[non_nothing]

week summary

 

days been normal. pills make you like focused robot. the thing i had ovserved was that i become thoughtless. Is exactly like what you want to achieve during enliggtenment work. It is both good and bitter feeling. Nowadays I cannot find my desire any desire. No depression or the depression. I simply dont feel anything. Including i cannot find anything bad or worried about.

 

This led me to reconsider my LP in general. Everything seems to be another mouse wheel. Neither I want nor I dont want to do anything. I will talk this to my psychiatrist and will see what he will tell.