Roch

This probably applies to me.

I think I’m just starting to leave limbo. Not quite starting, but still fairly limbo-ish. I’m getting more into hobbies that require willpower and moving away from mindless internet use. I’m also doing more healthy things to relax like meditation or spending time outside.

I don’t care for MBTI. At least to describe me.

I don’t want enlightenment because it’s not normal. No examples of enlightened people seem normal to me. So what’s the point. I’m interested in personal development to move up to the level of normal and functional. Right now I feel below that.

When I picture myself as having a lot of achievements I picture myself being arrogant. I’m scared of coming across as arrogant. I realized I just don’t have a clear picture of someone who is humble, but has achieved a lot. What are they like? Can you post any examples?

I feel behind in life and I feel like shit about it. None of the things people say to cheer me or anyone else up about this make me feel any better. They actually make me feel worse. The only thing that helps with this feeling is to distract myself. Like go for a nice walk, listen to some music I enjoy or study some Hebrew. I’m studying alone and mostly secretly. I find it an embarrassing language to study. I wrote a whole bunch of shit about studying Hebrew, but I erased it. I bet no one here really cares. The point is, Hebrew is a huge distraction for me. I was supposed to be writing about how behind I feel in life 1. “Everyone goes at their own pace.” This makes me feel like I’ll be behind forever and it doesn’t do anything to address how shitty I feel about being behind. 2. “Everyone does things their own way.” Again it doesn’t help one bit. As someone labeled with autism this just makes me feel like an autistic failure. 3. “You’ll find your own niche.” Ugh. This makes me feel like such an autistic failure again. No one who’s successful or normal ever hears this. I just want to have a normal job and eventually be successful and well paid. Not have some idiots feel good about themselves for finding some “niche” for me.

I just want an in depth video on pity. Especially why it feels so bad to receive it or why pity happens.

Do you think spending time outside is a distraction or will genuinely improve my situation? I’m also wondering about the Hebrew stuff. I think studying Hebrew is a distraction, but it seems to give me more skills and motivation for life. Since I have a lot of junk thoughts I think some distractions would be healthy.

It seems like these thoughts about being behind in life always pop up when there’s general negativity going on. So oftentimes something annoying like the bus being late or not being left alone while shopping will bring up those thoughts. Those things have nothing to do with being behind in life except for being under the big umbrella of negativity. So it’s often not even seeing people ahead of me that makes me feel this way, just having an annoying day.

I am working on my circumstances, but I still feel like shit at times.

Not quite resonating with me. Another thing that bothers me is “Everyone has their own path.” So far my own path is not graduating high school and living with parents. Not liking where this is going. Doesn’t cheer me up one bit.

So I’m not entirely in a position where I’m able to help people. So at the moment helping people out isn’t a priority. I’m happy to help people when I can, but a lot of time helping people feels off. So I focus my energy on self-improvement. I seem to be getting good karma on self-improvement even though I’m not directly helping people. After I took a class on Buddhism I think I know why. My problems affect people around me negatively and in doing self-improvement I lessen those issues and make myself more pleasant to be around.

So I’ve been pretending to be humble. As a kid I couldn’t hide it. I was an annoying show-off, but at the same time I felt like I was terrible at so many things. Since being a show-off makes people criticize me a lot I’ve learnt to stop acting like a show-off. I still feel I have no real accomplishments. But if I did I bet I would be an annoying show-off. So I’m kind of scared of having accomplishments for that reason. Most of the time I’m good at pretending to be humble or at least not being a show off. But sometimes the mask slips. I get so embarrassed when it does.

On the other hand I also love to provoke people and say controversial things. I also do a lot of trolling to provoke responses. What I mean by trolling is getting attention with controversial posts or stupid jokes. Not harass people. I kind of tell stupid jokes to provoke people in real life as well. I just hate to brag in real life or even online because people love to try to push me down one peg. Most of the time I just push myself several pegs down before anyone else has the chance to. When people give me the attention I want I notice my attention seeking behaviors and social awkwardness get reduced. I’m starting to spend less time with my mom because I always feel like she shuts down everything I say. Like when I’m excited she’s hardly ever excited for me. I just feel so drained around her. She wants to spend more time with me, but it’s hard for me. Other people can be like that as well. I always feel like I need an hour or two to recover from being around her. I find I’m more monotone and annoying when I spend time with her.

I’m mainly avoiding criticism. I just can’t handle criticism. It sucks. I manage to avoid a lot of criticism by pretending to be humble.

Yeah. I feel I get a lot of criticism when I act less than super humble. I really hate criticism, so I take steps to avoid it. Fake humility is the easiest and most effective way to avoid the terrible criticism I get. Can you talk more about Borat and Ali G? I’ve akways been fascinated by that show. Yes. I had a fairly comfortable childhood, but I had little validation. All my mom really focused on was what was wrong with me and how to fix it. Never on my accomplishments, especially stuff I worked hard on. I remember doing some difficult rock climbing on the school grounds. When my classmate’s mom saw her rock climbing she cheered her on. When my mom saw me all she could focus on was that I was wearing the wrong shoes. This isn’t the only incident, but it illustrates how my childhood was.

I think AI will make art politics even worse.

Spirulina didn’t work for me either, lol.

CBD oil gave me body aches and just wasn’t helpful. Regular weed in small doses helped me relax. It gave me no body aches.

They bossed me around and didn’t respect me. They saw me as a pet or younger sibling instead of an equal. So now I have social anxiety. I get suspicious of anyone who is too “nice” to me.

Just curious if he has. If he hasn’t, where can I read an in-depth analysis of pity?

Sometimes I’m really happy with my social skills, but sometimes I act really awkward. I’m mainly worried about my body language and how it flows. Like sometimes I have a weird or monotone rambly way of talking, but sometimes my voice is nice and animated and like everyone else’s. I’ll end up being quick and snappy instead of boring and rambly. I find people who are too quiet and monotone make me act more awkward. I guess my goal is to be soft spoken and chill when I’m tired, but not weird sounding or rambly.

Since I’ve been labeled as disabled I’ve dealt with a lot of pity friends. I want to understand them better.

More like pity on other people. Like how people pity Africa or disabled people.

I think it’s made me selfish. Since I don’t think I have any true effect on anyone I think I behave in self-centered ways. I also don’t think I have anything of merit to offer people, so I’m not a very charitable or helpful person. One exception to this is children. I genuinely believe I can really hurt or impact children. So I’m careful to not hurt them and I’m happy to smile at them, play with them or maybe show them how to draw. I feel I have something to offer them and could truly make them feel happy if I buy them toys. But I don’t feel like I have the power to ever do that with anyone older, so I don’t even try. I think feeling a lack of agency also makes me ungrateful about things. Since I don’t feel like I live with my parents by choice I find plenty of things to complain about even though I objectively know I live in a nice house. I end up sounding like an ungrateful brat. I find I’m less likely to complain if I feel agency. I have plenty of things I could complain about with Hebrew. It sounded annoying to me at first a lot of Hebrew speakers still sound annoying to me. I also find it very overwhelming and confusing to study. The learning materials I use are also dry and often have voices I find annoying. But I actually want to learn Hebrew, so I can easily suck it up. Since the learning materials I use are free and convenient I can put up with them being dry or annoying. I’d never have this mental toughness for something I feel forced to do. Since I don’t want to lose the autonomy I feel over my Hebrew studies I choose not to tell my parents. Even though I know they’ll probably support me financially, I’ll feel like I’ll lose autonomy over it and therefore lose the discipline I have. I also get to feel rebellious even though I know there’s nothing rebellious about studying Hebrew.