Roch

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About Roch

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  1. Yeah. I feel I get a lot of criticism when I act less than super humble. I really hate criticism, so I take steps to avoid it. Fake humility is the easiest and most effective way to avoid the terrible criticism I get. Can you talk more about Borat and Ali G? I’ve akways been fascinated by that show. Yes. I had a fairly comfortable childhood, but I had little validation. All my mom really focused on was what was wrong with me and how to fix it. Never on my accomplishments, especially stuff I worked hard on. I remember doing some difficult rock climbing on the school grounds. When my classmate’s mom saw her rock climbing she cheered her on. When my mom saw me all she could focus on was that I was wearing the wrong shoes. This isn’t the only incident, but it illustrates how my childhood was.
  2. So I’ve been pretending to be humble. As a kid I couldn’t hide it. I was an annoying show-off, but at the same time I felt like I was terrible at so many things. Since being a show-off makes people criticize me a lot I’ve learnt to stop acting like a show-off. I still feel I have no real accomplishments. But if I did I bet I would be an annoying show-off. So I’m kind of scared of having accomplishments for that reason. Most of the time I’m good at pretending to be humble or at least not being a show off. But sometimes the mask slips. I get so embarrassed when it does.
  3. I think AI will make art politics even worse.
  4. Spirulina didn’t work for me either, lol.
  5. They bossed me around and didn’t respect me. They saw me as a pet or younger sibling instead of an equal. So now I have social anxiety. I get suspicious of anyone who is too “nice” to me.
  6. Sometimes I’m really happy with my social skills, but sometimes I act really awkward. I’m mainly worried about my body language and how it flows. Like sometimes I have a weird or monotone rambly way of talking, but sometimes my voice is nice and animated and like everyone else’s. I’ll end up being quick and snappy instead of boring and rambly. I find people who are too quiet and monotone make me act more awkward. I guess my goal is to be soft spoken and chill when I’m tired, but not weird sounding or rambly.
  7. Since I’ve been labeled as disabled I’ve dealt with a lot of pity friends. I want to understand them better.
  8. More like pity on other people. Like how people pity Africa or disabled people.
  9. Just curious if he has. If he hasn’t, where can I read an in-depth analysis of pity?
  10. CBD oil gave me body aches and just wasn’t helpful. Regular weed in small doses helped me relax. It gave me no body aches.
  11. I think it’s made me selfish. Since I don’t think I have any true effect on anyone I think I behave in self-centered ways. I also don’t think I have anything of merit to offer people, so I’m not a very charitable or helpful person. One exception to this is children. I genuinely believe I can really hurt or impact children. So I’m careful to not hurt them and I’m happy to smile at them, play with them or maybe show them how to draw. I feel I have something to offer them and could truly make them feel happy if I buy them toys. But I don’t feel like I have the power to ever do that with anyone older, so I don’t even try. I think feeling a lack of agency also makes me ungrateful about things. Since I don’t feel like I live with my parents by choice I find plenty of things to complain about even though I objectively know I live in a nice house. I end up sounding like an ungrateful brat. I find I’m less likely to complain if I feel agency. I have plenty of things I could complain about with Hebrew. It sounded annoying to me at first a lot of Hebrew speakers still sound annoying to me. I also find it very overwhelming and confusing to study. The learning materials I use are also dry and often have voices I find annoying. But I actually want to learn Hebrew, so I can easily suck it up. Since the learning materials I use are free and convenient I can put up with them being dry or annoying. I’d never have this mental toughness for something I feel forced to do. Since I don’t want to lose the autonomy I feel over my Hebrew studies I choose not to tell my parents. Even though I know they’ll probably support me financially, I’ll feel like I’ll lose autonomy over it and therefore lose the discipline I have. I also get to feel rebellious even though I know there’s nothing rebellious about studying Hebrew.
  12. So I can often temporarily change my energy, mood and personality. Unfortunately when I’m around parents that tends to make me bounce back. I just feel like they’re holding me back from ever changing and improving myself. I feel like I’m in a catch 22. I can’t change unless I leave my parents, but I can’t leave my parents unless I change. I have similar issues with making friends.
  13. I think I’ve been feeling extra autistic because I haven’t been meditating lately. I just can’t get into a good routine for it. I feel the autisticness as a tightness in my stomach, a block in my throat and difficulty with breathing. I just blocked and trapped inside like there’s a glass between me and the world.
  14. I was babied a lot due to my supposed autism. I was constantly corrected, especially when it came to social behavior. So if I told a joke people didn’t like they would tell me I’m being “socially inappropriate”. It would often be in front of a lot of people. My so called peers did that shit to me as well since people loved to blab about my label. So I constantly feel like I’ll make a wrong move any second. Even in non-social situations.
  15. What made you feel autistic in the first place? Unfortunately I associate authenticity with autism.