Benton

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About Benton

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  • Birthday May 11

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  1. Energy Transmission
    Transmissions for Enlightenment
    If you are energetically sensitive then here is a treasure trove.
     

  2. Can't Hurt Me Challenges
    Can't Hurt Me Challenges
    I would like to start by saying if you like what I'm doing here you should read/listen to the book. It's a great read from someone who has extreme mastery over his mind. A navy Seal, Army Ranger, and an Air force tactical air controller. He is believed, to be the only person to make it through all three of these trainings in military history. Even though it sounds to me like his main career path in the military was Navy Seals. If you have any concept over what the bootcamps for these things are like. then you know this guy is nuts already. Not to mention that as a child, he suffered a great deal of abuse from his father. Watching his Mom, and brother being beaten constantly. He says the number of times he was beaten is easily in the hundreds. He suffered a great deal of trauma from this, he was a constant bed wetter, had learning disabilities, and a host of emotional issues. And on top of all this, he was black! The time period he grew up in the U.S.A racism was still prevalent. He was called 'nig***' all throughout school and bullied for his race constantly. As he says: "I should have been a statistic." But he wasn't.
     
    Quote: "Heraclitus, a philosopher born in the Persian Empire back in the fifth century BC, had it right when he wrote about men on the battlefield. 'out of every hundred men,' he wrote, 'ten shouldn't even be there, eighty are just targets, nine are the real fighters, and we are lucky to have them, for they make the battle. Ah, but the one, one is a warrior...'
    From the time you take your first breath, you become eligible to die. You also become eligible to find your greatness and become the One Warrior. But it is up to you to equip yourself for the battle ahead. Only you can master your mind, which is what it takes to live a bold life filled with accomplishments most people consider beyond their capability."
    What do you think of this excerpt? I love it, it is in line with oneness. You are the hero, it is only you. No matter the role you play.
    The first challenge is to look through my life and at the things I feel limit me. Past traumas, limiting beliefs. Taking inventory of every good reason for why I shouldn't amount to a damn thing. And to use these reasons to fuel my ultimate success.
    The first one is easy for me. Bipolar disorder. If you have a mood disorder you may have some idea as to what this is like. You feel crippled, trapped within your own mind and emotions. Like no matter what you do, its wrong. Constantly defensive, thinking others who are honestly trying to help you are attacking you. Because you always expect the worst. I get it. I've been through this a good portion of my life. Keeping friends, a job, or any interest can be hard if your moods range from only sadness and despair. To anger and manic joy. True madness. That's how I could describe my bipolar while out of control. I had very good reasons for why I should stay closed off. For believing that I would never go anywhere because of the quality of my mind scape. 
    But I have it handled now. Its in the bag. My bipolar is my lover. It is something that I have learned to play off of. Its something that has allowed me to be unique and have experiences most people never have. And also, its allowed me to understand peoples suffering to a higher degree than most ever will. Because let me tell you. The suffering of a bipolar depressive episode is nothing like any pain most people have felt. If someone started cutting off my fingers, it wouldn't be able to add much to the degree of suffering I was in. Because that's all I felt. Suffering. Suffering, was my only experience in those states. Like not a single good thing was left in the world. Even the good felt bad. Its no wonder that bipolar has such high rates of suicide and attempted suicide. The amount of people who successfully commit suicide with bipolar is 20%. And the amount who attempt ranges between 20-60%. I am definitely part of this statistic. But I lived. And now I can say that I'm probably happier than 99% of the population. 
    I wish I could explain to others how this is possible. But the truth is that my means of achieving this are also means that 1% of the population would use. If you have a condition like this you will need to go above and beyond to figure yourself out. But if you do, you can live a life like no other.  So I actually just copied this next part from my other journal on here. Because its relevant. I asked myself when the first time I felt suicidal was. And it goes like this:
    "When was the first time I was suicidal? 
    I think it was in high school, I remember I was extremely confused on what was happening to me. I started having violent thoughts towards myself and others. I felt insane.
    I think that was the first time I experienced a bipolar episode. I think it was triggered by lsd. And my marijuana addiction I had. It had never been taken to a serious place back then. I guess I did cut myself back then. But never took serious action suicide wise.
    The first time I genuinely wanted to Jill myself was at boot camp. I want to boot camp for the u.s. navy. I didn’t know what else to do in life. But I remember my psyche toughened but also a latent  bipolar was triggered to a higher extreme. I had violent thoughts towards others then too. I have been very defensive towards other people in my life. I have been in quite a few fights, and suffered abuse from my peers at school often. I learned that beating the shit out of people would get them to leave me alone, once and for all. It was my survival tactic.
    I've always had a hard time fitting in. And made fun of a lot. Anyways at boot camp I felt that my life had purpose and that purpose was the navy. I was so proud of myself being on my way to become a sailor. But also I dreaded that I would get someone killed on duty. My rate (job) had a lot of responsibility tied to it and I would fuck up simple things often. I remember my last week there. I purposefully lowered my performance, so I would get kicked out. And I did.
    I felt so much shame. For so fucking long after that. I positively hated myself for a long time after that. I was so ashamed that I had to move back in with my parents. I immediately got a job so I could save money to move out. I didn’t want to inconvenience anyone.
    They didn’t care. They didn’t mind me staying but I didn’t see it that way. I was neurotic at the time. I started to turn to spirituality slightly I remember. I was in so much suffering constantly. I never felt good enough. And if I messed up the slightest thing I felt bad for a long time. I think boot camp installed a sense in me that I had to be perfect. Because I did there. It isn’t as easy as people think. My division had 100 people in it to begin with and on the last week 30 I was one of those 30.
    This never left me. This anxiety. At least for a long time. I’m better now I have recovered from most of this. Suicidal ideation occurs as a habit, but I generally don’t engage with it.
    I went on like this for a while. My family got to thinking I had bipolar, my dad has it and I displayed behaviors related to it a lot. I suffered so often that my mindset had become I either become enlightened or I kill myself.
    So we tried to set up a psychiatrist appointment to help me get diagnosed and get some medication. 
    The appointment was scheduled to such a distant time. It really wasn’t soon enough.
    I remember before I tried to kill myself. Before it my thoughts were: “I am in so much suffering. I love my friends and family, but it isn’t worth suffering this much for anyone.” If you have never had a bipolar depressive episode it’s not the same as normal depression. It’s next level. It’s essentially insanity. I had nothing within my experience that was positive to me. I had abandoned my caring so much that I could barely get out of bed. I walked out of my job.
    So I decided to kill my self. I swallowed around 100 tramadol pills. And very nearly succeeded. I remember when the paramedics were in my room asking me what I had taken. I refused to answer for a long time because I so desperately wanted to die.
    I remember the look in my families eyes. So I answered, they immediately started doing everything they could to keep me alive. Carting me away in a 15,000 dollar ambulance ride. At the hospital every time I fell asleep I would stop breathing. I almost got irreversible liver damage. But they had some sort of medication that reversed the opioid and the liver damage. I had no idea such a thing existed. I remember when the pills wore off I immediately wanted to die again. I wished I hadn’t told them what I had taken. I refused to eat. Eventually they told me I had to go to a psych ward. And I could either go willingly, or unwillingly and get something on my permanent record. So either way it was really unwilling but I consented.
    I already knew that my medical bills were getting stacked up higher than Everest. They made me take another 15,000 dollar ambulance ride to the psyche place. When I got there their was a girl with schizophrenia rocking in place mumbling to herself. The nurse was trying to get her to eat but she wouldn’t. I was strapped to a stretcher and could move.
    They released me had me sign some paper work. And I had to wait a while to see the psychiatrist. I was immediately diagnosed with bipolar when I told them that’s what I thought. And put on two anti psychotic medications. I found out later these medication cause brain damage but even so. I felt my first sane thoughts after taking them. I no longer felt absolute suffering.
    It was pretty terrible their I won’t lie. Lots of severely mentally ill people. I remember before the psychiatrist still looking for a way to kill myself. But they had the place wrapped up tight. 
    I got a very thin blanket a pillow that was essentially a pillow sheet and a bed wrapped in plastic. The nurses talked all night keeping me and everyone else up. They had a general disdain for us like it was our fault we where mentally ill. 
    I did get better there. I was on my best behavior so I could be released as soon as possible. I remember I made friends with a girl with psychosis and a guy who had an OD on heroine because he was an addict.
    All of us agreed that we where generally neglected at the place besides taking our medication.
    It really sucked. I felt so trapped in that place.
    I got released very early because of my good behavior. I pretended that their medication had completely cured me. 
    I was supposed to stay two weeks minimum but I was released in 5 days or so.
    I did feel a lot better because of the medication. And got myself on some better ones. I had a friend with psychosis and bipolar at the time who told me about how those same medications had damaged her brain.
    After a while I got a job. I worked the night shift in the freezer at a warehouse. This definitely was not a suitable job, but I still felt that shame. I thought I wasn’t successful enough for my families standards so I took the job for the extra money.
    Eventually I became so miserable with my sleep schedule and the work that I walked out of the job, went home and took a big dose of my medication with some magic mushrooms. 
    I wanted to die in a state of higher consciousness. My brother walked into my room because he saw I was home earlier in the night than usual. And asked me if I would still be alive in the morning. This attempt wasn’t as serious as the last I would say. My parents made me throw up my medication. I still tripped absolute balls that night. 
    It wasn’t a bad trip. I remember observing my thoughts create reality. I could see how me and everything where one. Not my first time in this sort of higher state. I have to say part of my issue was that I constantly pursued these states and would take massive doses to achieve them. I wanted to awaken so bad.
    I remember thinking to myself that I don’t need to use suicide as an excuse. To force myself into these states.
    My mental health was a bit better afterwards. But my next job doing construction made me suicidal too. Digging trenches 12 hours a day in the middle of a highway isn’t fulfilling work. I walked out of that job too. And wanted to either kilo myself or check myself into a psych ward and never leave. I didn’t see a pint in living a life where all I did was survive for others I felt.
    Eventually I got a job at little Caesar’s. My mental health improved immensely. I was surrounded by a bunch of friendly stoners and a very understanding manager.
    Its still one of the best jobs I had honestly.
    This job allowed me to focus on spirituality again. And I’ve already recounted what happens in that time frame. If their is a a person reading this my post turning into the dragon explains what happened to me in this time period.
    I got psychosis pretty bad for a while after that dragon trip.
    And I actually just realized recently why it happened. Even in the trip I was told I would get psychosis if I turned it down. I was just too afraid to die.
    This psychosis came because I never forgave myself for not choosing to go through with it. Not some God out there in the distance. Me.
    It took a long time for me to realize that my choice was perfectly fine. And that I had the freedom to do as I wished, I am reality.
    It’s been a while since then. I don’t experience psychosis or bipolar anymore. And I have finally awakened. And for the first time my life is truly perfect. Truly perfect. The struggle was worth it.
    I still get suicidal thoughts. But I think it’s because it became a habit within my mind. I am unwiring this now. They don’t affect me negatively they are just background noise that comes up sometimes. I would never kill myself at this point.
     I am truly happy now for the first time in my life. I reside in presence.
    I just wanted to understand where these habits started better to help me unpack and heal myself of them.
    I love and accept myself. I accept my experience and surrender to it. Everything is ok.
    I know this as an absolute now.
    I continue to build habits that benefit me. And fashion my life exactly as I wish. And into an embodiment of my love  for myself. Devi has been a life saver Sadhguru lead me to something very real with her. Everything is alright."
    I just wanted to touch on this its not really an issue for me anymore. But I wanted to let others know is possible to overcome. And my experience figuring it out.
    The thing I suppose that I would consider my most limiting factor today is: that I have a hard time with other people. Being bipolar, bisexual, and balls deep into spirituality doesn't help with that. But lately I have realized that these things are just secret excuses. They aren't concrete reasons for not being able to have intimate and meaningful relationships with others. I would be lying if I said I don't have some fear over relationships with other people. And this is definitely not something I have resolved in myself yet. Especially romantic involvement with others. I am actually clueless in this category. I am uncertain how I can find someone is is romantically compatible with me. And as i type i hear a voice in my head say: " stop making excuses for why I cant be romantically involved with someone! for a start. My differences with others don't have to be reasons for why I am not compatible." Ok interesting message. Definitely true I downloaded that. God damn:) This is what I mean by I used ways of resolving my issues that 1% of the population would use. All of my fear in this area just dissolved. Now its time for me to get out there! And really dig into this!
    I watched Leo's video "the root solution to people pleasing, and loneliness". It resonated with me deeply, because there are simply some things I will never be able to truly communicate that I have experienced. I sit with myself, and I just enjoy and appreciate the insights I have had with myself. It is so much more ecstatic than suffering over not being able to communicate it. It makes sense. I am love, and I am the only one. Nobody can appreciate what I have been through the way I can. Nobody can appreciate other people the way I can. I just feel so much love now, so much love.
    Bipolar suicide study:  https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6723289/