Consilience

Ive found full no fap to be a form of psychological repression which was turning into a shadow element of the mind. Moreover, I realized I didn’t need no fap to achieve my goals. Imagine how many successful people WERENT on no fap. It’s unnecessary and represses one’s sexual self and energy. Porn on the other hand is very unhealthy imo. Watching even without masturbation is damaging to the mind.

Thank you These kind of comments really help me stay motivated. Day 5 - Got out and shot some today. Updated my YouTube channel's cover art to a badass picture of a Mountain I took... At least I think it's badass haha. I previously had another picture on the channel, but one of the insights I had from my most recent mushroom trip was the previous background's "vibration" was out of alignment with the vision of the channel. Literally it just felt vibrationally "off" which to my sober self now sounds new age as Fuck, but I've learned to trust the wisdom of the mushrooms, in all their twistedness. A vision of a Mountain appeared mid trip, and so today's main objective was to manifest this reality, which was accomplished I also cleaned a lot which felt good. My living space has felt obese from clutter, most of the clutter isn't even mine, but thankfully we're making progress fam.

Day 4 - Didn't journal yesterday, but I honestly just didn't have much I felt like sharing Another day on the journey. I'll update for day 5 later tonight.

Introduction: This trip begin going over surface level (deep in their own way) psychological material, but quickly transitioned into a powerful awakening into the nature of Self-Love. The first phase of the trip was quite painful and fearful. It was like the mushrooms were surging all of my negativity and insecurities, making me acknowledge them all at once in a twisted incoherent kind of way. It was not pleasant at all. Set: To understand how to love myself, to understand Self-Love Setting: My House Themes that emerged: - Transcending Success and Failure - My Psychological Shadow - Meditation as a Sacred Space - Interconnected Metta - Infinite Self-Love Transcending Success and Failure One of the most powerful insecurities I have is that my work will never be acknowledged or really impactful for humanity. I fear that all of the hours I put into the pursuit of my life purpose is will result in nothing more than a failure on all accounts. I’m terrified of having to work a corporate job the rest of my life just to stay afloat barely paying off my student loans and affording the ever-rising cost of living. I recently went through a pretty big mental shift with making YouTube videos, and spent a metric fuckton of time on this new style of video, exploring my creativity, trying new things and really pouring my heart into its creation. Yet after posting the video, it barely got over 50 views, a complete failure as far as YouTube is concerned. But I learned something on this trip. Success and failure do not mean anything from the perspective of God. Every intention I create to love myself and those around me, every action I take that works towards raising the consciousness of humanity is playing a role. Even though I cannot always see, feel, or understand how the impact my presence and energy gives the world, my influence is there. Every action is completely interconnected with the whole. Every cause is an effect, every effect is a cause. My being where I am is completely dependent on the rest of the universe, and yet being where I am is why the universe is the way it is at all. I don’t really know how to describe this other than that the actions I take form casual chains which irreducibly connect with the rest of humanity and the entire universe. The most powerful way I can influence this world is with my mind, with the purity and honesty of my intention, which is to help the world become more consciousness, more loving, more aligned with Truth. It does not matter at all whether I am successful with my ultimate goals, whether my karma is the remain a wage slave for the rest of my life. What matters is that I travel within, and do everything in my power to spread compassion and kindness into those around me. The rest must be left to God and I have to work towards understanding that all is exactly as it is, no less, no more, pure absolute perfection. This insight is difficult to accept as a self because it goes against the desires for success, fame, happiness, security, the joy of working towards what you love. Sometimes life isn’t meant to be famous or impact for the world, but these scales of influence are only valid relative to the perspective of ego. From the perspective of God, the actions and intentions I set are what move the cosmos, not the magnitude of what one individual lifetime achieves. My Psychological Shadow As I mentioned, my intention was to explore what true absolute Self-Love was really all about. I realized that these aspects of my mind which are hedonistic, selfish, cruel, angry, attached to various outcomes are not something to be denied. To transcend these shadow elements of the mind isn’t to simply ignore and suppress the energy that exists. I’ve been journaling a lot about my journey to let go of my addiction to PMO and porn, and one of the insights I had on this trip was that I’ve been suppressing my sexual self by attempting this whole no fap thing. I saw how unhealthy it was to not honor that authentic biological element of the mind. As long as there exists an authentic desire to explore sexual energy, the suppression of masturbation and orgasm is just that – suppression. All this does is turns an element of the mind into a psychological shadow which will warp one’s relationship with orgasm, sex, and self-pleasure. Similarly, this can be said for all shadow elements of the mind. The way to transcend these elements is not through distraction, or willful suppression. Instead it’s through acceptance and love. This is extremely challenging to pull off, but for example, when you feel a surge of anger or anxiety arising it’s not your job to try and get rid of these feelings through will power. Your job is to honor these feelings as being valid and ok. This doesn't mean you need to act on them, as in the case of anger it can be quite destructive. Instead, it means you can feel them fully and send as much love to them as possible through a position of meta observation, recognizing you are the witness to these emotional states, not them in and of themselves. In the case of masturbation, I can honor this sexual energy. But see, when I’m perpetually ignoring and trying to rid myself of the energy, there is no transcendence. Quite frankly, I don’t need 90 day’s worth of accumulated sexual energy to work towards my goals. This is a misunderstanding of effort, focus, and achieving flow states. Perhaps some of the no fapstranauts need the 90 days, I definitely do not. It turned into suppression no different than if I had been suppressing anger, which I’ve done in the past. Overall this experience felt incredibly healing and loving towards my sexual self and health, as well as a more mature relationship with the shadow elements of my own mind. In the case of sex, porn is a problem for sure, but masturbation is an opportunity for self-connection and exploring one’s sexual energy. This can be done in a healthy or unhealthy way. In the case of other shadow elements, when I find myself angry or lazy, for example, sending myself love and awareness is not only the first step towards healing these dysfunctions, but is the foundation. If I am not sending myself love even in my moments of disappointment, I will be able to self-actualize. Meditation as a Sacred Space During the trip, I tried listening to music, but literally anything I listened to whether it was healing frequencies or really calm music was just irritating and anxiety inducing. I decided to just turn all music and sound off and sit in silence. I was just laying down on my floor staring up at the ceiling, completely present and in the now. I began meditating in a savasana position for what felt like hours. I was literally just staring up into the ceiling being the present moment. I realized that this state I’d entered into felt sacred. Not necessarily that it was special… Or particularly important… But the stillness, the presence, the silence all felt sacred somehow. The significance I give to the psychedelic state is the same significance I should give meditation. Both are deeply intertwined and while each produce different states of consciousness, both amplify the consciousness directly, producing a space of connectivity with the true Self. Essentially, I’ve been underestimating the importance and role meditation plays with the pursuit of enlightenment... I don’t know what else to say other than even when meditation is boring, makes you feel worse, and otherwise feels like a complete waste of time, it is not. It gives the mind the space needed to vomit up its excessive energy and be at peace with both itself and with the true Self. Moreover, I’ve since stopped trying to produce states in meditation. I felt a very powerful intuitive pull to continue using a simple do nothing/surrender approach. All striving and chasing for a particular meditative state is honestly useless. This state chasing is antithetical towards reaching a state of true inner peace, which is very twisty and paradoxical. For a long time I was pursuing the techniques outlined in The Mind Illuminated, which I do not regret at all and feel was huge contributor towards my mind’s development, but even this system has to be let go of. The states of boredom and suffering are working in the same way that these meditations induced bliss states are working. I think a concentration practice is good for beginners, but eventually this all needs to be let go of. At least for me it does. Overall, meditation is the path towards the Self and regarding it as anything less than is a misunderstanding of its sacred nature. Interconnected Metta This is where things got incredibly deep, heart wrenchingly deep. While I was staring into the ceiling, a mantra for a loving kindness meditation came into awareness, “May all beings be free from suffering. May all beings be free from ill will. May all beings be filled with loving kindness. May all beings be truly happy.” I finally understood the true power of these words. As the words spoke, I had visions of thousands and thousands of monks, yogis, enlightened masters from various times, perhaps across various realities beyond this particular Universe (this is what it “felt” like, an extremely cosmic state), who spent their lives pursuing liberation yet chose to stay behind to help the rest of the world awaken, those who took the path of the Bodhisattva, which is defined in Mahayana Buddhism as “a person who is able to reach nirvana but delays doing so out of compassion in order to save suffering beings.” I felt the sacrifice these types of beings created within themselves, the overwhelming compassion and love they possessed for all sentient beings. I was overcome with a heart crushing amount of humility as I metaphorically sat in the eyes of these beings, these true masters. Their intentions where so powerful, their hearts so full of love that this intention for all beings to reach nirvana (be free of suffering) carried into my life. In that moment, I realized that because these enlightened masters are none of other than myself, this intention was an intention I was setting and had already set for myself across life times. As I sit in the present moment, this intention for love and awakening rests inside of consciousness. Literally, this intention transcends their individual lives and ripples into the lives of all beings including mine. I’ve never felt more love in my life and the mind fuck was that it was love for myself, outside of myself, but from myself. The opportunity to pursue this work is a privilege and I honestly feel humbled at the degrees of love capable of consciousness and awakened beings. I feel embarrassed at how much compassion and love they have for me despite not being able to reciprocate in any meaningful degree. Moving forward I will be making the practice of metta a much higher priority. Sending this love towards strangers that I meet and have next to no interaction with, as well as those already in my life. Infinite Self-Love So in this moment of feeling a sense of separation with enlightened masters and myself, the duality collapsed into total oneness. I was pure love. Pure, empty, void, nothingness which I knew was none other than Self-Love. I was so loving that all forms of experience were permitted. My mind and heart reacted in such a way that might come across as feelings of bliss and human egoic love, but these were merely reactions to the metaphysical nature of what true Self-Love is all about which is a total and utter surrender to reality. On the one hand, I ask from the bottom of my heart “May all beings be free of suffering,” but on the other, I know that even this is a part of what it means to love myself. The paradox that I want nothing more than for the world to awaken, but that in its state of ignorance I love just as much. These trials and tribulations of suffering, the lives of those who have been tortured, raped, molested, are not wasted or a mistake. My own suffering is not a mistake. They are merely reflections of what it means to truly love myself in all its totality and to admit this truth is one of the hardest parts of the spiritual journey. I am crying right now as I write this, but there is no other way to sugar coat it. Self-love is the total infinite surrender of the mind in all its dissecting and attachment with the surrendering of the heart to infinite love for all manifestations of consciousness. There is only perfection, there is only you. I got up off my floor and went to my back deck to be with a tree. My body somehow was spontaneously able to enter into a full lotus without a meditation cushion and zero pain. I just sat with this infinite love for all things. In that moment there was nothing else to pursue or discover, only oneness, only consciousness, only love. I sat with myself staring into the yard, the sun was setting and shining on my face, streaming off the surrounding nature. I remember being absorbed in the silence, listening to the wind blow and grass rustle as they gently whispered, reminding, “This life is just a beat in the heart of God.”

Thank you everyone

This for sure. Let the work speak for itself through your actions, through your presence. Doing your own inner work and allowing your family to be is all you can do to change them.

Day 3 - I didn't finish journaling about the trip yet. Today was "good," there was a nice after glow in the morning. However, as the day progressed I began kind of getting depressed. My mind and senses just felt a little burned after such an intense trip yesterday. Sometimes this happens, but I'm usually good the next day. 0 urges to masturbate or watch porn. Literally feel 0 negative effects from the masturbation too. I'm just gonna keep it to no more than 1x per week and go from there. I plan on writing up a lot of the details of this dynamic in my trip report.

@Zigzag Idiot Thank you Yeh I think I may have over done it. I'll just kind of let the dust settle... We've been friends for close to 2 years so I'm just hoping I didn't Fuck it up too badly. She's been kind of cold recently so probably came across as quite needy. Oh well. But yes I don't feel as nearly as divided about my sexual energy... It feels really liberating.

Nightly intentions: Morning yoga 1 hour of meditation Write trip report Workout Clean Trek out to get a shot for my YouTube cover art

Day 2 - It was a fucking day. I jerked off, tripped on 3g of mushrooms, woke up to infinite self love, healed my relationship with masturbation, tried to call a girl I sent a dirty text to which long story short ended up probably coming across as misogynistic, I tried to call said girl, but realized I was still tripping in the middle of leaving a voicemail, and then spent an hour trying to write a text message to "fix'" the situation. A train wreck on all accounts. Moral of the story - Mushrooms man...

Day 1 - Had that "date" with the girl. It went extremely well. I could tell she was having a lot of fun and so was I, probably the most relaxed, humorous, joyful day I've had all summer. In terms of building attraction, I could tell I was doing everything correctly. We went on a hike and I was leading 95% of the time, I was asking the majority of the questions, she was talking probably around 70% of the time which is great. And in terms of asking questions, I wasn't just asking bland questions either, I was creating emotional investment on her end by getting her to open up and dig deeper beyond the surface level. My body was extremely loose and relaxed the whole time, my shoulders were dropped rather than tensed up, my chest was facing out rather than all scrunched up like I'm texting, my mind felt at complete ease the whole time. Even when there were dips in the conversation, rather than trying to fill them in with useless chatter, I just let the silence flow and so did she. It was great. We went hiking, chilled on the beach, and just literally talked and laughed the whole time. Not sure how things will play out with her long term, but I know today was really great. In terms of how I was coming across, the energy I was giving her, I do not think this type of "vibe" is conditional. In other words, I truly feel like I can move myself energetically to embody these characteristics regardless of the state I'm in. A mind over matter kind of thing. I think the no porn and general lack of masturbation has helped, but I'm just not sold on the idea that I have to abstain from ejaculation to attract women. In fact, every woman I've ever attracted in my life has been while I'm actively partaking in pmo. When I met this girl way back at the beginning of the year I was in this addiction cycle and still managed to do it. Just some thoughts.

Day 0 - P Today was a very shitty day. I was off from work which would normally be great, but from the moment I woke up I just felt horrible. No motivation for anything at all. It felt like all of my energy was literally stuck in my balls. My body felt heavy, lethargic, my mind was foggy and totally lost in thought. I didn't meditate today either. The reason it's day 0 is not because of relapsing on pmo, but because I ended up watching porn. What's kind of freaky about the situation though is that today was also a really bad day for my health. My blood sugar was swinging from high to low to high to low all day long. Around 3pm I got the most intense sexual craving I'd received while doing this whole thing. My mind felt totally out of control, and my awareness was so so so dull. So I ended up watching the porn. However, somehow I kept myself from masturbating. Then about an hour later I went and checked my blood sugar and it was 3.5 times higher than it should have been. I'm not trying to make excuses for myself. I'm really not. But when my blood sugar gets that high, it starts to really affect my mind. My emotions become really unpredictable. My mind becomes dull. My awareness gets dampened to the point where I'm unaware of the fact that there's even been a significant drop in awareness until I go and check my blood sugar. After I gave myself insulin, my mood started returning to normal, and my motivation and drive to do things productive returned. Unfortunately I went through another round of high and low this evening. It was a day. Fucking full moon energy I guess. Anyways, today was an interesting day because of the relapse. Leo's blog post about health is really fucking significant man. Good health is quite literally the foundation for consciousness work. I wonder if it's even possible to become enlightened without a properly working, healthy body/mind system. It really frustrates me that my personality, mood, emotions, motivation, mind, concentration, awareness can be so affected by my health situation. It makes me feel weak like I'm somehow making excuses for myself, but then I feel the difference of high blood sugar vs. when the insulin is kicking in and the difference is dramatic. In terms of this whole 90 day thing I'm not even sure how I feel. I'm honestly tired of becoming dysfunctionally horny. Without a doubt there is no purpose for porn in my life. It needs to go 100%. Just like I would never start doing heroine, there's no need for porn. Masturbation on the other hand... It just feels like I'm repressing my sexuality in all honesty. Yes some of the benefits are great, but some of the increases in energy are not actually that helpful, they just make me feel aggressive and unbalanced, especially when strong sexual urges come. It also feels like these state changes we feel from no fap are possible to generate without the need to do hardmode. I'm not sure yet though. I'm just gonna let this one sit and contemplate on it more. Either way I will keep going on the 90 days no pmo/porn and to be determined with regular porn free masturbation.

Day 30 - Saw a girl on a hike today and thought, "I'd fuck the shit out of her." Which pretty sums up what day 30 feels like. Scheduled a hiking date with a girl. Note gentlemen, unless you are already regularly having sex, a hike isn't the best date idea. The logistics for sex are horrible; sex is the most important component of a relationship to gauge whether you're moving into friend zone territory. However given that it's the time of COVID, I really don't care about dating/relationships/seduction right now. Still ready to start doing serious cold approaches once things are "normal" again.

Day 29- I didn't finish reading the book, in fact I didn't read at all, nor did I complete the life purpose work I'd set for myself. However, I did end up spending probably around 6 hours today working on recording broll, changing my profile picture, and channel art background. It's amazing how many failed attempts I went through before finding the design. Even though it wasn't related to video production, it was just as important, more important even. This is 100% an unhealthy behavior to indulge in, but I ended up smoking a joint just to slow down how much I was pushing myself with work towards the end of the night. Yet, what was so amazing is that when I returned to my computer in the altered state I came up with the final piece to my channel art that I'd been working on. Everything literally just clicked and it's exactly where it needs to be. Today was one of them most creative days I've had in my life, which brings me to the topic of this journey. I don't know if it's a function of the no fap/no porn, but I've been consistently hitting levels of work ethic I've not expressed in a very long time. It's like I'm tapping into a source of my being which feels energetically aligned with this purpose. I think there are two reasons for this: 1) Because I finally feel confident in the types of videos I want to make and how I'm creatively distinguishing myself from the loads of other spirituality based channels out there, I think it's easier to have a powerful vision of where I'm heading with the channel. Having this level of visioning really helps with pushing myself. 2) I think there truly is something to this semen retention technique. Even though its caused a good bit of suffering, it's also correlated with massive increases in energy bouts, focus, and work ethic. - The last thing I wanted to mention. The other part of my YouTube channel that changed today was the name. I changed it from a brand name I'd come up with about a year ago, to now just being my personal name. Well the name my parents gave "me" ;P When I finally was at the screen to make the change, energy in my heart swelled up and I cried, a lot. There was so much I learned from the first channel, and I will carry those lessons with me to death. Yet it was truly time to begin a new.

Day 28 - Didn't journal last night unfortunately. I was working on a lot and it just got so late. There weren't really any highlights work mentioning. Just another day. Daily intentions: Hatha yoga (boho beautiful channel on YT) 1 hour of meditation Post video on YouTube to publish tomorrow Create outline for next video Do more keyword research for future videos Finish The War of Art (GREAT book btw) Workout Get a 'date' with a girl I've been talking with on and off this year (not a real date as we'll still have to social distance, but we've been tentatively talking and making plans for hiking when she'll be back in the city I live in. She's really cool. Not the girl I mentioned previously though) Just finished Leo's blog post on the concept of requisite variety. Extremely powerful and empowering concept. I realized I'd been unknowingly applying this concept to how I make videos... But I can start applying this meta skill of creativity to literally ALL of my problems in life. I think one thing I've learned is that creativity is truly limitless and to solve one's issues in life, it will require a massive amount of creativity. The amount of creative solutions a mind can create is infinite even when we feel contracted and limited in a moment. For example, I remember stressing out about what to make my next video on, but after spending about 2 hours or so last night researching keywords and determining whether ranking for those SEO choices would be authentic to what I'm REALLY wanting to talk about, I found a great combination of words that is both competitive in terms of SEO, but also authentic in that it honestly represents what I want to talk about. The point is, I had enough requisite variety to find the right combinations of words in addition to having enough requisite variety to find a way of making more creative and engaging videos. Other domains I need to apply requisite variety to in my life: Dating, attraction, seduction, interactions with the opposite sex My financial situation/escaping wage slavery My living situation Being more creative with life purpose goals My own inner psychology of personal development/habit formation Time management My health and wellness/Energy problems

Day 27 - Today was better. More energy, less resistance. I went downtown and took some shots with the camera, felt good. I smoked a joint which was honestly very relaxing and stabilizing. Taking long gaps between smoking definitely makes the experience feel more healing and less draining. In terms of PMO updates let me list the changes I've observed in my direct experience: Body feels energetically polarized. It feels like there is energy running throughout my body from the sacral chakra. I feel more aggression Noticeable more energy levels Higher work ethic I hit flow states much more quickly Very horny. Random women incredibly more attractive I have resistance looking people in the eye for longer I'm noticing more random women look at me Need slightly less sleep Negatives: Miserably horny sometimes Weird sex dreams Sometimes I've felt like flow states have turned into overworking Mind activity has increased during meditation Other positive habits are more difficult to follow Dick feels hyper sensitive. Not sure how I'm supposed to have sex on no fap and last

Currently on day 27 of no fap, or somewhere around there. Yeah the energy increases I've received are fucking absurd. I've actually spent this last week over working on my Life Purpose to the point where I sacrificed sleep and other healthy behaviors just so I could work longer. It felt manic. I'm not really sure if no fap is the healthiest thing long term, it feels unbalanced. I think a balanced release schedule like once every week or two would be ideal. Still not sure. Porn on the other hand.... Yeah that shit is just poison for the mind.

Day 26 - It feels like I'm really starting to enter the trenches... I woke up today very tired and unmotivated to do anything. I started talking yesterday about how the no fap feels like its helping with my chronic fatigue and today felt like one of the worst days of CFS I've had in awhile lol. I'm not sure if after the 90 days I'll continue the no fap... It feels like the sexual release could be a centering technique, healthy if done in the appropriate way. I'm really not sure though. I think after the 90 days I will have more clarity, I still feel like this could easily be addiction brain talking. 26 days of abstinence after 12 years of pmo is hardly healed or in a position to honestly evaluate what's healthiest. Tbqh it's really annoying being so horny, but somehow I can subtly tell that there is a deep healing process taking place. I will continue to not underestimate this addiction. Just as I can tell healing is taking place, I can also feel the grip of this addiction on the mind. On a more positive note, it's really cool that every day forward from here on out is a personal record.

1) I'd intellectually realize that all of those things are impermanent. Life will take them away from you sooner or later, well before you die. 2) Start getting comfortable with just being. Start practicing some sort of do nothing practice where you are just silently being. The more at peace you can be with being alone, the easier detachment will become. Find the happiness, joy, beauty, and fulfillment with doing nothing at all, and you've hacked life. 3) Just be patient. I've had days where I feel totally in bliss and completely willing to accept anything life has to give, and then I've had days where I'm totally caught in my ego stories, craving and desiring things that are completely out of my control. Attachment takes time to let go of, this is because of the self survival mechanism that keeps you alive. Don't underestimate its power. I'm sure other people on this forum can give helpful advice. This was just sort of off the top of my head, I hope it helps

Mushrooms are much cheaper and fully organic I know psychedelics aren’t for everyone though, but I consider them to have extraordinary spiritual guidance if that’s what you feel you need, may be worth considering. Great to hear it went well though. Im interested to hear about future updates!

Day 25 - Another solid day. My energy levels have been skyrocketing lately... Unfortunately the sexual energy is as well. As someone who experiences chronic fatigue like symptoms quite frequently, having this level of energy is an amazing feeling, however having really strong sexual urges is difficult to transmute. I updated my YouTube's channel art and am quite satisfied with it. I plan on releasing the latest video on Sunday. Regardless of whether it does well or not, whether Lady Algorithm likes it or not, I know I poured my heart into this one, and I know its quality captures everything I've been trying to accomplish with videos. I consider it a new beginning to my video creation journey and as such, I view it as a new baseline. I will only continue to improve. Maybe the next video I make won't be as good or successful, but in a year's time I will have a linear line of progress, I will improve, I will grow. Regardless of whether this video does well, I know it's captured the vision of my Life Purpose more than any other video I've ever made, and for that I have nothing but self-reverence.

Day 24 - Oof... I keep over doing it... I worked another 4 hours on life purpose. My latest video is nearly complete. Hands down one of the best video I've ever done. When I look back to the first video I ever posted on YouTube and compare it to what I'm about to release, the contrast is shocking. Utterly shocking that I could have made a difference in quality to such a degree. I'm not trying to make it sound better than it really is, but it is living proof that the path to mastery and the potential for improvement is infinite. I'm excited to see what kinds of videos I will be producing in another year. It feels like the urge to finish this, to exert creative energy is becoming obsessive. I ended up not meditating at all today, which is ironic considering my video is on meditation. It kind of feels like I need to masturbate just to purge the creative energy. Or maybe like smoke a joint and dull the mind's energy, I'm not sure. In all honesty it felt manic which isn't good. Tomorrow I really need to take a break and just let things settle down. The way I've been working on this is unhealthy and completely out of balance. I believe this must be a side effect of the no fap/no pmo because usually I do not have the energy to work like this. One thing I do know though, for subsequent videos I'm going to have to find a way to be more efficient. Over the last month I've spent probably 40 hours contemplating, writing, shooting, editing, and filming for this thing and it's only 14 minutes long lmao. Unfortunately, YouTube requires more frequent content than 40 hours/month/video can yield. Overall though I've learned A LOT and effectiveness/efficiency and balance will be my next phase of focus as I continue on this journey.

Day 23 - This is yesterday's entry. I got home at 12:30am and went straight to bed. I got home very late last night after a 4 hour shooting session at the beach. I drove out on a beautiful sunny day and spent the entire time shooting b roll, taking photos, and trying to practice with my camera. It's amazing how much footage I got that isn't necessarily usable because it just isn't the quality I'm after. This new approach to making videos is extremely gratifying though, being able to explore a whole other dimension of skill and mastery I didn't even know I enjoyed so much until my latest LSD trip. However something I'm noticing which I think is a side effect of the no fap - I believe I have an excessive amount of creative energy which I guess is good, but partially bad. When I start working on life purpose work and overcome the initial activation energy required to beat "resistance" (read Steven Pressfield's, The War of Art) I've had a tendency to fly off the handle in almost manic work modes. I can spend hours just working without really noticing the time. Absolute flow mode. And while it's an amazing feeling to be in the zone like that, and while it's also giving me confidence that I'm on the right path in terms of my life purpose, I've noticed I have trouble over doing it. When my mind gets into these creative, creating mode it's like all the energy I'm not releasing through PMO gets released into whatever I'm doing. The down side is, I haven't really figured out how to not over exert myself. It felt like I went a little overboard this weekend. I'll be updating tonight's entry later this evening.

Day 22 - Worked like a mad man on my video. By far the highest quality video I've ever made. I synthesized cinematography into the creation which feels so amazing. My zone of genius 100% communication, but I also have a talent for photography, which I leveraged for this particular video through cinematography. I will be applying and expanding on this technique more and more as I continue creating video content, as well as improving my verbal communication abilities. Today was also significant because this is where I relapsed on my previous streak. No urges though. All of my excess energy went towards accomplishing those intentions. Tomorrow will also be a significant day. I'm not sure what I will be manifesting, but it will be powerful.

Day 21 - My coworkers and I had a backyard social distancing gathering this evening. Two of my coworkers have wives. In all honesty, these women aren't really the type I would consider having sex with or dating. Partially they are much older than I am, and also partially I think I can find a more attractive female partners. On the other hand, tonight I found them to be more attractive than I ever before (we've previously met). It was like I could feel their feminine energy when we locked eyes, as I listened to them speak, their mannerism, the little details of their behavior. I felt so incredibly open to their femininity that despite them not really being my type, they were beautiful. So beautiful. I could just be with their essence as women and I understood what my coworkers found so attractive about them. Porn seriously disrupts my ability to see the beauty of women on a very deep, even spiritual level. I find I am able to connect with them more, hold eye contact for longer, be calmer around them, and ultimately, create an open space between my masculine core and their feminine core more effectively when my brain isn't fried from porn and pmo exposure. As odd as it sounds, it was a very healing experience being able to connect with women I don't even want to have sex with, yet feel their sexual essence and find the physical beauty in their being. Tomorrow's intentions: Hand write these intentions down after waking Meditate 1 hour Hatha Yoga Cold shower Workout Book airbnb for solo meditation retreat Create an account on Sofi to investigate refinancing student loans Email manager Call pharmacy about prescription problem Eat 180g of protein Record Video (life purpose) Thank you so much! Man it really does feel that way. Your support means a lot. Btw, your post about conflating a feeling state (tiredness) with a particular outcome (I need to rest and not do life purpose work) and how really all of experience is one big placebo effect, that what we feel and how we interpret those feelings which translates into behavior was an extremely powerful perspective. I'm really gonna sit with that one.