Meditationdude

6 months ago I left my home, business and everything I’ve ever known and loved to pursue my dream and purpose. After about a month my motivation and confidence started to decline and things started getting really bad. I was alone (literally - I lived in my van) for months, I old patterns of anxiety started to creep back in. Fast forward 4 months to present time and things have gotten significantly worse. I haven’t gotten a single client or made a single dollar off of my life purpose. I am completely out of money - at 36 yes old I am broke, no savings, nothing! All of my mental Illnesses are coming back full force! I have regressed to who I was 10 years ago, panicked, depressed and hopeless. I thought I did everything right - I did the work, I had the courage, I made the leap of faith - only to fall flat on my face! No one who knows me understands me or my purpose. Everyone wants me to give up, grow up and get a normal job and stop chasing dreams. My gf doesn’t trust me any longer bc I’m not confident in my pursuits any more. I’m stuck! And I mean like for real stuck! I can’t move; I sit inside all day thinking up ways to move forward and then dont take action. I feel too fucked up and depressed to do anything. I don’t have a home or know where I will stay but that’s not even enough motivation to get a job. I have a college education and am capable I’d rather die in the street than go backwards. I blow up over the smallest shit - my gf probably hates me at this point. I used to be so chill and now I’m a nervous wreck! I am mad at the world, my mentors, every self help author and my self. “Just surrender and accept bro” Go fuck yourself! I never should have started self actualizing or following my “path.” It’s way to difficult! Worst of all there’s no turning back - I’m stuck watching my depression and anxiety with full awareness. Stuck watching the disgusting world . And if you think that’s all it takes to release you of them then you’re just as stupid as I am. As someone who’s been at this work for over 7 years and tried to do the right thing - don’t! Do what everyone else is doing! Trust me you will be happier. The little moments of bliss are bullshit! They will disappear faster than our democracy is about to. The advice gurus and experts give you are WRONG! They got lucky as fuck or are trying to make a buck. I truly so hate this world and the people in it. I didn’t always but I do now. Not bc of my own situation but because I can see with eyes wide open. It’s discussing- I can’t wait for it to be over

Hold up, @Phil King I want to change my answer now that I am feeling a bit better. What I 'should' have said but couldn't see at the time was that; First and foremost, any practitioner worth a fuck would have noticed the obvious signs of an ego backlash occurring. But you, instead of noticing, and over all other options, chose to take action and lead with negativity. That paints the loveliest portrait of your character, maturity and emotional impulse control - well done. See, if roles were reversed – you were me, hurting. I was you, browsing A.org bored with nothing better to do with my life; or actually I do, I just take the easy route in life any chance I get so I distract myself from my own pain by helping to solves the source of others. At least thats what I tell myself. In reality I'm here to feel good – to feel self righteous, intelligent and better than. But shh, don't tell @Leo Gura If roles were reversed – when I am feeling ok I chose kindness, empathy, and do whatever I can to help others. To recap; You = dick face who kicks people when they are down Me = picks people up So yeah, there's one reason why I'm qualified to be a coach – here are 10 more 1. I used to eat 10-20 Vicodin a day – for years. Now I don't. I haven't touched opiates in over a decade and I never went to rehab or received help of any kind. 2. I use to be 50lbs overweight my entire youth into early adulthood. Now and for the last 8 years I have maintained being ripped, strong, and flexible. 3. I don't drink alcohol, eat fast food or anything like that. Because I don't poison myself anymore 4. I have over 3,000 hours of meditation, have done multiple month long solo retreats, and one 3 1/2 month solo retreat. A few awakenings and peak experiences. 5. I put my family back together – My estranged brother of 8 years and parents. I orchestrated and did all the difficult emotional work to make it happen; and it worked. I'm a youngest in the family. I did that! 6. I have extremely high levels of integrity – to a fault I hear 7. I have already been coaching people for over 6 years, just in a different role (personal trainer) 8. I escaped corporate America and achieved financial independence (once) – I can and will do it again. I have also been self employed 8 years. 9. I have the respect of my partner, family, friends and acquaintances. Even the ones who don't like or agree with me. I am the first person people in my circle come to for help, support or life advice. Friends, uncles, even my older brother. From all walks of life; doctors, lawyers, CEOs and entrepreneurs. 10. I am actually going for it. Everyone else talks, no one takes action. But not me, I take action. I am going through the fear, pain and suffering of doing whatever it takes. I am taking a shot at my dream. I like my resume! But it doesn't even matter if I 'make it' doing coaching or whatever. I will be ok regardless because I will make it eventually – that's just the type of person I am. And don't think I don't appreciate your comments; I do. I am grateful. Grateful that now, when I am feeling down, I can remind myself that at least I am not you. Miserable fuck!

@Phil King did you just quote the unabomber? Ty for reminding me why I should have never come to this forum for help. Fucking prick

@Phil King nothing - nothing does. I’m a loser bro

@Danioover9000 what if the reason I’m failing isn’t something I can overcome? I’m 36 and still struggling. I’ve tried it all; medication, therapy, solo retreats, cleaning up my diet, exercise, I don’t drink, smoke or party, I don’t have social media or watch TV. All I do is work on myself, and it doesn’t matter. It’s doesn’t work. I did everything right and nothing is happening. Do I feel sorry for myself? Fuck yes I do! How would you feel if you spent the last decade doing intense work on yourself to find out it made you feel worse? How would you feel if you deliberately went against the status quo to pursue something you felt was going to benefit yourself and mankind - to find out it was bullshit, a waste of time? My life hasn’t even started yet. Since I was in my early teens I was a drug addict (Thanks Mom), then once I got sober-ish I discovered many mental illnesses. Most I cannot overcome. So I’ve been dealing with those. I get so overwhelmed that I can’t/wont do most things. I can’t have children or do anything with large amounts of responsibility- I can’t handle it. I won’t marry my gf bc the thought of a wedding is so overwhelming I’d rather die alone. Buying a house is a joke! I can’t handle the stress’s of owning a home, no way! I honestly just want to be left alone

@universe of course my LP is just like everyone else’s who tries to self actualize - life coaching/mentoring. Just typing and saying that in my mind feels like a joke! Why do we all think we are so intelligent and after some progress want to “uplift the world.” It’s a cosmic troll - another way life will let you down and crush your soul. Yeah others can make it as a coach or mentor and I can’t. I cannot get anything done. It’s not that I’m not seeing reality clearly enough - I’m frozen! I try but nothing happens. I sit to write a blog or work on finding clients and I end up down some other rabbit hole. Rinse and repeat day after day living in a sea of stress, disappointment and depression. I have no doubt I’d be incredible at this job and in this work but I struggle big time with building a business. I despise being on my computer doing “work.” All I want to do is coach and talk to people but all I’ve done the past 6 months is busy work, administrative garbage and all the shit I hate. I even started writing! I fucking hate writing! The entire time I’m putting together blogs I am in hell! It takes way too long and nobody even reads them. Same with filming YT videos. It takes forever and it’s just not worth it. I am not interesting or fun or willing to be fake. I’m not going to play the game, period. Spirituality is not sexy or cool or fun - Nobody gives a shit! I am spinning my wheels trying to make something of myself just to end up broke again. I left behind my entire life for this - started over and fell flat on my face! Im embarrassed, ashamed and disappointed in myself. Im guilty of taking money from loved ones and wasting it on a fantasy - a failure. Getting to the point where I was able to even try this was unbearable. Closing my business, leaving my friends, family, support, everything I knew. Building my van, planning everything, selling all my belongings or moving it to storage - all for nothing! Literally over 100k spent - for what? More depression and anxiety and failure. I’ve never been more embarrassed. Everyone was right, this isn’t possible - I’m a fucking idiot! Another spiritual loser! What’s the point? To continue to move even further away from my family and friends? To continue “surrendering” myself so I can maybe be one of the luckiest .000000001% of people who awaken? Then what? No one will resonate with you, and you can’t resonate without anyone. So yeah, let’s spend two decades transforming yourself to just end up alone. I think I’m better off joining in on the insanity than this route. At least I will be somewhat happy instead of whatever the fuck this shit is. All I want to do is help other people but I can’t. Im too fucked up to follow my purpose and too invested to quit. So fuck you reality, suck all of my balls! I give up - for real. I’m going to embrace homelessness. I’m going to snowboard everyday and live in the parking lot. In the summer I’ll surf and live in a parking lot. I’m going to just be a bum. That’s all there is for me anyway, so I must embrace. I will give nothing and only take - just like everyone else. When I give, all I receive is pain. Maybe if I take I will be accepted and happy-ish like the rest of the world. Anything but this!

@Patrick_9931 thinking is purposeful while thoughts are automatic. Think of a red apple - you see it in your minds eye? That’s thinking. Driving down the road and someone cuts you off- anything that comes into the mind after that is automatic. “This mother fucker!” Contemplation is just focused and concentrated purposeful thinking. What Leo said about man not being able to sit alone in a room is pointing towards our inability to focused or concentrate our minds on one thing for very long; the mind gets bored and starts to look for ways to feel good again; the attractive automatic thoughts start pouring in which distract your awareness. Essentially we are never in the moment bc of this. Personally this is the very reason I stay away from the internet, technology, etc… I moved into a van this June and have been living in the worlds most beautiful national parks and forests ever since. People don’t realize how much their day to day habits and activities destroy their ability to think clearly. I chose solitude and peace over whatever the fuck this is.

@NightHawkBuzz experience. Go to a boxing gym and start throwing hands. Get so familiar with throwing a punch that it becomes natural. So natural that you just start punching random people in the streets who look at you funny. Just fight as much as you can and you’ll be safe then ?? But in all seriousness, I don’t think it’s a bad thing that you are not a fighter. It would however be a problem if you let people disrespect you and you don’t enforce your boundaries (verbally). Sometimes that means getting your ass kicked but at least you stood up for yourself. Taking a punch is much harder skill then throwing one.

In all honesty how much thinking and theorizing do you do vs. actual practice?(observing direct experience, being present, meditation, contemplation, etc..) I started out around 90% theory and 10 practice but after 5 years in the game it slowly flipped. I would consider being on this forum theory, obviously.

@Vynce well yeah, but an awakening level of consciousness is not what I’m referring to as practice. I think you know what practice is

@lizz_luna I’m not sure why it matters but I also have the things you speak of as far as status, looks and physique. But none of those things comes even remotely close to how it amazing feels to grow as a person and increase consciousness. Anyway, I think you may be getting ahead of yourself on this one. In my experience the material stuff tends to become less important as you go deeper and deeper into the practice. It happens organically. I’ve never had to force myself to do any practice or to be any certain way. If you genuinely want to have material things, care about appearances and be successful then that is a perfect indicator of your level of consciousness. When you make real progress doing this work your whole life will change forever, you will not be the same person. So just keep doing the practice day in and day out and see what happens

@Julian gabriel Keep realizing it over and over, keep refining your awareness and becoming more conscious.

@John Paul I couldn’t quite comprehend everything you wrote but I’m not sure you understand what Mastery is. Mastery is not in the knowing it’s about direct experience. A Master is the furthest things from a robot. He is always learning, creating, adapting and sharpening his training. A true Master doesn’t give a shit about appearances, he does it for the pure joy of Mastery in and of itself. Letting go takes zero bandwidth. What is bandwidth anyway..? Just another thought distracting you from actually letting go.

@integration journey I spent a month in a 75sqft wooden pyramid on the side of a volcanic lake (Lake Atitlan) in Guatemala in 2018. Meditation, yoga, breath work, long distance runs, gardening, journaling, for a month straight. The town was deserted, maybe 200 people. Was the most spiritual place I’ve ever been. Absolutely transformative.

@Thought Art I love cannabis and most likely will never stop using. It enhances everything (for me) and has been incredibly helpful with my mental health, physical fitness and spiritual pursuits. I’m calmer, happier, more focused, and more grounded. I never got anxious, paranoid or couch locked. Instead I’m more energetic, more inclined to eat healthier and highly motivated. I realize this is rarely the case for most people but not me. Cannabis is my drug. Everyone who knows me is shocked that I’m a user. I definitely don’t fit the mold. I run my own business, am very responsible and have high levels of integrity. The only downside is cost. It is expensive ($400-600/month). But that’s nothing with what I save not using alcohol or taking prescription medication. Cannabis is the best thing that ever happened to me and changed my life (for the better). I started at age 29 and my life only improved since. So yeah, I’m the exception but I always get a chuckle when people demonize cannabis. Most people have little to no experience with it or how to use it in a safe and healthy way. It’s similar to people who take too many psychedelics and write them off as “bad.” It’s bad because you did it wrong. Like the people who eat an entire edible and freak the fuck out. Just stupid rookie shit

@Wijuu you are an addict and you need professional help. Do not try to fix this on your own. I would try to find an in-patient program that has nutritionists and therapists on staff.

@Nahm I agree with you but this takes years of daily mindfulness practice and at least one awakening. Even then it’s very challenging because it’s goes for all emotions. How do you explain to someone who’s experiencing pain (physical/mental) that you can free yourself from this pain by simply acknowledging “you” are aware of the perception of pain. Just let it go, drop it like a tennis ball in your hand ? My point is, even though what you said resonates in my experience, you don’t just realize it in an instant because you read it online. You’ll need a lot of consciousness to fully grasp the implications of your statement quoted above. OP simply needs to go on a dopamine/stimulation detox and learn to find enjoyment in the raw/natural things in life. Lean into the boredom and suffer for a while like an addict in withdrawals. It’s the only way man. I’ve done a lot of work with this in my life. You can fuck around and ignore it but you’ll never grow and you’ll never awaken. It’s brutal but I can promise you it’s worth it. @Illusory Self

@Nahm nice! This may take some time to understand but I appreciate the fitness reference (I have a small personal training business and physical fitness is part of my life purpose).

@Nahm Could you interpret this for me please? Are you noting here that the mind is always where it is? To me, these one sentence insights you have are brilliant and carry so much wisdom. I hope people don’t overlook these. Often I take note and contemplate. Thank you

@7thLetter I see a psychotherapist every other week to work on things that personal development and self actualization doesn’t address directly. Childhood trauma, family of origin issues, addiction and brain neurodivergence (aka ADHD). Therapy is somewhat helpful for these but nothing is as helpful as cultivating self awareness and practicing self love/acceptance. Meditate daily! And also one good psychedelic trip equals about a year of therapy in my experience. Just a heads up, therapists do not give advice. They are not going to guide you and tell you what decisions to make. You can ask their opinion but you have to ask and I find a lot of the time they answer quite vaguely. Additionally, there are very few highly conscious, unbiased and self actualized Therapists. Most never rooted their knowledge in personal experience, but rather have a lot of experience observing others. It’s still very valuable experience but it’s not true understanding and transcendence. Honestly just follow along with Leo, (but please don’t fall into the forum rabbit hole ??) read the books on the list, do the work and you will have everything you need to transform your life. It always was…

To be honest @Preety_India you’re the reason I left the forum many months ago. This is the first times I’ve signed back in or made a comment since then. Go ahead and check my profile to verify. For me, I couldn’t stand reading your constant commenting, acting like you knew everything and were an authority. You used the forum literally all day every day. Every time I would come on here for something I’d get distracted by your comments plastered all over the forum. Always in arguments, always complaining, always the SJW, always the victim and also kissing Leo’s ass. Then you immediately get defensive when anyone challenged you. People on here can feel your inauthenticity and see your contradictions (even if you can’t) and I think that’s why people “attack” you. At one point this was a place where people on the path could come and get advice but now it’s like any other social media site. Filled with people (not all) just looking to get validation, vent, entertain and distract themselves from practicing real self actualization. I’m guilty of this from time to time myself. I’m sorry for being blunt and an asshole. I really don’t want to make your life any harder than it is, but you sit here in this goodbye sob story and blame everyone and everything else but yourself and I don’t buy a word of it. This is another grasp for attention and validation or an argument. Whatever keeps you involved with something on here to keep you busy and distracted. Again sorry for being a dick but just remember, I’m pixels lit up on a screen, I’m not real.

Was intriguingly thorough, will give em that. If someone were to read through that before ever watching a video or reading through the forum they would think you were insane It’s for this reason I have never once shared this material with a friend or family member. The only person on this planet that knows I follow this work closely is my girlfriend and therapist. https://rationalwiki.org/wiki/Leo_Gura

“Give me control over a persons fears and tell me what he loves most and you may as well mark that person down as my slave.” The Devil - Napoleon Hill (Interview with the Devil) Love and fear are emotional forces by which the “Devil” uses to distract us from definite of purpose and independent thought. Love is something talked about here a lot and I was curious what some of you think about this? We talk about obtaining high levels of love and acceptance but what if that’s exactly what the Devil wants to make us lose the power of will and reason? (Playing devils advocate ?)

@Leo Gura for sure! And that’s what this book is all about. Ways in which is avoid being sucked into the sneaky devils hypnotic rhythm

@Nahm go on.. ?