Wisebaxter

Today I planned my entire day like a straight up G. I went for a long hike, did a muscle workout, listened to some inspiring podcasts and worked on my portfolio. I didn't stick to it exactly but having that barebones structure gave me a framework to move through that stopped me from feeling lost in decision paralysis. Theo Von says he does it so he's in control of his day and not the other way around. I love that, it's so true. Working on a track felt odd at first with no weed. Less enjoyable. I kept wanting to reach for a bong but it wasn't there. I got a little worried that my skill level would drop but after a little while I started making good choices and things were sounding fine. This is going to take a while to feel normal, but this work right here, this is the key to it all. If I can be creative and enjoy this without weed then that's a huge steps towards resisting the urge. I had a moment when I thought 'screw this, I'm hitting my dealer up tomorrow,' but it's past now. If I can just make it through those periods, they always pass. Last night I went to bed with cravings and woke up feeling fine. There's something about being completely clean that boosts my self worth. I don't feel like I'm a slave to anything. I feel like other doors open for me, like better meditation sessions, or the ability to think outside of my habitual patterns. The conversations I've had with others have been a lot more fulfilling and I've been much more articulate. But....I can't get complacent. Anything could set me off again. If I keep God in my heart and put all my faith in it then I will be guided, I know I will. I feel great right now. That's the result of having worked out and done all the things that make me feel better and grow me.

@integration journey Jump on this one buddy. Stick it at the top of the list, trust me you won't regret it. It's so foundational it may as well be made of cement

@universe It hasn't done so far and I've nearly finished it. He doesn't ever talk about Law of attraction in any of his works. The closest he gets to it is talking about a form of practice where you can use your imagination to practice your craft. So in 'The Art of Effortless Power' he talks about how he would practice Judo moves at home by imagining every single way his opponent might react and then imagining how he was going to counter that. It's was a huge part of his process. But this book is very very practical. Not that Law of attraction isn't a valid idea in relation to mastery (from my perspective), but it's too esoteric for what he's trying to achieve here. In terms of Shadow Work, you won't find that here. Only in the sense that he talks about distinctions you might be experiencing that are unrelated to your goal and might put you off course. For example he talks about how you might have fears and insecurities that cloud your experience. I believe the healthier your shadow is, the clearer your objective will be. The book you want for Shadow Work, if you haven't come across it, is 'Shadow Dance' by David Rico. Leo will attest to that one. Amazing book and full of practical exercises. I couldn't imagine finding a better book on the subject than that one

@Happy Lizard You didn't ask me but I'll chime in anyway if you don't mind. It's been a while since I've read that book so it's a little hard to say but if I had to take a guess I'd say that Ralston not only has a deeper grasp on the subject but he's a master communicator. He would make finer distinctions regarding his audience's capabilities and present information in such a way that makes it not just easier to understand but also remembered and utilised. For example the 'short version' at the beginning of the book that can be used for quick reference, is kind of like a distillation of the process. Most writers of books of this nature wouldn't even think to go there. If you consider that Ralston runs workshops where the purpose is to help people make distinctions and actually experience things for themselves, plus his level of dedication to truth and consciousness, it would suggest his work is going to be much more accessible and lucid, although @Thought Art did comment that it was a bit dry. I suppose that's Raslton's way of removing anything extraneous so you don't get distracted, but I'm guessing. Great question by the way. That George Leonard book was definitely the balls and you could easily argue it presents it's own unique perspective that some people would find more palatable and helpful. But Ralston's book, for me, is of a quality that reflects his extraordinary ability to communicate ideas and master his craft. I mean the guy won a martial arts contest...whereas you could probably fuck George Leonard up

The last couple of weeks have been transformational. When I moved to Stockbridge Halls the reality of my predicament hit me. I was about to run out of money and I couldn't afford rent. My whole system went into survival mode and I took steps to avert disaster, all the while envisaging the worst. During this time I had the realisation that weed had led me here. It isn't some miracle drug that's fuelled my creativity and kept me focused, but it's robbed me of everything. I've often thought 'was I always like this, so I gravitated towards it? How much is it to blame? Is it like an island within the chaos that keeps me going?' I believe this kind of reasoning to be part of the justification that perpetuates the behaviour, a sneaky ego trick that maintains homeostasis. Even if it isn't wholly to blame, because really it's just a green leaf, when I think about how much money I've spent on it...or about how I recently bought some and now I can't eat, it's clear to me that it's nothing but a hinderance. Would I have achieved two firsts in my assignments without it? This is a dangerous question and again I can feel the draw towards it as the question lingers....I could just smoke it until the end of the course...just to get the grades...only another couple of months...seems rationale, sensible even. Madness can appear as Logic to an irrational mind. Not this time though. I've made a promise to myself. I'm not smoking again until I have absolute security. By that I mean an established career, my own place, a car, basically I need to be 100% certain that I can afford the habit and it's not going to hinder me in any way. Why am I giving myself this olive branch, rather than just quitting for good? Partly because I can bare to not enjoy GTA 6 whilst stoned, also because I actually love the stuff and don't think it's an issue if other areas of your life are under control and it's not used as a crutch. Maybe. It might just feel better than absolutes at this stage. I watched a Shia Lebouf interview and it moved me: I hope I can remember this and check in again with it if I need to. I've been here so many times and I hope I'm not reading this in the future thinking 'I failed again.' Let me rephrase that. I won't be. I've had to access food banks, clothes hand outs...I've really been reflecting the truth of my situation for a change, rather than hiding behind benefits, my mother, credit cards, or a partner. I'm a drug addict. Drug addicts run out of money and need food hand outs. That shit's real. It's also exactly what I needed to happen, to be brought low and have to show up and say 'I'm fucked.' I've felt closer to God than ever before during this time. Like I have nowhere else to turn but God's mercy, forgiveness, grace. Hitting up the cathedral for daily prayers has been like a salve for my soul. Soul Salve. I even God my damn knees a couple of times. Someone walked into the chapel behind me and I felt embarrassed. I wanted to stand up and shuffle out but I stayed and set my intention on feeling love for the person. I feel a certain amount of shame at the idea of becoming a christian or embracing that side of me, which has always been there. It just wasn't the done thing in the circles I moved in. God botherers. Bible bashers. Idiots. Fantasists. They're so fake. Well wishers. They're all so judgmental deep down, that's why they hide behind faith. I've thought these things too. Said them. I can see it now. Faith is all I have and all I need. It's like a shield against the waves. It's the voice that says 'this too.' It doesn't shield so much as embrace. Everything is God's Grace, the joy and the pain. Why? Because it all brings us closer to it. Joy uplifts us, pain humbles us. We either fight it or welcome it, take it upon us and let ourselves be moulded in the fire. Ok so I may end up going to an extreme here. My poetic sensibilities are having a field day. Suffice to say I might become a Christian. I wonder who I speak to. A priest, or God himself? Also, what type of Christian? Or should I be a catholic? How does one decide. I'm a sucker for a rosary so maybe catholic. What's going to be trip me up? Boredom Lack of stimulation Desire for Power Associations with music. When I listen to certain tracks I want to smoke, like lbelin from the Kingdom of Heaven Soundtrack. I listened to that when I made 'On Fire for Love.' There it is again, the desire. I could get some weed tomorrow...it felt so good. Listening to that track and hearing my own track coming together, thinking 'this fucking rocks,' and getting goosebumps. Can that happen when I'm sober? Can I let it go if not...Should I? I feel I should. It's intoxicating. This will be the biggest hurdle for me by far. I can feel it. My obsession with success and the idea that weed is a magic ingredient that lets me make incredible music. Not staying busy the strangeness of sobriety. It feels alien to me. There's a part of me that just wants it to stop. Being high is all I know. Lack of willpower Reactivity External events that are hard to deal with Wanting it to enhance Things. Feeling the emptiness of an experience without it, or a reduction in stimulation. Tiredness Not enjoying composition What's going to keep me going? The image of the man I will become. Stoic, masculine, unfazed. In control, clean, healthy, selfless, alert, successful The fact that it might land me up broke again and racked with fear Faith in God NA The idea that I'm doomed if I don't The idea that I'm never going to be confident and outgoing enough to succeed The fact that so many pikeys smoke it The idea of a Shia Style turnaround. What a story The idea of complete purity and how good that will feel Not wanting to be a 'druggie' any more. Sorting out my appearance, getting nice clothes, a well groomed beard, becoming a sexy sober badass. Finding a support Network Starting a new hobby to distract me, like wakeboarding or something stimulating and healthy

@Staples @Thought Art Oh you got that right. This is no quick-fix book. You could see like a recipe book. Staring at photos of chicken pot pies won't fill your belly at all. For me it just clears away all the nonsense, like a pleasant tune that can be heard within the din of noise and chaos.

I have messaged Lucie a couple of time but no reply. This must mean she’s looking after herself and making sure she has the distance she needs to move on and heal. I really admire her for that so I want to be respect that from now on and refrain. It’s been hard, the idea that it’s really over. I’m not sure why. Perhaps I feel I’m losing control. Perhaps I resent being ignored, or worry she’s found someone new. Those are all valid feelings and I’ll aim to love myself through it and do my own healing. If she has found someone to make her happy, then good, she deserves that. She deserves the very best, being such a beautiful humans. I know he’ll be able to provide the things that I struggled to. The things she needs to feel safe and appreciated, to feel seen. He’ll make her feel like all parts of her life are in cohesion and she doesn’t have to fulfil different roles. He’ll keep the place Tidy and make sure he eases her burden, as she’s such a busy lady, such a go getter. He’ll love her children like they were his own. He’ll chat to Joe about football and play FIFA with him. Take him to the park for a kick around. They’ll all go on holidays together and have so much fun. She’ll get to know what a real, loving relationship looks like. No drama, no big arguments. I will spend my time now wishing this for her. I will pray she is guided towards what she truly needs and desires. I will pray she finds someone who she connects with physically, as that’s so important to her. I want her to feel loves embrace through the modality of touch, as I believe she did with me. I hope she can find that again. I hope I can. Such a rare gift. I thank God for our time together, for the things I learned, for the happy times we had. For the good life I was give a preview of. What a blessed thing it is, to be seen every day, to be part of a team. To laugh together and be understood. I am lucky to have been there for such a long time. I feel sad writing this and I wonder if I should be. I’d like to feel that it’s healing. I don’t want to be hateful, resentful. I don’t want to focus on my needs. I have done so very much of that in this life. I love you Lucie. Good luck and thank you for everything

@UpperMaster You got the crux of it there but the last part, as in the very first paragraph at the top is making the point that there is often a lot irrelevant stuff we're reacting to that isn't related to the objective. For example there might be some frustration, or your beliefs about the process, whether you think you're capable etc. Usually we're talking about very non-objective distinctions like thoughts, beliefs and emotions, but in a sporting context, if the ball is flying at me but I'm staring at a hot women, I'm going to miss it. For me it was eye opening and I realised that I'm rarely just relating clearly to what's there, without bringing in other distinctions that aren't productive. A lot of it will probably seem like common sense, but it still cleared away a lot for me. There's a lot more to the book than this too. The photo I sent was to give a general idea of the layout and some core ideas but obviously it would have to be read within its context for maximum impact and understanding.

By God's grace I received a positive outcome regarding my research paper. I was prepared to fail the course and funnily enough it wasn't too bad. I was determined to succeed anyway and considered all the ways I could still make it. A qualification isn't everything. It was a challenging but enlightening turn of events. It seems I have a resilient mind set that always finds the silver lining and frames events in a way that serves me. In my mind it was going to be the thing that actually drove me towards success. As it happens, I'm still here and I passed the paper, through my ability to tell the truth and accept responsibility. I will contemplate how I ended up in that situation and see if there's anything I can learn from to make things easier for myself moving forward. I don't want to cut corners. Here's how I imagine the conversation went: Stephen: Alex has been the only student to consistently meet every deadline throughout the course and his work has always been of a hide standard Marzenna: Really? Stephen: Yeah he's a really dedicated composer and works hard. He's always the one to help out the others too. He's got a lot of integrity and I don't think he was trying to trick anyone. Marzenna: I see. I did sense a lot of humility. I liked the way he just owned it too. Stephen: It's quite rare you get a student with such a drive. He'd be an asset to the industry so we wouldn't want to lose him. Marzenna. Agreed. I've always found him to be very mature and personable. Let's give him a pass then. There has to be some kind of punishment but his honesty should be rewarded too. Stephen: Definitely. I actually really like him and could easily work with him. I've actually considered putting him forward for some jobs already. His recent submissions were phenomenal. Susan was blown away by them. We're thinking of introducing him to Harry. He's a brilliant song writer.

Anyone messed around with Chat GPT-4's image creator? There's something deeply satisfying about having a mental image then seeing it come to life. Here are some of my favourites. See if you can guess anything about me from them Here's one for free - I love Ninjas! Would love to see what you guys can come up with in this thread!

I asked a random girl outside my uni halls today if she knew a weed dealer and she got extremely friendly fast, saying she'd seen me around and stoner's should stick together, we should hang out etc. I'm 45, she's 25, very attractive, petite, perfect body, half Romanian, half, Greek. Lip filler. The sort of woman I never have any reason to talk to. After meeting her dealer with her in a graveyard, she carried on talking about how we were gonna be friends, inviting me out on her birthday. She also said she likes to tease men, telling me I was hot and that she 'does' older guys. I'm serious! I had an intuition that she's used to doing this though and I wasn't overtly attracted to her as she just seemed a bit unhinged. She said 'do you like my ass?' and started twerking for me in an alleyway. All the while she's saying she's falling for this guy she's banging called 'Tim,' whom we met earlier, a chubby guy with a beard and big dick (apparently) that seemed very pleasant. I told her I can twerk too and she checked out my ass as I did so, resting her hand on it. But still, I knew what I was dealing with. So that sets the scene. At the end, please tell me, is she an enlightened master or...does she require many years of therapy. We go to her room for her to roll a joint. It's really bad in there. Stuff thrown everywhere, carpet covered in crap. The sink was brown and dirty, full of brown water with a plunger stuck in it. She said it's been blocked for ages but she hasn't told maintenance. She can't tell me why exactly. Make what you will of this. She's studying philosophy. So we're laughing together and having fun, I'm making her feel good and celebrating who she is, as I felt she needed it. She tells me she's also an escort and she loves it because she's a 'nasty' bitch. I said 'what does that mean?' She said it means she just loves sex. She says she can make a couple of grand from a trip up to London, that 'the guys are so rich and hot too.' She shows me an Indonesian guy sitting on an expensive looking porch. She then shows me how flexible she is and puts her foot over her head. I was enjoying her company and so swept a long with it all I hadn't had time to reflect on how bizarre it all was. We go to the park and start smoking a joint together. I quite like her. She's very herself and seems very energetic, lively and happy. I pay her lots of compliments and she hugs me. I start to appreciate how hot she is. Exotic, with stunning eyes, looks like something from assassins creed, like an Egyptian Goddess. I sang an Ancient Greek Hymn called ‘Song to the Muse’ the night before, that I’m working on for a uni project. I briefly wonder if I summoned her somehow. She approaches a guy lying on a park bench who looks homeless for a lighter but stays and speaks to him for about 7 minutes whilst I wait on the bench. She comes back and tells me he's really hot and has nice eyes, as I watch him start juggling skittles. I know, just one of those days. It gets a lot weirder. She keeps telling me we're kindred spirits. I toy with the idea of being friends with her as she's so beautiful to look at and I like her authenticity and the fact she doesn't hide anything about herself is refreshing. She's very smitten with Tim. She says he might want her to live with him next year but isn't sure. She can't say why, but thinks it might be because he thinks she wants more. She then starts talking about the local rich guys she hooks up with and shows me a picture of some preppy looking guy on a balcony, who looks very upper class. She says 'I sucked his dick yesterday. He's gonna pay for my boob job.’ I don't know what to think now. I'm just rolling with it as best I can. I ask 'does he know he is?' She gets a bit triggered and says 'Oh he knows, he knows if he wants to fuck me all the time he'll have to! I ask for her views on Andrew Tate as she almost reminded me of one of the girls you see in his videos. I'm just trying to fit her into some kind of context I can make sense of. She tells me he fucked with the wrong women as Romanian women aren't stupid. He thought they were, treated them badly and now he's paying for it. She was speaking as if she was one of those women and started showing me Romanian supermodels. She seemed to be glamourising her lifestyle. She told me she spends hundreds of pounds on clothes and you could tell by looking her, she was dressed very well and looked great. But I kept thinking about that plunger in the sink. She takes my number and we both walk back to our rooms. She phones 10 minutes later and invites me to the uni canteen for food. She's wearing a revealing top where you can see the sides of her tits. At this stage I'm wondering if I can fuck her and I'm also a little swept away by her beauty and still finding her quite interesting. I never meet women like this. We grab some shitty fish and chips and she leads back to her dirty room. On the way she hints she had a bad upbringing and some bad issues with her dad. I sit on her dirty chair and try to eat gracefully out of a styrofoam food carton with a wooden knife and fork. She keeps talking about Tim. 'Do you think he's into me?' I'm thinking, 'how the fuck do I know?' I suggest she talks to him but she says he can't. She can't really say why, but is acting like she's in love. Now she tells me he comes over at least once a week and eats her pussy, for about four hours. Four hours!? That can't be true. Who is this legend they call Tim? Then she gets really intense, talking about how she's a gemini and they have a dark side. Whilst picking up pieces of grime off the floor she tells me Kali speaks to her on a regular basis and then throws me a heavy book on witchcraft. Now she's staring at me with this intense gaze as she opens the book and shows me Kali surrounded by severed heads and covered with blood. I mention Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom but she stares at me blankly. She says Kali is the ultimate power and cannot be dominated by men. She was told by a Romanian Gypsy that she should study Kali and Kali guides her all the time. She started to imply her carefree hedonistic lifestyle is somehow in line with the energy of Kali, who wants her to become a leader and end the suffering of humanity. I'm wondering where the sucking off rich guys for implants falls into that, but I'm trying to stay open. At a couple of points I'm almost entranced, quite high, listening to her talk about Kali in her Romanian accent. She loos like some temptress or an Egyptian deity perhaps. We have an interesting talk about Non Duality and she of course sees herself as a spiritual empath. When I confide about my recent break up she again just stares at me blankly until I feel self conscious and just wrap up the story quickly, getting back to talking about her. She says 'wanna see my tits?' Somehow I knew this was coming. Sounding like some bumbling Englishman in a Hugh Grant film I say 'well, yes, of course, if you'd like to show me.' It didn't seem like a come on to me. I don't know what it was. Perhaps because we'd been talking about how hot she is and she was wanting more compliments. She says 'they're a bit saggy,' and they were, but still attractive. She tells me Tim wants his friends to fuck her if she moves in there. She says she's up for that. Now I just want out of there. I tell her I'm gonna go chill and I'm off. I get a text from her five minutes later asking if I have a spare iPhone charger. I text her back to say I'm really not looking for a friend but I'll see her around. What a wild ride! Was she somehow, by giving into her passions and living through the senses, embodying an aspect of the divine? She seemed totally ungrounded, obsessed with the superiority of her intuition over common sense. I don't think I've ever mer a girl that hot and that fucked up. She was sweet too, very warm. But towards the end she said ‘I wonder what Tim thinks about us together.’ I saw that coming too. She wants to use me as tool. Me and my iPhone charger. At least I got some weed! She calls me ten minutes later and I reiterate that I’m not looking for a friend and I’m a private person. To be honest I can see this chick is fucking bananas and would be too much. She asks ‘do you fancy me?’ I say ‘yeah sure you’re hot, why do you ask?’ She says as that would make more sense as to why you don’t want to hang out.’ Seeing an opportunity to make it easier for her I say ‘yeah yeah, sure, that’s it, you’re waaaay too hot, soo, you’d become my Tim.’ She giggles. She asks ‘did you think about me being your girlfriend?’ I concede that I did have a brief moment when I entertained the idea but quickly snapped out of it. I can see she likes men fawning over her. She says ‘well, I would be up for stuff with you…we could hang out some more, it’s quite likely. Let’s go to the park.’ I can sense that sex really means nothing to her, so much so that she’ll use it to get something as simple as friendship, or the offer of it at least. I say ‘you’re just a bit lonely and you want a friend, you don’t really wanna have sex that much right?’ She says ‘err, yeah that’s it.’ I say that she can call me if Tims ever busy and she needs a pussy eating stand in. She laughs, says ok then hangs up if she calls me to eat her pussy I still don’t think I’ll do it. It doesn’t feel right some how, like I’d be taking advantage of a mentally unhinged person.

She actually has all of the signs of a psychopath: https://www.choosingtherapy.com/female-psychopaths/ @Basman Would you mind removing the photo you reposted buddy? I've deleted mine now. So paranoid right now, thanks

It's upsetting as all I did was spend time bigging her up, being nice to her, trying to help and make her feel good. Some people just don't see that shit though I guess

@nuwu Oh dude those are incredible. Good job! What was the prompt?

@Hojo Haha na bro, she was stressing about her weed. She ended up screaming down the phone about it. Plus she knew I was up for hanging out anyway. She was with other people too so she might not be as lonely as she makes out. Or perhaps she feels lonely anyway as she doesn't see herself. ` Thinking of sleeping with her makes me wanna wretch right now. I've realised how ugly someone's personality can actually make them so that's a nice lesson learned

@PenguinPablo Too late bro, I fucked up. My need for weed is so huge when I run out that I will put myself in danger for it. It's sad

@integral She's some kind of type, that's for sure. Makes me realise how much of a sheltered life I've lived in many ways. I didn't even know these kinds of people existed. I've never met a girl who says she lives the 'Bimbo life' and is proud of it. It's a style apparently. The Bimbo style.

@Hojo We don't really get meth here. That's more of a US issue I think. She does smoke copious amount of weed though and I know how much that can fuck with your head in some ways. She was very paranoid

@Applegarden8 Well you're the smart one. I'm the dumbass who's addicted to weed and also I think I felt sorry for her. I have this thing about trying to help people or show kindness to people who seems damaged, but I can clearly be naive about it. She seemed like she really wanted some company. Sure I'm lonely too, that's also a thing. I felt validated in a way, that someone wanted to hang out with me as I feel like some weird, pervert loner here. I've never met anyone like this. I'm from a relatively normal background. I've met some wild chicks but nobody like this. you learn the hard way I guess. If I escape this place without being stabbed by either her or one of her crazy lovers then I won't be making the same mistake. Right now I don't wanna leave my room as the door lock is broken and I'm worried she'll come in and steal from me. I'm here just waiting for that knock on the door again

Yeah good call on the Tim front. She must actually crave love and affection, or normality, surely. She's only 25 so she probably hasn't even stopped to think about it. She's just led this fucked up life and this is how she's turned out. Drives that settled, 'normal' people have might be buried for her. She's attractive in a certain text book sense, but for some reason I find her supremely ugly, obviously much more so now after all the drama. I did have the thought of sleeping with her as it's natural to go through that, but it was passing. Aside from the fact that yeah I like bigger women for the most part, the fact that she's been fucked so many times just puts me off. If it's not a challenge I really lose interest. Plus I didn't want to risk being rejected by someone like that when I have self esteem issues as it is.

@Jannes @Butters Ok if you want an update I have more for you. Boy do I have more So as I said I did what @universe said was a healthy thing and cut contact with her, but unfortunately I have a weed addiction that causes me to behave in ways that are against my best interest.... So, I bump into her in the corridor and it's awkward so I make friendly chit chat. Once or twice I'd thought about contacting her again as my weed had run dry and I use it for creative work on my postgrad. So she asks me if I wanna smoke and I say sure - BAD IDEA. Everything is fine at first, we sit in the park, have a laugh, she even holds my hand briefly as a gesture of affection. I notice now how absolutely self absorbed she is. She's incapable of engaging with anything I say about my own life or really about anything that doesn't involve her looks, which she still talks about constantly. 'Do you think I'm the hottest girl on campus?' 'Well, I say, I can't really comment as I haven's seen them all.' I could think of many girls that were. Tim the pussy eating hero has now quit his job as her personal muff muncher and she's realised he's not that into her. So this time around I'm a bit more honest with her. 'I really think that when we're obsessed with our looks it's because we feel we're missing something on the inside...' 'I'm not obsessed, she remarks. She then tells me that she's so lonely and bored most of the time that she wants to die. 'Oh, I Say, that bad huh? I know how it feels to be alone and my art keeps me sane. Do you have any hobbies that you can focus on?' 'Well I do only fans...Cam stuff. Do I have a big ass?' She stands up and juts out her ass. 'I wouldn't say it's big'' I assumed this was the right answer. 'What, you're saying it's not big? Come on I'm a white girl with a black girls ass, right?' Well' I say, I you have ass, but to me it's not a big ass. I've dated girls that have big asses.' 'But were they fat?' she asks. 'Yes they were fat.' So after we'd determined that my perception of her ass is in line with hers, we walk back to my room and she starts making another joint. I ask her if she's ever considered just settling down, stopping all the whoring, web cam stuff etc and finding a boyfriend. 'Yeah I do need a man to protect me and manage my finances.' This would have been Andrew Tate's call to launch into his sales pitch I'm sure. She starts talking about the guys she's been involved with and it turns out she's hiding at university because she got into some trouble in London with some guys who were obsessing over her. She'd let one of them fuck her twice, 'only' twice, and another time him and his buddy fucked her together - and they didn't even pay her! I remark that it might be best to move away from all that kind of stuff and lay low, perhaps change up the lifestyle to stay safe. 'But it wasn't my fault! In London people just harass you in the street for being beautiful, plus I look like I have money!' My minds goes back to the £100 Tahini she let me taste. Was that a lie? Does this chick have dollar or is she also a compulsive liar? I can't work out if she looks monied or trashy as fuck. But apparently those guys wanted to rob her. I can see she hasn't thought to take any responsibility for any negative effects of her lifestyle and sees herself as an innocent target. I start feeling like Louis Theroux, sitting there asking her questions and being all sensitive. At this point she whips her tits out again and asks me if they're saggy. I say 'they do have some sag,' but perky tits wouldn't suit you.' I didn't know what to say really. Every attempt I make at a normal conversation falls short. She ignores any attempt I make to talk about myself. She then starts showing me her cam moves. She lifts up one leg while standing and holds it to her head. 'cool, I say, anything else?' I feel bad as she looks a little worried, as if that's all she has. 'Well, there's this... She then starts awkwardly trying to do some weird hand stand thing against the wall and it's painful to watch.' Wow! I say. I sit there bored as she uses her phone. She says let's go smoke this and I tell her I'm good, I'm feeling tired. Ok, now shit gets really real. The next day I decide all I need is to meet her for a joint and I can then get into my work, so I message her 'thanks for the smoke.' She takes the bait. 'wanna smoke again?' 'Sure!' Ok I'll be down soon...' She arrives a bit later but says 'oh some guy wants to smoke with me,' then leaves straight away. Ok...I don't mind too much, as long as I'm in the queue for a joint. She takes ages though so I message her and say 'I'm going out, maybe some other time.' Sorry, she says 'I just had sex.' Woah, that's nuts. Sure she's at uni, I get it, it's normal to an extent but still. She comes to my room again and shows me a load of shroom chocolate she's just bought. 'You and me are gonna go and smoke with Tim,' she says. 'I'm not smoking with Tim, I tell her, but go do your thing.' Before she leaves I ask her if I can pinch enough weed for a bong and she refuses. 'I only have a small amount. She leaves and a minute later I get a text saying 'I'm not gonna lie there is weed missing.' I assume she means she just went to buy some and got ripped off as she said she only had a small bit, but the words 'I'm not gonna lie' worry me as they imply she's accusing me. Anyway I say 'I thought you were buying mushrooms not weed.' She leaves an angry emoji on the text. Whoa, I think. So here's how the messages carried on: As I'm texting this stuff I'm thinking 'this is not good,' she's getting triggered. I had wanted to just block her but I realised if I did she'd take it as an admission of my guilt. As you can see I refused her entry to my room. At this point I just wanted out again. I'd already looked, the weed wasn't there and I didn't want her in my room rooting around. So she phones me. I answer. 'You're refusing to let me in!' She yells. 'Carmen, please just calm down for a second!' I will not calm down! I have lost £100 worth of weed and I'm retracing my steps! What fucking angry emoji are you talking about!' She's literally screaming down the phone. 'You won't let me in!' Yeah,' I say, 'and right now the way you're behaving is making me feel validated for not doing so.' She keeps screaming so I hang up. She calls again, I decline. Fuck....my heart is racing. I feel nervous most of the time as it is and get bad anxiety regarding my physical safety, even though I've trained Juijitsu. This is my worst nightmare. She knows where I am. She's in the same building. I block her, lock my door and catch my breath. So to all you guys who chose crazy as your answer for this girl - you win. I can't believe she would behave like this, so erratic. I know what it's like when you lose weed, but to treat someone like that is awful. And why did she say she only had a small amount to me? It's all weird. I wonder if there's something else going on...my mind is racing. I decide that tomorrow I'll ask to move to a different building. Luckily I'm moving to a different city in a week or two. You guys called it, I fucked up, I didn't listen. Now I feel unsafe in my own home, again. Damn weed. You could argue I should have just let her into check, but something told me not to. It didn't feel right. I'm still doubting this decision. Also wondering if this might be karma for trying to use her but that superstitious of course

Had a meeting with Steve Couch in the Master suite He gave me lots of industry advice. Here are some of the main things he said: There are no 'jobs' in the industry. Steven Spielberg infiltrated Hollywood by catching a tour bus to some studios and then hiding. He found a guy in the 'underbelly' of the place who was a producer. Spielberg was only 18 but had movies already made to show him. The guy gave him a 3 day pass. He used the pass for 3 days to get past security but on the fourth they just let him in and he didn't bother with a pass. This was communicated to Steve in person by Spielberg and is hush hush. I was asked by Steve not to go yapping Nile Rodgers from Chic bribed an elevator boy so he could record his album, then got noticed by the sound engineer. He ways the two elements you need are skill and luck All the successful people he's met are 'thoughtful.' They have a big picture of what's going on and aren't just focused on themselves. This makes them easy to work with Be where things are happening. You need luck but you have to be where it can occur. He mentioned Soho. He did a lot of volunteering in his career. He got his first payment whilst not expecting it, for a piece of advert music. He was told by some other famous woman in her dressing room 'make sure you get paid sweetie.' He wasn't there to get paid. he was there from morning to night as he was on the jazz. Don't go in there thinking about dollar, that comes when you prove your mettle. Know where the boundary of your remit ends and someone else's begin. That way you don't rub people the wrong way by doing their work and you don't do extra. Pro-Tools has to be used, no questions. You will hanging around making coffee and then at one point they might let you touch some buttons. Nobody will throw you in to the deep end. They are smart. They will see how much you can handle Steve had a bad week where he made a lot of mistakes. He went to his boss and took responsibility for it all. He kept his job but they were about to fire him. When someone says 'I don't like it,' they just mean 'it doesn't work for this.' You have to be able to handle a dynamic where you can take feedback or rejection for something and bounce straight back. Like Nile Rodgers did. Don't date actresses, they are a lot to handle and very over the top. Nobody uses Final Cut. They also use Avid's video editing software.

I completed my masters with the help of Lucie. What a beautiful person she is. She was so patient and giving. It feels incredible to have it done. The hard part of my course is over and now it's just the fun stuff. My accommodation is secure. I will get this masters. Wow. I'd always doubted it in some way. It seemed like to much a of a prize, too much to ask, given the challenges I've had and the choices I've made, but I must be truly blessed. I feel like a guardian angel watches over me, or a loving parent, like the universe, or God. Just something guiding me. Somehow it all just works out. I have some work to do though. I have a foundation for something now, a way to build afresh, something beautiful. I have very little, but the inner wealth is overflowing. I feel a bit safer. I am happier. I can rest, a little. I was right about this course. I do truly love to make music and see it bringing a story to life. Like a language of emotion, so mysterious. My art is magic, wielding the forces of nature to inspire, to create order from chaos. The day, when I came home from American Express and said 'no, not me, not this lifetime.' I am a free man. Here is a man who will shape his own destiny, created his own independence day. So now it begins. I am Kate Winslet arriving art her dream home in The Holiday, walking into that exciting new world full of possibilities. She is overcome by it, it brings her to life, the beauty, the freshness. And she's allowed to feel that way. This is a dream home. It is something sublime, not superficial. It is the product of love. The main areas I have to now focus on, are: Clothes, a little big shabby, but it won't take long to find something fetching. I know they'll be something. I'm going to dress so smart. I'm going to feel like a success. It might not last, they say you always want more. I'm ready for that. I'm going to be around people like Professor Baysted and Susan Legg. Beautiful, inspiring people. My people. The lucky ones, who made it through ok. Avoided childhood trauma. Has loving parents. A good home. Took drugs, sure, but nobodies perfect. As far as they go, I don't do too bad. I'm about 80% there. A few bad habits to iron out, but that's part of life's story. How dull it would be with nothing to strive for.

@PenguinPablo yeah man, you’re not wrong. I’m gonna avoid her at all costs. It was one of those situations you get swept along with. I've had enough time to reflect now and I've deleted my instagram account so she can't contact me. I’m overly nice too so I find it hard to set boundaries. I should have just got the weed and fled as soon as possible. It also shows the power an attractive woman can have over you. It's like your brain takes a hike.

@Buck Edwards 🤣😂 I know, right? It was the most surreal experience. As we were walking along she kept saying ‘do you like my ass?’ Man I feel sorry for her. She’s gone in the head. The saddest thing was that she couldn’t see how unhealthy it all was. Somehow she had this mentality that she was enjoying being a play thing for men. She straight away felt the need to get my validation. She’d made up some spiritual cock and bull story about deities to justify having no restraint, saying that the more restrains you have, the more attached to ego you are, you just have to flow like consciousness does and live life through the sense. It’s a nice idea at least. I just wanted to say ‘some fraudster has made you obsessed with Kali and you just need to wake the fuck up. You’re not sucking dudes off because you’re doing the work of the earth goddess, you’re just using that as a romantic notion to justify it. But what do I know? I could be wrong. God clearly likes to dress up as a Romanian sex addict with spiritual pretensions. Can’t argue with that. I feel slightly on edge now. She lives in my building. I won’t have seen the last of her I’m sure