Wisebaxter

@tsuki Yes I think this is the key. My suffering must be a sign that I need to take action. Problem is I can't help but wonder if it's a sign that I need to let go more and not give a shit lol. Maybe I'm unconsciously using that as an excuse because I don't want to take action. Would you mind just elaborating a bit on this? Do you mean this relationship needs to be severed or preserved?

@Nahm Well I'm into music production and since surrending my will I've actually felt more creatively driven, so that's cool. I'm aiming to turn it into a career. But I think I need to get fired up more in general. This is a longer term goal. I have to create some enthusiasm around what a low paying job could give me. I've got a bit used to my lifestyle, even though it's dull and a bit tough. Homeostasis has kicked in. I have a hard time thinking about wants, because I've always felt quite disempowered and not able to actualize much. So I have low self efficacy. I don't believe I can achieve those wants so thinking about them is hard. Self esteem is a big factor.

@flume I love how you're saying exactly what I've been considering and experiencing myself recently. Isn't it funny how the universe does that? Brings similar forms together. Sometimes I feel it's almost like a reward or just a result of having raised my awareness or experienced a truth. It's almost like I know what you're going to say next, like I wrote it, as crazy as it sounds. It's easy to start being neurotic over doing it 'right,' isn't it? It happens so unconsciously too until you can raise your awareness and observe it. As soon as you do any resistance almost becomes transmuted. It's the most blissful feeling for me. That welcoming. You mentioned your standards rising all the time. This makes me think about Leo's survival episode. Our spiritual egos become real entities that need feeding with validation. Nowadays I just love what arises though and I'm kind to these urges. Because it's easy to push them away or shame them. By acknowledging them you can transmute them with love. I've been using a more heart-centred approach to spirituality recently as I was fighting against everything before, negating parts of myself, just feeding the shadow basically lol. Now I've embraced that feminine energy a lot more I've had better results. I always ask myself 'how am i not loving this enough?' In terms of relationships, I can fall for the right person pretty quickly so I tend to be a bit more guarded here and still have some hang ups about commitment and opening my heart completely. For usual reasons, not wanting to be hurt, being afraid of hurting someone else etc. All the classics. Oh and being trapped in a bad relationship, don't forget that one. I've some dumb choices in the past. My heart is useless at choosing a mate it seems. Or maybe I've always used other parts of my body. Maybe my brain more as I've made shallow decisions to aid survival, like being with someone who's financially secure as has a nice place etc. I don't think I've ever truly loved a partner. It could be I avoid using my heart as I like to be more in control of the situation. It's hard to say. As for the crazy chick, I had a little moment of weakness where I arranged to meet her again, but still couldn't go through with it and bailed. She's fed up with me now lol and finally given up on contacting me. This is what I mean, was I using my heart there? I can't have been. I really thought I was for a second though. But beauty has such an effect on me, I might be confused Good question. Have you contemplated that much? I think I'm going to. My intuition tells me the more we can diminish the 'I' thought, the thing we say is thinking about the mind, the universe can work through us more to bring us insights and new experiences. For me, too much formal contemplation, like I said, makes my mind shut off. I've been making progress getting new insights and altering behaviours by surrendering my ego more through loving everything. The more faith I have that I have no control over what happens, that everything is already mapped out, the more empowering decisions seem to get made. Matt Kahn says we're the light of consciousness that can decide the reasons we've done things, what they mean, and job is to bless and love everything. We don't choose what happens, just how we react. The more I surrender to this the more it relaxes me and the more things change. Relaxation is key. How relaxed are we willing to be? Really like what you're saying there. Would be interesting to discuss victim mentalities, how they manifest. Along with gratitude, maybe loving the part of us that feels victimised and giving it the attention it never received, I think that's another key. I could discuss all this stuff with you until I was blue in the face

@flume Funny you should say this as I've recently realised that I've been exerting too much control in general, with creative tasks, personal development, spirituality. There's been this underlying feeling of pressure, to make progress, or do it right. I even end up even feeling guilty when I catch my mind wondering. I've been learning to relax as a daily practice for a few days so reading your post today was really relevant and helpful based on where I'm at. What a simple thing right? Just relax. When I do that the insights/answers come so much easier. Even the questions. You can even keep forcing yourself to figure out what questions to ask. I've been quite neurotic about it. It's like Alan Watts said, 'you can't try to improve yourself, just observe.' When you do this your intuitions seems to open up. It's like the universe can speak through you again, or as you. I feel this is the key insight for spiritual development in general. That's awesome because I never considered that writing like this could be used as a tool to empty the mind. Like a purge? Great. I'm going to give this a go. I've had such bad monkey mind for years. Again, just relaxing the body and your emotional state starts to slow you down and quieten the mind. Hadn't realised the magnitude of this until recently, how it's such a fundamental element on the path. I was being a slave driver to my poor mind I can even feel more awareness raising as well when I do it, quite drastically. Matt Kahn describes ego as the result of an overstimulated nervous system. When that system relaxes, healing can occur and an 'increased flow of intuitive guidance occurs.' So intuition is akin to feeling into your emotions for an answer? That's interesting. I was picturing intuition as being the process of having spontaneous insights, in this context anyway. I hadn't considered using the emotional realm as much, which is crazy. There's so much to this stuff. It often gets overlooked how emotions are a completely separate language to explore. I have to admit though, I find myself distrusting mine. I always worry that they may be just an element of my homeostasis, keeping me locked in a cycle. Say for example, I think 'should get back with my ex?' I could feel some yearning in my heart and take that as a yes, when it seems logically like a bad idea. Very simplified example I know. I just don't think I've explored my emotions enough to train myself. I bet that's given you great results. I need to be more regimented with gratitude practice. Matt Kahn says that it's good to get yourself into a place where you're naturally grateful, so it's just there all the time, I'd love to have that. My problem is I've spent so long stuck in a 'poor me' story, being negative and ungrateful that my mind naturally operates in a 'this moment is insufficient' state. Matt says sometimes you have to say 'I want to be more grateful,' for this or that, because the universe will know you're bullshitting it otherwise I have to admit when I say it this way I feel a lot better. Apparently it's just as powerful to even say the word 'gratitude' or express a desire for it. I say 'please, show me how to be more grateful, I want to be able to worship this beautiful creation,' whatever. So you're saying that being grateful helps get you in touch with your feelings? Or just helps to relax you? I can see how that would happen. I hear so many teachers stress the importance of it Ok, the answer was 'kind souls on internet forums who take the time to help others '

@Zigzag Idiot Thanks for sharing that dude. Most of the nerves are probably there due to the trauma of your previous experience and the powerful associations it created. I'd imagine that with persistance though, you can learn relax into the experience and to enjoy it, like the film Bladerunner for example takes a few watches. The fact that you're still going ahead with this is obviously a sign that you're meant to, as everything it meant to be. Something is pushing you towards DMT and it's my guess that when you can relax or when the universe allows you to, something amazing's going to happen and it will all make sense. You'll damn pleased you persisted. Or, if I happen to be wrong, then you can just lay this urge to rest. Either way, you'll have closure. I'm glad Leo's video helped you on this occasion. Definately try music next time though. I think I'll have to go with music for my first time. You might find it guides you somehow or acts as a backbone for the trip. You're a badass psychonaught bro. Love the work you're doing here. Can't wait to hear more

@tsuki I love this process. Something about it really resonates with me. I find myself getting stressed out when I ask a question as I expect the answer to be super shit-hot and flawless straight away. Seeing an answer as flawed will take some of the pressure off. You rule dude, thanks

@Wyatt Nice to know I'm not the only one that has that issue then. Wow, never thought about using imagery before when looking for answers. I'm kind of searching for concepts more I think, so maybe word based. If there are images I must be discounting them I'm gonna give it a try, writing stuff down too. When I do visualisations I have this thing were I talk to inner spirit guides and they're always in the same place, my mental sanctuary, so that's a very image based practice and works a charm actually for getting guidance on issues. My main spirit guide has an uncanny knack of giving me perfect advice. Thanks for helping me make this connection

Thanks dude. That sounds like an intuition based approach I think. I was concentrating too hard. It's weird, If I concentrate too hard my brain just refuses to answer.

@jbram2002 Yeah best to avoid what psychologists refer to as the 'sunken cost bias.' Basically where you keep pouring more resources into a pastime because you've already invested so much in it and don't want to feel you've wasted it all. Always better to cut your losses

@Zigzag Idiot yeah man, well put. To be honest since experiencing some crazy stuff myself (synchronicity, infinite love) I'm far more open to anything now. Sometimes the voice of the old me pipes up out of the blue and says 'really?' I come from a materialistic background so it's just old wiring, but my heart tells a different story. Glad your digging his videos. I can't stop watching them. He's doing a 2 day event just up the road from me in London right now. So wish I was there. My ex decided to buy a ticket so she's going. I'm having to love this feeling of jealousy that's arising in me now lol

Thanks for posting this on here @Zigzag Idiot Matt Kahn's version of shadow work is simply to recognise and love our inner child and to not ignore it while we focus on these lofty spiritual sentiments while it gets left behind and ignored. So I wouldn't say he argues against shadow work as such. He stresses the point that it has to be a loving approach where we compliment ourselves, no matter what we do, realising that even a seemingly heinous act is a cry for help from a part of ourselves that hasn't been acknowledged. Actually, in another video he goes even further and says it's a cry from the collective consciousness which needs healing. The act or judgement etc didn't even come from us as there is no 'us' in an individualistic sense, which all of us know here. This also helps us not to feel ashamed. Here's the video where he mentions it: A lot of spiritual teachings advocate a form of ego shaming where the ego is seen as being evil etc. He says this isn't helpful as it's actual denying what needs to be recognised and healed. I can say that from having carried out the practice of 'loving whatever arises' he teaches (check out his book of the same title, it's awesome) it really does work. He says the universe won't deliver the deepest spiritual awakenings until be can become purely heart-centred and heal all of our pain through acknowledgement and love. Some of his other practices are: Going out and blessing everyone that passes you with 'may you be blessed' which heals their hearts and our own and saying 'I love you' to ourselves over and over whenever pain arises - place your hand on the area that feels uncomfortable, or on your heart, which is the centre of the universe I've cut down on my spiritual checklist now massively and I'm only really using Matt's teachings for the time being (at least until my shadow is integrated) which are simple, direct and practical. I've neglected loving myself for years due to feeling that the people who should have loved me, didn't. I had no idea that I was perpetuating my own suffering by denying myself this love. Everything is changing for me now. My anxiety levels have gone down, I'm more at peace, and I no longer hide from any pain that arises. He says that a lot of people collect spiritual knowledge and find it hard to progress on the path. I was one of those people. We really need to unite the mind and the heart. Matt is amazing. A very interesting character too. Says he was visited by angels when he was 8. Even if it's hard to take on board some of the more 'woo woo' claims sometimes, I can't deny his teachings just..work. Here's an interesting image I downloaded from his Facebook, which really resonates with me somehow. He says he was in a church or something looking at an image of Jesus and he suddenly received what he referred to as a 'Christ consciousness upgrade.' Notice the little orbs behind him. He says they're the angelic enlightened masters that have followed him around since he was 8. The best thing about it for me is, he's still clutching a shopping bag, containing what he says is a very expensive olive oil one of the comments read 'wow Matt, I think it was the Olive oil that triggered this upgrade, as its such a pure substance

This was exactly what I needed to read right now as I'm in the worst ego backlash ever. It is definitely fear-based and I'm having to really face it and ask those tough questions like you said. I'm gonna carry on doing that. This is spot on. I think I attempted to storm the gates of heaven using psychedelics without being stable enough first. So I had a growth spurt but have been unable to sustain in and it's backfired somehow. I think it's like @Stoica Doru said, I had a glimpse all of of the crap stored up in my ego and realised the extent of what's needed, which was a bit disheartening. I'm not sure though. All I know is, I was smashing it big time, meditating daily, off of weed, exercising, calming my monkey mind, but now all the habits are gone and it's chaos again lol. But then I had a thought - it's ego backlash. This has comforted me a bit, because I feel I can explain it now. Maybe it's a placebo, but it makes sense as I did a lot of acid recently and got a lot of growth.

Ok so I've tripped 6 times now, my highest dose being 300ug, and still haven't experienced ego death, at least in the way it's been described to me by others. I've felt a profound sense of connection with reality, experienced the fact that 'being' is all there is and felt an intense love for everything, a stronger love than I've ever felt in my life. It's been life changing in many ways and always blows me away. I've had really deep insights from a psychological point of view and also about the nature of existence, the fact that it's so playful, stuff like that. But I've still felt my ego present throughout. I have to admit I do find it a little hard to stay focused on existential inquiry, asking 'Who am I?' etc. I just start having insights about my life flowing out of me and get excited and distracted by those, along with music of course lol. Leo mentioned that doing inquiry whilst tripping is important, so perhaps next time I should really focus on that. I kind of assumed that ego death would just happen without it. At the beginning of a couple of the trips I started feeling a bit panicky, like I couldn't breath properly, and I felt incredibly tired, like I just wanted to sleep more than anything else in the world, but it was unpleasant and scary so I fought it. I felt like I might die if I fell asleep. Could this have been the beginning of something? Makes me think I still have too much fear in me. I do suffer from anxiety quite badly. I haven't really got my life situation sorted either. I have a few hang ups and neurosis that still dominate my conscousness quite a lot. Stage Orange stuff around needing success and recognition. I need to get the lower levels of Maslow's triangle sorted too, basic security stuff. My finances suck. So there's a lot that I still haven't let go of or got handled I suppose. So what do you guys think? More basic personal development needed? I have been a bit of a lightweight with my meditation, self inquiry, contemplation. Only meditated solidly every day for a few months and never for massive sessions. Around 30mins. I always get confused as to what type of meditation is best too, for enlightenment. Or just maybe just let go more during the trips? Leo mentioned the body load being heavy on LSD. I definately agree. I feel so physically blissful that this distracts me a bit. And those visuals...man, just seeing those feels mystical to me. So beautiful, like nothing I've ever seen. It's like God is putting on a show for me. Or I am, for myself. I have to admit it's felt pretty mystical at times but my damn ego just won't budge haha. Or maybe now's the type to switch over to mushrooms. I still haven't tried those. Or just go full steam ahead with some 5-MeO DMT.

Unfortunately weed makes me more unconscious these days, has for a while but I still can't kick it fully. I'm not smoking it as much though. I find it hard to meditate on it as my mind is racing so much Do you find it's a good aid then? I've had the best results with Modafinil in terms of consciousness stuff

@TheAvatarState I'd struggle to find a trip sitter as I'm a one man wolf pack and don't socialise much at the moment Maybe if I did it in a hotel I could call the front desk if things got crazy. Or ask them to check in on me as I'm doing a dangerous type of yoga or something where I dislocate my joints. I have no idea what to do a about a sitter. I'm probably gonna have to use 5-MeO DMT to avoid that risk at the moment. Although I felt quite with it on 300ug. Would another 200ug really get me that out of it to the point where I lose touch with reality? I have to say the difference between 200ug and 300ug was pretty insane.

@DrMobius Did you have to accept you were actually going to die before you died? Or were you just pulled into it?

@Robi Steel This was really helpful man, thank you. I had a feeling it might be something along these lines but I was avoiding it haha. I was hoping for a nice, clean ego death with no actual sacrifice or effort needed To be honest I didn't even know what it really meant, but now I do thanks do you. This will be the way forward for me then. Complete surrender. I have a weird thing in the library where my eyes just intuitively land on books that have messages for me in the title, or on the back of the book. I know it sounds crazy, but some of the messages have been uncanny, especially one I had whilst tripping once. I was feeling some anxiety about something to do with my health, nothing major, I was just being paranoid as usual, when my eyes just fixated on a book. The title was 'Hope to Die.' I picked it up and as the authors name was Alex 'something' (Alex is my name) it read 'Hope to Die Alex' as the authors name was under the title lol. So the universe was saying to me, the thing you're worrying about, is the thing you should be hoping for. It completely calmed my nerves. Another time whilst coming up on acid I had vivid images of the police searching around the house as I'd been found there dead. But weirdly, I felt ok with it. It seemed so natural. Then I was at my funeral and it was all fine. But I suddenly started to panic as the images got really dark and disturbing and I had to distract myself with something lol. I should have probably gone deeper into all of this though as I was obviously been helped to deal with stuff in a way that I myself would never have thought to try.

Just fit a bottle to the end of your member, problem solved

For me a Law of Attraction combined with a mindfulness-based approach has worked the best for rewiring my subconscious mind. Pro-actively setting intentions to see things in a different way and making sure I'm ever-vigilant as to the meaning I'm applying to things around me. Becoming deeply aware of how meaning is constructed by me, the mechanisms there. How I label my emotions and why I do that. I'm setting alarms and making new intentions (intention is massively significant in this work), performing daily rituals like visualisation, using mantras, We're talking about overwriting old patterns of behaviour with new, consciously built ones. It's a powerful, deeply fulfilling way of living, to take control again. Like in Leo's understanding awareness exercise where he quotes Ouspensky: Man cannot move, speak or think of his own accord. He's a marionette, pulled hither and thither by invisible strings. If he understands this he can learn more about himself, and then possibly things will begin to change for him. But if he cannot realise this and he cannot understand his other mechanicalness, if he does not wish to accept it as a fact he can learn nothing more and things cannot change for him. Man is a machine but a very peculiar machine. He is a machine which in the right circumstances with the right treatment, can know that he is a machine and having fully realised this he may find ways to cease to be a machine. This following video has been huge in my life. For me it blends non-dualiy with Law of Attraction. This guy explains it in such a clear way too, about how it all comes down to the meanings we give to symbols. Swami Yogananda is the man as well. He doesn't have many hits on Youtube, but he was a direct disciple of Paramahansa Yogananda's. His videos are gold

I think the fact modafinil quietens your mind and improves your focus, enables you to dig deeper into the thoughts that do occur with a greater clarity and concentration, to see how you're creating meaning all the time. I've been noticing so much self-deception today, almost constantly. It's almost like I've been able to take a step back a look at my actions from a more zoomed out perspective. I can see much more clearly how I've been applying meaning to everything based on my agenda and my beliefs. It's freaked me out a bit as I'm noticing it more and more. Don't know if anyone else had found they've had more spontaneous insights on modafinil, or had more clarity in general. I feel it's almost like a 'woke' pill. Keeps you woke and awake lol.

@Karla It's funny, I was just thinking about authenticity. Recently I've made myself be more honest with myself and others and now I find myself having a lot of these moments where I become aware of my own lies, inner manipulations to serve my agenda, automatic behaviours etc. It's been amazing and I'm very please. I was just feeling a bit overwhelmed because of it, like there's so much to address and deal with. Have you felt like that at all? My identity and web of meanings are being deconstructing quite quickly. Like I've just yanked on the yarn and it's come unravelled fast. Now I'm attempting the clever metaphor thing possibly as hyperbole to add a sense of drama lol. It's stuff like this. Am I just trying to sound poetic? Why do I care, it seems trivial, but I'm questioning my behaviour all of the time. I realised today that I have this obsession with trying to be funny all of the time. I'm wondering why I do it. I haven't necessarily decided it's a bad thing yet, but the fact that it's there. Perhaps it's more accurate so say I'm questioning more and not as caught up in monkey kind. The Armodafinil must be helping with that.

@Zigzag Idiot The visuals I saw on LSD were beautiful beyond anything I could have imagined, so I'd imagine DMT is quite a ride as I've heard reports of people crying at the beauty of what they saw. One person said it feels more real and vivid in some of those distance places than real life does, which boggles my mind when I try to imagine that. I think they were referring to the sharpness of it all, the colours etc, maybe more than that though. I want to try DMT but I'm quite nervous. I know I shouldn't be, you just never know what to expect do you. Was it leagues stronger than LSD in your experience? And very different? Might be hard for you to say though as you weren't able to relax like you wanted to. Will you do it solo next time around?

@Zigzag Idiot Haha yeah I thought the same. He got a bit of stick in the comments, which I can't help reading but always end up shaking my head at due to all the ignorance. I'm working on getting to the stage where I feel compassion for people who are so critical or stuck in their ways. I remember what life used to be like when I was so sceptical all the time. A lot less magical and interesting, that's for sure

@Karla Yeah it was different to see someone questioning themselves so openly and sharing their train of thought from a non-egoic perspective. I've heard quite a few times that honesty and authenticity is such an integral part of raising your consciousness, as you're able to see through illusion easier. It also leads to more love being experienced as there's no deceit or manipulations needed in order to survive. Leo's video really inspired me to be more honest and allow myself to be more vulnerable. Having that kind of relationship to life opens you up in so many ways. I think that's the reason we all love stuff that's 'live,' it has the same quality of truth to it.

@Serotoninluv thanks for sharing all that bro, really loved reading it and agree whole heartedly with everything you said. The Modafinil creates a mental environment where high growth is a lot easier and so the effects of this are bound to remain. It's like a painter being able to paint in the middle of a big city with no distractions and therefore develop his art a lot faster. I'm on Armodafinil today and I bloody love it. I forgot how good this stuff was. I'm going to perform an experiment soon, 15 days of Armodafinil and 'complete un-attachment from everything.' I'll just do 'sit and do nothing' all day every day and keep a journal of the effect it has on me. The last time I took Modafinil consistently I had a very brief mystical experience so I'm optimistic I can get some more of that action going