Phrae

Loving What Is You can literally use this to get your entire emotions figured out.

Bring the stillness of That into your life. Keep bringing yourself back to it. The more you do it the more you'll be able to witness distractions. “You do not need to create problems to work on; the world is perfectly capable of providing them all by itself”. If you are identified with your body/mind, there are no perfect environments. You can go to the most remote and sacred cave, jungle or mountain but “no matter where you go, there you are”. If you are not identified with your body/mind, it doesn’t matter where you are. What do you want? Go after it... If it turns out you were wrong so you were. Do something different then.

Alright boys time to be fucking real. I am so fucking awkward. I've been awkward for as long as I can remember. I just had a horrible interaction. What's funny is that I was doing informal self-inquiry and deep breathing in my car before getting into the awkward situation. I am 180 degree in the other direction. Before: Tranquil, Centered, Strong After: Defeated, Weak, Pussy, ---------------------------------------------------------- I don't fucking know what's wrong. I've been keeping this from this journal but fuck it. I will become a person that acknowledges his previous awkwardness. It's all just talk, just yap yap yap yap yap talk. No point in watching this journal if you're reading this. I want to do something about it. But really I don't. After a couple minutes I will be back to my normal state. My negative motivation will dry out and I will start feeling normal again. I guess I could motivated myself to work on it by seeing it as an attachment to me. I'm attached to particular beliefs/things and that's blocking my spontaneity. So really I'm gonna be tackling it cause it's about being thorough. Or dunno. Status for now. So much shit to report on. DONE

Plans for Summer: Okay I don't know how this is gonna go. I am someway in a situation where I am practically certain I don't want to live where I've been born, a middle eastern country. I don't know what my expectations are of leaving this place. I've had wishy washy ideas about how I just need to leave, but maybe it's not that simple. I guess I make a point of being a realist. I don't know what my priorities are. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I want to do. I'm trying to remind myself of what I've read in a book 2 days ago which said that if you did know, what would it be? If I had an opinion what would it be? If I had a preference what would it be? Nonetheless, I seem to be more comfortable thinking that thought rather than do what that thought is entailing. I do that quite a fucking lot. I've been engaged in so much idle theorizing. The excuse that's making the situation tolerable is that I've got the whole summer to settle through this shit. I hope I fucking do. I was skeptical about not talking summer classes because of not being able to trust myself of using my time to get some results rolling. I will try to do the following things while being as least distracted as possible. I want to treat it as a job. I have 3 months and it's urgent. I do hate myself for saying "try" cause I don't know what's going to happen through this. I'm a lot more comfortable talking about it. I'm noticing myself not saying what I want to say to make this elaborate. I will try to increase honesty as I go along. Things I wanna go through the summer: Should I change my career? I think I will do this by finishing Leo's life purpose course... What does it mean to live in a different place? I have to answer the earlier question to get a better picture of this. Work on my health. < I'm really bad at this and I have to learn it all on my own (a lot of frustration and victim mentality) Fix my posture. Quit porn. Work on my self-esteem/confidence. I'm horrendous as this. honestly I just feel way too shallow to attempt to improve at normal social settings. I'd have to join something specifically dedicated to practicing so as not to be perceived weird. After writing that I can see how it's so fucking unrealistic. I just get stressed thinking about it. I'm not sure if I can/should tackle these together. What do I mean by "tackle" here let me try. It's going to be reading books and exposing myself to "content". I don't think that's a good way. I am honestly scared about the prospects of changing my career. I want to finish Leo's life purpose course but I feel resistance because I know how much I'm going to scrutinize every response to every question that is asked and it's going to take me a full month to through it very very carefully and very diligently. I want to be designating exact hours to what I'm gonna work on. Do X for Y amount of time at days A-Z. I want to journal/write my thoughts about the process as I'm going along (unrealistic). It's also going to clearly shift the priority of the above listed things. I'm going to be forced to follow through on my life purpose by any mean possible and that sounds scary to me. I think I'm better thinking critically though. I'm not going to think about Enlightenment here. I think Leo talks about wishing to have meditated earlier. I think meditating with a half ass attitude is not something that I want. He even mentions that the resistance to it is all the more reason to do it. I might be in denial but I'll be giving myself the benefit of the doubt... I might do 5-10 meditation everyday. I want to try visualizing constantly. TBH I can sense it's immediate usefulness unlike meditating. I've written this yesterday I'll post another one today. I'll write how much I don't know things. How I'm mostly a pretender and that's working against me. I want to cultivate sacredness to dumbness I guess. I feel like I can do it. Insights: --I have to count reading/hearing/watching as a tool that I can use to progress, rather than the progress itself. I'm very guilty of this and I need to "hold my feet to the fires of reality" with this thing, even telling this to myself is not lighting the fire under my feet. --Which stressed the second point "Nonetheless, I seem to be more comfortable thinking that thought rather than do what that thought is entailing. I do that quite a fucking lot." things I've noticed: I feel comfortable saying I'm going to be honest or trying to be honest rather than actually being honest. I'll probably not mention this again, which is probably working against me. I'm invested in having an image of a person who knows things. I think I insidiously do that to the point that I don't ask questions when I have to. I'll "try" to be honest as I go along.

I'm supposed to be choosing my impact statement, which I didn't. I am quite turned off of how little is taken into consideration to make the decision. These are my current impressions. I've been checking out Gary Weber's work the past couple of days. The end result is changing from mindfulness to self-inquiry (finally). The question that is right for ME feels like "What am I?" I really feel a strong inquiry than when using another question. I'll see how this goes.

How would I accomplish this? What does this mean for my life? What are the costs of this? What are the benefits? etc... When you put things into context they're easier to stick to. If it's a statement that's just read it's pointless. Make sure it's reflecting something deep within you that you care about rather than doing a brainless rehearsal activity.

@Leo Gura My account on the main website doesn't work. Your account has been blocked for: security violation Does that have anything to do with it? I already filled in the contact request with my details. I didn't do anything

I am feeling pretty anxious/resistant to the course..... I feel like I'm missing out on accuracy. I kinda skipped exercise #4 cause I don't really know the details of people that inspire me and am unsure of who they are exactly. I'm doing The Big Leap Process right now. I don't know what will turn up. I'm doubtful but fuck that doubt I'm gonna have faith that I have a zone of genius.

Wow, that's great. Are you gonna be editing them? I think they lend themselves to that.

In a sense when I'm being authentic, most of the times I'm not being effective. I authentically want a particular result in people but the way I go about is pretty inauthentic. It really is a dirty thing, maneuvering your way, making sure you're not hurting the other person's ego and trying to keep him interested, you're showing more reasonableness than you think is reasonable. Trying to listen to bullshit that you just want to lash against. What should one do? Should one pursue authenticity in life if one cares about effectiveness/impact so much?

@MIA.RIVEL Was your impact statement exactly about one to one? I find in my case it's broad I don't know what if I have to go through a transition.

Okay there is enough time but I think I'll finish 2 am at this point and I'm pretty fatigued My posture is in a pretty debilitated state already, I'm stretching the most important muscles and heading to sleep to continue tomorrow. I'll hone in on the values I'm fairly confident with them so far. I'm at pass #8.

Alright, I'm starting the value assessment and strength assessment again. I will complete them and then checkout my previous year lists/definitions to compare and get them accurately. I will do the life purpose part tomorrow which I was scared to do last time. I'm pretty scared right now though. I don't know if I'll get through today or tomorrow. I am fairly confident that I will.

Just don't follow through on them? They will stop eventually, don't think about not thinking about them. Immediately follow up with "why do I want to say that" when your mind suggests something. Tell yourself you're accepting yourself without having to do anything, and how to do that? You just do it over and over and over again until your ego understands. You should get to the point that even when you think of something funny, you're turned off because you want to say it and the times where you share something funny, you're like "why not I'll just say this", in a completely detached manner not caring whatsoever what the reaction is.

@Raquel Why?

I think at least a portion of your shadow is at work here. Being a blunt person is kind of characteristic of not believing that there "could be" opposition to your point of view. Being bluntness in and of itself displays a stance and reflects an attitude of rigidness. I think people need time to get something. Immediately when something is shown to them that invalidates their previous paradigms they get defensive. People need to think the stuff through and not feel like they've had the rug swept right from under them. I find my points of view challenged almost every conversation. It's very rare that I don't, because I'm oddly perceptive of being accurate. To be and that's probably a neurotic attitude from me to fulfill this image of being an accurate person. In fact, I often find myself finding out how bullshit the opposition was because sometimes it's a complete tangential point and I don't even notice it. I guess I need practice. I just don't share personally. I am not good at it. I am quite judgmental when I do and people don't really care since I have nothing to show for it at this point.I don't know if there's a way to actually share something and not trigger the other person. I think maybe you should show complete 100% compassion which is maybe different than "emotional." It's like "Hey you don't have to have my particular point of view AT ALL" -- your tone of voice should reflect an utter certainty of opposition and you should be contemplating that opposition intensely, even give it time when you immediately see the counter point. Retorting is not the priority here. validating the interesting point and proceeding with a BUT might be the way to go. Anyway you'd do it you'd be extremely manipulative that it's not worth it tbh. Why be inauthentic? Even if it's your life purpose to share insight, why force it? The insights would prove themselves. It's not on you. In a sense you would . I find myself if I have some deep insight that I believe I would share it and explain my entire motivation. I used to be a junkie that liked to share shit like I'm a master, but I've stopped that. I see how it's unreasonable for people to really listen to me casually unless I have serious justifications. I guess maybe stating things as a matter of fact is better done through a mentorship position, a position acquired through repeatedly proving yourself/what you have to say. I don't know the context you're talking about your text text is too broad to dissect. I am quite unassertive so maybe a bit of my observations is going to soften your bluntness.

I think I'm going to find my life purpose by the end of this month. I don't think I'll share it with anyone though. Gotta build up that confidence

I matter

Why you getting lazy? Thinking how it's somehow a dream amounts to nothing. How is it a dream? What is a dream? What are you talking about? Unless you have seen absolute truth, believe nothing. You don't know shit. You need to get yourself inspired if the realization of the dream is something you care about. Asking others is all well and good but the truth rests on the strength and honesty of your own inquiry.

Define good behavior. It's already bad behavior thinking about parole.

That looks interesting, thanks for sharing even if it's not true it's inspiring enough I think.

Sadly not It's just ground with empty space to the sides and top The ground is white

How do you balance that with meditation? I'm currently very tense. I perhaps have the worst posture I've seen a 21 years old have. I am reading Zen-Body Being right now and I am finding myself so frustrated because IT'S A LOT OF WORK! It does feel like I can spend months with what he's proposing. I'm wondering whether that counts as meditation. What do you think?

I just had my second non-mindful meal this week. It was because it was something that I "liked". I just assumed that I did and my brain went off at that point. I did not look at what's actually there. I forgot. I presumed I knew this thing, but I didn't.

Can you answer yes to the following questions? Would tears of joy pour out of you when you think about what you've done years later in your life? Is this your greatest passion and joy in life? Is this the most meaningful thing that you can do in this single life that you had If I had to pay to do this, would I do it? I think you're giving advice about a career course. No, you don't need to be in a financially stable situation to do the course. Just make sure you've got the time to do it and not be rushing yourself for an answer. The breaking factor is when, while doing the course, a question like what is the most meaningful thing you could be doing comes up, YOU HAVE TO ANSWER THAT ACTUAL QUESTION. Are you telling me you did the course and answered these questions and you came up with some blob about writing? Were you doing the course like you're a fucking emperor?