Tistepiste

@Highest I wasn't talking about you Why do you think I was referring to you? I have nothing against you and I love your input on this forum

Seems to me that you're still very confused and have a lot of repressed emotions you think you've handled

You didn't deliver OP Waited a while for you, was staring in the mirror for like 10 mins

@Sven It all makes sense though! Thanks a lot <3

@Sven Please don't excuse yourself! I am humbled that you took the time to write a reply to me. Thanks a lot for your time and effort! Would you say your internal internal state is different from your internal state prior to enlightenment? I would think becoming conscious would eliminate the effect of subconscious thoughts and eliminate anxiety, depression, etc

@Sven Interesting. Just clarifying,. I have no problem with emotions in particular, right now. Was just interested in what it feels like, experiencing Being. Is it a constant feeling of love that you feel? Or the your state didn't really change other than the realization?

@Serotoninluv I love your posts!! Especially this one. I've been admiring your input, a lot! Big love and hugs from me

Guess the city I live in?

Watch out with psychedelics I would say. You will almost literally meet your trauma in person again and have no choice but to face it. The trip in itself can bring back and magnify the trauma. If you don't really know how to deal with that properly, I'd advice you to take caution

What is your direct experience with enlightenment? How is your internal state of being? The emotions that come up.

Went to my grandparents today. It has been a while since I had seen them. I was there for my grandmother's 99th birthday. She is the sweetest woman ever. Her and my grandfather both. I never heard them complain once or talk about other people even once. They are the realest and most honest people I know. That said, I haven't seen them in a while since they live far and I don't really have the time to visit them. Bad excuse though. It was stressful today, though. Not the best day my grandparents went through. Made me realize a few things. - Unconditional love is rare - Bond between a respectful family is almost unbreakable - Words are not always needed when it comes to understanding - Spreading warmth unconsciously is more powerful than you realize - Realization is the first step to acceptance

Before we start, I have some important things to confess. Confessions - Being true to myself _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 1- I am a drama queen and defensive. And this causes me the most pain. For me, and for others. 2- I expect more from people than I expect from myself. I expect people to be perfect. I don't expect myself to be perfect. Perfect = Fitting to my ideal world (which is not even "perfect", what is perfect even?). 3- I get offended easily and therefore not stable. This is the product of 1 and 2. 4- My certainty is dependent on external factors instead of from within. Because of 1+2+3+4 I have been feeling depressed for months now. Deeply depressed. No energy, no motivation, distrust, resentment, having a grudge. Suffering intrusive thoughts, feeling of incomprehension. I am going to be honest, it has never in my life been this bad, and it's mostly based on one particular situation. One situation. How can it cause me this much pain and suffering? It was not even that dramatic. I have a problem where I identify with my thoughts. That is probably the worst habit I have. It's always been a tendency of mine. Putting way more weights on the negative then on the positive. It is like training your neural network and augmenting all of the little negative things, making them bigger and bigger where at one point you forget about all of the positives because the difference in energy has become too great. I feel like, for me in order to live and be "happy", I have to get rid of every possible intruder, every possible negative situation, by thinking about it, and telling myself "why is this thought wrong, or how could this have taken place for that to happen." I am really certain by thinking about this, that this will go away eventually. Because then I can tell myself "now, you've spend so much energy on that, you deserve some rest" If I am not taken away by thoughts, which, believe me or not, has been that way for a good year before this worst period of my life, I am taken away by everything else. Focusing on studying is a hard task, because even a written text is not perfect, or causes disturbances. Why is that word bigger???? Why did my mom come in right when I was so deeply focused? Am I sure that I read that title correctly?? How important is that part?? I should check it again!!!! Are you sure about it??? __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Now, I am proud of myself. Very proud. I am proud because I admit my weaknesses and I want to work on them. I will write more on this soon, about my experience and how being mindful and detachment from thinking affects my state of well-being

@Highest i see. In the first post you say "no one can judge you or punish you", But isn't that kind of what karma does?

What do you think about karma?

@Highest Alright, thanks!

@Highest I do, of course, when you're not enlightened

But you're her, right? You're God, she is God, why marry? Also kind of strange question because the way you ask it is as if you already know the answer yourself. You don't say anything about you loving her or even liking her so the obvious response to you marrying right her would be no. Don't get why you are so confused lol..

08/03/19 Duration: not sure Focus: Pretty good Emotions: Felt surge of energy through my body. Heart rate increased. The more I focussed on my body, the more this energy increased. After a while stopped focussing because the energy became too much State after meditation: Relaxed

It's crazy how it has been 2 months and I just forgot about this thread. I feel like I wrote it just yesterday, even though it has already been 2 months ago. I have been meditating. But not daily. Also the piano is slacking. This is such a reminder of how I should put this into work better. 06/03/19 Duration: Roughly 40 min, late in the evening / night Focus: Focus could be better. Was very tired and was in a dream-like state. Was hard to catch me in the act, and too tired to fight against the thoughts. The thoughts were not intrusive. It was more of a healing that was taking place. Been through some hard decisions lately. Emotions: Emotions were mostly ok. Some sadness. Which is normal seeing where I am coming from State after meditation: Fell asleep right away, didn't have any trouble sleeping. 07/03/19 Duration: 20 min Focus: Bad. Been unmotivated lately, a bit tired. Emotions: Normal, nothing bad, nothing extremely good. State after meditation: Normal

@Dumb Enlightened obv he means the experience of being, etc. Not the word being.

Went to a party yesterday with 2 friends from my university. Took MDMA. Was the best experience I had with MDMA. But also the worst. One of my friends is mentally unstable. And while on MDMA I felt this strong urge to lecture him and to feel more with his heart then with his head. I told about my mental issues in the past. The effect was the opposite of what I had anticipated. He was weirded out. And I felt horrible. I apologized and eventually he said "no it's ok, it comes from your heart" and then we hugged. But still took me a while to get over it. What followed was nothing short of magical. I just loved everyone in the room. I talked with at least 20 different people and hugged them intensely. Almost all of those people hugged me back with so much love. There was one guy in a wheelchair and we hugged for so long.. it was amazing... Had deep conversations with a lot of people spreading the love. Just showed me a glimpse of what unconditional love feels like I guess and it was just mind blowing.

I meditate on the train, or whenever I am alone really. I think you're overthinking it a little, who cares what other people think hha

That's cool but other people are working for you not to work also you have to proof that you're actively looking for a job and not just taking advantage of this tool that aims to keep people off the streets.

@Jkris but do you still feel pain?

@Highest what did it feel like?