[Just flip a coin]

I use it sometimes too. I have done it in the past and then even though the coing result was B I sometimes still went with choice A in the end, because I somewhere felt that I knew I had to do A instead of B. Other times, I truly didn't know at all and then the coin flipping method was indeed the best way to go about it. I don't tend to use it though unless I'm absolutely exactly caught in between.

[Why am I not motivated when I study a topic that I am interested in?]

I'm the worst at this. My weak point is "memorizing". I like to learn in a spontaneous, natural fashion (not trying to learn), but sometimes I feel like it can be very useful to try to study or memorize certain material. For example: I really like to sing, but I really suck at memorizing lyrics or the structure of a song, which causes me to make a lot of mistakes when I do try to perform a song in its entirety. At the moment I'm performing, I'm trying to remember the correct lyrics/structure, which causes me to get out of the flow and into my head, which actually has the opposite effect making me sing the song even worse, which frustrates me even more... And at the same time, I know that I love singing when I'm not worried about whether I'm singing correctly or not.

But I encounter resistance (sometimes massive amounts) when I try to actually learn and remember and intentfully memorize and practice a song. It's a sort of depletion of energy, an exhaustion which simply does not allow me to practice it. The funny thing though is that if I actually have practiced it, if I am actually am trying to perform the song in its entirety with the idea in my mind that I should sing it correctly, the same resistance and frustration resurfaces.

And many times when I don't find in myself the capacity to go and practice it, it is very easy to feel guilty and start judging yourself because of it. Luckily, I have the wisdom to see the fact that this incapacity is not because of a personal lack or deficiency, as if I would not be 'strong' enough, but because there's a part in me that either has not been fully resolved or I am going against my own unalterable authenticity (or both). I reckon it's the first one, though. I don't think I am doomed to not be able to learn it ever, but that there's a certain layer of resistance there for whatever reason it may be there, and that unless this layer of resistance has been dissolved permanently, any willful attempt to practice will be very difficult indeed, and possibly useless or even counterproductive; at least in the larger scheme of things.

Right now I alternate a little bit between trying to let go to have to do it correctly, and sometimes I do find certain windows in which it feels appropriate enough to actually try to practice/memorize a song, although not often. I understand that it is more important to let go of this frustration than it is than to develop the ability to sing a song correctly. Flow should be the priority over flawlessness, even if it would sound really terrible and awkward (although not likely to be). The main priority is that I am able to enjoy myself and to get in this flow state. Being able to sing a song correctly and without fault should always remain a secondary priority, otherwise I will really mess myself up and get very frustrated.

For all I care, I will become the singer who never does his songs right, but who has more fun than any other singer out there . That'd be much better than becoming a flawless singer, or even a famous singer! That is not to say that I wouldn't like to be able to memorize the lyrics/structure of the song correctly if I'm able to, but it should remain secondary and not primary. For me, the primary thing is detachment and... fun! 

[Thought immersions; My non-daily journal.]

16th September

Once agaim I'm confronted with decisivelessness. I felt like it'd be worthy to write about as  recall that the last time I had written about it it really helped me to do so.

Once again, the decisivelessness is related to time pressure.

The situation is as follows: I had been having a plan to go the swimming pool for two weeks now, and so far I haven't gotten to it. Today I would have basically gotten the last chance before I once again have 4 relatively busy days of schoolwork to do, so that's when I can't see a great oppurtunity to go.

I'm both very lazy and intuition-oriented and when I'm confronted with the option to go or not to go and I'm not entirely enthousiastic about it or there is a slight hurdle that I don't want to take all the initiative and action to go to the place when I'm not feeling very excited, I usually won't go. And to be fair, who says I have to? I only wanted to go to the swimming pool for recreational purposes. I would be doing it for my own fun, so if my judgement is that my decision to go to this location isn't going to be a better experience than staying at home, then why should I get myself to go there?

Yet, this feeling of guilt and obligation seems to somehow seep in. 

The recreational part of the swimming pool (where I want to go to) is for some reason open on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday from 09:00 until 21:00, and the rest of the days it is only open until 17:00/18:00. I don't know what the reason for that is, but that is just the way it is. My free days are Saturday, Sunday and Monday, so therefore it would make most sense to go to the swimming pool on Monday as it would allow me to spend most of my time there. I could even take some books and homework and make that at the location itself aswell.

But both my need and almost compulsion that I always feel that I want to detach from something, and that I tend to be lazy, got me in conflict today.

I actually didn't have the plan to go to the swimming pool initially, because I wanted to do some homework and there were some other things that seemed to have priority in my mind, and I hadn't seriously considered it yet. But at about 4 o'clock the possibility arose in me that I could go to the swimming pool as now I didn't really have anything better to do anymore. But at the same time I considered that maybe going to the swimming pool wasn't going to be more pleasant than staying at home. I considered that if I stayed here at home I could try to detach from the compulsive part of my need to go to the swimming pool. As I have the tendency to almost always have the reflex to detach first as much as I can before I act, that was my initial thought. But still it felt like there was some desire to go there anyway, but I wasn't sure if this was a genuine desire or whether this was my compulsory need to go speaking. I didn't know what choice to make and it got me in this space of uncomfortable decisivelessness. As my reflex is still the one of trying to detach, I tried to stay in this space of decisivelessness and just lean into it. I decided to go upstairs to my bed as it would allow me the freedom to give full expression to my very common habit of energetically releasing these tensions, or otherwise just to see if I could let go anyway (without having really made the final decision to go or not anyway). Unfortunately as opposed to how I'm normally able to do it, this time I couldn't feel the potential to release the stress of this uncomfortable decisivelessness. It makes me doubt about whether I should go or not, but I sensed that the part of me that wanted to detach was very strong, but I think that I also experienced a genuine desire to actually go. As there was now time pressure, it wouldn't allow my mind to accept the possibility to do some detachment first before I would go.

Normally I always detach before I act if there is no time pressure, but time pressure seems to change everything. If there is no urgency for me to have to do anything, it will in most cases take a long time before I actually start to act on something. If there is however a certain deadline coming up, or a "last day in which I can do something" (like it was now), then things start to become different. I have for instance also had no or little interest to try to practice connecting with other people until now I'm going to have t learn it for my study. Now that it has become relevant as something that is required of me, I'm actually finding in myself the willingness to practice. Same for instance with music also: I take it very, very slow, but once I had an audition for a band I started practicing at once.

And this tendency to be very lazy and very slow unless there is urgency, makes me feel a little bit guilty. Am I simply not wasting potential or slowing down my growth by only wanting to act up once there is pressure for me to act up? Is this lazy attitude really ideal, or am I inhibiting my growth here? There is the perspective that it's good to detach first, but there is also the perspective that by challenging yourself proactively you get to encounter situations in which you then are invited to detach from. But for some reason I feel so much resistance by trying to do something that I don't feel like doing that also doesn't have any or very little time pressure on it. I've contemplated on this matter multiple times during the last couple of months, and there just doesn't seem to be an opening for me to be actually sort of being able to do it. I also for instance wanted to pust videos of myself singing on youtube, but I have been putting this off for ages for I just haven't felt the willingness to practice working with a video editor. I know right? It sounds terrible from the perspective of a normal person, but my problem is that I have difficulty accepting the perspective of a normal person. I know that everything can be questioned and that there is a counterargument to everything, so I'm basically too smart to believe that I have to will my way through just doing the damn thing despite me not feeling like it.

I like to trust my intuition that I don't have to force it regardless of how tiny a thing it may seem, but still there is some suspicion and doubt from my mind. It is saying: "Are you not simply allowing your ego to prevent your growth by attaching yourself to the notion of detachment?", to which I get another reply: "This is not the notion of detachment but simply an inherent spiritual need. You should learn to trust spirit to allow it to make the decisions for you, instead of by going by the idea of that the ego would be running the game. Besides, have you not come in many cases to a point where you actually did start to act up besides there not being time pressure? It happened eventually in the end many times anyways". to which I can get another reply: "Nonsense, all nonsense. you have acted up in the past because you finally decided to let go of this need to "wait", instead of it automatically happening on its own accord". These are all dialogues I'm having in my mind.

My sense is that whether I do decide to more often simply act up despite there not being time pressure, or whether I keep doing it the same way I have been, that neither mindsets are really essential, and that there is something more fundamental than whatever choice  eventually make. I hope that I can maintain my contact with this deeper core that knows this truth.

 

[Always go by your own experience FIRST.]

I want to address a topic that I sometimes see even highly conscious developed human beings undervalue. And that is the importance of valuing your own direct experience over any sort idea that society has put into you. This includes even ideas that I sometimes even haven't seen anyone making it a subject for questioning.

The most obvious example that comes to mind now is the topic of food. Everybody, almost everybody I have ever seen seems to have this attitude that certain types of foods are absolutely and undeniably unhealthy whilst other types of food are absolutely and undeniable healthy.

But what do you really know about healthy and unhealthy foods from your OWN experience? Have you witnessed how the food affects your body without the preconceptualized ideas in your mind affecting the way you judge the way the effect of the food on your body is? Have you truly experimented with an totally open mind with different kinds of food to see how it would affect you? I doubt you ever have. You may think you may have, but you don't understand how powerful your (subconscious) expectations on the way you are going to perceive it.

Take for instance Coca-Cola. Does anyone think Coca-Cola is healthy? I don't think it has to be, but I think in many cases it can be healthy and nourishing to your body. On what basis do I make this statement? Nothing more than my direct experience. What I experience drinking Coca-Cola is that it is initially sweet and pleasant, that it also has this prickly element of the carbonic acid to it, and that it generally doesn't make my body feel any more unpleasant afterwards. I have however noticed that if I do drink Coca-Cola in the evening that I find it hard to fall asleep that night; I assume this is because of the caffeine. I am however mindful of the fact how quickly I am drinking it. Do I guzzle it down all at once, or do I take more tiny sips? Do I fill my glass up with this soda halfway or almost full? These I have noticed are factors of in which way I experience the soda affecting my body.

This is just one example. How do you know Coca-Cola would be truly unhealthy? Have you witnessed it from own experience or have you simply believed everyone else when they said that this was an unhealthy drink and have you assumed that what they said would be true? Have you made an identity out of this person that prides himself of being a "proactive, responsible and conscious human being" and have you believed that not drinking Coca-Cola is part of living up to this identity? 

Have you merely adopted this new approach of demonizing certain foods and idolizing others because you used to come from the paradigm of being below the level of taking proactive responsibility for your life, and now in order to defend yourself (to your idea) to slipping back to that old paradigm of being at the effect of your conditioning instead of taking responsibility for it, you feel the need to identify yourself with a certain idealogy that does not accept the mechanical, unconscious way of acting, and therefore it needs to have certain standards of what is and what isn't acceptable within its belief system in order to make you feel like you have some sense of control over your lower unconscious, impulsive habits?

In other words: Do you feel a certain need or necessity to demonize certain foods and idolize others in order to be part a moralistic idealogical system that you can cling to in order to make you feel like you have sense control? And do you choose to adopt this idealogical system because it's a good midway between not following the habits of the majority yet not being willing to standing completely on your own? Because it's still a group you're trying to be part of. You have seperated yourself from the herd of sheep, you may think, but you are not willing to stand completely on your own, so you have chosen to be part of a smaller splinter group of sheep so you can together feel like you are different and wiser than the majority.

To be a part of the minority still implies being part of a herd. A smaller herd perhaps than where you used to come from, but still a herd. You are not willing to take FULL responsibility for your life and to be COMPLETELY on your own, where there is only you and your own direct experience as the ultimate authority.

Unless you are willing to take absolute full responsibility to stand on your own two feet and let nobody else —not even a small splinter group— decide what is ultimately true for you, you are not going to be free.

So if you have a certain group of people telling you what you should and should not eat, or should or should not do, or whatever morals they are trying to impose, then what you are ought to do is to investigate directly in your own experience whether what is being said is going to be true for YOU. If whatever is being said —however unlikely and absurd it may appear— does not seem to correlate with your direct personal experience, disregard the teaching. Because ultimately, nothing is going to free you but your own direct experience. 

I've always had trouble with accepting something that anyone else said to me as the truth. For me, it doesn't matter if it's supposedly verified by all scientists in the world, or expressed by the most conscious, awakened people that have ever lived, because I sense that unless I get to know it by my own experience, I'm just subject to allowing my intelligence to be hijacked by someone or something else. That's why I have a bit of an issue with the whole subject of science in general; especially the field of psychology. I'm okay with science being used for technological advancement, but if I hear that scientists have discovered that you should eat this more often, or do that more often to be happier, it just doesn't feel right to simply believe them, no matter with how much purity their studies have been performed. Because the issue is: How could I actually know for certain that this is true? And if it is true, how do I know it is true? I rarely ever reference my statements to what someone else has discovered or said because it hasn't really any value to me if I haven't internalized a truth that is being given to me from the outside, or I can't verify that the data that is being shown from a scientific test would actually be accurate.

I do however like reading up on scientific discoveries or words that (spiritual) teachers say just to wonder and amaze myself over the possibilities; just to dream a little bit or get my mind a little bit challenged. There's no harm in just looking at it, but just don't blindly believe anything you read. You can also check if what's being said resonates somewhere with an understanding that you yourself already had at some level. Other people's teachings or words can facilitate and help your own contemplation upon life and numerous insights may be had just listening to or reading the information that other people have to give. But what they say will be useless to you if what's being said doesn't connect with something deeper within yourself. Ah well, you can also just do it for fun

And you know, maybe even in cases where you're acting upon certain habits that even with a higher degree of sensitivity and awareness there doesn't seem to be anything bad with them, maybe there is even in these cases a potential that it does have a longer-term negative effect on your body and health, but personally I'm just allergic to any knowledge I can't verify by my own experience so I just can't really follow up on it. Because how do you know that when your body starts forming certain problems later on, that it was without any doubt because of this supposedly bad habit you allowed yourself to indulge in? There are numerous other factors that could have caused this physical problem. My feeling is that there shouldn't be really much of a reason to worry about it because I feel like the wisdom that you need to make this discrimination of what's going to be good for you and what not is already innately available in as the intuition of the higher Self. I can't prove that statement absolutely, but that is my feeling. More about how the higher self later on.

Having taken this attitude of always going by my own experience —or at least approximating it more and more— I have found simply in my personal experience that a lot of things that the health, nutrition and exercise gurus say are simply not true, or at least not absolutely true. They are at least not true for me and my physical/emotional/energetical/mental/spiritual system at this time. There are many different factors and many different layers in which different intakes may lead to different outputs or effects, that you are not to take ANYTHING that ANYONE says simply for granted. Sometimes people may speak the truth and in the way they express themselves it may appear to be the truth, and it in fact may be the truth, but how will you know if this is the truth if you don't see it for yourself? Take what others say into account, be open to it, but verify for your own experience and your own experiments —without as little preconceived notions as possible affecting your experience and interpretation— what is ultimately your Truth. It doesn't matter if it is (alledgedly) against everything that science says, because science is still in development and scientists are often blind to their own ignorance and biases, or there can be intentional, deliberate manipulation and hidden political agenda's or other agenda's playing a role here. Or it may be so that some things they say may generally be true for the majority of people, but it doesn't have to be an absolute law.

So having taken this attitude of always wanting my own direct experience to be the ultimate authority, I have experienced that certain things that almost everyone deems to be unhealthy can in some cases be healthy, and the other way around. 

In my own experience I haven't generally found pizza having a negative effect on my body. Cheese can sometimes feel like a very nice thing to eat, other times it doesn't feel super pleasant to eat that. Sometimes I really like eating different kinds of grain products, other times these same grain products don't make me feel that great at all. The point is that I can often quite accurately intuit how its going to affect my body and feelings by just sensing within myself whether I feel eating it or not.

Sometimes I like to eat candy, but if I eat too much at once if it it doesn't feel good. I now experience that even eating one piece of liquorice or candy can make me feel a bit restless in my head for like 15 minutes afterwards. I do however notice that for instance fruit juices with a decent amount of sugar in it don't seem to generally have this same effect, interestingly enough. I think this may have to do with the fact that water can act as a great neutralizer for what would otherwise be a sugar overload. So I drink lots of fruit juices, but I never buy sugar-free. i feel like sugar is an important and perhaps essential ingrediënt in our or at least my energetical/physciological system. Sugar free means it is added with all these sweeteners which may perhaps be pleasantly sweet, but I feel like it doesn't nourish me. It's a bit similair to as if you're chewing on a piece of food but not swallowing it. It tastes nice but it is missing something.

There are moments or days/weeks when I feel like eating a lot of chocolate and then it feels really nice to me, and then there are other stretches of time where it doesn't interest me whatsoever. I have this oscillation in interest/disinterest in certain foods quite a lot. Some foods I eat a lot during certain periods of time, and after a while it completely disinterests me. For instance: Sometimes I buy a lot of strawberries of blueberries and then I absolutely just munch on them, and when having eaten enough of them i don't feel like eating them again for quite a couple of days or even weeks.

And so I have a lot of eating habits that most people wouldn't be able to see the intelligence or sensitivity of. When they see me eating candy or drinking a Coca-Cola or whatever they may be thinking I'm just acting out of habitual, unconscious impulses. Little do they know I'm actually very sensitive to what I'm eating and I make most that is in my diet a conscious choice not based on a logical system of what "is meant to be healthy", but I intuit in my body what it desires for and I trust its instincts. OKay, sometimes I do habitually reach for food that then I realize I don't really want to eat, but it doesn't happen too often. The same thing by the way for me also is applicable with for instance exercise. I hear everybody say that exercising is healthy and one should do it more often. In my own experience, it simply makes me feel more congested, uneasy, unpleasant. 

I think the difference between me and a child that wants to steal the candy pot and eat it in its entirety (and afterwards finding himself sick), is the fact that my decisions aren't only informed by lower instinctual impulses, but also by a higher connection with spirit or the higher Self. If you are both connected with the higher and the lower, then the higher will inform the lower what to do: Spirit will inform body what is good for it and what not. And if it were to be the body and the lower unconscious impulses alone, then indeed there would be an unhealthy lifestyle. That is why this advice of trusting your own experience is in reality only applicable to those who have gotten enough distance between them and their lower drives that now they know they have a developed capacity of discipline, and once discipline has come to its full culmination one will be able to make a conscious choice to let go of their disciplinary rules and idealogies and let once again body speak for itself, as now you have been able to connect spirit and body together and now every time you choose to let go of your discipline and instead follow your intuition, it will be a proper decision. 

If you are not developed enough, any of this advice will be malicious since now instead of allowing spirit to take charge, you are indeed reverting back to the lower unconscious impulses and it will not be an improvement at all. The important difference here is whether it feels like a decision you have to gather courage for to make. This is actually key. Advising to let go of discipline to someone who does not have the right amount of development and understanding can in fact be very, very dangerous. Because the receiver of this message may in fact not be the higher self but the lower self (ego) in such a case. If the higher self receives this message, it will be an incredibly useful advice. If the lower self receives the message, it is simply the ego seeking an oppurtunity to reinforce its own position. A choice made through the lower self (ego) or a choice made through Spirit (or higher self) may seem very, very similair on the surface. But the quality of this decision is vastly, vastly different. Generally, the advice to trust your instincts should not be given to people who lack a capacity or history of disciplinary action and willpower. People who have gone through such a phase though can be greatly benefited by the advice to forsake discipline, or at least try to. There is however a great possibility that some ego will be left that will now try to make this letting go of discipline and willpower into another form of discipline and willpower. Still, it may be the way forward, as holding on to discipline and strict regulation may imply coming from a more egoic standpoint.

That's why I say it requires courage to trust spirit and allow instincts to have their own say and to forsake any of your old idealogies. Because going deeper into the egoic position does not require true courage. It is very easy and convenient for the ego to use any well-intended advice for its own purposes. It requires courage to let go of old identities and beliefs, but it doesn't require courage to stick to a position you have already been familiar with for too long.

So with this post I would like to invite people here to be more critical towards their own assumptions and really start to examine: "What do I actually really know for certain?". And what do you know for certain? In fact, is there in philosophy actually one thing we can know for certain other than that we are? I'd like to invite the readers here to just really examine their own experiences better and to see where there's potential for your own beliefs to color the way you interpret your experiences. Beliefs are very powerful in the way that it colors our reality, without this belief actually needing to be an objective truth. Examine how beliefs might affect your life.

So that's the end of my post. Be brave, be intelligent, and be alert.

[Martin Seligman: Childhood has nothing to do with our problems]

I don't think every sort of trauma or impurity in your system can be traced back by childhood per se. I think much of it can potentially also have to do from the phase before childhood (previous incarnations) or the phase after childhood.

Just going by personal experience: I am vastly different than my brother even though we had roughly the same upbringing. I have had to deal with a lot of heavy energy and anxieties and feelings of hopelessness and feeling lost and confused whilst he (as far as I'm aware of) didn't have to deal with it so much at all and he is now a rather confident, attractive guy who is doing a psychology-related master with an (on the surface) pretty decent relationship. We both grew up in a (relatively speaking) safe and caring household with parents that didn't fuel us with much unconscious, emotional reactivity and repressive conditioning, although they weren't awakened beings.

Granted, I experienced probably quite a bit more stress and anxiety at school and in social interactions than my brother did, as I simply wasn't very good at it, and I was very insecure in the domain of social interactions, but most of that started only happening when I went to high school and not much before it.

Considering the nature (genetics)/nurture debate, neither of them seem to explain very well why have been dealing with so much more heaviness than my brother (again, as far is I know of) has been dealing with, as we have roughly the same genetic inheritence and roughly the same upbringing. I suspect myself that much of the heaviness I have been dealing with in this life has much to do with the karmic baggage I inherited from previous lives. I don't claim to know this for certain and it is indeed just speculation, but it does seem to explain my situation better, since otherwise there doesn't appear to be a very suitable theory that would explain the difference between me and my brother. Alternatively/additionally, it can (also) have to do with the fact that I'm a much more sensitive person than my brother is and therefore negative in my life leave a much bigger imprint, but again, how is this heightened degree of sensitivity explainable from the genetic inheritance perspective or the social conditioning perspective?

So I think it's false that everything can be explained from the idea that everything you are now is related to childhood, but indeed I do think that there are a people whose behaviour is very correlated to the experiences they had in their childhood.

But I just wonder: Why just childhood? Why not your teenage, or adolescence, or adult years? Why should these phases in your life be much less relevant for the amount of trauma-energy that has been put into you as opposed to your chldhood? Do you think that for instance becoming a victim of war activity is not going to give you new traumatic experiences (unless you're a very conscious being)? Perhaps your childhood may set the basis more for how you are going to perceive the experiences during this war, but certainly I feel that new experiences liek this that didn't occur during childhood are still able to affect your psyche to sometimes a rather large degree. I never like it when people say that everything that happens now in your life is all directly and only because of your childhood.

[Masculine and Feminine Love]

In a nutshell, masculine love is the willingness to do or say the unpleasant, painful stuff that people are going to freak out about, that is not accepted, that is controversial, that people are going to be angry about, that will shock people in service for the higher good, for cutting away the ignorance. Being hard sometimes is necessary.

Feminine love is more about sweetness and inclusion, about making one another feel accepted and valued and appreciated. About connection and healing.

In a way of thinking about it, feminine love generally is more related to a value that occurs on the short-term or in that very moment. Masculine love is generally more focused on the longer-term change that takes longer but goes deeper. Masculine love is going into the dirt to cut out the roots, which is the dirty, nasty, tough kind of work, and feminine love is mowing the lawn so that it looks clean, tidy and pleasant for the time being. Of course, if the roots aren't cut and uprooted, the overgrowth will return. That's why I say that masculine love generally has a longer-term effect than feminine love.

Not that there is anything wrong with feminine love. In fact, if someone is truly very deeply rooted into the feminine expression of love, this will not only be pleasant for the moment such a person communicates with you, but it can also leave longer-lasting effects as well; It has this potential as well. It can truly be healing. Of course, it still won't cut out the roots of dysfunctionality (I assume), but it can potentially provide an upliftment or healing in spirit to such as extent that the person can regain the power and willingness to actually start going to the roots of their suffering.

(Divine) masculine love is more direct in it: It will directly show where your dysfunctionalities lie, what needs to be seen and what needs to be done. There is no subtle persuasion. There is no going around it. People can nothing but either confront themselves and do the work that needs to be done, or immediately escape in such a situation. With feminine love, the person may be inspired to do the deeper inner work, or they may not. The danger with feminine love is that the person who is the recipient of this feminine love may get addicted to the person who is providing it, instead of taking this healing power of feminine love and its strength that comes with the upliftment of their spirit in the face of this feminine love, and turning this strength into the willingness to face their demons and awaken from/through them.

So it's not to say that either masculine love or feminine love is more powerful. They both have their own place. Masculine love is just much more direct and confrontational. It does what needs to be done and it doesn't go around it. (Divine) feminine love is much more inviting and is the art of subtle persuasion to start walking the path of awakening.

A perfect example of divine masculine love would be Osho. He can be very confrontational and provocative, but if you have some intelligence and sensitivity you see that it is coming from a deeper place of compassion. He does what he oughts to be the best benefit for all. Someone that sets an example for more a feminine type of Divine love would be people like Eckhart Tolle, Adyashanti, Ramana Maharsi, just to name a few.

[Thought immersions; My non-daily journal.]

I'm simply writing here so this can be my 50th comment, which will allow me to have a signature/subscript from now on

[Is it possible to be happy and stop caring about (wanting) female intimacy?]

50 minutes ago, howdoistopobsessing said:

@TheSomeBody  it is but I'm too terrified to try to kiss anyone.

I was going to make my own elaborate reply about how you have the inherent capacity of courage within you and what not, but I think Leo has already said sufficiently enough as my replacement I suppose 

For real my friend, you have this capacity of courage already within you. If you say that you are too terrified you are just investing in an illusory belief that you can't do it, whilst you CAN. If you keep repeating to yourself that you can't do it, in a sense through the effect of a self-fulfilling prophecy you won't be able to do it, no. Then it will in a sense become a (relative) truth.

But still I say that you have the courage, but do you have the willingness? To have the courage isn't a choice because you have it, But will you CHOOSE to do it? Do you have the willingness to act upon the courage that is inherently within you?

[Is it possible to be happy and stop caring about (wanting) female intimacy?]

Rest assured my friend, it is possible. I myself have for some reason had tremendous difficulties with intimate connections myself, which resulted in the fact that apart from prostitutes, I've really only experienced only one natural(-ish) sexual encounter so far in my life. Until about two years prior to now, I had very much the idea stuck in my head that "I need to go through sex to go beyond it", which implied in my mind that Iit was necessary that in my life I needed to have sex. Though something in me felt that this wasn't really true, I've had tremendous difficulty of letting this idea go— Until the last two years, in where I've started to understand through my own experience that letting go does not require an experience prior to it. Letting go started happening to me, much of it through the means of energetical discharge. It's just that you're not at the level on development yet where you're really able to fully grasp and embody this Truth through your own experience.

So the direct answer is no, you don't need it. Having female intimacy is not a requirement for awakening. You can be a celibate and become awakened, though there is no need to deliberately choose to be a celibate or to give credit to the philosophy of celibacy. You could say that so far I have pretty much been a celibate as far as female intimacy is concerned at least, but this is not by conscious choice but because I'm still not ready and detached enough to engage in sexual intimacy. However, this is fine right now to me though, as I am however able to detach myself from the attachment of the need to have sexual intercourse. But I am not against sex; it just hasn't happened to me yet as I am not ready.

So just know that sex is not a requirement for happiness or awakening. However, it will probably require a bit of effort from your side for your ego-structure to be eroded away enough that you can come to a space where you are truly able to let go. Until then, I would recommend to either try really hard to become intimate with women (I would recommend the RSD/Real Social Dynamics branche for this), or to try hard to let go of your attachment to needing to be intimate, or both in alternating fashion. Of course, trying to let go isn't truly letting go to your fullest capacity (as the do-er is still present), but it will erode away what Adyashanti calls the "personal will", and eventually you will be able to pull out the deepest roots of your attachments; whether you decide to go chase after women or not.

I say all of this because it has been my personal experience, but feel free to doubt me and take your own path seperate from the advice or siggestions that I have given you if that feels to be more appropriate to you.

I wish you all the best on your journey,

Skanzi.

[A list of Eastern and Western mystics & Sage required]

Out of the ones I haven't seen here yet: Check out Adyashanti, Ozen Rajneesh (disciple of Osho), Shunyamurti. All of them pretty dope, if I do say so myself . Both Shunyamurti nor Ozen Rajneesh are not very well known in the spiritual community, but both of them very interesting individuals. I personally also have a great affinity with Adyashanti. I don't know what it is but I really love the way that guy teaches and... how he is.

[Just want to say THANKS]

We often take the freedom that we're handed for granted after a while. It is so for everything. And I don't judge anyone for it; after all, it's a natural human tendency. But I do want to encourage the readers of this post just to take a moment to appreciate the fact that we are in fact able to have the oppurtunity to have such a forum where many (relatively) highly conscious people are able to discuss and exchange their thoughts. It's a privilege, really, taking a look at both the past and still many different cultures in the world, where such opportunities are not allowed.

It's not certain if such forums will still exist in 10 years time. I'm in fact not certain if the world is becoming more free or less free. I'm hearing confusing and conflicting messages so I can't really decide for myself. What do you guys think about this notion, actually?

[I give zero shits about helping others, what's the solution to this?]

I will give a different point of view. I'd say first take care of yourself before you can take care of others. Fill your cup and eventually it starts oveflowing on itself. Don't try to give away the water of your strength from your cup to the cups of others if you feel like you are losing water from your own cup. If you are not truly ready to give, it will not even be a transaction; It will simply be spilling on the floor and be lost for both. Modern society is full of people pretending to be empathethic and compassionate. A person that is deemed as "nice" can have just as much ego —if not more— than people who seems selfish. It's just ego operating in a different way. Ego is not determined by surface-level selfishness. And in fact, compassion is not empathy. To be soft and warm is not to be compassionate per se. Compassion is seeing what the situation requires, in accordance to your current level of consciousness and energy; It's a sense of deep responsibility for one another, a sense of you having a responsibility to make the situation as much a win-win outcome as much as possible. Empathy is a soft, kind, warm way of relating to one another. It can be helpful in some situations, but in many other situations it can actually be harmful. Compassion is more intelligent, more total than empathy.

I'd encourage you to keep being self-centered, but without necessarily being inconsiderate or indifferent to others, even if it's just an inner attitude you carry and not so much behavourial. Be compassionate, but you don't have to be (or seem) kind and a "nice" person. It simply means feeling a responsibility to stay conscious and to have a sense of (unconditioned) integrity.

[Anyone else here on the autism spectrum?]

I was diagnosed with autism when I was around 12. I don't necessarily identify with the label so much. I see that certain symptoms do see to correspond, but I don't think that these symptoms as behavioural or mental traits are necessarily written in stone. Every thing that autism seems to hold one back from can be worked through. So please don't go around identifying yourself with your label and symptoms and then say: "this is how I am and this is how I always will be". This very assertion is in fact more likely to keep you down, as you identify with your condition and by doing so refuse to go past it. Do acknowledge however what is there in your current situation.

From a higher perspective, I think that autism are generally people who are more sensitive, and are generally more heavily affected by the negative impact of social conditioning by society (because they are more sensitive), and therefore have a stronger pain-body (Eckhart Tolle term) and more rigid, compulsive mind-patterns. I say this both from what I observe on others with autism and from my own experience.

This does not mean that autism, or its symptoms, are not necessarily a bad thing to have. Sure, they're bothersome in many ways, but for people who are more bothered by their own negativity and their own destructive mind-patterns, the more they tend to rise higher and higher than any "normal" person of society could when they do decide to awaken. Just like the same amount of gunpowder creates a much bigger explosion when its concealed in a strong metal enclosure, as opposed the same amount of gunpowder in a firecracker. Potentially a big and strong firecracker, but still not nearly as powerful as a grenade. However, the question is if the person is in fact able to gather enough energy to break through its enclosure. The more energy there is that is keeping you down, the more energy that is available once this blocking patterns are released and transformed into the energy of awakening.

[Advice on contemplation]

I'm not sure if I can agree with you on the statement that you have "lost your higher level of consciousness". Don't deny your evolution. It is very much so that we lose our stretches in which we felt strong, powerful, resilient, happy and such... Life goes in phases and just because you lost a period in which you felt really great, doesn't mean you haven't progressed on your spiritual path. You are correct when you say that you feel like a drug addict trying to get back a previous high; that's my feeling too about the situation. It's not to say that that period of your life WASN'T valuable, but you gotta understand that in order to progress in your path to Truth, you must let go of your past and all the ups and downs you had experienced in them. It doesn't mean that you can't use your past as reference and guidelines for your current and future life, but it is important to let go of the attachment of it.

Consider that as long as you're willing and attempting to awaken, so to say, you are evolving. You may get another "high" along the way, but often this comes seemingly out of the blue and often there isn't really a go-to method to either create it or to be able to hold onto it. And if there would be a  method to create it, you are still not free because you are still attached to this high, which you inevitably will lose again. That's the point: Every high will eventually be followed by a low. The only true freedom is to go beyond the highs and the lows and connect with something that does not attach to both. That which goes beyond is called the witness. What you will be left with is peace. Peace as an attitude, as a relationship with your experience.

As far as contemplation is concerned: Sure, go ahead. There is absolutely nothing wrong with contemplating and asking questions. But don't do it for the sake of trying to regain a certain feeling, but do it for the sake of truly understanding what is truly the case. Because you can contemplate on "what got you to feel that way", and you may find certain reasons, and your insight smay even prove to be rather valuable as far as understanding yourself is concerned. But you won't awaken if all you do is contemplate on something just so you can get a good feeling out of it. Contemplation can only truly be valuable if it is done out of a pure thirst to understand, just for the sake of understanding itself.

[What's your opinion on Master Degree Philosophy (Even PhD)]

I wouldn't necessarily say studying is a bad thing, especially if the study is a preperation towards a practical function in life, and the experience of studying itself can also be a valuable learning curve in itself. I myself am going to study Social Work because I want to have access with my degree to be able to be hired in job applications in for instance in psychiatric hospitals. I feel like people like those in psychiartic hospitals can use an (semi-)awakened being the most and yet are often dealing with most unconscious, insane behaviour from others, because these educated "professionals" may have a lot of knowledge, but very often they lack personal experience of transcending inner struggles, and therefore they can't truly handle the energy of insanity that hangs around places like a psychiatric hospital. I myself have done much of this inner work, and therefore have a grounding of being able helping people to transcend their struggles because of my own inner work (though there is still much inner work to be done). I hope that I can make a change there, but of course my future can still go in many direction and I might end up in a totally different place.

Also, just the very experience of studying and facing new challenges that I have to overcome seem as of currently a very proper step for me. And also, I like the focus of my study on the high amount of internships that are required in the cirriculum. I prefer at least at this point experience over knowledge. And also, I also want to study Social work to properly understand the mainstream health care system so that I can be more effective as being a potential whistle-blower

However, I do want to acknowledge that the intellectual understanding and "wisdom" of these universities and colleges are still very limited by for instance materialistic paradigms. Universities and colleges may have a lot of smart people and professors, but rarely do they have "wise" people there. Therefore, the question to actually study philosophy at an university is questionable, as professors are often ignorant of non-dual forms of wisdom and its many contradictory perspectives; they are often rooted in many forms of dualism as well and not too many of them are very spiritually mature human beings. In other words: wisdom and maturity are other things than cleverness and being a good intellectual. The internet on the other hand is full of highly awakened forms of content. You just have to search in the right places. So as far as knowledge alone is concerned, I wouldn't do the study if I were you. Except if you're interested in like the history of philosophy and how it all developed, and to sort of compare philosophies from different sources against each other just out of sheer interest.

There are also other drawbacks on doing a formal education and working at a job that is rooted in mainstream society or the mainstream system. For instance, in my study Social Work and the work I'm allowed to do with my degree, one thing I'm not looking forward to is having to do much administration and paper work. I'm probably going to end up being very sleek and subtly slipping past many of these somewhat useless rules and regulations wherever I see an oppurtunity, because all this paperwork is so controlling and somewhat paranoid.

Considering your study isn't really (directly) aimed towards training you for practical aspects of life so much, it makes your study a bit more questionable as opposed to getting a degree for an education that is aimed to instruct you more towards the practical domains of life. However, it may (or may not) still be potentially worthwhile. Just as you has said in the previous post, I also find in myself that external stimuli like discussion, teachers, student interactions, and potentially also deadlines and having set concrete assignment for yourself by others, can also be of an extra stimulation to sort of get yourself to do something. I wouldn't maybe have agreed with this sort of pressure as being "good" a couple of years back, but now I do see that —at least in my current situation— it has a certain value to it. It can sometimes be helpful to me if I receive external pressure or stimulation to go and do something; It gets me going more easily and I often even appreciate having received this external pressure afterwards.

I can't answer your question if you should go and study or not. However, you should consider for yourself very well what your alternatives are and if you think you'd be better off with these alternatives than going to do this study.

[Where do psychopaths lie on the SP spectrum?]

3 hours ago, Rilles said:

A very extreme form of Red.

If we would relate psychopathy to spiral dynamics, which I'm not sure would be very accurate, wouldn't you then say it's more orange-like? Psychopathy seems far more intelligent and subtle than red does. Red seems just very crude, whilst orange seems much more calculative and cunning. My picture of psychopaths at least is people who are a bit more clever and intelligent than I would expect red to be. Maybe I should look up the word in the dictionary.

[Where do psychopaths lie on the SP spectrum?]

19 hours ago, SFRL said:

From what I have read Psychopaths are born that way and can not change. 

Sociopaths are developed that way and show the same behaviours as Psychopaths. But it is life experiences that makes them act that way. It's learned behaviour. And can be unlearned. 

I think some degree Psychopathy and Sociopathy is beneficial for reaching great success in society. But eventually at some stage of personal development it will need to be dropped to develop any further. (Very high levels of development). 

Basically I think it has been evolutionary  beneficial to be emotionally detached to some degree. Like when you had to kill your opponent who tries to steal your stuff. 

Being a very emotionally detached person myself, I see something like psychopathy more something like a combination of  repressing our softer, empathethic feminine side along with repressing our compassion. I really don't think it's as simple as saying "oh you're a psychopath and you will stay that way forever". I think psychopathy, for a good part of it, is more of a "mode" that people get into, a sort of identity. 

Compassion, by the way, is in my experience not something that has so much to do with being soft and feminine, as i would call "empathy", but more about a feeling of shared responsibility for one another. I feel that that is more than simply a belief saying "I should be a good person". Speaking from own experience, I lack a lot of "empathy" in the sense that I lack the capacity to connect to others, to listen and be attentive to others when they are speaking, the ability to console others etc... But I have a great sense of responsibility for the general well-being of people and I am very dedicated to helping people and raising their level of consciousness. I care, but I don't empathize. You could call it "hard love". I want to give people what they need, what they truly need, and sometimes that may include be a little bit rough and direct on them. But I am not the kind of person to console and "mother" others. I think Osho is a very good example of a person that has a lot of compassion, but that does (generally) not show that much mother-like empathy and softness. He does a lot of what is needed, but certainly not always what is "nice".

Psychopaths, however, got very identified with the stance that life is a game of "survival of the fittest", and therefore they believe that being selfish is the way to go. And they are naturally very good at tuning into their masculine, detached way of being. I do believe they have a sense of compassion, a sense  (note, i'm not saying empathy), but that they repress that sense of compassion because they don't believe that it will serve them. I believe every person in the world has a basic sense of compassion but I feel like many people repress it. By the way, I believe that someone who is generally more feminine and empathetic can also lack of lot of compassion or get very selfish. For instance, you can sort of pamper someone who is portraying a strong victim-mindset, and by you consoling them, hugging them and saying sweet words and what not you can in fact reinforce such a victim-mindset. I don't think that's compassion because even though you may be consoling, it is no real benefit to do such a thing because you keep them stuck in a victim-mindset by pampering them and it is no benefit for the greater good. And often much of the reason you believe you should be pampering them is then you get to reinforce your ego-identity as a good, virtuous person who is very 'beneficial'. And if that is the reason you are pampering, you are in essence doing it for selfish reason. You may show empathy in such a situation, but it is not compassion. Compassion looks at what the situation requires considering the greater picture instead of coming across as "pleasant".

By the way, my inability to show a lot of empathy is however something I still do have to work on so that I at least have the capacity to show and express it. Human relationships is still something I've got tot work on; There is still something incomplete within me. Empathy does have its place in certain occassions. 

Anyway these are just some thought-currents of mine. Make of them whatever you want. I don't claim to guarantee you that what I'm writing here is 100% accurate and do not have further demarcations or nuances to it.

[Who's Interested In Conscious Politics?]

This is a comment

[Thought immersions; My non-daily journal.]

28th of July

Let's see. I find myself in a somewhat gray area right now where there is... not too much negative, not too much positive... but there's a subtle, rahter constant feeling of discontentment.

There's very little things that motivates me or gives me energy. No ambitious plan really that i can think of that motivates me. i even have an interrail ticket that is valid right now (for 3 months total), but I can't think of anywhere I'd want to go. I'm simply... floating along.

I'm holding up reasonably through it I guess. I'm not happy, but I don't find myself in a place of deep unhappiness either. I'm generally a bit unhappy, I suppose. And less and less plans or ideas come up to me of "what to do" about it. For instance, I had intended for this summer to visit many guru's and spiritual teachers and do psychedelics, but I notice that after visiting some guru's the energy to do it further just dissipates. Psychedelics... Have felt nothing for it anymore since the first time I came up with the idea. In the past this void, this emptiness of not having anything to do and having nothing to do to move me could frighten me. Now, it's still not comfortable but I manage to hold a subtle space around it and I don't panic about it anymore. I can surrender... A bit better than like a year ago but it's still pretty difficult sometimes.

More and more i'm just falling into this space of... nothing to do, nothing I can think of what to do, nothing I can think of how to solve, nowhere to go, nowhere to find distraction or relief... just... increasing sense of dullness and grayness. But I yield in it, moreso than I used to in the past, generally speaking. I'm not against it either. I can understand that it's probably part of a process. Thank god I have access to teachers that provide trust and reassurance that I'm not going astray, that I'm not doing anything wrong. If it weren't for them, if it weren't for this vision and understanding of what's happening in the bigger picture, I'd go absolutely insane. If any person found themselves in my mental-emotional-energetical system but didn't have the understanding of the bigger picture that I have, they probably go mad very quickly. That's why I feel like I cna provide of so much value to people potentially; I can kindle their spirit by infusing a higher vision and purpose in their lives. I can see myself being this kind of healer.

And, accordingly, what I'm going to study after this summer ends is Social Work. It's the one thing I really am looking forward too as a longer-term ambition for myself, pretty much. I can see this being a very valuable study for me and I'm actually looking forward to it, even if it is to give me an outer purpose again, something I can put my energy in. But I can not assure I will manage to keep doing it for the full 4 years. Guess I'm gonna have to wait and see...

[Would you be ok with this being your last day?]

It's a good question actually. It's almost like i'm more afraid of the process of dying than death itself. I like the idea of a instant death more than a gradual one, where one slowly decays and suffers until the point of finality. But then again, who says that a process of "dying" doesn't continue after the physical body has stopped functioning.

I lived very sincerely and intensly for the past 6 years. I'd like to imagine that if I die, I can go in peace knowing that for 6 years straight I did what I could. I don't really have much fear of the thought of me being dead tomorrow, or my physical body at least, but I do fear any process of suffering associated with dying.

But without the actual experience this is just pure speculation.

[Crazy experience last night]

It's a very mind-boggling matter, as it's really difficult to understand what then you are searching for if it's not those peak experiences. Then you tend to imagine that perhaps through your attitude and inner work those peak experiences will become integrated and will last with you. To some degree that is true, yes, but they are not experienced in the same way.

This has been a very puzzling question to me, and through the past two years or so I've gotten a better understanding of what the "ultimate state", so to say, is like.

Shortly put: It's just a combination of relaxation and detachment. You drop the need to be happy, you drop the idea. You take life as it is, pretty or unpretty. The thing about it though, is that this state of... let-go, the let-go will permuate throughout both the pleasant and unpleasant events in your life. It's not really something you can catch. In fact, I experience it more like a sense of trust. It's simply that the resistance towards the negative experience, and the grasping for the positive experience is dropped. In that state, you just "chill with it", so to say.

It's hard to really convey. In fact, it has to deepen and permuate into my system more deeply, as this experience is still very young and not entirely integrated yet through every layer of my being. Therefore, expression about it also still has to develop. If you are addicted to these peak experiences, it will be something that is hard to understand through your own experience. You will come to this state once every objection is exhausted, and you see the point that there really is no use to resisting negativity, or to cling to positivity. If you see the point, you simply drop the whole game, and then you simply relax with whatever is. Simply because you have no energy, no breath for objection and resistance anymore. The fuel has ran out. And in that state, you naturally fall upon a sense of existential trust, of belonging, of gratitude, of peace and awe for the perfection and vastness of existence. There's no "why" or "how" to why you are experiencing these feelings. It's just what's the natural, unpolluted state is.

But opposed to the peak experiences, it's more that it's like a background melody. More diffused, and more constant throughout everyday life. It's like a deep knowing that everything is as it should be, which gives peace and trust. It's a certain feeling of softness and feeling like you're at home wherever you are.

It's hard to say what exactly I could express to you in order to help you get to this state. One important thing I'd say is that you must sincerely be wanting to know what is beyond the highs and the lows of life. If your peak experiences aren't what life is meant to be lived for, then what is it? Inquire into it. Try to witness and differentiate in your own experience. And keep on remembering yourself that you are a witness to your experiences, even in the midst of a great ecstatic moment. In fact, in particular in the midst of an ecstatic or "high" moment is it important to remind yourself that this is an experience and you are witnessing it. People tend to want to practice "being the witness" particulary in low moments, as then they are the most bothered by their troubles and they want a way out, but in the lower moments you are more caught by your negativity, and there's really not much space for the witness to come through. In fact, there's every possibility in such a moment that the ego-mind will take over and your 'witnessing' will simply become a guilt-ridden struggle. That's not the attitude. This paragraph is advice I have read from Osho, but now I can —at least to some degree— also verify it in my own experience. 

So be particulary watchful when there's a lot of happiness, because then there's more space and energy for witnessing. Remind yourself at that moment that such a peak experience cannot be the essence of what you are looking for.

Hope this adresses your concerns a little bit  

[What percentage of people do you think are liberated?]

it's hard to say. I think it's mostly a very relative matter. You have people who are more enlightened and people who are less enlightened. I have heard of the "ultimate liberation" though, which would imply that no other rebirth is necessary. Going along with this presupposition, I would guess that these extremely high degrees of consciousness for earthly standards are incredibly rare, probably not more than a handful of people alive right now, and maybe less. I for instance don't feel like people like Eckhart Tolle or Sadhguru have attained to the ultimate, final liberation. Just a relatively high state of consciousness. I feel like someone like Osho did. Those kind of people are incredibly rare.

But in between your average Joe and the most enlightened avatar you could imagine, there is an incredible wide spectrum of how conscious and awakened people are. 

That's my take on it. These are just guesses though, so don't take my word on it.

[Thought immersions; My non-daily journal.]

14th of may 2019

I wanted to write an article on the self-actualization page here on actualized.org, but I decided that I didn't want to publish it there, or at least not right now. Instead, I'm deciding to now post it here. So i'm putting it in quote format, but in fact I'm just quoting myself. Quoting format is jsut to mae a more clear distinction between what is from that post and what is the introduction towards it.

Here it goes

Quote

 

For those of you who happen to be puzzled when I say "Stage turquoise", look up the Spiral Dynamics model. Leo (the founder and publisher of actualized.org) has made a series on this subject on his youtube channel. I find the spiral dynamics model to be very recognizable and useful, so that's why I bring it up.

 

So I've started to enter into stage Turquoise territory the past two years. More and more am I starting to embody principles that are associated with this particular modality.

The whole relationship I have with life is starting to change. More and more, certain compulsions, blockages, but in particular many different forms of resistance are being dropped.

What I'm starting to notice now is that the energy that used to feel victimized or felt like complaining towards life is leaking away. A certain space is starting to emerge. A certain yielding capacity is growing within me. My mind has less and less energy to obscure me from perceiving life from a more centered, grounded space of being.

A certain trust starts to grow. This trust is not emerging because of a profound logical reason. This trust feels as a sense of... protection. I feel protected. I feel that I am not abandoned. I feel like I'm being taken care of, that I'm being caressed. You may think that this is simply a belief system, that I'm relying on blind faith. It doesn't feel that way to me. I may not have great logical backup as to why I feel this sense of trust, but I feel it.

Life ceases to be problematic. Not that I don't encounter difficulties and forms of pain. In fact, there has been an ongoing process of energetical discharge and release the past two years, which is often accompanied by a lot of discomfort, and it can be somewhat overwhelming if I don't have the oppurtunity to create space for it at the time being (if i am for instance at work).

This energetical discharge has been a big part of my life for the last two years, and it has been almost constant. One may refer to it as kundalini awakening. Personally, I'm not really interested in identifying my with such a terms, but I do seek similarities out in it as to better understand my own process.

What's basically been happening to me is what is refered to as "kriyas", random physcical jerks, twitches, quivering, contractions... I don't (for the most part) initiate these kinds of movements, but they happen to me. If I don't have the space to express these kinds of movements, I can potentially feel very uncomfortable, particulary in my head area. It then feels as a very congested, contracted, hazy feeling in my head which sometimes can be rather hard to bear until I give the physical expression to it which it was asking for. You can imagine this can be difficult in situations where I don't have a great oppurtunity for privacy. This is why the bathroom is my best friend, and I am its most seen visitor.

Not only does this include physical jerks, but also a lot of self-performed acupressure and craniosacral therapy. Now I don't know much about acupressure or craniosacral therapy, but in a glimpse, the description of it comes the closest to what I perceive as to what I'm doing to myself. These kind of practices help —in my own way of wording it— for energy to flow and become unblocked. Otherwise it, once again, feels congested and uncomfortable. Additionally to that, what also helps a lot is to blow a lot of tension out. Literally so. I spend much of my day just blowing and puffing air out. It's not that these physical practices or occurences necessarily NEED to happen, sometimes the uncomfortable sensations disappate on their own, but it certainly helps and speeds it up for me to give release to these sensations.

Often the way it happens is that there is a certain thought which causes distress. However, I immediately am able to penetrate beyond the surface of this distress and I get to the energetical root of the problem, and then the energetical and physical discharges start to happen, and that's the way I expel it out of my system. After that has happened, I am once again clear and more purified than i was before. Rarely does a sense of discomfort lie out of reach for me to energetically let go of it. Sometimes I don't want or choose to let go of it at that moment, but it is mostly now within my power to let go of distress and discomfort. It however often can take quite a while before everything is expelled out of my system. The more and more I do this energy work, the more branches of these deep, dark roots I encounter. That's why I sometimes choose to distract myself because I can't be bothered to be dealing with it 24/7, and I need times for relaxation and enjoyment too.

Some layers of my system I don't feel like I have proper access too yet. For instance, I notice that the desires and cravings of my body go very deep. With food and sexual cravings, it usually lays beyond the reach as to energetically discharge it with the penetration of my consciousness. Sometimes, however, there is some discharge. It depends whether it's more mental-based or more physical-based. The physical layer seems to go deeper.

Same story with my addiction to internet and video games. Although the long stretches of internet and computer game usage seems to energetically exhaust me, there is still a strange addictive quality to it, despite it making me very uncomfortable at times.

What I do notice is that engaging in activities that seem to trigger a lot of discomfort, those triggers do make me available to reach the layers and the energetical roots in which I then have the possibility to let go of them, or at least partially. Without many of these triggers, I wouldn't have as much proper access to be able to discharge those contracted energies.

So that's for the energetical aspect of my life. I have learned to live with these conditions, even though they are very difficult to explain to the average Joe, whilst at the same time also very difficult to hide it. I am in control as to whether I allow or don't allow these discharges to take place, but I often have to excuse myself and retreat to a space of privacy. I know it is all part of the process of purification. At times, there is also a greater sense of spaciousness even in the midst of a great trigger or a great energetical disturbance.

 

 

A great difference with two years ago is that even in greater amounts of distress I still am able to connect at least to some degree with this sense of spaciousness and seperation. Despair cannot get a hold over me anymore, as it feels as I am able to now always keep one foot, or even just one toe in the absolute. I never completely forget about the source of life, about being. I never completely get lost. As this intuited connection to the greater whole, the greater picture, seems to be permanently accessible as a felt sensation to at least some degree, true despair has therefore now become impossible. It may be possible that I am encountered with a situation in life where this connection (or the sense of it) seems completely cut and i am thrown in despair, but it doesn't feel as such anymore because since last summer I have always been able to recall the position of the witness, of the detached, whenever I needed it. I now see that every situation in life is just a phase, that every emotion and every thought is just a wave, and that therefore no thought or feeling allures me into complete identification with it. As soon as the wish to let go is there, the letting go will happen. Prior to 2018, this was not so much the case.

Prior to 2018, or really before august 2017, there was certainly the wish to let go, but not the capacity. I had tried to figure out how to let go and how to relax, but I had not succeeded. The energy only went into my mind, and none of my compulsions I didn't really seem to have any true capacity to let them go, no matter how hard I tried. This lead to great confusion, as I only seemed to reach dead ends, but I did want to figure out how to go further, how to go beyond my mind.

The way to do it turned out to be —for me at least— to learn to act without knowing why i'm acting that way. To learn to do before thinking, instead of thinking before doing. But I am not talking about this kind of naive, aimless acting out your conditioning that in fact most people in the world are doing right now. This is very different as in you are simply aware that you have exhausted your mental capacities to make decisions, but life still goes on so you have to make choices and simply act. Not that I knew what was best for me, what was back and what was forward, what was up and what was down, but the very trick of learning to take action without knowing why, turned out to be the trait that would liberate me from this paralyzing confusion and despair that I had found myself in.

But that does not mean thoughts have to be discarded altogether. It just means: you drop your need for logic to be larger than life. You understand that logic has its limitations and that there is always a reason to contradict your own line of reasoning. Despite of that, just play around with it, and do what you see fit at the moment. At first, talking later part of 2017, I seemed to have this tendency to create challenges for myself for which I felt a great sense of resistance for. A certain urge in me to feel that I could be capable of overcoming challenges. These weren't necessarily challenges that were coming from a calm and stable place, but more like a deep-rooted angst that I wouldn't be strong enough. Something in me felt that I had to prove and discipline myself, or that by engaging in such ideas perhaps at the very least I could exhaust the energy of this anxety. At the same time, there was also another sense in me that it wasn't necessary for me to do this, so once again a great tug of war, and a great confusion.

The last two years this angst, this need to prove myself, has dissipated too, and I seem to have lost my interest in unnecessary challenge.

I'll leave it with this, as it seems I have ran out of inspiration to type any further.

 

 

[The Loneliness of Yellow Spiral Thinking]

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- Are yellow ideals just another form of belief-centrism and should they, therefore, be hidden from the world? Should yellow communicate their point of view to others?

Yes. Yellow, in my experience, is not meant to take a fixed polarized standpoint. To my idea, it has the function to destroy beliefs, not to create new ones. If you go really deeply, you will always be able to find a counterargument for everything that you think is appropriate or right. Think of it in terms as to provide counterweight. Some people tend to be too far on the left side of the spectrum, show them a grounded, well-reasoned argument for the right side. If people are too far on the right side of the spectrum, do exactly the opposite. This is what you can provide. The power of yellow reasoning is that, in my experience, they can provide a counterargument in such a way that it will trigger less resistance of someone who has taken a polarized standpoint. If someone is deeply in orange, you first can acknowledge an express appreciation of the values of orange to them, but meanwhile you can also show its limitations, and give them grounded reasons as to why it might be worthy to explore values beyond their own paradigm (probably mostly green values). The art is using sensitivity and subtlety, being real careful as to not overly trigger their defense mechanisms beyond the point they are not ready to listen anymore.

Yellow ideals are meant to provide counterweight, but you are not meant to stay stuck there. As soon as the context changes, you change. This is the flexibility of yellow.

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- How does one build a social life around a community that is only interested in belief-mongering and flaunting orange status or blue and green virtues?

Play along with it, or don't play the game at all. Know that despite people having limitations and imperfections, you can still enjoy your time with other people. If you manage to not get triggered and play along with their values, or simply not react to them, it is certainly possible to develop an enjoyable relationship.

This isn't necessary though. Alternatively, you can accept your aloneness and try to create space for being contented with the fact that you are on your own. It isn't bad to be alone; it does not have to be the same as loneliness. But it requires a high degree of maturity to carry it. I'm not saying you necessarily need to be alone. Just don't cower in fear of it.

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- Is profound acceptance and tolerance of all belief systems enough to satisfy an evolutionary urge to connect with others given the fact that we sort according to interests and beliefs?

I have to be honest, I didn't quite catch the meaning of the question so well.

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- If we are all system drones, and free will is non-existent, how must we live with such knowledge?

How do you know free will is non-existent?

This concept of free will is one that is very... impragmatic. This is one of those situations were the mind gets itself entrenched in a philosophical matter which doesn't really have any true practical output as far as daily life is concerned.

I have once heard this quote: "Know that God has managed to create an existence which is perfect into the most intricate details, but live in this world as if you have a choice, as if you have a way to shape your own destiny".

Whether there is a free will or not I can not tell. Can you tell? Maybe the argument that "if every factor was known, we could predict everything that would ever happen unto the finest detail" holds some value. But maybe, existence decides to change itself as it goes. Or maybe, this concept of free will is something that is beyond the grasp of understanding for the human mind.

Drop this question. Alternatively, keep on diving deeper into this inquiry that the question will drop by itself, as it has no singular answer. For now I will tell you: there are moments to recall upon faith that you are being guided, and there are moments to recall upon your ability to shape your life by your own hands. Simply do what is appropriate for the moment, and drop the philosophy. This is the Turquoise attitude.

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- How can one love others and progress to turquoise if one feels so separate?

Be as you are. You don't feel loving? So be it. The way to progress to Turquoise, from my experience, is to give as much devotion to the modality you find yourself in at this particular moment. Don't try to be other than you are. Don't create a struggle between your conscious mind and your unconscious mind. This is the true root of suffering.

So if you want to question, if you want to inquire, if you want to philosophize, go deeper into it. Don't try to "be loving". Be as you are. Devote yourself to your yellow modality. The way to reach turquoise it to exhaust Yellow. I talk from my own experience. 

And how did I make the shift? i really didn't know how to do it either. I had no clue whatsoever and I was incredibly confused. At one point, I simply had no idea, no plans left anymore, but life continued regardless. At such a point, the only thing I could do was to act without knowing why, without knowing whether what I was doing was right or wrong, forwards or backwards... Diving into the absolute unknown was terrifying. But it had to be done. And this is the shift from yellow to turquoise: From thinking to acting. from trying to think about the right thing to do to just acting without knowing if it helps or hurts. You just walk.

Turquoise means to drop the mind, to drop the questioning, to drop the enquiry. You can not drop it by trying to drop it. You can only drop it after it's been exhausted. Perhaps it can be dropped by a great flash of awareness or satori which then remains, but my experience has been that I had to exhaust the yellow modality by going as deeply as possible in order to progress towards Turquoise.

Now that I'm more and more going into Turquoise (still early turquoise/late yellow), the more and more I notice that I simply make decisions without having really thought or pondered upon as to why I am doing it. I am not so afraid anymore as to do the "wrong thing". I have started to understand that peace is not about what is being done, but the relationship you have with yourself and your actions. you drop the judgement, and with dropping the judgement, you drop the fear that you might make a wrong step or a wrong turn. At this point, I've started to realize that there are no wrong turns to make, no wrong actions to be taken. All that is essential, is how my attitude is towards the situations at hand; not the situation itself. Do I take it lightly and gently, or is there a certain anxiety and heaviness surrounding it? Your attitude is all that's truly essential.

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- If one has a greater awareness of systems, how does one ethically use this? It feels a lot like manipulation.

Ethics is an idea. For everything that is regarded as "bad", something "good" or valuable can be found within it. Your mind is not decide what right or wrong is. And if you are manipulating, then simply be manipulating. I'm not going to moralize you here. A true sense of right or wrong comes from your consciousness, not from your mind. Don't be concerned about doing something wrong. Act as you see fit. There's nothing that can truly be done "wrong".

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- How does one feel grounded when one realizes there is no ground? Is grounding necessary? If all beliefs are suspect, then how can one progress through life with such knowledge?

Grounding happens when you are not being dragged along anymore by all the thoughts in the sky. And beliefs can never ground, because they are just clouds, they are just stories in your head. Truth however, certainly grounds. In fact, Truth itself is the ground.

"If all beliefs are suspect, then how can one progress through life with such knowledge".

Why do you need a belief to progress through life? Life is as it is; it does not need your belief. Animals don't bother about beliefs; they live their destiny without any objection. Same for plants. Same for all of life except human kind.

Maybe you wonder how you would make decisions when there are no beliefs left to hold onto anymore. Yellow may be puzzled about this, but Turquoise understands perfectly well. A lack of beliefs does not mean a lack of action. You simply now act from a different center. The head is not the center anymore; the head is not the centre of your decisions anymore. In Turquoise, you may feel inspired to act out decision A one day, and the next day you can act out decision B, which could be the exact opposite of A. Turquoise feels fully free to experiment with life, and it is not concerned about making a right or wrong choice. Turquoise has simply accepted himself as is. He does not need ethics, he does not need morality, he does not need guidelines, he does not need philosophies.

Don't you see? You can just be as you are, you can do whatever you feel like doing, and nothing else more is required! This is the secret that is hidden in plain sight. And the only reason you're not getting it is because you're too trapped in the whirlwind of your mind. But life is a great joke to those who are Turquoise and above, because they see that absolutely nothing is required to float on the river. the river takes care. Those who try to figure out how to float on the river and those who fight against it, they are the ones who drown in it. This is the irony of life.

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- How does one live in the material world when one feels how immaterial it all is?

I can not really provide a "how" to this question. It's hard to define the border between what's "material" and "immaterial" anyways. Why do you need an answer as to how to live in the material word? Live in the material, as you need to live in it for your survival, and at the same time be aware of the immaterial too. See if you can combine the two.

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These questions are on my mind almost constantly now. It's a lot of questions but I think it boils down to the idea that how can one exist in the matrix when one begins to see the code, and others do not seem to. I am not nieve enough to think I see the whole picture yet, by any means, but it's starting to reveal itself and I am terrified.

I'm only 38 and the thought of living another 40-50 years like this seems to be a painful lot. If only I'd learned this stuff later in life. 

 

Going backwards is never an option, remember that. Keep going forward, and keep your inquiry for Truth alive. Despite the fear, know that retaliating and cowering to life's challenges is only going to make things worse. Keep going forward, keep pushing it. There's no need to push it overly hard, but keep going forward. Do not retract into the known and the safe all too often. Know that the unknown is waiting for you, and know that you will need to therefore step into territory which you have never encountered. None of your old tools will help with this, because the new territory can only be charted once the new tools are created.

No, you don't have to live another 40-50 years like this. Not if your thirst is strong enough. Once you get older you wil start entering Turquoise territory. Then you will understand how to drop your complaints towards life, to drop your resistance towards life. Pain and discomfort will still come, but you will start to understand what it means to yield to those passing phenomena, and a certain degree of space between you and the pain will now start to emerge. There will be a certain distance, and you can allow yourself to simply yield to it instead to become it. It will be a different experience.

And when the complaint against life is dropped, life begins.

[Thought immersions; My non-daily journal.]

14th of April

Today I considered...

Fuck it dood. Not in the mood for this.