28 cm unbuffed

@Nahm Thanks man, love you for saying that.

@Nahm There were moments when I was with this girl and I felt urge to hug her, to tickle her etc. Hugging seemed really "needy" move for me - don't get me wrong, our "hello" is hugging each other, just, when I was feeling like it's not going anywhere I felt this desparate urge inside of me to just grab her and not let her go. I really need to look at myself when I have these urges and let things flow naturally I guess. But that's why I did when I first time say "the look", that's why I'm confused. Fear/trauma feeling was too strong to break.

Not sure what is the root cause of mine shadow, I guess it's all oriented around being "adult child of an alcoholic". Fear of intimacy, strong need for love (neediness), jealousy (trust issue towards women), always looking for some "drama" - tendency to choose the "hard way of life", because that's something I experienced as a child to be "normal". I just don't know what root cause of all of this is. I'm having dreams and intuitions about how my emotional body is hurt (unheatlhy lover archetype) and that always brings thoughts like "am I gay or something?" Since I remember, always just before getting together with a girl I liked, I autosabotaged myself. Ps. I considered being gay, like a lot. The fact is - men do not arouse me, the best case is that I might be bisexual but I also doubt that. It's something connected to showing my feelings and being soft, gentle, caring, loving.

@Nahm I stopped smoking cigarettes and weed, drinking alcohol, I became vegetarian, I meditate everyday, take cold showers everyday, read a lot and watch a lot of Youtube videos, I also play subliminal affirmation videos when I'm in work/asleep, I'm also following my intuition like all the time, watching and seeing myself in other people. I work a lot with symbols and signs that Universe brings me. RIght now I'm also doing body opening and emotional cartharsis exercises. I practice yoga and muay thai, I also started to visit sauna more often and I want to get a massage once a month too.

I already did Leo's life purpose course and I got a lot of shit thrown at my face to deal with. I want self development and spirituality to become my purpose and i got all of this "delusions" thrown at my face or at least "that's just my idea". I'm working on myself like all day, everyday. But you're right, days when I do not practice "let go" type of meditiation are when my mind comes with all kind of crazy stories that I believe in.

@Nahm Yeah, great. Anything practical, that can actually help me?

@Nahm @mandyjw guys, do you know any practical steps of how I can integrate this shadow of mine? i'm really sick and tired of it, I really want to start leaving a normal life @Nahm asking your question, i'll send this message to the Universe - 10 is the right answer if I have to get my heart broken to heal it, let it be

At that moment I didn't know it was a test - I just answered, like - I think she felt what I got on my mind (I was thinking about - do I really want to get into serious, maybe going-to-be-a-marriage type of relationship already? Or should I just sleep with at least one girl before that?) . She asked, what is spiritual point of view about monogamy? I told her, that there are souls that are ment to be together (I'm really into esoteric concepts and I think we are Twin Flames) and I answered - there are souls, that if they will get into other relationship, they will only gather bad karma and get away from each other even further. And after that I felt BOOM - strong love energy radiating from her and that look after.

@Nahm When she was sleeping at my place, when I chickened out, I told myself a lie, just not to approach her then. Like @mandyjw said, it might be an avoidance issue. Day after that happened I realised what I've done and my mind came with all of these "fuck, I tricked myself into not approaching again, how I could be so stupid", but this time I decided that I will not let this go just like that and fight. All of these envious thought came up and I started vomiting like crazy. My "self - worth" increased and girl from the past, that I avoided and created this "karmic circle" wrote me, just to say sorry and that it wasn't ok, that she didn't just talk to me and prefered to make me jealous, talking to other guys, just to make me do something. Right now I have the same kind of thoughts, but I have no idea - should i remain calm and not get "triggered" by envy or to become more curious and question everything? I mean - I have no idea if I trust people too much or too little? I think this time I have to stand up and fight, no matter what.

@Nahm What do you mean by "she believes my words, over her own sensation"? I mean - what do you mean by sensation? Right now I'm seeing signs from Universe to work with my emotions. But I'm not sure, what attitude is the best to go about them. You're right, my mind (I) tricked myself, that I have traumas, that I have to work through to go ahead in life, I get it. That's how the way is, isn't it? Going out of victim mentality 101, I had to go through that stage, right? (I know I will fool myself like that until enlightenment and it's all just a game, but still). But right now I don't see them as something that was done "to me", more like something that was "given to me", gifts. I'm just not 100% sure, how to go about my emotions, how to perceive them. Should I just be "neutral" to all of them, not get triggered by "negative" ones and follow the positive ones? Is it possible to live like that 100% of the time? There are still things "you don't like, but you have to do", right? About being vulnerable - I'm getting more conscious about what reality I just prepared for myself - I was projecting the image of this girl cheating on me, because I still had thoughts about other girl in my mind (no idea why her, I saw her one time in my life and she has a boyfriend). I was lustful towards her, that's why I saw "evil, predatory" energy in her eyes. I'm afraid to make a move, and that she will reject me, that she doesn't love me.. because I'm still rejecting myself as I am and I don't fully love myself. About being vulnerable part - yeah, I guess choosing 10 is a right choice, I just hope I will have some mercy towards myself. And yeah - I know that, whatever happens is for my good, but fuck man, I'm afraid. I'm adult child of an alcoholic - that's a lot of baggage to handle. But I hope for the best.

@Nahm I experienced so much shit the last 3 years of my life, that I would love just to end all of this drama and start leaving peaceful, "ikigai" type of life from now. I'm really fucking tired. But at the same time I don't know if it's not something I will regret to the end of my life. More and more I feel like all of this "movie-like" events, heartbreaks is all just stupid, childish, drama-quenn stuff. I feel it's based on ego. But I'm not sure about that and maybe me not wanting to be vulnerable is ego? Ps. Of course it is. But at the same time "path to enlightenment should be joyful and peaceful", right? I'm confused.

@Nahm I know exactly what you mean man. If I'll tell you 10/10 - then I will experience biggest heartbreak of my life and it will be so traumatic, that at the same time it will heal me. And it will lead me to meet 10/10 love after. Am I right?

So, as I mentioned, right now I'm doing "emotional cartharsis" exercises and here's what happened yesterday. As I also mentioned, she told me about manliness archetypes, King, Warrior, Magician and Lover. She sent me a video about a movie, where a guy wasn't loved by his mother and he became ruthless gangster, where deep down in his hearth he was emotional (and even gay). After watching that, I had a dream, where a friend of mine wanted to hug me and I was like: "no, no, no, get off me, leave me alone". For a second I was thinking "am I gay too?", but after that I realized - that's exactly what happened between me and my mother - I remember clearly a situation, where I asked my mother, if I can hug her and she refused, where I saw friend of mine being huged by his mother and it made me sad. So - when I was doing the exercise, creature inside of me took over control, or more like - I did let it to take control too see what it is. For a moment I was feeling like: And it was super angry. I felt like killing someone just to get what I want is nothing hard, it's pleasure. I started gasping like a "predatory, evil animal" that I mentioned earlier. It was all inside of me. I still feel this evil spirit/energy in me, it comes and gives me these thoughts where I'm getting cheated on by this girl. My soul gave me 3 things/sings, that I have to experience in order to go further in my journey: - A door, where something is happening and I really want to check what's going on behind that door. I think it's a "trust issue" test. My mother's karma is that she got cheated on and every relationship she got into was "fear based", that she will lose that someone anyways and she got cheated on after 25 years of relationship. I have the same kind of experiences, a lot of them. My intuition tells me that I will hear "sex noises" behind that door and I will have to trust, that's just my imagination and test, that nothing is happening and that I have to trust that girl. What is more interesting - this girl's mother got in a relationship with other guy, just to make her husband jealous. That's why I'm even more afraid of that happening. It's some kind of twin flame - karmic connection between us. - A girl touching my dick - and my hand getting her hand and not letting her to do it - no idea what that means, but I know I have a strong urge to get together with some other girl (autosabotage, just before the finish line) - Getting into a fight with some guy - I'm not sure what that means either - I think it's the same issue as with her father - mother relationship - he should be more of "a man" and fight for his wife and not let her to do these kind of things with other man. Universe gave me very interesting story and i think it's some kind of ending of the karmic circle. At least I hope so.

Ps. About the feeling i got - why did it feel so "evil", never felt so much dark, predatory energy my entire life.

@mandyjw Thank you a lot. I'll try my best to do that. Peace

Dude, that's some high quality post you just wrote, I'm really impressed. Is there anything more then "letting things flow naturally"/"going with the flow"/"let go" I can do? Every time I meet her I just shake inside like crazy, pretending I'm calm and gucci. When I met her last time it was like 20 minutes straight when I had to let go of myself fully and go into Self to survive these feelings, just watching whole situation from a "third person perspective". Also, my mind comes with all kinds of stories why it will all go to hell and not happen after. Ps. sorry for calling you "a dude", I just saw your channel girl

It's really interesting what you just said. When I met her yesterday she was telling me, that right now she is reading a book about manliness archetypes and it got me curious. I don't know much about them yet and I'm not sure which one I am, maybe that's what you are talking about. Also - I think she has wild sexual fantasies (I do too) and I'm afraid I can't satisfy her?

@Gili Trawangan it's not about redpill perspective, it's about general perspective towards life you can never stop working on yourself, self-development is a life-long journey the moment you stop evolving, you start to go backwards, that's how life works, either you accept it or not

@Gili Trawangan because men are getting too comfortable with a women and after getting "da pussy" and stable job, they are starting to think that their life is done and they can stabilize and don't do shit and they can just go to work, chill and fuck after don't get me wrong, there are women that are like that too, but one of the biggest motivation for men is to attract hot women and that's also the main reason, why most men get in the self-development in the first place - to get the pussy @Finland3286 yeah dude, there are "normal" women out there, that don't need to fuck with a bunch of dudes or find some wealthy guy to get her fulfilled there are women out there, that are just good people, just like you are good guy (i do not mean "nice/beta guy", don't confuse these two) rule of thumb - never, ever prioritize woman, and eventually women will come into your life and when they come - don't get into a trap of prioritizing them - do your own shit and let a women be a "nice addition" to your life, while treating her the best you can, loving her and just function as a team, two people, that complement each other about red pill - there is a lot of good stuff in it, but it's all based on primal needs and our animalistic nature, you can learn from that and use it, but never make it your main agenda, or you will get stuck with low, primitive consciousness state women that just need to fullfill their primal needs to be happy and they are pretty much done

@Aquarius Great job and beautiful picture, keep it up dude!

@milii Hey man, I'm having the exact same problem and it's getting better now. I'll tell you what I'm doing right now, to get rid of that trauma: - got rid of cigarettes, alcohol, weed (weed is good if you are on a lower levels and you need something to relax you, but after some time it stresses you and gets you paranoid more than anything, but that's just my experience), - meditating everyday, "let go" type of meditation, first - think about someone cheating on you, then "breathe that thougths in", hold them for some time and then "breathe them out". Your thoughts will become more and more "subtle", - emotional catharsis exercises (aka self-exorcisms): 1. Hyperventilate yourself (f.e. Wim Hof breathing), 2. Let your body do whatever it wants to do (if you want to jump - jump, if you want to make moves like fucking someone - do it), it realeases your repressed emotions, it's some kind of "exorcism" you can do on yourself, 3. Let your mouth say whatever it wants, even if it doesn't make sense and it's all gibberish, it doesn't matter if you are saying words or just "asdnkjansdznk", 4. Lay down and "let go", give your energy away, get rid of it, even if it's symbolic, it still helps (placebo effect). - drink CBD, which will help you relax, - exercise everyday to release tension from your body. Hope it helps and you'll get rid of it, I know it's really frustating. Good luck!

@Conscious life you are already enlightened, you just don't know it yet after enlightenement everything remains the same, you never existed it's all perfect as it is, you can just become conscious of it

@JayFueel Great job with finding your purpose. Good luck, have fun, become legendary!

probably, i saw something similar in power vs force book it doesn't matter that much, but still, being aware of what type of emotions are creating your thoughts is crucial imo like - content of your thougths is useless garbage, you have to know the context emotions are always beyond logic and they are true guide on this path

@Alex bliss i have no idea, because i didn't reach it lol, so I can't tell you for sure just like Leo and anyone in this topic but, from what I've heard - every path is different, yeah, that's for sure, because we are all different and it's a silly question tbh but what is more - there are the same steps that you have to go through to reach it for everyone, like, let's say - if you want to learn to run you have to learn to walk first, everyone learns this in a different way and in a different time, but still, we can all learn to run (you know what I mean) also, check these out: https://imgur.com/a/z6t4psC