Preety_India

I feel a deep sense of loneliness. It bites me. I feel like I am lost in this sea of people.. I feel extremely lonely. The feeling is very close to one experiences while going through death It's like dying slowly. It can be a killer. Sometimes I feel like it's better if I die than suffer this loneliness. It feels like I'm staring into Hollowness and it eats me slowly. How can I describe this feeling with an example? I feel like I am trapped inside a deep hole and I'm screaming and nobody can hear. And without food I'm slowly dying. So I'm screaming as loudly as I can and still nobody can hear me and I'm all alone. That's the feeling I get everyday.

Chayne Rupert Wilbur Reece Mae'rr Trenton they all love me deeply.

Maybe these characters will give me the emotional support i need to overcome my difficulties.

Now I'm complete with all of my characters and I feel full. All these characters appear at different points in my life and give me what I want. Chayne I love you Rupert I love you Wilbur I love you Reece I love you Mae'rr I love you Trenton I love you ....... I'm a deeply vulnerable person. ................ All these men are irresistible to me. I find them attractive..

So I created a list of imaginary characters.. Reece. Wilbur Trenton (special) Chayne. Rupert . Chayne Rupert Wilbur Ricky Reece Mae'rr Ricky is removed from the list. He is like a brother to me. So the final list of imaginary characters 1 Chayne 2 Rupert 3 Wilbur 4 Reece 5 Mae'rr 6 Trenton How do each of these characters inspire me? Chayne wants me to be soft docile, polite, and easy going. He is the poet, the emotional sentimental guy. My refuge in all of my problems. He brings out my soft femininity. He is my Swedish lover. My relationship with Chayne is a bit platonic and non sexual. With Chayne its more about writing romantic love poetry and letters. But it's a thick emotional bond. It's sentimental and I deeply love Chayne. Rupert in every way is the classic good husband. No fuss. He understands every part of me. He analyzes me deeply. Wilbur wants me to be a strong matured woman who is wise and responsible.. Reece Reece is a psycho obsessed stalker lover who likes to play pranks on me, but he wants me to be extremely submissive and obedient. Reece is the negging type, he makes me beg, and then he keeps me tied up in this constant sexual tension, bad boy Mae'rr is a dominating tyrant asshole. He loves to force me to show him affection. He is like a boss, he is sexually aggressive. Although I don't really love him, he is very protective of me in a patriarch kinda way. He expects duty and loyalty. He can be strict. Trenton is a hot guy. I mean hot tempered and passionate like me.. He fights a lot and loves me hard.

I'm eating an Irish coffee cake right now. Hmm. OK. Would you rather want me to get too needy and fall in love with some predator or rapist and suffer his atrocities and abuse? Wouldn't it be better if I fall in love with an honorable man, marry him and live with him as his wife and settle with him and be done with all my unfulfilled emotional/sexual needs? You don't understand my needs. My body is a body. It has hunger. Emotional hunger. Sexual hunger. I can't neglect that or repress it anymore than it already is. I have a psychological disorder that is associated with bonding deficiency. If I had a Vit C deficiency, you would prescribe me Vit C pills. I have a bonding deficiency because I have been deprived of a human bond for so many years through my childhood and adult life. It's ridiculous for a person to go on living like a lonely broken soul. I'm a young girl. I have needs. It might seem absurd that I'm needy. But then given the context of my childhood, you would know that I was neglected all my life. I was forever deprived of any love. When we are kids, we need our parent's love. When we are grown, we need the love of a friend/partner/spouse. This is just human. Those who suppress this, they probably do not want the obligations of a relationship or probably only want casual sex or fwb or whatever, I don't judge that. But I need to bond and I need a healthy bond. It's important for my mental health. I'm just trying to make you understand why human bonding is so important to someone like me who has a psychological disorder.

You know sometimes his hot temper makes me horny actually, a cute secret.. Only Trenton understands me, and my craziness.

I'm Trenton's princess.. I imagine me and Trenton having hot sex for hours. He makes me so horny. I'm his little princess. And we fight sometimes. But then we make up. He does have a temper and he can lose his cool at me easily. But he is just as passionate as I am.

@RickyFitts I'm pisces.

Whats your zodiac?

Ok now I know Trenton 's role. Assigned.. Trenton is that guy..... Yo Miss L male version. Omg this is gonna be hot.. I always thought that the male version of her would be super super sexy hot. I'm already wet and squealing =he taught me that word ya know.. Trenton lol, we're gonna fight so hard and fuck so hard, who knew? Trenton is the one that I go back to for a joint every damn time, my addiction. He is sweet as sugar and then sharp as a knife Is he my soulmate ultimately. He called me crazy bitch. But he is ready to put up with me still. He is as intense as I am. He reminds me of Nick Carter from The Backstreet Boys yo that character. He got Spunk. And he flips out on me. That makes him even sexier. Ya know if I see a guy acting intense around me, I get subdued automatically. I turn into a sweet sexy princess. See this is the thing about my chemistry with men. If I get angry, I don't want him to get upset or walk away. I want him to fucking rage at me in full speed. And flip out at me and challenge my supremacy. Own me. Own me. Own me. Especially when I'm angry, just own me. That's the right time you get to display your masculinity in full bloom. Slap me hard. Spank me. Get angry at me. Conquer my anger instead of letting me dominate That's why I like the bad guys more. Because good guys can't handle my anger. You gotta handle a woman. You gotta own my pussy instead of letting me pussyfoot around.

No. It was your love. There's nothing secondary about it. It's primary. It's the most primal and primary thing. It's my drug. I need it. I get withdrawals. And no I'm no sex addict. Don't mistake me for a Sex addict. I just need a genuine connection. I can describe my state in this song right now Your babe just wants sex and love....(preferably from... Dare I say it)

No no no no no no... See this is the reason I don't believe in non duality. Spirituality is non negotiable for me as well. I'm deep into spirituality myself, just not non duality. I can't deny how I feel because I feel it. That would be denial to reject how I feel. Deep down I know I want someone to love me. That would make me complete. Because that's how I feel. This is not a flippant thing. It's not airy fairy. How come you don't see this. Look at Leo's reply to my thread? He talks about self love. And other-love. You totally diminish the role of other-love. Self love, I know all that, self love is good.. OK? This is the reason I don't believe non duality.

I wished my imaginary character Rupert would fuck me deeply. Chayne was always the sweet one, not the dominating one. Ricky - unassigned.. I don't know the vibe here to be honest. Reece - this one is special. Mae'rr - this one is a strong one. Like I said before. Men are like flavors of coffee. Each one comes with a different flavor. All flavors are good equally but you gotta keep a few for your personal favorite. I always needed someone like Rupert to ground me. And Wilbur of course. So the characters are decided Chayne Rupert Wilbur Ricky Reece Mae'rr

But I need male companionship, that's for sure. I've been addicted to men for a while now and it has only gotten better with time. My choice of boyfriends getting sharper and better.. I will never choose men who were like my first two boyfriends. Nah. That's not happening. I won't waste my time with someone who is always draining my energy. I have moved on and I have moved on a shit ton. I need to get this aspect of my life handled. So yea at the end of the day I need male energy in my life. But I need it strategically. The problem with dominating males is that I can't tame them but at the same time they are very attractive. My idea of an ideal man doesn't fit in with the real world. See that's the problem I need an extremely masculine man or else I don't get turned on But masculine men can be a bit flighty. That's hard to handle. So what do I need from a man A deep sexual connection A deep mental connection A deep emotional connection A deep physical connection A deep spiritual connection

I'm somewhat like that.

Yea this kind of mental connection is what I was looking for. Anyways what's the conclusion here. That fundamentally I crave male physical affection. And that's why all this? But sometimes I feel like the man that I truly Desire can only exist in dreams. That male love and affection is just a mirage, an idea sold on women so that women should hang on to men. In the end all good things come to an end.

Yea I'm sweet like sugar. I'm sugar and honey All I can say is that the pain has subsided a bit Girl go have fun with guys. I only wanted sex with him, not love. But maybe deep down I wanted some bit. Confusing Sometimes I'm a bit too sweet. I'm a forest girl. I'm buttercup. I'm sugar. I'm honey. I'm sunflower. I'm cupcake. Don't eat me too much or else you will get Diabetes..

The most beautiful thing that I experienced is that the more I trust men the more I'm able to know who is into me. This trust is what caused me to always want men no matter all the bad experiences. Deep down I had this hunger to be with a man. Being with a man is a beautiful thing. Just holding his arm and laying my head on his shoulders and listening to his romantic fantasies about me. It's the most beautiful thing. I'm deeply romantic and I want to show this side to my man in the future. I think he expressed his deepest desire when he told me that my pussy belongs to him. Aww.. That was sweet. But in another world. My trust with men is gradually improving. On a mental level I feel better around men now. I think deep down I simply crave for a man's affection very deeply. I want to feel loved. Not just self love. Like Leo said, other love. I'm surprised how Leo understands and scans my mind so quickly. It's a feat. He says exactly the stuff that's going on in my mind. You know even my 4th boyfriend used to do that. In fact we used to have matches where we would predict who's gonna guess what's on the other person's mind and at least 8 out of 10 he was right..

A man's domination can get me turned on. Really quick. My perception towards men has shifted radically. Now I love men. I used to look at men negatively after my first two breakups because I wasn't happy with them and their dismissive unaffectionate uncaring nature towards me. They didn't want a genuine connection with me But after some of the recent encounters I realized that not all men are this way. Some really want to bond with you. So it's not just about getting into your pants. They want to be emotionally and mentally connected. My trust with men is gradually improving.

My biggest fantasy was to be fucked in the forest. Yup. Yippy. I felt so nice. I felt good. Mmm. I feel very horny whenever I think of a guy just pushing me on to the bed. And holding me down. It's a fleeting feeling but it's the most beautiful feeling. Why do I feel so strong in that moment? Is it the domination I'm giving into? Is it my own vulnerability? But I feel weak and conquered and my orgasms are pretty strong in those scenarios.

So what happened next? I felt sexual for Joseph for a while after which it kinda fizzled due to reasons I'm not going to mention here. Those are some private things But it was just the beginning. This was the time that I was Going to grow sexually and be in touch with it like never before and grow some maturity around it. Then came another guy in my life, a white guy and he changed everything. It was after a week of dating him and he began to encourage me to act out my fantasies at least share those with him. So I told him without inhibition. I told him my rape fantasies. I talked about rough sex, bdsm and spanking. He agreed to all of that in fact he had his own set of fetishes. One of those was to tie him up and I should do things to him. And that was amazing. I felt soooooooooooooooooo happy. This was the first time I wasn't feeling guilty anymore. I wanted him to fuck me in the forest, deep in the forest and he was ready for it. He was passionate with me.

Am I deluded? Am I smart? Am I crazy/flippant? Am I Mad? Or am I both? I guess I'm more crazy than I'm mad. ..... Anyway these characters are a Doorway into who I am. Sex can make you tired. Even being horny for long periods of time makes me very tired. That's a huge disadvantage. But it is healing and curative. What turns me on? A guy who tries to steal me. From myself. I'm deeply introverted. And morning I was thinking about how introversion can actually cure me. It is one thing that will help. Being introverted makes me crave intimacy. Because I'm sexually repressed? I kept my feelings hidden for so long in fact I wasn't even in touch with them. I did not even explore my feelings. I always shamed myself for any sexual thoughts. I think a huge part of this reason was my second ex boyfriend Mr Bud. He was notorious. He was a freak. He would show me porn videos that I never liked. ( I have rape fantasies but rape fantasy is just rough sex, being tied up,nothing more) So his stuff was weird. Once he said that he would pass me around and that angered me. I think that's where I stopped talking about sex with him because I saw no point in encouraging sex with him. Probably that created a negative image of Sex in my mind. Bud was an Indian guy and I stopped dating Indian guys at that point. Because I was always "virgin" shamed in these relationships. They wanted me to be sexual but at the same time every time I wanted to open up sexually I was made to feel like a slut. That further repressed me.. Made me feel like I wasn't supposed to talk about sex, it was some kind of a taboo. I remember one day I wore red lipstick while going to the hospital. And Bud was with me and on the way he whispered into my ears, "you look like a whore." I was like wtf. "you shouldn't wear that red lipstick." And I got defiant and told him, "I can do whatever the fuck I want." I broke up with Bud because he was so controlling. He never made me feel sexy Every time I tried to open up sexually with him, he would make it sound like I'm a whore. It was difficult because all I wanted was normal sex that happens between couples. But Bud had no problem talking about gangrape yet I was the whore??? The sexism and hypocrisy was driving me crazy. I had to fight him off.. It was always competitive. He would never fulfill me. He would make it me versus him all the time. Like if I needed sex he would deliberately push me away. It was all about him. I think he became a major source of my sexual anxiety So thanks to Bud, I could never think positive about sex.. The real transformation came with Joseph the American boyfriend. He did it for me. He told me to open up. He told me things he would do to me. Things that Bud never said he would. There was a huge difference. I felt sexually liberated for the first time. I felt powerful. I felt good.. I orgasmed all night with Joseph like almost 3 times in a row. I was drenched wet. Joseph was encouraging me and sexualizing me like sexing me up.. I did not feel bad for being horny or wet. This was the first time. I did not feel guilt or frustration. It was pure surrender and it was soft. I was just laying in bed feeling absolutely taken and owned by Joseph. This was the first time I actually enjoyed the feeling.

Is there an urgent quick method to recover memory that is declined/lost due to depression?

I think people's sexual preferences vary vastly I have to develop my own.. What turns me on. I need to explore that.