Preety_India

deep-connections celebrating-the-good-parts-of-life

@Someone here not at the moment. But I struggled with this in the past. Like I couldn't talk to the guys I was with. I mostly stayed silent. They were the talkative ones.

I'm an INFJ-T. Can you explain me this in another way please

Compatibility is not the issue though. I already screen for compatibility. I can never be with people who are not on my level mentally. Like I said it's not about me doing something wrong. It's me being treated shitty. And no I was not even acting needy. It's just that you figure out in the end it wasn't worth it. Because they were just duping me all the time. But it's hard to figure out their intentions in the beginning. Compatibility was not the issue.

Again assumption assumption.. It seems like you guys want to criticize me for nothing. I never said to anyone "let's just be friends." The friendship existed for more than a year and there was enough social lubrication in that. I was made to feel like everything was going absolutely fine and then one day they suddenly acted weird and I realized that I was merely a pawn. That's what broke my heart. So spare me your assumptions. I'm not going around begging people for friendships. There was absolutely no awkwardness, only me feeling dumped in the end after all the smooth talking. And of course I figured the whole pawn thing when I connected all the dots and realized I was only used for convenience. No friendships don't have to start as convenience. Maybe your pov. Not my pov. I don't need your ruthless stage orange pov. There are people who start innocent friendships too. Stop gaslighting me.

I feel like only a supernatural force can help me.. I feel completely helpless.

A long story.....

@Consept I want nothing. I just wanted to relate and see what others wanted to say that I could gain something from.. Now go

@Consept you are straight up made this assumption that I'm putting people off. But you never addressed the reasons I was stating why these friendships were unhealthy in my perspective That's why I don't have harmony with you. Because you straight up invalidate my perspective.

@Consept is not everyone being the problem and I can't say that I don't need to work on my issues. But sometimes we are friends with people even if they got issues? I already told you that I didn't want to be used. What's so hard about this? Im not objectively saying that they are bad not trying to demonize them but recognizing and avoiding behaviors of other people is always beneficial to my growth or should I just stay stuck with such people? Don't I deserve better? This is like telling a person in a toxic relationship that it's always their fault? Have you thought about the possibility that maybe it's not their fault and it has more to do with their inability to recognize such patterns? That recognition itself is a first step?

@Consept I think what I'm talking about is a friendship of convenience. Fair weather friends. Generally these people are users, manipulators, psychopaths, narcissists, feeders, predators, opportunists, covert, cold, machiavellian.

Nope. It just that people aren't too invested and I'm more invested than them. I'm generally the faithful one in the friendship. However they only want it short term as long as they have some need and post that they are goodbye Now I have understood that there's no point in such friendships. I'm simply serving their needs and I'm done being their doormat. Some people used me for money. Some people used me as a dumping bag. Some people used me for emotional support. Some people used me because they needed me for some time whatever their particular need in that time was. I thought they were my friends. But nope. They simply needed me around for some purpose. Not because they truly wanted me. I wanted them though. And I didn't want them for any need because I never asked them for anything, I simply wanted them to be a friend. So what's the point if I want them to be a genuine friend whereas they only want to have me around for a need. So they don't need me anymore or their needs are fulfilled, they simply dump me? So I kinda feel like I don't need to be someone's bitch anymore. I'm sick and tired that I'm always the provider, the Empathizer, the supporter, the giver, the truster. I'm sick of being leeched off. I want genuine friendships and not temporary contracts of assistance. I think if I stop seeking, searching, wanting or giving then maybe genuine people will themselves approach me and stick around and they will have nothing to gain from me so they will actually be with for the right reasons and those who want something from me will automatically fall off the grid because they will have nothing to leech me off for so they will automatically leave of their own. My condition is that of a rich man who is constantly dealing with goldiggers. Maybe if he stops giving money there will be no goldiggers? I should stop giving people(friends) what they need and then see if they stick around???? It's like the saying that goes, if you give an inch, they take a mile.

This is also a reason why Western society is crumbling. The traditional family values have taken a back seat. AMERICAN society back in 1940s was all about courtship with a woman, marry her, get her pregnant, build a white picket fence, a dog and a cat and the setup is complete. This was rigid STAGE BLUE. it was somewhat safe for women. Although some aspects were bad, overall needs of a woman were met. Then came a poison that poisoned everything. That poison is called FEMINISM AND SEXUAL FREEDOM. THE GREATEST POISON. Now feminism was good as long as women wanted to work. But with sexual freedom it became easy for men to simply have whatever women they wanted. In a way feminism helped men more than it helped women. So men basically could fuck a woman and not worry about consequences. She became a single mother a phenomenon that became a widespread cancer starting from the 80s and 90s. Stage Blue culture of marriage, wife, children and conservative family values was fast getting outdated. And then came the next poison - PORN with that came the end of Femininity. Absolute and total. Now men had something that would replace the need for a woman, just keep jerking. The successful butchering of womanhood happened and the bastardization of relationships too as a bonus. Western values fastly spread like cancer throughout the world. Men didn't want marriage anymore. Marriage was seen as unwanted. A burden. An unnecessary thing. With that came the gradual slow decline of Western Society and other societies followed suit. Now it was easy to game women. GAME GAME GAME GAME GAMEEEEEE. Now a woman was seen as an object of game. She was sexually free. Women were constantly encouraged to be sexually free. Have a ton of boyfriends, cock carousels, casual sex, fun fun fun fun dumb... Freedumb Men began to use women rather than have a family with them. At least in my country it was super easy to just get a gf. All you had to do was say "girl I love you and I'll marry you" bait line and she will/would fall for it. Many girls like me would get approached, gamed and then dumped very quickly after being used. Then the man would move on to the next woman. He would have a girlfriend for a few years and she finds out that he is not committed he immediately dumps her and finds another woman to game. This is a regular trend in my city now. Lot of women get involved with these men with a prospect that these men (or under the pretext of the guy promising to marry the woman) would marry them only to feel duped and scammed by these men. The women don't want a relationship, they are looking for a husband, commitment and marriage. The guy is taking advantage of a sexually free culture to convince her that it's okay to have sex before marriage and letting her know that he will marry her and then just playing the waiting game knowing that one day she will find out his plot.. The same happened to me with Mr Bud. I had already made it clear to him that if I ever wanted a relationship it has to lead to marriage, I'm not interested in casual relationships. He said to me "I'll marry you Preety" And when my family began serious talks about marriage with him, he ran away..

Then one day he began telling me about how he wanted to experiment certain sex positions with me that I felt uncomfortable about. I did not feel good about it. Somehow there was always an aspect of exploitation in everything he used to say

I think Mr Bud always told me that he will never take sexual advantage of me. That he was a great guy. One thing he would always do is boast about how decent and nice he was and that I could always trust him no matter what. In hindsight this was a big red flag that I ignored. Then one day Mr Bud sent me a drive that contained a video and he told me to watch on my computer. So I did. He was pissing me off and forcing me since morning to watch the video.. And I finally complied. Back then I was a very non judgemental kind of a person so I never really anticipated anything bad. And I was extremely compliant in the relationship. Submissive you can say Then I watched the whole video. It was like a porn movie being sadistically sexually exploited by a group of men and every powerful man taking advantage of her. Towards the end I felt disgusted. I felt my womanhood humiliated. I called him up. (and you know my bpd anger clock was ticking). I asked him straight up = "what the fuck is that? That's the most obnoxious disgusting thing I had watched" He went into panic. He immediately tried to calm me down and told me that it wasn't anything serious. "Preety it's just porn. Calm down. It's no big deal. I thought you would enjoy it. It was sexy." And I fired back at him, (underneath all my jolliness I was a fiesty girl.. No guy could ever do anything to me that I wouldn't want to happen. I had that grit. He had underestimated me by a huge degree. I was simply obedient and compliant to him out of my love for him, but I wasn't going to comply to something that my mind perceived as dirty. So I told him, "fuck off.. I don't consider this to be pleasurable. This was exploitation of a woman by a group of men. How is this supposed to be enjoyable. This was downright fucked up. Next time never send me such videos" For the first time in the relationship I was deeply troubled. I felt suspicious. What sort of a man was I dating? Why was I dating a man who was okay with women being exploited? I still did not take whatever he did too seriously. I dismissed it as him acting immature and let go. In hindsight I should have never ignored red flags but back in those days, I was so much into being forgiving and generous with my trust, that deep down I could never imagine him as a bad guy. He was great at manipulating me. Out of all my lovers he was the most manipulative.

Emotional predation and sexual predation Why was I so dumb? Why was I so dumb? Why was I so dumb? What's the point of beating myself up? What's the point of beating myself up? What's the point of beating myself up? Let go Let go Let go Remember there is no justification for my stupidity Remember there is no justification for my stupidity Remember there is no justification for my stupidity I was stupid and there should not be any shame in admitting this. I was stupid and there should not be any shame in admitting this. I should confront my past stupidity if I want a better future I should confront my past stupidity if I want a better future I should confront my past stupidity if I want a better future I think my sexual repression began with my second boyfriend. Mr Bud. He was fundamentally responsible for this. I think back then when I was in a relationship with him, I was the average dumb naive girl I was not so depressed as I'm now. I was a very happy go lucky childishly innocent jolly girl. You could tell me almost anything and I wouldn't have judged. Not even bat an eyelid. So Mr Bud offered me a ride home. And he began to take keen interest in me. He would flirt with me constantly. At first I didn't think much of it but as time went on, I began to feel like he cares about me. He had been flirting with me for months. He would act like he was helping me by doing me little favors. Finally one day he scribbled on a piece of paper that he loves me. I was enamored by his attention to every little detail of my life. He called me upstairs to meet him and when I went there he stood next to me and then instantly grabbed me and kissed me. I felt a bit nonchalant. I didn't get any sexual feelings. I stood there like a statue, completely frozen not knowing what to do. After that he told me to meet him in a park where he touched my butt. He would grab me and drag me to a place away from people and kiss me there. At first everything felt normal. I didn't suspect anything. This went for a few months.

I feel like some supernatural entity is helping me.. Maybe it will. Like kali?

I don't even care about my family supporting me. They are all a bunch of evil cowards. They will never support me. They don't even call me. I don't like my mom. I feel helpless. I wish she would just die and I would get freedom from this miserable life. She has preyed on me emotionally for too long. I hope she suffers the worst death. It's because of her I don't feel like doing anything.. It's her because of whom I lost the will to live life. God will never forgive her. Her abuse and her torture. I feel helpless.

I feel there is no hope. My suicidal feelings are showing up again The urge to self harm is very strong. I tried to cope but today is a bad day again I feel like I lost all hope.

I feel trapped again. I can't explain my pain. I can't explain what's happening with me. I feel tired and grumpy. My emotional state is a mess.

the more we love, it becomes impossible to keep having bad thoughts, especially concerning others when we feel in direct connection,in telepathy with everyone. when we feel the electric grid, every thought, intent is a vibration that is shared with all the reality of thoughts hit me when I think a though about someone I know I am not in my head anymore, amidst this electrical grid I am focusing vibrations towards a being, and if its a bad thought its just as good as a psychic punch love for others make certain thoughts intolerable, love makes it so that it becomes nearly instinctual to surpress most thoughts a love that is activated with the realization that thoughts are real, as real as the rain and the sun,they have an effect on everyone, strangers,friends,family, we are psychic beings, energy, electric thoughts have real workings behind the curtain of the physical shade everything that happens now is making now happen

I slept off and my anger subsided.

Then what's your deal with using lube?

I'm in a bad mood right now. I feel angry at the universe I feel angry about everything.