Preety_India

hour ago, unborn_chicken said: Hey Preety. Why do you hang around people like that at all? Are you comfortable being alone? I am comfortable being alone but I feel like if i had to remove such people from my life, the only option left would be to live alone. Because majority of people I meet are like this. 20 minutes ago, unborn_chicken said: Do you develop relationships with people that can appreciate how you naturally are? I am yet to find such people. 20 minutes ago, unborn_chicken said: Also what kind of people are you comparing yourself with? Do you admire those people? I don't admire them.. But they represent society. I wish society wasn't so status oriented. 20 minutes ago, unborn_chicken said: And why a loser? In what areas of your life do you feel you're not winning?, And are you in control of winning or losing in those things? Just some questions... I don't earn as much as they do. They are wealthier than me. Some of these people I went to university with. But most of them are just from well to do families. I was the only one among them who came from a poor family. I always felt a sense of inferiority around them because they would talk about spending money on parties and I could not do that but it's not like I wanted it, yet in society when you are poorer than others, it obviously generates feelings of inferiority On top of feeling inferior(because of poverty), and a loser, I also feel like a Sucker, because these people get to whine about their silly issues like boyfriend/girlfriend troubles and drama meanwhile I struggle with real problems and if i share those, then their reaction is a condescending pity. But they use me to release their hot mess on me, I feel suckered in, like a dumb idiot, or a fool who is being used for their purposes. I noticed that most people who ever want to have a connection with me, only do so because they need something out of me, like a slave, they want me to do favors, they want me to do this, do that, give them something like my time or resources. If I have a book, they want that book. They want something all the time. Yet they appreciate others who don't even do anything for them. On their social media pages they mention other friends who they consider valuable but not me. If there's a party I am invited to, I am never asked for a drink or appreciated, yet their friends are appreciated who are simply appreciated for who they are? But then why not me? Yet when they need something, anything at all, they don't go to the friends they so generously appreciate, instead they come to me. Why?? Because I'll help them? Or because they don't feel ashamed with me. And is that because they think I'm lower than them so they don't see me as a threat? I find these social games stupid because I demand the same level of appreciation that others get. Why should they deserve all the appreciation and me nothing? And when in times of need, i am being used as their personal assistant or doormat?? I'm supposed to act like a therapist to them and give them emotional support, advice and spend a lot of time and effort and energy on them. And what's the end result. Me being treated like a non existent entity when it comes to appreciation. Am I this bad that nobody can like me for who I am? Can I only be liked if I fulfill someone's needs? I'm such a fun person. And still people only like me if they find me useful for their work or else they turn away. I am so done feeling like a loser and a Sucker on top of it. Like i deserve respect and appreciation too. This is not like seeking validation. I'm not looking for validation. I am looking for equal treatment. For respect. So what's the reason why they don't respect me but respect and appreciate others who don't even help? Because they think I'm inferior or poor or undeserving?

I feel like a loser all the time. How should I cope with this feeling? I compare myself with others and I feel like a zero. Like they have semi perfect lives whereas I'm struggling. Yea stage orange stuff. Feels like I'm in a wrong place. I feel alone, discarded and humiliated. My friends who are doing well tend to talk condescendingly so I don't talk to them. I never feel respected around people. In my past relationships I felt like being taken advantage of. I feel emotional but I'm unable to deeply explore these emotions. Like I can't place a finger on what's exactly upsetting me. Whenever I meet new people, it's usually ends up me turning into a mockery, a doormat, me being used and then promptly dumped when they're done with me. Is this because they look down on me and that's why treat me badly? I feel like people play social games and I can't keep up with that. I try to fit in but feel like I don't align or get along with all this Stage Orange Society Prestige mindset. I'm just too natural, too free spirited and too real to care about social and egoic behaviors. I like to be by myself cocooned into my own space. If I mix with people, they discuss wealth, status which I don't like. They want to show off. "I'm doing better than you" mindset. That makes me feel displaced and more like an outcast and loser.. I don't like competition and competitive people because I don't see realness in it, it feels cheap, shallow, inorganic, materialistic, un-spiritual, unloving, mean and competitive. I find it unempathetic, "VANITY FAIR," and fake. I look at such people with scorn or disgust because they are so superficial and not having the depth I have. Also I find them mean and contemptuous and condescending which makes me feel very insecure and vulnerable around them, constantly feeling like I have to prove something or compete with them to keep up. Meanwhile they get to be special. When they look at me, I feel like they're pitying me. And I absolutely hate their pitying language which feels like empty hollow empathy and just fake hospitality. It feels like behind it they are glad I'm not doing well or simply feeling better at my expense. When I confront them about how I hate superficial things like expensive vacations or shopping, they hate my guts. I feel like I have turned into a joke for them to spit at. When they talk to me I feel manipulated and taken advantage of and it feels like behind all that talk they secretly whisper -" what a dumb girl?" I feel like they absolutely lack empathy on my level and have a complete disregard for my feelings and love to talk about their petty problems when my own problems are so big and severe and their problems are more like soap opera type drama where they don't have to deal with shit. Yet I constantly feel like they take advantage of my empathy. Like even If I tell them that I have serious stuff to deal with, they come back again and coerce me into talking with them because nobody else will deal with their whining. Or they see me as a safe bet because they don't feel threatened egoically with me, as though a rich mistress is discussing her petty drama with her servant maid, that's how I get treated. And then when I talk about my problems, they immediately wrap up by showing some pity like - "oh, I'm so sorry.." like it doesn't matter that I'm having bigger problems to deal with meanwhile they are complaining about broken glass and brawls in their parties. I feel mocked and used around such people. Later they simply ignore me if I want to text or hang out. Everything is always all about them and their petty daily drama, they aren't crying tears yet they want to pretend like their whole world is collapsing in 2 minutes. Very narcissistic. They use me as their emotional tampon and their issues are so flimsy and trivial. I totally feel like a joke. Sad joke kind of way. When I ask them how their life is, they tell me it's fun and they are attending another party yet just a few days before they were whining and crying how their whole life was so miserable and awful. Which is a total lie because after all the whining they're focused on expensive self indulgence and enjoying their lives as usual. They dont share their problems with other people who are doing well, because then it suddenly turns into how their pride will be hurt if they told their problems to others on the same social status. But they have no problem being grumpy and whiny around me because in their eyes I'm someone who is lower in status and not a threat in terms of "keeping up with the Joneses" type of competition.. I'm tired of all such things. It feels like torture. How to cope around such people and how to be smart enough to identify such people and throw them out of my life for good.

What does Leo represent to me? He represents a deep form of survival which I'll talk about later.

What does Leo represent to me? I like his passion and commitment. But there has to be something that I really like more about Leo than just his work. He does mean a lot more to me than just a teacher who teaches valuable stuff.. I am looking at Leo from an imaginary point of view. How does he resonate with me on an imaginary level? I feel like Leo connects to me karmically, intuitively and spiritually? I mean everything happens for a reason.. Why did I land up on Actualized Org? What synchronicity does this represent? I feel like the people who come into my life directly or indirectly have some sort of a karmic connection with me. Either they come to teach me lessons or they come to preach me lessons. When they do me wrong, they teach me lessons. When I make mistakes, they preach me lessons. Whenever Leo appears in my dreams, he is usually preaching me something. He is usually telling me to wake up. He is usually telling me to not stay in my bubble of fragility. He is kinda spanking me, like being angry at me for my ignorance and foolishness. He is angry at me for being mostly stupid. And I get that. I feel that. He is deeply Empathetic so he is always kind to me. And his empathy hurts when he sees that I'm not listening or learning or making the same mistakes again. He hates the fact how I don't take myself seriously and give into reckless self destructive abandon. In my dreams he is always telling me that I need to get out of situations that aren't good for me and he can see the inevitable which I fail to see. Leo kinda scolded me vehemently when I wasn't leaving my toxic boyfriend.

@unborn_chicken is this because I don't know how to keep my importance? Why do I get treated like a toy or a clown? Why am I treated as less important? All I want is to be treated with the same level of respect, importance and appreciation that others are given and not be used only as a means to an end, as though I can't be appreciated for who I am. And if they can't appreciate me, why should I even continue with such people? But the problem is that majority of people are this way so in the end I'm left alone.. I don't like to play these high society ego games. Social games. I'm not materialistic like them. Nor am I flippant. I want real people who will be real with me and not treat me like an object. I want people who will love me and appreciate me for who I am, not because they need something from me. And then discard me later when their job is done What should I do so I can cut out fake people and only be surrounded by people who truly appreciate me for who I am and aren't using me in any way? I don't want to end up feeling like a sucker each time.

I am comfortable being alone but I feel like if i had to remove such people from my life, the only option left would be to live alone. Because majority of people I meet are like this. I am yet to find such people. I don't admire them.. But they represent society. I wish society wasn't so status oriented. I don't earn as much as they do. They are wealthier than me. Some of these people I went to university with. But most of them are just from well to do families. I was the only one among them who came from a poor family. I always felt a sense of inferiority around them because they would talk about spending money on parties and I could not do that but it's not like I wanted it, yet in society when you are poorer than others, it obviously generates feelings of inferiority On top of feeling inferior(because of poverty), and a loser, I also feel like a Sucker, because these people get to whine about their silly issues like boyfriend/girlfriend troubles and drama meanwhile I struggle with real problems and if i share those, then their reaction is a condescending pity. But they use me to release their hot mess on me, I feel suckered in, like a dumb idiot, or a fool who is being used for their purposes. I noticed that most people who ever want to have a connection with me, only do so because they need something out of me, like a slave, they want me to do favors, they want me to do this, do that, give them something like my time or resources. If I have a book, they want that book. They want something all the time. Yet they appreciate others who don't even do anything for them. On their social media pages they mention other friends who they consider valuable but not me. If there's a party I am invited to, I am never asked for a drink or appreciated, yet their friends are appreciated who are simply appreciated for who they are? But then why not me? Yet when they need something, anything at all, they don't go to the friends they so generously appreciate, instead they come to me. Why?? Because I'll help them? Or because they don't feel ashamed with me. And is that because they think I'm lower than them so they don't see me as a threat? I find these social games stupid because I demand the same level of appreciation that others get. Why should they deserve all the appreciation and me nothing? And when in times of need, i am being used as their personal assistant or doormat?? I'm supposed to act like a therapist to them and give them emotional support, advice and spend a lot of time and effort and energy on them. And what's the end result. Me being treated like a non existent entity when it comes to appreciation. Am I this bad that nobody can like me for who I am? Can I only be liked if I fulfill someone's needs? I'm such a fun person. And still people only like me if they find me useful for their work or else they turn away. I am so done feeling like a loser and a Sucker on top of it. Like i deserve respect and appreciation too. This is not like seeking validation. I'm not looking for validation. I am looking for equal treatment. For respect. So what's the reason why they don't respect me but respect and appreciate others who don't even help? Because they think I'm inferior or poor or undeserving?

All cool in looks

What does Leo represent to me? To me, Leo is a certain vibe, the introverted vibe. He acts the way Introverts act, the way i would have acted if I were in his place. So his mode of communication has to be a medium, he uses YouTube and I use a journal.

What does Leo represent to me? Leo seems to intuitively guide me. Funnily yesterday he was in my dreams. For me Leo is like a character, an archetype of a guy who appears uninvited anywhere like the Genie of Aladdin and tells you the truth about a situation. Leo is an expert at understanding the Crux of a problem. Although his solutions might not be perfect, his ability to unmask the nature and the root cause of a problem is unmatched. I find his abilities very unique and high value. He got some real skills. I have no idea how and where he developed these but his portfolio of skills looks really good. Although I don't think Leo is fit for a 9~5 job, he doesn't look that type to me. He seems like "my own thing" kinda guy. One thing that I find strikingly odd about Leo is his deep empathy. I'm myself an empath and I detect empathy in others. I detect an unusually high level of empathy in Leo which is absurd given the stage orange culture of America. Since empathy is historically associated with women, I surmise that this quality must exist in his mother, he didn't speak very highly of his dad, so in my estimations, this quality is inherited from his mom. His mom has to be caring, loving and nurturing. That's where he derived his empathy from. Another thing that might have deeply impacted him is his poverty. Leo has said before how harsh the conditions were in Russia before immigrating to America and how he felt out of place with others in school where he had to learn English very quickly in order to fit in with others. This also explains why his English is kinda slightly different (more Asianized kind of English) from so many Americans that I talk to.

@Hulia hehe cute.

What does Leo Gura represent to me? I think to me, Leo means a lot of things. He is not just a teacher but also a guide, someone who is very inspiring by the virtue of his hard work.

This has to be one of my most emotionally driven and serious journals so far.. Leo is where it all began. It's emotional because that's how I started my journey on Actualized. Org. I remember watching YouTube in early 2018 and simply browsing through some videos. And I could see in my recommendations, a few videos which showed a bald guy with black shirt and making crazy facial expressions in the thumbnails.. At first I was a bit repulsed by those expressions and the fact that he was bald. I didn't care much and never clicked. Then one day, the autoplay was on and suddenly his video started playing from the recommended feed, and I was simply staring at the screen. I could see a bald guy speaking quite passionately, looking a bit fragile, almost ashen cold face and kinda sunken skinny face and eyes popping out. The teeth were nice. He was describing some concept. It felt like he was some telemarketer. Because that's how he spoke. I felt really angry and I didn't want to watch anymore, I thought it was some useless spam content that advertisers use to lure in customers. Then this guy told his audience to close their eyes and be ready for an experiment. I did as he said. I don't remember this video. Maybe I'm not remembering all the finer details. So when I opened my eyes I saw an illusion image on the screen, the ones used in visual illusions. I didn't pay much attention. I engrossed myself in some work while the video played on and then certain things this bald guy was saying began to make sense in my head. I turned to look at the screen and I said - dude that's right. I feel the same way. At first it was nothing exciting. I found him very nerdy and quite weak feeble looking. I could see his wrinkles. His eyes looked tired and sunken. But I liked his humility. He would pause a lot and sort swing back and forth slightly before making his next point. It was very bland and not forceful at all. It felt like a nerdy university student was speaking in the video. His black shirt was too unassuming and he would constantly blurt out "But Leo," at the start of many of his sentences and kinda make it sound like he is teaching a group of kids. Sometimes he would look at the teleprompter or whatever he had on the side while reading a description and then he would look back at the camera. It wasn't sophisticated at all. There was much better content on YouTube for Actualization and self help stuff. But something just stuck. This guy was too naive looking, too gamer type, too simplistic to be into self help. He was very unique and just very plain in that way. Nothing about him stood out and yet that was the main reason why he was so different from other self help gurus online. I came across the video - society fucks you in the ass. And i jumped out of my seat and blurted out to myself - "this is what I had been thinking all along last month." and here is a dude saying it exactly the way I thought. He is literally saying things that I had been ruminating. At the end of the video, the guy talked about his website, forum and life purpose course I checked the links and immediately clicked because I resonated so much with the video, I had to delve deeper into his stuff. I googled Actualized.org and discovered the website and the attached forum and I quickly signed up. I was eagerly waiting for the registration process to be over. There was something funny about the registration process. There was stuff written in casual language about how Leo can't find time to respond to each and every request. I felt it was too arrogant to put it that way for newbies to read. I completed the registration. I thought this was it. But the confirmation was still pending. I grew very impatient because it had been a whole long day and still I hadn't been confirmed as a member. I was too eager to start right away. And 2 days later, the confirmation was accepted. The first thing I did was log in to the forum. I immediately clicked on the profile section and I was taken to my page. I uploaded some random picture and then jumped into the forum right away. I saw a lot of people talking to each other in argumentative ways. For some reason a lot of people were mentioning and quoting me which I found a bit odd. Some guys began flirting with me right away. I was excited. This was a candy store and I was the kid. Although I was an introvert, this felt safe. I had no idea about journals so I spent the whole time talking to people. Disgusting brilliant new ideas, brainstorming. Much of my replies consisted mostly of few words and I was too bad at expressing an idea succinctly. As time went by, I got into arguments and fights which wasn't a very pleasant experience and decided to stop using the forum altogether. For a few days I avoided the forum and then one day a thought came to my mind - "why not just log into the forum and go straight to journals and be done with this. No more arguing." I decided to completely avoid the social aspect of the forum and simply write journals.

I just don't like this guy's language. Something is so off about it. I don't like anything. Some sort of condescending thing going on that is making me more nervous and upset. I just hate everything even more now. The more I discover the worse it makes me feel. I just want to close off and pull into me. Like a deep dark hole that I don't wish to crawl out of. I feel claustrophobic here. I feel like I'm surrounded by walls that won't budge.. I'll never speak on the forum again ever. I don't want to. Something keeps hurting me inside. I feel miserable. It feels like fucking pain. I feel insulted, humiliated. I feel like a joke. I feel like a loser.

So how are things? Don't know. I just feel alone.

Where I knew that wherever I go, I'll bump into social media people, I'm just not those types but this is my destiny.

I try not to stay sad all the time. I try to be happy with little things. Life is anyway short.

I wrote this in my own handwriting. That was so cool. Little things.

Suddenly my own vulnerability screams at me. Why do I feel uneasy? Like not in a good place. I feel like I'm going into a deep deep hole, never to come out of. I just don't want anything. Because even wanting something is a sin. How are you supposed to feel when you realize nobody truly gives a fuck about you?

*there's no meaning to it. *

So ladies(and men who know what ladies want)... What are some of the virtues you look for in a guy? I look for Simplicity No egoic behaviour Authenticity Let me know what you like in a man or what you look for

The home sweet home principle.

Two more concepts Create a God operated system. Create a neutral system Deep system programming... Almost like reprogramming or deprogramming

I kinda find this reassuring. Thanks.

@hamedsf girls like that are immature. They only rely on their primitive sexual instincts. When girls become emotionally more matured and independent they learn that they are using their sexual drives in getting with a guy, they lose that and use mind and heart in desiring a guy. Our Brains can basically be tailored to develop new attraction patterns, it's basically brain wiring. This wiring changes with emotional growth. The desires automatically align to the new state of emotional growth. If you look at the Maslow's hierarchy of needs, these sexual attraction needs are very primal and primitive, nothing extraordinary about it. At the lower stage only lower needs are met, and so the attraction at such a stage of brain development, sexual primitive attraction of femininity and masculinity guides the relationship. However if you look at higher stages such as self esteem needs and emotional needs, the pattern of attraction will try to accommodate these needs as well. So the woman at this stage of emotional development who is targeting higher needs on the hierarchy will be attracted to a guy who is more emotionally fulfilling, giving containment, getting her emotionally stimulated, being feminine and making her feel vulnerable and comfortable, helping her open up and developing a deeper bond of trust and sharing /caring, more compassionate love, of course sex is going to be involved but sex is going to be emotionally fulfilling. This is the emotionally matured stage in a woman and she reaches this eventually after some experience. Some women are naturally more emotionally matured. Others do self introspection and develop themselves to reach these levels in life. Women who are stuck at lower stages and don't look for higher fulfillment eventually find themselves in toxic and abusive relationships. For most women this is a growth pattern. An emotionally well developed woman will not simply look at your masculinity and drop her pants. So in long term if you want to attract a psychologically healthy woman as a partner then you need to be emotionally matured as well, which basically means integrating feminine.

@Parththakkar12 what is attachment relationship