Preety_India

@Marcel So this is what you did when I stole your bed lol.

Waking up to this is a great Idea.

I don't want any comments in my journal, no praise, no criticism. None of it helps anyway. I just wish to be left alone. The only person I can talk to is my partner. I just do not wish to interact with anyone anymore. I'm back to who I was when I started out here

But of course, when I wake up I don't wish to go to sleep again.

This thing is always the best.

Leaving the forum forever. I'm leaving the forum. I cry with a heavy heart but this is a step I must take with goodwill. This is a heavy decision for me. I have been a part of this forum for a very long time since 3 years.. When I first came here, it was 2018 and I began journaling. That's how my journey began. And I did not even look into the forum. I felt extremely anxious about interacting with people. I had deep social anxiety so interacting outside felt almost impossible, plus the social crowd around me wasn't quite open minded to even understand what social anxiety means. As a result online was a place that felt safer than offline. I experienced less anxiety while interacting with people online But this comes at a huge personal cost and at the time I wasn't very aware of this cost. I continued my silent journaling for almost 2 years without interacting with anyone here because I never felt bold enough to talk to anyone. There was absolutely nobody to share my feelings with, none in my family ever allowed me to speak up, there were no family meetings at all and no friends to ever share anything with. It was impossible to ever have anyone because there was nobody to ever want to listen. The loneliness alone could have killed me. Then one day in November 2019, I felt like I could give it a try and posted a question in the Dating Section. I was going through a horrible period in my life and I felt utterly confused and this deep urge to share it with people constantly came up because it was too much restlessness and tension to hold it in. So I shared my personal relationship situation for the first time on the forum and I received an overwhelming response. It was a very bold decision and I couldn't imagine that so many people would want to support me As time went by and I interacted more, I felt better just interacting with people, it did reduce my anxiety around people a bit and I felt confident that I could at least talk about something. At first I could hardly string words together and did not know how to greet people both online and offline. I slowly improved a lot on basic social things. I quickly became popular on the forum and a lot of people told me how much they found my advice useful. I was thrilled that I was able to motivate people so much, it felt impossible because I had never known that people would enjoy my presence, it surely felt very motivating and helpful to my social anxiety and building social skills. As time went on, this popularity actually became a source of misery. It was as if it was a thorn for others or a basis for them to pile hate on me. I wish there was a way to block profile visits or anything to do with profile as an option that can be modulated by the user. I had people tell me that they found it disgusting that I had so many followers. It felt unreal that people would want to hate or even compare themselves with me using my follower count or post count because honestly I never thought of it as a hindrance to one's progress or even something that should be compared. I never even paid attention to things of that nature. It never occurred to me to even read someone's post count or compare mine with them. I had no idea this was such a big deal for so many people and they almost even use it as a measure of intelligence. I tend to write a lot on my journals because I like to write, writing was always my main form of expression of my Introverted self, and I don't like to clobber things together, I cannot manage long walls of text, so I write very separated which contributes to a high post count but never knew this forum used that feature to measure intelligence. Anyway, I accept and admit that I'm slow and not as intelligent as many people on this forum. Majority of them are more intelligent and faster and smarter than me, as they constantly don't ever fail to remind me of that. I have always been a bit slow brained and maybe that seems to be a hindrance to others. I thought this forum was very collaborative but it's too competitive for my nature. I just can't compete and I'm sorry I failed to impress you all, that my presence is so disgusting. I had contemplated many times about leaving the forum but I told myself that I had to be strong in a harsh environment and not give up. I have happy memories of happy fruitful interactions with some friendly folks over here and I'm forever indebted to those people. Lately the forum was very toxic, some really great mods like Forestluv don't exist. It became increasingly difficult to deal with the constant negativity. There was no point in trying to be friendly in an environment where most people don't appreciate your presence or do so in less genuine and passive aggressive ways. It felt like I don't fit here. Most people took my sensitivity for granted or called me reactive or sensitive if I tried to counteract their aggression. Instead of trying to creating harmony and reflecting on their own aggression, they preferred to call me "triggered" and double down their hostility. I don't think it's favorable towards creating mutual understanding and harmony if your only goal is to offend and pretend like you didn't. Offense does not always necessarily involve direct name calling, it can even happen in subtle critical shaming and downing ways. I have always consciously tried to never pick on someone's personal life and if I ever did, I have made efforts to apologize. Being on this forum has been an emotional experience (a roller coaster of sorts) and leaving it is an equally emotional experience. One aspect of this forum that is harmful to vulnerable people like me is that it has direct access to journals, the journals are publicly read but most people do not have the decency to not bring up someone's personal journal entries on to the forum. This is a bad idea because I have always had second thoughts about sharing my personal experiences in my journals as a form of release. Private journaling does not have the same impact as public journaling since public journaling gives the feeling that you are really opening up. This however comes with downsides where people can pick up details of your personal life and use it against you on the rest of the forum which sucks and shouldn't have to be that way. Making the journal less personal almost defeats the entire purpose of journaling. Another annoying thing I noticed with myself and other journalers is that despite calling a journal closed, people still commented and there was no option available to the user to decide whether commenting is allowed or who was allowed to comment which causes even trolls to comment on journals. I don't really mind it but it's just a hassle to see random stuff pop up in your journal without permission. I think journaling should have to be a pleasant peaceful experience devoid of such interruptions. To be on the forum where your social aspect exists and it being intertwined with your personal aspect in journals is a very dangerous recipe for mental health because it is tremendous level of vulnerability that is being exposed for people to pick on. This i never took much into account while interacting on the forum and I was pretty much oblivious to this until now. Anyway moving on, this is my last farewell goodbye namaste to all the people on the forum and my public announcement of my departure from this forum forever. The main reason being the intense negativity and a generally Hostile environment that is not good for my health. It does not feel pleasant to be constantly jumped on and picked on. Not my cup of tea. I don't like too much fighting and arguing, especially personal attacks really get on my nerves and the forum does not have proper policies in place to deal with this aspect. I'm frankly tired of all the personal attacks. I am done being everyone's punching bag. It's one thing to say "personal attacks are not allowed in forum guidelines" and another thing to actually implement it. It's futile if it only exists as a sentence in forum guidelines. Today I had a discussion with my partner where he told me that he is being impacted by the personal attacks as well because the hate that was constantly projected at me by very loving people is slowly being directed at him. He does not even exist on the forum most of the time. He has to suffer needlessly at my expense. Which is getting difficult for me to watch. Hate me all you want, but why bother someone who recently joined here and hardly knows anyone just because he is associated with me. He doesn't deserve it. Today he told me that he is not feeling good about being on this forum, that he is sensing some hostility because of all the unpleasantness and trolling. I mean someone called him a motherfucker openly on the forum, you can give warning points all you want but the hate continues to stay. People underestimate the power of negative words. He told me this later — "That’s basically what’s happening. My pulse went up quite a bit earlier as well. It gives me flashbacks to the unpredictable moodswings of my granddad and my dad to some degree. Im very attune to changes in my environment and hateful comments let all my alarm bells ring. It’s very funny that some people think I could just ignore that. Gosh I actually feel a rush of anxiety thinking about the forum at the moment, I have the feeling all of this effected me more then I’d like to admit. I still feel mostly stable, but wow the forum messes with my psyche a bit i feel. Thank you. I guess it was a bit of a viscous cycle. If something impacts me it impacts you and vice versa. I don’t mind defending myself and you, but it effects me in some way. I don’t feel well reading mean comments. It’s triggering to me. Not exactly sure what exactly, but it made me feel anxious and uneasy. " Hearing his response actually sent my heart rate way up. Because I don't want him to take the consequences of the hate thrown at me. He doesn't deserve it. His words suddenly made me realize how badly this forum must have fucked with my head for a whole year of me being here constantly fighting the negativity. I remember someone telling me that I was pretty brave to survive the environment here but they also told me that being here somehow brings out the worst in them as the forum is unbearably hostile and always brings out your defensive side for no good reason. They felt like everyone was always on edge here. They only come here occasionally. And I couldn't agree more and in fact I would say that I'm generally in a happy mood but the forum could very well be responsible for constantly putting me into a defensive mode without me realizing it. Someone who watched me from outside actually told me that. I apologize to this community that I couldn't have enough thick skin to deal with all the negative crap thrown at me day in day out. I'm sorry I'm so sensitive. I'm done taking all your thinly veiled attacks disguised as criticism. It does no good in creating harmony and understanding. Congrats for finally pulling me down(to the haters and trolls) I constantly felt as though the thought going through the troll's mind was probably like - what will take to get this woman off this forum, like how much more harassing until she leaves? If someone asked me to rate/review this forum, then I would review it as "pretty harsh" by my personal standards. Quite harsh in my opinion considering I have experience elsewhere on the internet and that was a cheap forum but this forum did only slightly better in terms of verbal quality. The same insults and the same negativity as usual. I actually expected much better. Needless to say, good people eventually leave getting tired of constantly being attacked by keyboard edgelords whose sole purpose is to type some negative shit and hit enter. One can only take so much. To the best of my experience, I'll describe this forum as extremely rude and harsh. Maybe it's just me but that's how I'll describe it. My partner being called the M word is the straw that finally broke the camel's back. I can't take it anymore. Because I can see myself suffering but I can't see someone else(my partner) suffering because of me. So I'm finally done with this forum. I also find the gaslighting here very repulsive. Like one time when I was called "brown mouth" which is very racist but I was constantly told that it is not and gaslighted into thinking that I'm feeling bad for nothing. And how much can anyone complain about it to mods. Even mods get tired of it. Understandable. Today another user said that they are simply being playful after using the M word. I don't think this is funny, it's pure gaslighting. When someone feels attacked and offended, not cool to say it is playful because it is NOT. this is basic decency. A forum that does not guarantee basic decency is not too advanced in my opinion. I have to cut my cord with the forum finally as it is more harmful than useful, at least to me. This is heavy decision and a bold one because I had been here for almost 3 years. I don't wish to befriend anybody here anymore. And I'm blocking the following option. I will no longer interact on this forum and I have taken this decision after realizing that it is psychologically harmful to my partner and I can't take his concerns for granted. I'm removing all of my 100 followers and blocking the follow option. No need of that either where people can't respect each other in the most basic ways I'm completely blocking the social aspect of this forum as it is very harmful to me psychologically and emotionally. As well as to him. I'm probably better suited in a slightly friendlier place. I will stop all interactions with anyone and just restrict myself to my journals. I am blocking my personal messenger so I don't need to deal with that either. This will obviously impact my overall social growth and the opportunities of learning that I had here. But I had no clue that learning here would come at such a great personal cost. The last option is to stick to my journals and my most humble sincere request is to not attack me there as my personal life is none of your business. I will mostly not respond to any journal comments and most likely only to positive comments if at all. Journaling is good for my health as my doctor had suggested so I'll do that. I wish there were options to decide who could or could not comment. But sadly that doesn't exist right now. I'm permanently leaving the forum for good. And deleting the social aspect. This is my final FAREWELL message to the forum and if I have hurt anyone unintentionally/unconsciously I deeply apologize for it. GoodBye everyone. NAMASTE.

@Leo Gura I'm not a person of many words. this will never work as much as you try to think it would. The mechanism of the forum itself is inherently flawed and does not create an understanding environment. You can't force people to like each other if they don't want to. People go way way beyond just disagreement of perspectives. They almost start targeting that person's every post and also engage others into doing it. Almost like gang bullying and it feels like being attacked by a large group of people with one supporting the other during the attack. Perfect recipe for a mental breakdown. Those who are taking this lightly or think that I'm some drama queen haven't been at the receiving end of it to know how it affects the psyche. Disagreements are fine but people don't stop with personal attacks. And mods only take action when someone tells them to. Reporting doesn't even work anymore. Most mods do not want to give warning points which won't stop the behavior. Sadly even giving warning points doesn't cut it. They still do the same thing. How many times is a person going to report a post and approach a mod? This will never work. Today I'm the victim of bullying and trolling here, tomorrow someone else will feel the same way. Most people simply leave after receiving a couple of mean comments. Nobody likes being treated this way, it's not about victimhood. It's about mental health and dignity. It's pretty frustrating that this happening on a forum like this. Those who are blaming me don't understand that the very fact that I have to complain about something like this is already a very bad sign. I understand that some members have a personal vendetta against me but they are taking this way too far. Not liking me should not give them the license to constantly criticize and attack. At some point, it's too much to be so robotic about it. I had mega tons of patience dealing with constantly being picked on. I don't even think a person like me will ever exist on this forum again (not trying to boast but stating this in a sad way). Most people just give up after a couple of comments. I'm pretty brave to have survived the barrage of insults thrown at me almost over a year now. I used to like this forum a lot because it gave me a huge territory to explore different ideas and I'm an exploratory person. The forum has its good side but it's bad side massively outweighs the good. Those who think the forum is a good experience probably just cannot relate to my experience at all because they just can't be in my shoes so their comments are simply flippant and lacking in subjective experience, like apples talking about oranges. I had to ask myself - how much longer can I take this before my mind finally gives up? The final straw is someone calling my boyfriend the M word. I have never even used that word in my entire life and will never. I find it hard to even write it in full. Later he complained of high heart rate and headache. He was even anxious to login. He immediately felt very targeted and harassed. He is just a newbie with little experience.And this forum almost butchered his self esteem. He has joined barely a month ago and he is already feeling the hostility here. I take this very seriously. I've myself sacrificed a lot mentally to be here. So I can sympathize with him, nobody deserves to be treated this way. He is too young and just started out with life to be told that he is weak. This shit affects even if one pretends that it does not. If I were in his place I would have been completely traumatized so I can understand where he is coming from. The average crowd here is pretty aggressive. This aggression is dangerous to health. To a young mind, this will feel like trauma. Denial of this is simply lack of deeper understanding. You can't really decide if something can be taken too seriously or not. You can't keep going on with fake strength. If the body is reacting negatively, it's wiser to listen to it. I'm pretty sure nobody would be able to endure the amount of trolling and bullying I did, so it's way easier for them to say things without experience. This forum is a very toxic environment in general and nothing much is being done. I don't even think much can be done either. I may have average intelligence but my intelligence is dictating me that this is a gone case and it won't happen. Nothing will change I thought this was supposed to be a safe place and the quality here would be much better but I'm very disappointed and I don't think I should go on tolerating this. It's just not okay for personal dignity. You take this way too lightly. You say difference of perspectives. But calling someone a motheefucker publicly on a forum does not count as difference of perspectives in my mind. There has to be some basic civility here. How is this a civil place if the average crowd around me would not even utter such a word? And this is supposed to be a spiritual place when the average crowd out there is more civil than this? This is simply not acceptable. There needs to be higher standards on what kind of words to be used, despite disagreements. Respectful people will eventually walk away and the forum will devolve. The very fact that such words are being normalized by the crowds here shows the standard and quality. I get abrasive I agree. I have had disagreements and said controversial and abrasive things that might trigger people . But I have never used such words even in a fit of anger during a debate Calling someone idiot or stupid is still bearable. But using words like motherf**** is way out of line. This won't even make it to a professional debate forum Giving emotional reactions is one thing but using name calling to this level is completely out of line and what is said cannot be unsaid and warning points only make the users more defensive and aggressive. It doesn't make them reflect on it or change. So what purpose does it serve if people are forever going to argue about what counts as offense and what does not instead of actually putting some effort to create a more understanding high conscious compassionate environment. The argument itself defeats the purpose If the forum cannot maintain even a bare minimum basic level of decency, I'm no good here then. I'm not going to normalize offensive words that shouldn't be normalized and take a dump on my self esteem just to survive here, it's not practical and not worth it. I'm seriously done. And don't say that I didn't complain. I complained an awful lot about this on multiple occasions and I'm fed up. If you can't have decency in a place, it's wrong to assume it would get better and the best option is to leave. By the way the troll is back. That is another crap I have to deal with. Finally people who are too happy that I'm out can go celebrate. I wish everyone good luck. I am out forever.

Part 3

Part 2 "

Part 1 "

Part 12

Part 11

Only one word - survival

Do you think it's possible without a workout by just a diet

I don't know what made me give into him.

@zazen no it's not all love when it carries a tinge of hostility to it. Also invalidation doesn't look good. Loving people are actually careful not to hurt even in the slightest. Calling someone the M word and then saying it's playful is not cool either. Let's not encourage this.

Omg you're the coolest. Love you.

@Proserpina thank you so much. We need more people like you.

Stop calling him abusive names. Stop targeting him

A girl who is genuinely interested won't ignore.

This was good. I found it helpful

That's hurtful. Don't use my post count against me. Don't engage in personal attacks. If you don't like, then just ignore. I don't need your mean behavior. Don't talk to me again please, I don't need your disrespectful attitude and negative attention.

@Marcel I love you

I think this thing did it.