Preety_India

I think I need to have a certain discipline or schedule in my life. Last time my mother attacked me I lost all schedule I had built up with great difficulty.. I find it difficult to be disciplined and when something emotional or traumatic happens all the built up discipline goes to the drain This time I need to be careful to not let that happen again. It is her fault that she is violent not mine.. I shouldn't let her bother me so much. But the fear is very primal. The last time she attacked me my arm was swollen for a month and the fear I experienced was excruciating to say the least. Everytime she gets violent it reminds me of the violence she did to my dad and the trauma cycle gets activated. I'm normally stable emotionally unless something happens in my family that causes acute mental stress and exacerbates my already vulnerable condition. One thing in retrospect that I should have done is to not let all of these family situations to take away my basic sanity and light as an individual. I wish back then there was someone to guide me. I mean even a couple of years ago like in 2018 would have made a huge difference if only I had the foresight to know what's coming in terms of her attacks and psychotic episodes. When she has a psychotic episode things are really very difficult. It's crazy and my mind automatically goes into "hyper stress" survival mode. The fear and anxiety is unbearable because I know she can attack again. My body automatically goes into freeze mode when I see her around.

I'm not on Facebook. Deleted my account years ago. Yet I never faced any problems with it. It's just that I used to login every 6 months so I figured it wasn't any big advantage. I'm not particularly offended even if they changed the name to Meta. Maybe Zuckerberg has some new ideas in mind... Twitter rather sucks in comparison to Facebook because 140 character limit is too short. I don't know if they updated that since I last left.

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I have realized that emotional instability only exacerbates with stimuli and more personal fodder. Emotions are like a volatile liquid.

@Fearless_Bum I do think that dopamine hits exist though. I experience peak levels in excitement depending on what I'm watching. Even playing video games has that effect. If that's what we call dopamine than yeah I believe it exists because I experience those highs and lows in excitement levels

I think there's a slight distinction between losing one's mind where you see reality with a different yet helpful perspective versus losing one's mind in a sense you lose touch with reality and begin to act insane and could end up harming yourself or others in a permanent way. I wouldn't recommend the second one The first one looks like a spiritual pursuit to me. The second one looks like a destructive thing. Some people (especially the majority) is too materialistic and baseline in my opinion to comprehend the artistic mental setup of mystics and sages. For example if I told my mother of my various spiritual leanings she will automatically call me a social loser and misfit because she is on the opposite end of the spectrum. The whole spiritual thing is a double edged sword. It can be used correctly to augment life or it can be used in a way that looks like pure confusion and mess. Not to take for granted cases where people went on a spiritual quest, adopted some unhealthy worldviews and abused drugs and ended up suffering terribly. I think the collective consciousness has a huge fear regarding this. They fear they would land up in similar circumstances.. I generally hold this fear as well which caused me to shut my ears to any spiritual information for a long time, sometimes it felt like radically changing my paradigm would cause me mental distress. So I stayed away from it. I have seen countless people come to this forum and complain about how they lost control on reality and don't feel the motivation to do anything anymore. That scares the shit out of me. It can be frightening to be in that state where you don't feel normal anymore. So Yea collective fears exist and are understandable. I guess when it comes to spiritual stuff everyone has their own learning curve and it shouldn't be forced too hard. Some fears are legitimate whereas others are fueled by personal projections and shadows. I would recommend to try your own brand of spirituality and see what works best for you. It should be tailored to your personal goals and needs. I mean at the end of the day this kind of stuff is not easy to practice or deal with.. Caution is essential.

I think more research is needed in this field For me, watching certain videos give me a dopamine hit. But that usually helps me with my depression. Dopamine can have an amazing relaxing effect. Depends on how you use it.

I use the bookmark function but rarely. I think I'll use it more often now.

I'm very conflicted on this subject. I don't know what the right way to kill a person would be. A few days ago I watched a video of a botched execution and it made me vomit and sick to my stomach. Since then my opinion on the death penalty has radically changed. It's not as easy I had thought earlier. Now it feels as though even death penalty is another murder. But of course murderers and rapists need to be punished in some form. Keeping them in jails and prisons on taxpayers dollars also seems to be a bad idea. Yet there is no comprehensive approach to this. I am not sure what can create a sense of justice for the victim's family. For the time being, life imprisonment seems to be the only option.

I get lazy sometimes and this thing is hard for me as well. I think taking it slower and one thing at a time helps. Use one paragraph for instance and take it from there, baby steps at a time.. Generally I can't handle large amounts of information, it gets too clunky and usually doesn't serve the purpose. I'm trying to find ways where taking notes can get simpler.

I think inviting someone over coffee is okay. I wouldn't normally consider it to be something romantic or sexual. Maybe I'm low in picking social cues. But If someone invited me over coffee I would simply consider it as a friendly gesture for some friendly discussion, nothing more than that. If someone said something romantic, I would let them know that I have no such intention. I think Huma probably thought the same way. She didn't think too deep about it and simply went along not realizing what he had in mind. This is where I think clear boundaries are needed. It's not okay to violate someone's feelings. He could have asked her for a kiss instead of forcing it on her. She was clearly surprised and taken by shock. She didn't have to suffer needlessly. I think the guy learned his lesson and probably won't do that again. Personal opinion - I get this itchy feeling that this man could be in a higher position where he constantly feels like he doesn't need to ask a female out, like Trump, he thinks he can simply get away with it because he is in a higher position so the power dynamics are at play, just my hunch. Generally such scenarios are typically found with men who are Trump-like and tend to automatically assume they can get their hands on a woman in a subordinate position and she won't mind. And often the women stay silent out of fear. And sometimes a woman speaks out and it backfires big time.

In my country the rates for female education and occupation are quite low because most daughters are discouraged from experiencing a normal life. So i hope to see a future where most women in my country prosper financially and can experience freedom with what they want in life. So i associate feminism with female empowerment like education and job. Financial independence is huge for me and for most women in my country. They would simply dream of it from a very young age.

At this stage it's impossible to love my mother I just hope that there are no more fights. All I have to do is keep praying that there are no more fights. My life is slowly turning for the better after my boyfriend came into my life and I give him the credit for radically changing my emotional and mental terrain @Marcel. Without him this wouldn't be possible.

OK I need to grab my morning coffee/tea and do some more work.

@Marcel

I still don't have the option to sit in nature and do my drawings I sit in a crammed room to do these. Most of it is digital anyway. I need a huge sheet of paper to do more art work. And the colors I get are kinda cheap quality. I'm planning to invest a bit more into art next month

I particularly liked the multicolored one It came out really good, beyond my expectations. I love looking at it. It makes me feel warm inside. I'm kinda satisfied with my art. But definitely will explore more.

I want to keep exploring my dreams. I will keep a 24/7 track on all the words I receive in dreams. I really want to know why I see or hear these words and what they really mean.

Keeping a daily record of words that appear in my dreams for therapy reasons.

The dreams have been quite consistent. They are like a puzzle

I feel much better now

A woman who I would also love to have intellectual conversations with.