Preety_India

From today onwards I'm going to maintain a logbook of sorts. To keep a tab on what I do everyday and accomplish my short term and long term goals

Leaving this space blank because I don't know what to write here. Will continue this journal in the next post

I can't use obsidian because I find it uncomfortable to use. Lets track my Time. My time since the new relationship It started on August 20. Then one week was spent in adjusting things. Trying to get into a new relationship and I was kinda nervous. Now I'm married to him. September was a difficult time because there were too many arguments between me and people and I couldn't adjust to that. Then on September 29 I announced my departure from the forum. It felt good for a while. At least for a week I didn't need to deal with people issues Then it was October. I think I spent the whole month of October dealing with personal issues and shit. It was tough and stressful but I got over it and learned some really really valuable lessons on interpersonal communication All of it came to an end on October 24. Thats when my mother was violent with me again. And I tried to invest my time into art. That was a relaxing time. I did art for like a whole week day and night. I worked really hard on my art pieces. I'll call it my October Project. I did not get to celebrate Halloween (although I'm a witch and Halloween is my most important festival witch-wise) so I feel upset. Halloween came and went and I busy dealing with personal issues with my mother and her pathetic behavior. Anyway whatever went, it's over with. I do feel upset that I couldn't celebrate Halloween because it's the most important part of the entire year that I wait for. Witchcraft is my core spiritual practice and I missed on it because of my work schedule going haywire. Then I began hurriedly developing a blueprint to track my progress which in this journal. I also did some gardening work for three days on November 2, November 3 and November 4. I busy with the plants in my apartment cleaning the garden. That was some laborious work. I also met new people who are foreign language students while doing the gardening work. Their names are Salvador, Dimitra, Sally, Pearl and Amma. They are all from different countries and they came here to stay for foreign language studies. Salvador is from Brazil. Dimitra is from North America Sally I'm not really sure. I didn't ask her Amma is from Indonesia Pearl not sure where she is from. I'm excited because in the past 3 days I made new friends. Today is November 6. I'm not sure what I did for the past two days. My memory escapes me. But I'm trying to not focus so much on this forum and only focus more on what I can achieve henceforth. I'm trying to explore note taking software but I did not like notion. Obsidian is uncomfortable for some reason. It looks unusual. Not user friendly. One Note has issues. I lost entries on One Note. Notion is useless because I gave my private email id to someone. I'm so stupid and dumb. Will never do that again So I'm left with Evernote. I'm trying to use it but there are restrictions on how much you can upload as a free user. I don't want to pay right away because it's a subscription service and I don't want to get into any trouble. Generally subscriptions are difficult to keep a tab on. I also have to check my bank account. So I'm not left with many options for note taking but I'll keep exploring. Right now I have Evernote.

I think I'll upload at least one art work everyday because I need to maintain consistency as well.

Last week I completed this after a gap of many days.

I even forgot to upload art Keeping a tab on myself and self improvement activities.

So Bexley is a loving wonderful charismatic wise friendly social girl who inspires me.. I love this female character. I would love to paint her nails.

Looking for a female role model for myself. Not some actress. Someone who is ordinary but real.

Sometimes atheists can be too militant as well. It reaches a point where even atheism might feel like a new religion.

I have to think of an imaginary character because I don't have such a woman in my life. I got to invent her Bexley.

Now that there is pin drop silence, the cat has started again. This is creepy. I don't know what is up with this cat. But this cat has climbed the roof next to my window and it's making the same annoying sounds again

Materialism seems like addiction to me.

@Adodd@Adodd I have multiple people tell me that they lost their entries there..

I wanted to let go of survival but that is simply impossible. But in my mind if that's possible then it's a huge challenge conquered in a spiritual sense

Sometimes I feel like venting about my mom.

That cat can't hide for too long. It must be somewhere in the vicinity. I mean I am an expert at handling and taming cats. Even the wildest ones. They kinda bite me but that's okay, I eventually get around to taming them That's the magic of my hands. Once I start stroking them on the back, then the deal is done, the cat is mine. I'm waiting for that cat to cross my path and it will royally fuck up big time. Because no way in hell can it escape my notice. I'm going to get it one way or another. I mean I'm kinda obsessed with cats. I used to have 10 cats as a kid. I literally grew up among cats. Apparently no cat has ever escaped my notice. I always end up bumping into one. I really like cats. They are so lively and funny and cute. They are so sweet and gentle and magical. I love being around cats.. I rarely get pissed off at them.

Anyway. That cat isn't around here for a while now Guess what??? There are firecrackers being lit all around me because it's Diwali. So the cat ran away lol. It couldn't stand the fireworks and the loud noise. Good Lord The cat is probably hiding somewhere.

Trying to get it off my chest whatever I just read..

Women are totally treated like sex objects on the dating section of the forum. The more I deal with this forum, the more I'm disappointed. It's nuts.

I should totally avoid the dating section of the forum. It's toxic as hell for women. The vulgar language used there is just impossible to deal with.

I'm beginning to get sick of it and only after so many years I'm actually realizing that the place is not good

"it's better to kill yourself" I mean who the fuck says that?????

Just when I thought this forum would become better I end up reading something abusive, disgusting and full of filth. Just gross.

This is the end of the forum for me.. How much worse can it really get? I mean this comment does it for me Like Leo is telling some random woman on the forum to go kill herself if she feels like she can't get a date. Wait what??? Wtf??? This is something. I'm not even going to respond to his comments but I feel bad for the woman who asked the question. How can a forum like this and the forum founder encourage a forum newbie to commit suicide? Wtf? How toxic is this forum? I don't want to give the benefit of the doubt to Leo that he simply made an autistic comment where he simply slipped up without having any social cues. I'm beginning to think that Leo is not as innocent as he tries to show. He is acting creepy. This is not to be pushed under the rug. This wasn't a flippant comment especially given the context that the woman was feeling suicidal. It shouldn't be dismissed. He really meant lt I feel like puking. Can't take it anymore I mean that woman is suicidal. It feels like half the forum is suicidal and the advice is just not proper. I'm suicidal as well. A couple of days back a mod was suicidal. I'm so done with this place. It's not the suicide thing that hurts. It's the advice given to suicidal people on this forum that can actually make them even more suicidal I feel. This is just gross psychological abuse in my opinion.

I can relate to the whole Asian thing where people around you become toxic. I'm myself going through something similar. One day there'll be a revolution in Asia and we'll get ultimate freedom from this cultural rut. I hope that you continue to cope with your situation. I was writing about this in my recent journal.. And this is what I wrote. Soft beast with a purpose. A hard beast and a soft beast. Evil people become complacent because lack of humility and no driver or negative motivation. Evil intentions don't have a driver so they don't succeed Good intentions can exist with or without a driver. A negative motivation Good intentions because of negative energy succeed. The negative energy acts like an active component or torpedo. Evil intentions don't have this torpedo. I'll call this torpedo an emotional explosive. Bad intentions don't carry emotional explosives Godzilla. Be like Godzilla. Hang in there my fellow Asian friend!! We have to turn into a Godzilla and protect ourselves from toxicity and domination. We have to be a soft beast. Being good and decent is not enough, don't let the devil win, fight harder and one day victory will come to you. Just focus on protecting yourself from the harmful effects around you. Eat good food. Sleep well. Think of good things. Don't cry. Don't let yourself be weak.. Don't let it impact your psyche or it will turn into a hurt cycle. Eat good food. Sleep well. Think of good things. Don't cry. Don't let yourself be weak.. Don't let it impact your psyche or it will turn into a hurt cycle. Keep yourself strong and resilient. One day things will be better for you and me. Right now you're just a soft person and there are hard beasts around you. But once you turn into a soft beast like Godzilla then you will see your path to freedom and healing. You will automatically see the path out of the situation. The soft beast of Godzilla needs to awaken inside you to beat all those hard beasts around you. That's what I'm trying to do currently. I'm trying to invoke the soft beast of Godzilla inside me to fight external toxic hard beasts. Life is a battle between the hard and the soft. And you being a soft person have to keep beating the hard ones whether the hard represents a person or a situation, in both cases the soft has to continue progressing and keep beating the hard. This is a struggle and sometime you might feel like this struggle is not worth it, but it is worth it for the collective consciousness. Your struggle can inspire someone else stuck in a similar situation. Keeping you in despair is how the devil wins. Every time you experience despair ask yourself, "how will soft beast Godzilla behave in this situation?" And you'll automatically get the answers on what you should do.