Preety_India

Nobody likes to be around a mentally ill person. This is just a fact. It's hard to feel happy around them They automatically ruin your mood and make you feel awkward.

I don't like absolutely anything about my mother. Right now she is loudly singing in her room and it sounds out of sync, absurd, high pitched and something a lunatic would go. I feel embarrassed, absurd, weirded out. Her voice is annoying. She sings like some person who is crazily roaming the streets. Like some homeless person singing. It seems very awkward. Early morning she played music so loud that I woke up startled. At first I didn't realize where the sound of loud music was coming from. Then I realized it was from her room. It felt unusual. I lost sleep because of it. I wanted to yell at her but I let it go because what's the point? She is mentally insane. She seeks my attention in every possible awkward way and I keep pushing her away. I can't give her affection anymore. Because she literally starts acting like a kid. She gets hyper excited and starts getting loud and rambling in a weird way. She will casually mock me and what she says wouldn't make sense. She never understands that I need sleep Her attention seeking behavior is almost impossible to deal with. Today while I was sitting at the table she kept rambling non stop. It made me anxious so I told her to stop. Then after 5 minutes she started again. It felt weird and just like a mentally ill lunatic person.. She doesn't understand even basic logic. She will literally jump in front of people and act like it's no big deal but people who watch her give her side eyes. It's impossible to go out anywhere with her because of her bipolar, she starts rambling incoherent stuff to people and then it gets awkward and embarrassing.

Today was a stressful day. I felt anxious and stressed out. I planted oregano. I have found some sort of a happy corner in my garden..

I'm still crying and all of these memories still hurt.

I have never been able to process my father's death properly ever since he died. I was just a teen and I felt extremely traumatized seeing his corpse. It was cold to touch. I placed my hand into his hand and slightly lifted his light dead cold hand. It was light as a feather. There was no pulse and his hand was cold. I couldn't understand what was happening. It was an alien experience. I had never experienced a death before. I avoided looking into his eyes because there was something weird there as though his eyes were rolled into the back of his head, something like his eyes going up. The room was very cold I remember very vividly. My suicide attempt was 2 months after his death. His memories would constantly haunt me. I had numbed the pain of his death in extreme workaholism, studies and other stuff. Then came a day in 2017 when I was feeling very grumpy and constantly overwhelmed and tired. I was feeling empty and stressed. I hadn't realized that I was already suffering depression.. That day I decided to pursue shadow work. I kept asking myself a lot of questions. I kept digging deeper into the reasons behind this empty feeling. And then for the next whole week I kept throwing up both physically and emotionally. It would come to the surface, I would keep talking to myself in my room. I would keep blurting out things that were hurting me. My traumatic memories that were hidden for so long came up over and over and over. I just couldn't stop crying. I would cry for hours with a knife in my hand. And that's when I knew what had happened. I couldn't let my father go. I did not want him to leave me so early. I could not process the pain of a disastrous marriage between my dad and mom. All of it had taken an emotional toll on my health. All my childhood memories of my mom fighting with my dad suddenly came like a flashback. I used to feel helpless watching my dad. He was internally moaning in pain. My mother had inflicted deep psychological and emotional wounds on our whole family. She was unempathetic and disgusting. All the events that led up to his death began to play in rapid succession in my head. I realized that he could have lived longer had he divorced my mother who was being a bitch to him. I wanted to fucking kill her in that moment. He had succumbed to his terrible circumstances and I had been completely helpless in doing anything to save him. The tragic memories of my cat came back. I had been unable to save her from being murdered. I began to feel survivor's guilt. I realized where the source of my inner conflict and pain was coming from. It was the cat. It was my dad. Both left me and I felt helpless in saving them. It haunted me for years after they were gone. I think i blamed myself in the most cruel manner. I felt like I was responsible for whatever happened to my dad. I felt like I could have stood up to my mom and possibly punched her and stopped her from ruining my dad. But I was scared of her. I was scared of her violence. She was/is very bossy. It was simply impossible to meet her in the eye. Her face is very threatening to look at especially when she knows I'm not okay with her. She would follow me around like a stalker. Everything had to be done with her permission. She would hit me on the head if I didn't follow her orders. She would grab things out of my hands and throw it on the floor. She would watch me cry and then go watch TV. She would force my dad to eat bad food that would make him vomit. She was a tyrant to him. I felt sorry for him all the time. Because of the way she would treat him Sometimes I would try to stop her and yell at her to stop forcing my dad. But most of the time I felt helpless and alone and unable to cope. I was scared of her violence. I was scared of her over imposing personality. She was/is an extrovert. She would talk to the whole neighborhood. I used to feel anxious and shy and she would force me to dress up. She was extremely pushy to the point that my anxiety kept getting worse. She felt like she was protecting me but in reality her terrible actions and behaviors were doing more harm than good. I needed gentleness and compassion, not marching orders, threats, blackmail, domination, pushing, constant surveillance, nitpicking, constant feeling of being judged, criticized, observed, picked on. She just wouldn't sit in a place. She would hover over and around me like an OCD helicopter. It began to stress me out. She would take her motherhood role a little too seriously and her sense of entitlement as a mother was unbelievably ridiculous. She would even say that as a mother she could do anything she wanted. It was as if she had ultimate authority and control. One of the reasons why I'll hate the word "mother" for the rest of my life. She created an intense shadow in me about the nature of motherhood. There were times I remember that I would constantly watch over my back just to see if she was there or not, everything was anxiety, everything was pleasing mom, everything was fearing mom, I still remember how she would look at me, her demonic stare as though she will kill me if I failed to impress her. I began to distance myself from my mom around the age of 13. I could not stand her overbearing nature. She was acting less like a mom and more like a boss. I turned into a typical rebellious teenager with a bit more rebellion than you see in other teens. I became ferocious. Everytime she tried to dominate me I would fly in rage. I was calm but her toxic behavior would put me in a permanent state of anger and upset. There was absolutely no mental peace around her whatsoever. She would constantly provoke me to the point of suicide. I would tell her to stop and leave me alone but she would stay silent for a few days and then be back at it again. She had made it her mission to give me maximum distress. I was fed up, scared, frightened, tensed, anxious, upset, pressured, pushed, guilted, gaslighted, coaxed, coerced, hit, beaten, abused, punished. If I didn't give her what she wanted, it was time for punishment. I would be brutally punished and harrowed for not giving her what she wanted. I did not feel like a daughter but more like a slave. She would try her maximum to control my every move. One of the reasons why I deeply deeply resent any form of authority or authoritarian behavior is my strong resistance to her enslaving authority. Who the hell was she to decide things for me???? I used to look at her grumpily. I began to resent her and her authority. The more she tried to control me the more I rebelled. It was a vicious loop.. I was ready to die but not ready to listen to her. I wasn't going to be her slave. Even if it meant I had to give up my life. Her constant intrusion in my life made me even more aggressive and defensive. The only way to survive around her was to be aggressively defend myself. She effectively turned me into a wild animal. She raised me into a psychopath. She raised me into an angry aggressive defensive bull. Any time someone suggested me something or told me to do something or decided things for me, it would arouse me to anger, upset, fury because it would remind me of her authoritarian nature. I would fight back hard viciously and lash out. It was either my freedom or my death. I slowly turned from a peaceful into an angry person. This was just the beginning. It was my rage fuelled teen years It wasn't going to end there. After my father's passing, my anger reached its peak point. Now my anger had turned murderous. My psychopathy was in full force. How the fuck can my dad die like that? I wanted to go on a rampage. I wanted to take out my anger on the world. It was me against the world. I could not deal with the pain of my dad's death. I made a firm resolve that I will never let myself die the way he did. I felt on multiple occasions to murder my mother. I wanted revenge. She could sense that I had begun to hate her even more. It was over. My father's death had effectively brought any hopes of reconciliation with my mom to an end. My brain had processed her as the biggest threat to my life from then on.

This is also the time of the year which is approaching my father's death anniversary which is on December 18th I'm constantly getting flashbacks of his memories with me. He used to play with me on the beach. He used to get me ice cream and take me to a temple when I was a kid.

I'm constantly getting thoughts of putting a gun to my head.

How will I survive this winter? Harsh cold winds. I had a dream where I felt like I was already dead. I felt very traumatized I wanted to hide and run away. My heart was pounding.

Can we please change the subject?

I suck at being social and I'm aware of this.

Time to move on.

@Marcel thank you for loving me.

@Marcel I lub you.

?

@Jack_Clark thank you for sharing , something I need to look into.

I'm not going to let anyone take my light away.

With great difficulty I've seen the exit door. (what's the point of trying to impose your views on me, what comfort am I getting anyway, are you using me as your punching bag for your ego validation)

*I also have the right to vent my frustrations if someone is constantly maligning my character. My character is a part of my personal self worth. In simple words the message is clear - *if you don't want me to retaliate, then don't enjoy attacking me. everything has consequences. Not my fault if you intentionally choose to be blind

I'm already growing oregano. Planted my little oregano shoot today.

sophistication-coffee-some-downtime-and-some-gloom my-cute-little-plants--live-journal Theme title 1

My policy is that if you can't take it, then don't dish it out. If you feel hurt or upset by me. I also feel upset by something that you must have done. Don't be so selfish. If you want me to show compassion to you, show compassion to me as well. I feel hurt as well. But nobody gives a Damn about it. Usually I'm slapped with some gaslighting whenever I request to be understood. The problem is people only focus on me. Almost like tunnel vision. If you focus on the whole situation from above, you'll realize that I'm least interested in drama. I try to avoid and keep away as much as possible. I can't be super friendly with people because of my anxious personality. Does this make me a bad person? I generally never have bad intentions towards anyone I just feel anxious and in general a bit suspicious. Isn't it natural to feel suspicious around people if your trust has been broken like a gazillion times in the past??? I have been punished brutally in my life for trusting people. Maybe sit in my shoes some day before judging me so harshly. And if you don't like me, why bother at all? I generally try to create peace unless someone is throwing a stone at my house. Then I throw it back. Yes I'm defensive. It's my trauma that causes me to act extremely defensive and I build walls around myself and subconsciously push people away. Why not? My biggest hurt in life came directly from people. Whether it was family, friends or ex lovers. People that I didn't sign up to be with but they existed in my life anyway. You can say I have/had a choice. Well... A person of limited resources doesn't really have much of a choice. People manipulated me on several occasions. They backstabbed me. I felt betrayed as well. It's not like I was treated with a bed of roses. So when you judge how I react to you also judge how you treat me. You reap what you sow I'm almost like a mirror. I reflect back to you your own attitude towards me. You look at me with indifference and hostility, then don't expect me to look at you with awe or gentleness. Give me what i deserve and I'll be equally fair with you. I'm no Saint. I try to be on my best behavior most of the time. But it's hard to be on my best behavior with a backdrop of trauma, severe anxiety, PTSD, violence from my mother, childhood abuse, a murdered pet at the age of just 14, a broken dysfunctional home, loneliness, death of my father during my juvenile years, knowing that my mother and sibling caused my father's death and realizing this later after many years during trauma therapy, having medical issues because of my mother's neglect, being intensely bullied and microscopically observed by people meanwhile feeling shy, reserved and socially awkward and anxious around people, being through 3 abusive relationships back to back because of lack of family support, people being intrusive about my life all the time, not to mention my own hypersensitive personality, I'm an HSP (hypersensitive person), a former epilepsy sufferer (I suffered epilepsy during my juvenile years), having born malnourished and underweight in a third world country that treats women like shit, having born premature (I was kept in ICU immediately after birth due to my premature birth), having a disability while walking (I can't walk for long) Generational trauma of my mother and grandmother (my mother forced to marry my dad when she was only 20, a forced arrange marriage, her family basically told her - either marry this guy or commit suicide she wanted to be a school teacher but they thought a woman shouldn't be so ambitious so they stopped her from attending teacher training, my grandmother was married off at the age of 8, obviously without her consent to a much older man, my grandfather in a fucked up Indian culture of the 1960s) being viciously bullied by my bipolar mother all my childhood and being called a loser by her almost everyday (daily physical and verbal abuse, she was a narcissist who wanted a perfect child and not a disabled weak child like me), being called a loser despite having scored A grades in every subject and topping every class consecutively for 5 years in high school, completing my MBA in Finance (masters in business administration) with great difficulty because of my social anxiety, with the best grades and then struggling with my first job due to my social anxiety and workplace harassment, facing regular and daily sexual harassment in buses and public transport (India is notorious for sexual groping/harassment especially in public transport), managing a very pathetic job (too much job stress) alongside relationships with abusive boyfriends, overcoming all of this and finally landing in one piece in my final version that you see me now. Isn't this too much to go through for a young girl/woman born into poverty and problems? Isn't this already massively fucked up? And then when people judge me, it hurts a lot. You still judge me and my behavior? <I'm not asking to be exempt from judgement, but try to have a scintilla of understanding into who you're dealing with when you are dealing with me. Who? Did you ever try to understand me even in the slightest? If you really think I'm fucked up, are you actually surprised that I turned out this way?? I still try my hardest to maintain my sanity given my horrible past. I'm not living in a mental asylum(not that there is anything inherently wrong with it) . I did not harm or kill or murder anyone. Not saying that I'm a Saint, just saying that I haven't done the most horrible things to be judged so brutally to the point of annihilation. If my anger and lashing out hurts you, why bother to deal with me? You show compassion for Hitler. But can't show compassion to me? Where is my empathy, where is my compassion? I'm not asking this in a selfish way, just trying to make everything fair on both ends. Because it isn't fair to attack me and judge me when I don't do the same to you. Not fair to start fights with me and expect me to simply put up with it. Not fair to signal things in my direction (not like i don't notice it), and then expect me to be completely silent when all the gossip around me simply goes on and on. If you can't show compassion to me, then fine, it doesn't matter and I don't beg for it, but I do feel hurt and wounded when you say things on the sly. I don't need anymore judgement, in fact people who judge others so brutally are blind to their own ways of gaslighting others. You calling something right doesn't make it right, you calling something wrong doesn't make it wrong. This entitled attitude is a product of your own projection. Not that I'm not guilty of projecting myself, yet I have never chosen to carry a feud endlessly and keep bickering and nitpicking at someone at every opportunity and constantly portraying them in a bad light with negative accusatory false assumptions on their character, almost like a constant smear campaign. If you think that someone is a bad person in your eyes, is it really necessary for you to keep shouting your judgemental opinion(about that person) from the rooftops on the regular? Where's the decency in giving other's space to be themselves? Where is public civility? Why keep hammering your negative opinion of someone you don't like and keep announcing your dislike for them openly and publicly for everyone to see(what are you achieving other than triggering) , basically engaging in smearing them day to day (and you don't think this is bullying, no matter however mild, it still hurts and it still accumulates over time, nobody likes to be judged for the record and at least not in an incessant manner, it's low quality and hurtful behavior period, let's call it for what it is, Salacious gossip is not exactly a great experience ), what makes you think you're justified in constantly and publicly smearing others with your holier than thou attitude, aren't you targeting someone to make yourself feel superior or better, I have no problem if you simply state that you are a great person, I have no reason to see objection with that, yet that's not the case here, you're acting superior at the expense of someone else's humiliation and put down. You're basically putting me down, putting down my character and dignity, I am not the best person in the world (neither did I claim to be), but I deserve to not be smeared just like anyone else. I deserve to not be judged just like anyone else. Am I judging you? Absolutely no. I'm simply minding my own business. Do you like it if someone said bad things about you to others? What if someone called you a liar even when you didn't lie? It does hurt when someone says something about you to others that's not true however mild it might appear. It's basically slander, gossip and smearing, why make it personal to begin with? Why the need to make someone look bad in the name of truth - ism? And if you really want to engage in such slander and smearing, why do you think that it would be without consequences. What makes you think you have the right to judge and proclaim such judgement openly and publicly to others. What if I went around and told people that you're the biggest scammer out there? Or even indirectly hinted at it? Would you enjoy such a comment about yourself? Then why write things about me and get a pass? If I can't get pass saying slanderous stuff about you, why should you either? I don't have the right or necessity to engage in drama if that drama doesn't involve my name in it. I tend to avoid mostly. Things only become personal when you make them personal. When did taking jabs at someone's personality become a publicly accepted civil behavior? Then why shouldn't we simply start taking jabs at one another and start a shitshow already, since it doesn't hurt right? You know why you enjoy this behavior? Because the majority is against me, so ganging up on me seems fun. Yet if you were at the center of being targeted brutally publicly and everyone is putting you down, taking jabs at you and making you feel small and unwanted, unworthy and demeaning, smearing your character and constantly taking shots at you in the name of criticism and you are defending yourself against a deluge of attacks from a hundred people who are hell bent on deciding your character for you, I don't think it's going to be a pleasurable experience exactly. I am not attacking your character, am I? Then why should such attacking be justified in my direction either? Are you super duper clean? I'm not pointing your flaws because it don't consider it good public policy to tell a person their flaws publicly, essentially making that person a vulnerable target for others to attack and hate. How exactly are you spreading love by demonizing other's character when you would be offended if someone said the same about you? What makes you such an efficient judge of character that you think going around telling others how they are so flawed is automatically the most accurate assessment of their personality? When did you get the right to determine that you could even walk up to someone and tell them an opinion you have of them and shove it down their throat and expect that they shouldn't feel violated? Yes I have negative opinions on several people too. But I don't go around telling them what I don't like about them. Where is individual liberty and dignity? Or do we simply get to destroy other's dignity and character at will? Even if a 100 people determined that a person is a pedophile, does it really mean that that person is a pedophile. Does public opinion make everything true? How can anyone be so sure that those 100 people aren't haters or people who simply love salacious gossip and slander. How fair is it to make someone an object of your public judgement, simply because they don't have many people to speak in their defense and reduce their character to something undesirable simply because you have the opportunity to do so? What if you were talked about in similar ways by many people? Would you feel accepted in such a community? Would you feel loved and honored or would you feel demoralized, degraded and dejected at being judged brutally? ... There is a fine line between criticism and smearing. It's hard to navigate but the best public policy is to just avoid judging when it's only going to create more pain, hurt and frustration.

Meanwhile I should always show empathy even to those who trouble me?

In my country it's all chaos. Some are vaccinated. Some are not. The vaccinated ones are actually getting it. Kinda strange There are PCR tests everywhere. I just don't know when all of this will end, if it ever will. Shoo shoo Covid, go away. You are taking too long. And don't start shit with another variant.

The blue thing in the picture is a hanging pot with chains on it. I hung it low. I thought if I hung it high, it might crash to the ground under its own weight. I have sowed spinach in it yesterday morning. It will take 15-18 days for germination as per the gardening instructions on the seed pack. Long wait.......

It's 5 am now and I'm acting like a hyper excited kid on a high. The caffeine is really kicking in.