Preety_India

@Marcel you can try though. At least like one entry per day if you can. I mean you told me that you wanted to write a book. Maybe keeping a consistent journal of your thoughts will give you some ideas and suggestions for your book. You can also send those entries to your friend with whom you wanted to write the book. You told me that you wanted to create a documentary or something so maybe you can add stuff related to that.

@Marcel Yea I mean you used to have some journals here. I don't know why you suddenly discontinued writing journals. I don't particularly like the song journals because I don't see much of a point in it. But you had other journals about dreams and your progress and stuff.

I suffer from C-PTSD so I can relate. There is not much you can do. But continue to focus on healing I advise you to journal and keep journaling till you throw the trauma out of you. Currently this is my only solution. I get traumatic memories almost everyday. All I do is journaling about it as much as possible so at least I have peace of mind for that day.

@Marcel thank you my love. Very gracious of you I asked you a question in another journal.

@Marcel do you wish to journal. Just asking.

I used to gossip a bit for a while but I gave up on it. It's not a good habit. And I will never fall in that trap again. Hehe. Aww. Thank you honey. I'm so grateful. I can't even express in words. I love you so much. Hun Hehe. Thank you for your kind words hun. You can teach me a bit of German. Yes you are right. Some conversations are worth leaving.

I'm trying to freak out less over my triggers. The freaking out is a trauma response. Controlling it is kinda hard to do given that my brain is wired to respond due to trauma. My trauma makes me highly vulnerable and and sensitive. I feel heightened sense of threat, danger, arousal, anger. Anything can make feel angry and panicky. I can get histrionic and go out of control because my panic button gets pushed so badly. I can flip out. I can go batshit crazy from 0 to 1, within milliseconds if I feel my survival is threatened. There were times when I would lock myself in a bathroom with a knife because I felt so threatened by everyone. It would make me fly into intense rage and wanting to attack anyone who was threatening my survival. At the root of all this anger, is fear. Massive fear. Fear of not being allowed to live. Fear of constantly being encroached on. Fear of being targeted, bullied. Fear of being controlled And fear comes from being traumatized and living in that state for many years.

Many interactions are futile, destructive and a waste of time. One such example is my interaction with my mother. She rarely ever adds anything useful to the conversation. It's always the same negativity, the same crying and whining about money, the same old gossip about neighbors and their wealth, the same negative stories about how everything is so bad in life. I mean who wants that. Who likes that. Who likes to sit for a cup of tea early morning and discuss rape, and deaths and all the garbage in the news. Not me. I want my mornings to be fresh, beautiful and I want to discuss about something that will either solve my problems or make my day wonderful. I'm surprised at how my mother lives. She has been living this toxic life for so many years where all she does is gossip about her relatives and neighbors. After few minutes I have to scream, "mom, stop. Enough." It's like her brain is so empty. I encourage her to pursue something in like reading or gardening. Instead of wasting her time telling me stories about my dad, which I obviously don't care about because he is dead.

"Authentic interactions with authentic people" This and nothing else. I have to strive towards this goal in 2022. I want to leave all the baggage behind. Any kind of interaction that feels inauthentic should be canceled right there. If it doesn't feel right, mostly it isn't right. When you have a nice reassuring, loving and understanding interaction, it not only uplifts your mood but also leaves you with such important nuggets that you can apply and improve your life. Such interactions and conversations speed up your progress, give you a foundation on which you cultivate your insights and it's a mutual sharing of insights and ideas that are really helpful.

The universe supports courage. But you can't defy the universe. If you walked on a rope high up in the air, forces of gravity would pull you. you can't deny the nature of nature. however your courage is rewarded by self satisfaction.

Update 1 December 24 4 am I'm shaking and shivering. It's cold here and I've been trying my best to cope with it. Even blankets aren't helping me. It's like I need extra blankets. Update 2 December 24 Right now it's 5 am and I'm thinking about Marcel. @Marcel you make me so happy. You are my one and only. Earlier I was thinking about you and jumping with joy on my cozy bed. You are the love and breath of my life. I want to make a nice round snow ball and throw at you. And then I'll run away. I want to wear your nice warm jacket. In your arms it's heaven. I'm twirling twirling twirling thinking about you. Update 3 December 24 Update 4 December 24 Planner * book gas * remove bottles * b complex bottle * return utensil *laundry dress *shower, hair styling Order Kajal. Update 5 December 24 Update 6 December 24 This is me This is you This is me your hamster This is me sleeping with you in a sock blanket. This is me a deer Update 6 December 24 Planner * book gas... Did not do it. Do it tomorrow. * remove bottles.. Done * b complex bottle and diabetes medication.. Not done. Do it tomorrow. * return utensil.... Done. *laundry red dress.... done. Overcoat not done *shower, hair styling..... Hair styling is still pending. Order Kajal...... Done

Good to see your progress.

The best advice on this forum.

Yea it's very tough. I understand how you feel.

So my mom wants to invite a few people over, in short she wants to arrange a party. I don't wish to be a part of all her extroverted activities especially parties and stuff because I can't fake smile at people. I have never met these people and I don't feel comfortable around people who are complete strangers. Plus I have just recently recovered from an illness and I'm looking forward to a long recuperation, at least for 1-2 months. I have been feeling weak and drained most of the time. Morning I had a big argument with my mom that I don't want these people at our place. And I kept insisting that i don't like it. She is forcing me to join the get together and I don't wish to be a part of it. My relationship with my mom is somewhat strained due to many reasons. We never get along. I don't like to do things for appearances. She likes to keep up appearances and she wants to show that we are perfect mother and daughter. But I'm not interested. If I don't feel comfortable, I don't like to do things just to impress society. How should I deal with such a situation. I have decided that I won't be a part of her party or whatever nonsense she does.

Update 1 December 23 I'm feeling a bit okayish right now. My whole day was okay. I did not achieve much. Because I felt lazy. I had other stuff on my mind. I'm more conscious of time now. This type of journaling with updates helps me process things quickly. Update 2 December 23 My last journal - "my personal feelings part 1" was highly successful in helping me document my emotions. This kind of documentation helped me feel emotionally stable for longer periods of time than before. Update 3 December 23 I'll have to go through the journal many times. I finally found a journal format that suits my needs. I want to continuously journal everything I feel from time to time. This way I'm quite aware of how my mind is functioning and it helps me keep track on my emotions Update 4 December 23 9.39 pm Feeling okay

I returned back from Texas long ago.

Well, that's one way to put it.

Oh please it should be available around the whole world.

@Yarco this is our last interaction on the forum. Either you stop your nonsense (because it fucking triggers me), or I'm going to block you on the forum. Next time don't repeat your behavior if you don't want something done about it. I'm not going to tolerate your disrespectful behavior toward me.

.. Hehe. I just finished potting several plants omg.

@Yarco maybe pay some attention to your child instead of sitting on your damn keyboard and speculating about other people's love lives. You are showing way too much aggression. My private life is none of your fucking goddamn business. Grow up dude. And yes my boyfriend is fucking real. Now you take your garbage out.

@Marcel thank you sweet heart.

My home pics for Christmas. I'm so grateful.

Nice.