Preety_India

She deserves to rot in hell. If I happen to die because of her, I hope hell comes to her. Hell will get her. She is not a mother. This is not a mother. This is a monster in disguise.. I hate how such women get the right to be a mother. She caused my father's death. Hell will come to her. She has given me infinite pain to deal with. I hope God never has mercy on her Because of her I suffered so much. And she hasn't learned her lesson even after whatever happened to my dad. I suffered tremendous child abuse because of her and I hope she rots in the darkest corner of hell. She doesn't deserve anything good. I have never had such intense hate for anyone in my life. Except this person. I cannot forgive the person who caused my fathers death. I'm so terrified right now. All the trauma comes back and makes me weak. If I die, her karma will be very bad. She will have to answer God. You can't give birth to a child and then torture that child. No you don't have that right. That's why I'm against abortion. These women they murder the fetus. The fetus is suffering and crying for help. And the mother butchers the fetus because somehow she has the right to do it? She has absolutely zero mercy.

I've never lived alone in my life. Moving to another country can be a big decision. Plus you simply cannot live in another country. You need a visa for that. Sometimes you get a visa, sometimes you don't. Plus no visa is permanent and permanent citizenship is a pipedream. Also all of this needs a lot of money in traveling back and forth.

I don't think it's expensive but you won't get such a place. It's hard to get a place in the first place. Because it's too overly populated in the cities. You can't live in villages because there is nothing there, not even a hospital or clinic. In cities the situation is only getting worse. I don't know how it is now. But back in 2019 when I had saved some money, I was looking for a place to live away from mom. I responded to nearly 20 different advertisements. And the good places, the decent ones were all booked already because the population is so huge, Someone is always getting their hands on it before you can get it. If you are looking at a listing on any day, you're probably the 100th person who is looking at it, 99 people have already looked at it before you and even selected it. Now it's first come first serve. So the person who was lucky enough to select it first gets the place. Rest lose it. The same thing happens when you apply for a Job When I applied for a job a couple of years ago, 400 people were already standing in line waiting for that job. In the end they send us all back home because they said it was an overload of people. The same thing with housing. The best places are usually gone within minutes of listing. The ones that are remaining are the ones that nobody wants to live because they are cramped, unhygienic, no food, no water, sometimes no electricity and bad living conditions like no ventilation. So these places are left because everyone who sees them rejects them. Last time when I went house hunting I saw all rejected places. If there was any good place left, the owner said that it was given to someone else before me. It's extremely tough and competitive. So really money is not a problem. But place is a problem. No good place.

Right now I don't even go out because battling Covid. But when I finally make up my mind to go out and feel physically strong enough to be outside for long hours I think I will find people who might offer me a place to stay. I had done this when I was 12 years old. My teacher had known someone who wanted someone to live with them. So she sent me there. I lived with that old woman who was like 70 years old and I helped her and she let me stay for free. It was a good and safe place in a safe neighborhood and she had clean water and food. I had no problems with her. I lived with her for a year before her son moved in. But I could at least live with her for a year and that was blessing. Now if I have to find a similar opportunity I need to socialize more and connect with people more. That way I'll find someone who will offer me to stay with them. I can do some work for them or help them in some way and they can let me stay for free. That would be nice. I usually get along with other people and most people have liked my company. It's my mother who doesn't like me. But for this first I need to be physically fit to travel and meet people. Seek opportunities.

This is like the classic battle between the head and the heart. This is hard to do. You'll need to use both logic, reasoning and emotions. It's a balancing act. How to achieve this? You have to feel the situation. Yes your emotions will take over. You might feel overwhelmed. Let yourself feel as much as possible. But don't let emotions cloud judgement. After the initial tide of emotions is gone become calm and think rationally. Your thinking will still be a bit clouded because the emotions leave a hangover that is difficult to overcome, at this point whatever you look at will be through the lense of that emotion. What you do is, you get out of this lense and forget attachment for some time and think of it very robotically. Now infuse all your mechanical thinking, judgement, logic, reasoning and rationale. See what happens? The answers you would get or the perspectives you would have would be dramatically different from the perspective you had when you were in an emotional state. Separate the two perspectives. Time for reconciliation. Compare and match the two perspectives and find common ground. Also if it doesn't have any common ground, then it's your call whether to listen to emotions or to listen to a rational explanation, a tough call to make. In my personal experience, rational judgment helps 10 x times better than emotional judgement. However the flipside is true as well. Sometimes you should have thought emotionally instead of rationally. My idea is that you try to use both to maximum effect in all situations in life. See which one really resonates. This question is like a paradox. There is no clean cut yes or no answer to this. Both emotional judgement and rational judgment are valid for their own reasons.. This is probably the oldest question of mankind and the oldest paradox.

Today is February 16..

It's possible to control food cravings somewhat, a lot is within your control. However masturbating cannot be compared to food cravings. If you completely shut off masturbating, then that would cause some repression and repression than shows up in weird ways sexually like sexual deviance, perversions, insecurities, ejaculation issues, unable to get aroused, feeling hyper sexual, OCD of sex, phobia of sex, sexual anxiety, unable to deal or cope with sexual desires around a romantic partner, shame, guilt, regret around sex and masturbation, depression, trauma Do you really want to invite all these problems. If the answer is a no, then you will have to masturbate. The only thing is that don't let masturbating ruin your life. The opposite is also true. If you're masturbating excessively then it could mean that you're spending your time only doing that like some people watch porn all day. This leads to feelings of guilt and worthlessness because deep down you really don't want to spend all your time doing that it makes you anxious because everyone has a hunger for career, productivity, work, and life purpose. So when you begin to fail in other areas (people have lost their marriage or Job due to porn addiction) of life because of a specific habit, it can build up frustration and then depression. Masturbation is a natural desire based on instinct, not a created one. Not an artificial one like video games. It's the body's sexual system. It desires stimulation. Depriving it of stimulation is like depriving the body of calcium. Your bones will become tender brittle. Similarly starving yourself completely of sexual stimulation can cause the sexual hormones to not be produced in proper amounts, repressing the sexual stimulus, this can have adverse impact on arousal. Just don't do it excessively. But don't stop doing it completely. This is hard truth. We are sexual beings. Just like we are social beings. Any form of ultra deprivation has a bad impact without us realizing it. For Example if I was kept in solitary confinement, with no social contact at all, what will happen? Can you guess?

@preventingdiabetes you can't completely stop it. It's something like hunger. At the same time if hunger is unchecked then you'll be fat in no time. Similarly, you have to moderate it. You have to balance it. Like anything else, don't overdo it. Just balance. Moderation. The same thing with porn, video games, junk food, TV, and drinking. You can never completely cut off something because we are attracted to such things. But minimization and moderation can help.

Both are somewhat similar. A mental addiction can cause restlessness, anxiety and withdrawal symptoms too. This is what happens with video games that you can't play anymore. Don't let your mental state be a slave to chemicals. Free your brain and nervous system from chemicals making it worse. There are circuits in the brain that get trained for addiction and reward satisfaction cycle. You satisfy this addiction and your brain rewards you with happy chemicals. This is how addiction continues through the reward mechanism of the brain. Try not to do that. Mental addiction can even get worse to the point where you may need more stimulation to get the same chemical output. For example if playing the video game for 3 hours doesn't satisfy you anymore, you start playing it for 6 hours and then 14 hours and so on. You see how destructive this can be. It can damage your health badly within days,in the video game example, your eyes will swell or get red, your head will be hot, your emotions will be scattered instead of centered, you'll be more irritable than before, the list will go on and on. It's always good to get a grip on any kind of addiction, physical and mental.

My headache is getting worse. She has been making loud noises in the kitchen. Driving me mad. This is her passive aggressive behavior that is hard to deal with. Now she will be vicious with me since I'm not talking to her. That's what she does precisely when I set boundaries. She gets mad and passive aggressive. It's some sort of revenge time for her She is like a parasite, a cancer a megalomaniac. A vicious psychological predator

Right now my headache is not completely gone but it's okay

Today is February 16. I'm trying to stay calm. Morning the headache was so bad I was going to puke. Anyway better than yesterday.

@puporing @Medhansh @Breakingthewall @Applegarden8 @Vincent S @catcat69123 @John Paul @Something Funny @Vido @Hello from Russia @Bow24 Thanks everyone for all the suggestions. They were very useful.

Thank you.

Thank you. The journey towards freedom is a long journey and I'm taking baby steps everyday towards freedom. I started living in my garden for some time to avoid my mother. I built the garden myself. Little steps to freedom.

@puporing even when I'm typing right now my head is throbbing with pain because Covid can give really bad headache. So at the moment I really need to focus on recovery so I can at least go out. Time is really short and I need to act fast

@puporing right now I don't need money. I just need safety - physical safety, sexual safety, emotional safety. And I'm at a high risk of physical and emotional danger. Physical because she can get violent with me and hurt me badly. Emotional safety /danger because she is driving me nuts with her control issues. What I can do (and what I was planning to do since December before I got Covid), is find a safe place where I can work for free because I don't need the money. I just need a safe place. I can work there and come back home late so I have zero contact with my mom and less chances of any violence or control from her. I just have to find such a place where I can work safely all day, even if it's free work it's fine. Because I have my savings from my previous work for my food needs. So that won't be a problem. I can cook food at home, safe food so no health issues and I can carry food to that place where I work so I'm safe away from my mother. The problem is that I'm bedridden with fever because of Covid right now and all the injuries I will have to wait at least a month where I can finally safely go out and then find place to work at. A safe place.

Money is really not such a big concern. I can raise the money here as well with local organizations that can help me with money. The main thing is a safe hygienic place to live. That's extremely hard to find. Most places are so bad that I will end up sick in the hospital. They just say in the ad that they have water.. But when you actually visit the place then there are water issues. I once got gastroenteritis because of the water in the place and I needed immediate hospitalization in the middle of the night due to diarrhea. My condition was so bad that people had to carry me because I lost consciousness. I mean pretty shitty experiences living out. Even if you pay good money.

I arranged for an old age mom last year. Called the people. Convinced her to go. She was ready to go. Then I enquired the person's number and details and decided to pay the first installment. The day I was ready to do it, my mother started yelling and said she will never go to an old age home, suddenly she changed her mind. Now you can't force someone to live in an old age home. I kinda feel that she would have been happy there among other old people because she has no company except me. Maybe she is also scared like me to live alone..

I'm looking into support groups in my area. I'm barely recovering from Covid so I wasn't going out much. But within a few weeks I'll see options of support groups. Right now my health is so bad that I'm bed ridden. I have multiple injuries to recover from. Moving out right now seems impossible. My health has to be back in shape so I can at least run. I can't even walk or run because of my injuries. In such a case I'm a bit codependent on my mother and that's why things are so bad Yesterday I wasn't able to walk to the bathroom and I needed a walking stick to get there. You can see why I'm dependent so badly. Moving out alone is tough especially if you are not in optimal health. I have to exclusively focus on recovery right now for the next few weeks to months and get back up.. Then I have to meet support groups and people. It's a step by step process. Then eventually find a way to safely move out. Last time I moved out it was a complete disaster. I was scammed. I lived in a filthy place with bad contaminated water., My phone was stolen. I had brought a stove to cook food. That was stolen. I was not given keys to my room. I lived in pure misery. I left that place with great difficulty because they wouldn't return me my rent deposit. And they were ready to throw me out because of the pandemic. I still don't think that money is a real issue. Even if I have the money I won't be ready to move out because of safety and health concerns. The health concern is bigger. Because many places in India it's very polluted and very unhygienic. Lot of health risk. The water system in the last place was broken and they won't repair it. If you don't have your own home, then things are extremely tough. I don't want to move out in the middle of my sickness and injury and make matters emergency level Because who will take me to the hospital if I fall sick to the point of hospitalization? That would be a complete nightmare.. I will be totally helpless. That's why I have some codependency. Even if I want to move out I want to do it in a safe manner where I know I can handle living alone and I'll be safe and healthy. Finding a place in India is a big challenge. I thought it was easy. I approached more than 20 ads for rent in 2019 and I was rejected even if I had the money to pay. Because those places were already booked and or had issues and they didn't want to rent out. So at last I got a shitty place to live and it cost me my health very badly. That's why moving out looks like another nightmare to me

The last place that I was living in 2019, I had bouts of diarrhea and it completely ruined my health. Because the food was so bad in that place that I had to order food. There was no kitchen there. It was tough. I don't want to land up in the same situation again where I end up risking my health. Like I said my health is very delicate right now.. Even one bad meal can make me sick for a week. So just living anywhere is not an option for me. And living in a place with good basic amenities means shelling out a lot of money.

And not just that. I can't afford to take risk on my health anymore. I'm in a fragile state. Right now in my apartment I have everything. But if I moved out to a place with contaminated water and problems then I will be taking a big risk on my health and safety. I don't want to make my situation worse. If it gets worse I have nobody to help me.. I have to be strategic and not end up doing something foolish just to be separated from my mother. In the last place where I moved out I wasn't even able to get sleep because of bad ventilation. I can't take such risks anymore. My body is already fucked up from years of emotional trauma and the medical issues from it. The only place I'm safe medically is my own home where I get clean water. Etc. But it's the mental part. I get panic attacks and terrified every day. Otherwise my place is very good health wise.

Also that place had water and ventilation issues as well. The places that had good food, water and ventilation were extremely expensive.

I don't wish to disclose that but I live in a city.