Preety_India

I'm mostly green.. Some bits of blue and yellow in me in some areas as well. I see the forum as a mixture of red, blue green and yellow. Also orange. Green ~ 50% Blue ~ 20 % Red ~ 10 % Yellow ~ 10% Orange ~ 10% I don't know turquoise very well because I am not very acquainted with the turquoise types so didn't include that. But they might be making up the rest.

Even though today is a bad day and my emotions are in a knot, I still feel better because I have finally escaped the narcissistic abuse of my ex.

My weight tends to remain constant. Because I gain some weight and then the following weeks I lose the weight I gained. And then gain weight again. Then lose again. This constant ups and downs in my weight is very troublesome. My weight keeps fluctuating between 140 pounds and 130 pounds. It keeps flip flopping. Some days I'm 132 pounds. And then I'm back at 138 pounds. Then after a few weeks I'm back at 130 pounds. This cycle is not good for my health at all..

Do yesterday I get this feeling that I am having everything under my control. That everything is going to work out and that I will do fine.. And then this morning when I woke up, I was feeling distressed again. The same feeling of Helplessness and hopelessness. The same feeling of giving up. I started to lose my grip. Have you ever felt this way? Like you are falling off and losing your grip on things again. That you are losing weight or gaining weight and suddenly you have no more control on your life. And your emotions are distracting you from any kind of growth and you feel stuck and you begin to lose your hair and you feel weak and tired but you are still not doing anything to fix it because you feel like you can't or you feel like you need more time to feel emotionally okay or adjusted. I have had this happen many times to me. During these times I'm trying to distract myself with some book or art or just being numb waiting for time to go by. . It's an odd feeling. An emptiness, a lack of motivation. A feeling like "what's the point of doing anything good any way because everything is all bad anyway" This happens a lot to me.

I find it difficult to articulate emotions into words. I get clumsy with it. Part of it is because I was never allowed to talk as a child.. I used to keep silent most of the time. The only time I began to talk is when I started having boyfriends. They helped me open up a bit..

So yesterday I felt like I had this.. I had this within my grip. That everything is going to be alright finally. I suffered a lot of violence as a child.. Lot of emotional as well as psychological abuse.. It's difficult to feel normal after being raised to be broken.. And I today I woke up with nightmares where the same people are talking to me again. I saw my ex in my dream as well.. He was offering me advice but mocking me at the same time. So when I woke up I had a sort of a mental breakdown again.. Feeling nervous and depressed..

I have to do a lot of ranting and venting to get it off my chest because bottling up all the childhood abuse and relationship trauma inside is not good at all. I don't do a good job of venting. Because I still get sneaky about it. I still hide aspects of the abuse that hurt me and don't confront it. How betrayal feels like

There are days when I will go into rampage mode and keep posting a lot, one post after another.. It's writing one page and then tearing it off and writing another. I cannot contain my emotions in one post . So I'll make several short posts and throw my emotions into each one of them and as I make another one I feel a sense of relief that the previous one is done with.. I don't need to deal with that emotion again till it reappears.

As I try to gather pieces of my life, it's really and awfully hard to be back to normal again. There are days when I feel like everything is going to be normal and then there are days when I completely collapse under the weight of the trauma I suffered.. I just give up and sink into my shell not wanting to talk to anyone, not wanting to smile, hating everything around me. Hating the feeling that I have to live life despite all the ordeal.

As I sit here trying to process all the childhood trauma and everything I went through, the horrible abuse, this is not a easy thing to get rid of. I have been struggling for years now and the effects still don't leave me

I need to surround myself with more loving people. There's just no excuse to have someone who is being disrespectful to me. Abuse is so complex and complicated. It gets packaged in various ways and presented to you. Be strong

I'm healing from the wounds of constantly being treated like a ragdoll and thrown around. It's so toxic. Wish I could do undo a lot of things that happened both in my childhood and in my relationships and never had to suffer this way. Sometimes I don't know, I come across these people on gossip sites and they seem weird, like cultists sort of, they have their own little groups and they shut everyone out of it and you never understand what they are talking about and they talk in metaphors and code language and it looks like they are all cool with each other until some drama breaks up between them and everything becomes open secret. There's always like a ringleader who is adored by everyone and everyone acts a bit weird and sometimes you get the feeling that this group of people will attack you if you even slightly triggered one person in the group. They seem to be living in their own world closed off from the rest of the world. The tell-tale signs are usually the weird behavior and weird fetishes and lot of pretentious behavior in most of the people in the group These groups are ubiquitous and I find them on YouTube, Twitter, Facebook, chat rooms, forums, Instagram and mostly online I will give a few examples of such groups. Notice that similar people attract each other. And these people usually like chat a lot. They always have a chat room. Like a VIP members area always. Notice how they always go overboard in their appearance and identity. Almost like narcissism disguised as style. Jeffree star has been one of my favorite makeup brands but can't help notice the cultist edge to his products, opinions, members and the same Insecurity, the same aloofness and arrogance. They also seem to have unusual names or names they invented to have an identity. Such groups are also found on 4chan, reddit, discord and periscope, twitch Some of the people are just gamers, but some of the people almost make the website their identity and life.. They turn into those online characters and personalities they want to be in their respective groups Usually you come across a lot of code language and cryptic messages that only the board users members and fans (more like stans) will understand. If you are an outsider you will feel confused and clueless, even left out. enever I was a part of these groups, it was very difficult to communicate because everything followed a hierarchical system of obedience. You have a specific position in the hierarchy. And people are always vying for attention. The leader makes all the decisions. And people are dropped from the group for no apparent reason, just because the leader or sub-leaders didn't like the person, when you get outed, you feel really bad, like abandoned or bullied or ostracized, victimized. Over time you learn how to deal with the bullshit and you don't let it affect you, but for a newbie, being removed from the group can lead to short term trauma or anxiety. This is usually bad for teens who are dealing with PTSD and anxiety or social isolation issues. Bullies are rampant and widespread in such groups and so are victims. You could also have members asking you for donations and such. Girls are encouraged to give pics, you know those pics. I have been to such groups as a teen and they use to give me a lot of anxiety. They can make you feel accepted and at home but only if you abide by their group principles and if you don't, you're bullied and singled out. I just never knew how to label or spot such people because I don't want to be in their traps. Right now I oy prefer to call them the "chathood people." In its lowest form, it's just low grade C Manson.

There will always be some kind of a subculture wherever you go. It's just how it is. But remember not to get too impacted by it. You be you.

@GodDesireOnlyLove thanks

I know that you will continue to do more damage to me. But I'll see what happens. But don't pull that shit on me again. Don't play with my emotions. Don't get sneaky.

As I take myself back

Thanks I'll try.

@belen you're very thoughtful.

@belen true. Agree

Best is to find some way to escape her behavior. Maybe tell her to stop every day and scream at her and keep protesting till she stops. Keep the door of your room closed. Tell her to stop interfering in your life. Also stop reacting emotionally to her because it turns into a vicious cycle. Become like a rock.

I'd never take Joe Rogan seriously. He just isn't on that plane. He is one of those Oprah Winfrey style people who just talk a lot about meditation and spirituality but don't actually do as much as they talk. His profession is to just talk and talk because it's like a podcast, a talk show, that's what he does.. Peppy and light. He is not a spiritual teacher nor have I ever heard him saying something extraordinarily amazing.. He just brings on guests and talks. I don't think someone like Joe Rogan would ever want to delve seriously deep into anything. He is the one who just wants to skim the surface.

That was funny. If he was living forever, he would be talking gibberish forever.

Ask Serotoninluv

What about those who have more serotonin?

A woman is selective when it comes to her horniness. She is not going to feel the same way around every guy. She can have some degree of control on her sexual desire whether it's orgasm or masturbation in general. However a man has less control on his ejaculation because his experience of horniness is way above the level that a woman experiences.. Men can feel horny all day long.. Of course women can experience multiple orgasms but they feel this way only when they are feeling sufficiently aroused and a lot depends on their hormonal state at the point of time Men don't need this. They can easily get horny at any day during the year We never use the term premature ejaculation for women because women need foreplay and constant stimulation to reach orgasms. Whereas men can easily ejaculate once they are aroused. Some men have to have deep control and constant practice to avoid a premature ejaculation and to keep going till the woman experiences her climax. Women do prostitution and porn mainly for the financial reason. Not because they want to dish out sex to all men. Women don't pay for sex. Because a lot of men will offer themselves if they wanted sex with them. They can easily get it for free, why?.. Because men are too horny to wait for money. Does this mean that women go out seeking a man just for sex. No.. They seek the right guy only.. They wait for the right man. Because women have a much greater control on their sexuality than men. Whereas men have to pay for sex, even manipulate women to get sex. Because men feel very horny because there is no woman around to match his desire unless she is in a relationship with him. If he has a girlfriend then no problem. But without a girlfriend, he will need to pay to get sex. That already tells you that women make money on sex whereas men lose money for sex. Shows who needs it more. Men consider it a privilege when they get sex, because they don't get it easily, even perfect guys have to woo the woman in different ways till she gives in. She is not going to sleep with him right away even if he is perfect. Whereas women don't see sex as a privilege because they know very well that if they wanted it, they can get it for free like room service whenever wherever, some man is always more than happy to serve her. Also look at rape statistics. Most victims are women. Of course men are also victims of rape, but a lot of these rapes are again committed by other homosexual men, few by women. These statistics again prove that men find it difficult to keep it in the pants and have to find a way to get sex somehow. If women were horny all the time then men wouldn't have a problem in getting a woman's consent for sex. She would be more than ready. Now when are women horny? To the level comparable to men When they are going through puberty When they are feeling horny on any occasion depending on her mood (not all the time) When they are on their period When they get aroused by masturbation example vibrator or by porn. When they are around a sexually attractive male that they perceive as an ideal partner or the right guy. During such situations, you can't really measure who is more horny. Both men and women are equally horny maybe women feel hornier than the guy. But in general, men have a greater need for sex than women. The number of women who feel extremely horny, to the point of a pathological problem is always lower than the number of men who experience the same condition. Men and women are not equal when it comes to feeling levels of horniness and the number of times or frequency of feeling horny and the accompanying overall sexual needs.. Men need it more than women. Also for women there are curves during her whole lifetime that dictate her horniness. Its very seasonal. They can feel maximum horniness during puberty, when they are in their active reproductive ages, when they attain some maturity like in their 30s but it doesn't stay that way forever. Once past their prime, and especially after having kids, their sexual intensity begins to subsequently decline as they approach menopause, they may have erratic sexual desires during this time, but after a certain point, their need for sex gradually tapers off. Yet for men the desire for sex remains viable for a lifetime. They may experience physical difficulties with sex like movements or arousal issues but it doesn't dampen their sexual needs. They still want it even in their old ages. Hence we don't see a lot of couples where the women are in their 80s and roaming around with a young man, however there are plenty of examples of men who are in their 70s and 90s and have a young girl as their wife. Because for men, the sexual needs are much higher and stronger than women. For women a lot of sexual desires will depend very much on her stage in the female reproductive lifetime cycle. It's usually at the peak at the middle of it when she is still able to get pregnant but as her chances of pregnancy reduce with age, her sexual desires also take a fall. For men, sex is both biological and psychological whereas for women, sex is primarily biological, the psychological aspect comes secondary.