traveler

My most profound awakening was listening to a mooji meditation on youtube. There is no doubt that he has been very authentic. The reason I made this post is because of how little he's resonating with me now. It's easy to talk the talk, but without any grace or power behind it, it is just that, talk. I made this post because of what my intuition told me. No view is the correct view though, and if he's resonating with you, then there's really no reason to listen to other peoples opinion.

I have dealt with this. You come to a place where not many people have come, and as you might have noticed this place can't be translated to people through words. When I first had a big awakening I was pretty scared, because it was like I had teleported into a whole other dimension. When I tried to explain what had happened to my sister she got very worried and she thought that I was going crazy just like you. I had a very hard time having no one to talk to about this to. I felt loneliness times infinity, because I realized that no one really exists, I couldn't eat the whole week. But no need to worry, I thought I was gonna be in this hell for eternity, and that wasn't the case. I learned to accept the loneliness to an extent and I now don't feel it the same way. Since then there has been a lot of growth on my part, and a lot of clearing, there is still sometimes some loneliness in the background but I don't let my mind run away with that feeling. We are essentially alone and we will be alone forever, it can be an unsettling message for the ego but if it is embraced it can bring more intimacy than you have ever experienced.

My biggest awakening experience I've had was when I was smoking weed alone on a bench in nature. I smoked it and my heart began beating really really fast. Suddenly it felt like my ego was glitching and I probably looked like an insane person as my reality began to shatter before my eyes. (Enlightenment was something I had pursued for a while, so It wasn't totally out of the blue.) I decided to lay down on the bench, and above me was a tree. I was listening to a guided meditation by mooji, and as I was laying there with my heart beating out of my chest, I felt like I was going to die. I emerged with the tree above me and the only way I can describe it is that it became infinite ongoing fractals and I was one with that. Suddenly mooji wasn't just a spiritual teacher in my ear telling me to relax and let go, but his voice became the voice of god talking to me, while I was "downloading" an insane amount of knowledge. I was very aware of my personal identity in this state though, and while being in total bliss and amazement, I was still aware of my ego saying stuff like: "so this is it?" accommodated with a feeling that all of my entire life had lead up to this exact moment, and I had in some way finally completed the game. It was a balance between total amazement and bliss with all of the out of this world knowledge I got, and a difficulty accepting this knowledge with an unfulfilling, and maybe a slightly panicked feeling. I have since been able to have glimpses of myself emerging with consciousness like this, I actually had an experience like that yesterday. But there is a fear of opening myself up to all of that love and energy, to totally leave all of my safety behind and emerge into this unknown thing. I guess you could say it's a fear of dying. But it seems to be the only thing holding me back. A question that has been on my mind for a while is that if teachers of non duality are emerged with this state, I can't see how they can ground themselves in this dual reality. If one is truly emerged in a non-dual state, then how come you can function like a totally normal person? This state seems to portray no sense of direction at all.

Yeah, it gets pretty damn tiring to be in your head all day. When I'm home I can relax and be mindful and all of that, but when I'm working it literally strips me of all my energy because there's old patterns of thinking and then the concepts of letting go and being present just doesn't help in those moments, they only make it worse. I work in a kindergarten, which is a pretty good place to work for spiritual growth and practice. Sometimes I can rest in awareness while being there and it's just beautiful to interact with the pure souls of the children and feel their love. But other times (often) you get gripped by your thoughts, and with the constant demand of attention from the kids and the loud screams and noise they make, it is almost impossible to find your way back to peace. I work 6 hours without a single break, and I'm just worn out after that. As you said I should probably just let this run its course, I don't feel like I have any control over it anyway.. hah

In the last half year or so spirituality has filled almost all of my life. It is said that there is no desire when you are freed from your ego, and I can totally resonate with that. When I'm resting in myself there is no desire. The seeming problem I have is that I'm now "not able" to make any "positive" changes in my life, because MY EGO is now desiring not to desire. I want to change up my bad habits, but I now have almost no self discipline at all, because "who is it that wants to change up their situation" right? I want to start training again, because I've been off it for quite a while now, and I'm getting a bit chubby. But when the thoughts come up about making a goal for myself I can see that it's probably just my ego that wants to look better and all that. I can see how my ego has so many different faces. One of the faces says "I have to start training, because I'll end up sick and fat with the situation I'm in now," the other face says "It's probably my ego who wants to grow through my desires to get better," another one says "What I'm doing on a daily basis now is also the ego, seeking pleasure in all of the vices I do, like vaping nicotine, eating unhealthy, playing games, and so on." My ego is clearly playing games with me, but there seems to be no definitive answer to this, other than just resting in awareness and let that take you where it wants to take you. It's all very contradictory. I would really appreciate someones thoughts on this.

I'm not in a deep state of suffering. I was a while back, which lead me down the spiritual path where I discovered myself. It's more the balance between the dual and the nondual that is hard to achieve I believe. I don't feel guilty, more just annoyed by the strength of the thought "why change anything, when the one who wants to change is idea of me and not really me." Which is kinda contradictory, as the voice who says this is the idea of me. Haha, fucking thought loops, there's no end to the creativity of the ego mind.

This is great advice. Dropping all of the concepts of these things are easier said than done though. But I notice that the concepts are definitely prevalent in my though patterns, and are the main cause of the suffering I experience.

I don't know if I would say that I want to manage the ego. That may be the reason for my confusion though. I think my confusion also comes from the overload of spiritual "knowledge" that I've recieved over the past years. I think my ego uses spiritual videos and books to remain unconscious, and then uses all of the concepts to create a maze inside my head. I'm well aware of what is happening, but the question still seems really interesting to me. How do you guys approach such things. You seem to be pretty into this spiritual stuff (excuse my language). Do you train? eat healthy? do good things for your mind and body? or has the spiritual path lead you to a state of laziness and lack of energy/motivation to do anything at all?

What are your thoughts behind this?

This post was literally just my thoughts at the moment written down. I just wanted to hear if anyone else have had the same kind of problem, post awakening. And how they dealt with it. I'm just irritated by my lack of drive. The drive I had some years ago, is almost gone. Or maybe not irritated by the lack of drive but maybe just annoyed that I set these goals that I don't live up to

Okay. So I'll refrase my question. How do you guys approach positive personal desires? Like eating healthier for example. It's interesting talking about consciousness and ego and all of that but I'm just looking for an answer from other human beings with a spiritual interest. Your still a human being in a relative sense.

That's what I'm saying, it's my ego all of it. When I let go of my mind there is no problem at all. This post is just my ego ranting. But there is a desire to resolve this, "problem." So that I can get my ass off the couch and do something for myself. It seems to be a tricky trap you can fall into, when doing all of this enlightenment shit haha.

So you don't apply spiritual teachings and guru's into your "search"? I know guru's and teachers can't provide more than words, but I find they can help point you to a place that was a blindspot before. I'm interested in hearing other people's approach to these things.

Who is your go to spiritual teacher or guru? Who do you always find yourself coming back to, because of the valuable perspectives they've given you?

How do you find motivation for bettering yourself or life situation after an abiding awakening? (if you have bad habits; unhealthy eating or bad sleep patterns etc. or having the motivation to train or work towards something)

your 4th and 5th trip is very similar to an experience I had smoking weed alone one day. First time I have smoked alone, with the intention of having a breakthrough. I experienced it as if my whole life had been lead up to this exact point, where everything I ever believed in disappeared in the matter of "seconds". I disappeared into infinite fractals (I was laying under a tree, and the branches turned into the fractals I became/was.) Funny thing is I put on a meditation by mooji just before my breakthrough, and I was hearing gods voice through him. Every time a personal thought came into this infinite space and there was a little believe, I could see the fractals going back into reality, and then back into fractals everytime I realized the non truth of the thoughts. This was going on for eternity. Thoughts I remember was thoughts like "is this really gonna go for eternity" and then an amazing insight would come and bliss me out. Suddenly I was back in my body and the 18 minute meditation was still going, I looked around and what I was met with was simply awe-inspiring. Out of nothing all of this was created. Everything is literally god playing with himself. I went home and went on youtube, and I was hearing every guru that I listened to before in totally different light. I (god) was talking through all of these people to myself, about how to navigate this "game" I have made. I was amazing myself with the reality that I created as If it was the first time I had ever heard it. A video I remember I saw at this point was this: I was talking to myself through these to guys, and the insights were amazing. A very big insight that I had was that everything does wake up when you wake up. From the standpoint of god, everything is god.

I have been wondering a bit about the mind-body's self development and growth after the realizing of the true self. I have noticed that my personal drive and motivation has gone down quite a bit, as the interest doesn't lie in the personal identity that much anymore. This has made me pretty careless when it comes to changing my bad habits. I find myself eating bad food, going to sleep late and all the other stuff you do when your in that kind of cycle. The personal drive to change this is close to gone though, and I'm unsure if this is just my mind using the insight I have gotten as an excuse to indulge in unhealthy activities. I believe that caring for your body while being in human form is very important, relatively. But it seems like my suffering before was one of the biggest motivators to change my habits, and now looking from the perspective of one who doesn't experience much suffering, it's hard to do the things I know is "best" for the body. Thoughts?

You can not stop the mind, using the mind. When the mind is overwhelmed, it is always talking about you in correlation to the situation. Then the natural instinct is to resist the feeling that comes with the situation, which as you said only creates more suffering. You can not DO nothing and the acceptance has to be deeper that the mind trying to get rid of the feelings. In situations where your mind is overwhelmed it is because all of your attention is on it. You are fuelling the mind by giving it so much attention. But don't think too much about this when it's happening, because then you'll just be frustrated that you can't get your attention of your mind haha. Although in my experience it helps to realize that your attention is on the mind at that moment. This creates a small distance. Then realize that the mind is just rambling about all sort of shit, and that you believe everything that it is saying. See that the mind is occuring in you and therefore can't be you. This creates a bigger distance between you and your mind, if it clicks, and will therefore instantly ease up your emotional state. This requires a lot of awareness though, and can be very frustrating when it doesn't "click." But observe the frustration too.

I had the exact same thoughts and concerns as you have, before I had a really profound and authentic awakening experience. For the ego the idea that everything is one can be very grim or very beautiful, depending on how you look at it. But it can never be grasped by the thinking mind. A lot of what Leo says in his video is the same information I received through my own experience. You the ego who has these mind based ideas and fears about enlightenment is not the one who wakes up. The character in the dream can't wake up, as he is a part of it. The absolute beauty of life, can not be appreciated through unawakened eyes. I'm not saying that I'm enlightened or an awakened being. I'm not. The ego is very much still there. You don't see it and then spend the rest of your life blissed out. A lot of integration has to be done after, in almost every case, I believe. But when the seeing goes deep enough, you can not unsee it or forget it. The interpretations of what you saw will always be wrong to an extend though, when taking over by the mind.

I knew yesterday that it was finally my time. I was gonna smoke some weed alone, which I have never done before, and surrender completely. I went outside and sat on a bench and smoked my joint, my ego had a lot of bubbling and I laid down on the bench. My heart began pounding faster than it had ever pounded and I completely surrendered to the fact that I was going to die. I stopped holding on to anything, and the world that I thought I new crystallized into complete nothingness and everything was at the same time. I saw everything as it was and spent eternity in this place. Then suddenly I was back laying on this bench outside. I got up and went home, knowing that none of this is real. You wake up to the fact that all of this is just a play of consciousness. There is no control and no one controlliling, only experiencing. Everything is intimately interconnected, everything is pure experience, there is nothing to worry about and no one left to worry. Everything is appearing on the screen of consciousness. It is the eternal play of infinite possibilities. It is freedom.

I'm right there with you my friend. I also had a very strong LSD trip, and some LSD flashbacks on weed. I've also had awakening experiences while meditating. I have a hard time observing my thoughts and emotions without attaching or interfering, and they have gotten pretty strong lately. I think it's my ego that has taken the knowledge that i've learned from spiritual teachers on youtube and is using the methods given by them to hide within. It's really hard noticing when this happens, as it from the perceived point of view seems like I'm observing without attaching, but one good rule is to remember that if you're not in a light, joyful or peaceful state then you are not perceiving from the state of the self. The harder I try to observe and meditate the worse it gets, when I'm in a deep meditation suddenly something within me says "stop," and then it seems like I'm transforming into another dimension where there is complete stillness without mind. There is really nothing "you" can do to wake up.

So I'm done reading "A new earth" by Eckhart Tolle, and I really can't understand this part: THE FREQUENCY-HOLDERS The outward movement into form does not express itself with equal intensity in all people. Some feel a strong urge to build, create, become involved, achieve, make an impact upon the world. If they are unconscious their ego will, of course, take over and use the energy of the outgoing cycle for its own purposes. This, however, also greatly reduces the flow of creative energy available to them and increasingly they need to rely on “efforting” to get what they want. If they are conscious, those people in whom the outward movement is strong will be highly creative. Others, after the natural expansion that comes with growing up has run its course, lead an outwardly unremarkable, seemingly more passive and relatively uneventful existence. They are more inward looking by nature, and for them the outward movement into form is minimal. They would rather return home than go out. They have no desire to get strongly involved in or change the world. If they have any ambitions, they usually don’t go beyond finding something to do that gives them a degree of independence. Some of them find it hard to fit into this world. Some are lucky enough to find a protective niche where they can lead a relatively sheltered life, a job that provides them with a regular income or a small business of their own. Some may feel drawn toward living in a spiritual community or monastery. Others may become dropouts and live on the margins of society they feel they have little in common with. Some turn to drugs because they find living in this world too painful. Others eventually become healers or spiritual teachers, that is to say, teachers of Being. I don't get this part at all. Why would you turn to drugs after awakening? Why would this world be too painful to live in, after awakening to the truth? The way every spiritual teachers refers to the truth, is the peace and bliss that comes with it. Why would the world be too painful to live in, if you awaken to the truth of all there is. How can the Enlightenment, which is supposed to be "the end of suffering" in Buddhas words, lead to this.

Thank you for this

Enlightenment isn't really that easy to attain, as there are many years of egoic conditioning deep inside us all. I think a lot of people would have done it if it was that easy. I've had enlightening experiences, and these questions would probably seem very insignificant from an enlightened perspective. But there's no where else to go, we won't go anywhere after enlightenment, so It's a pretty valid question in my opinion. Why would you turn to drugs after enlightenment? Can you answer that question?