tsuki

@kindayellow To accept whatever arises is not a permission to bypass your emotions. Instead of cultivating self-talk, I'd rather suggest pen and paper journaling, or recording notes. This way, you could revisit your ruminations after some psychological distance has been built. The way in which we're treating ourselves internally is shocking and worth paying attention to.

My wife just gave this to me as a birthday present. A DIY dreamcatcher! Actually, it's her 30th birthday but we agreed to celebrate it together.

This is such a goldmine: Affective neuroscience https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Affective_neuroscience#Main_structures_of_the_limbic_system

From what I was able to gather, it is believed that LSD works similarly to serotonin. I have never stumbled across any scientific study on LSD (but then again I wasn't looking for it). The very few trips that I had were some of the most profound events in my life.

@Rebecca Kalamata I know that writing style. I'm glad to see you back. Thank you for your message. Now that the guilt is out of the way, what am I going to do with the rest of my life? Like, live it? Nonono, that's waaaay to scary. I'd have to actually do what I want and that could turn out not the way I wanted... How do you people get this wonderful kind of energy?

@Preety_India I just read through your thread and I have zero advice for you. I admire your strength and wish you a hasty recovery.

Hmm... I just realized that I have this belief that in order to feel vulnerable, I need to rip my heart open by feeling devalued. Like, by reading a bunch of stuff about narcissism and understanding how it fits my behavior. That makes me feel the way I like. It makes me think that I'm truthful to myself, that I'm doing the work. That I understand my weaknesses and I will be "better". I also have this belief that truth about myself necessarily hurts, that it feels like a slap to the face. Hmmm... Makes me think about this question ?

Have you ever tripped on LSD?

ABSOLUTELY FASCINATING. Parts of the brain that deal with disgust to physical phenomena (like rotten food) activate in response to abstract ideas such as incest, cannibalism, etc. Moral reasoning is oftentimes occurs only afterwards as a rationalization. (4:32) - on serotonin. It seems like dopamine in the PFC stimulates it to do more emotional regulation. Who would have thought. I wonder how heroin screws that up. In animals, lower levels of serotonin are linked to aggression and antisocial behavior. In humans, administering serotonin-like substances increases PFC metabolism, except for individuals with history of antisocial violence. I wonder how LSD would work on sociopaths.

Now that's interesting. "Repressive personalities" and elevated metabolism in prefrontal cortex (57:18). Super interesting: inverse correlation between metabolism in amygdala and prefrontal cortex. People with damage to PFC cannot learn to disassociate from fear, even through repeated experience. There are cases when PFC stimulates amygdala (when culturally expected behavior is difficult, like sacrificing your life for your country, etc).

Thank you for your encouragement. It means a lot to me. I'm sorry to hear that. Lots of questions are going through my mind right now. ______________ A picture that I found on PTSD Canada facebook group that I found reassuring: ______________________________________- The part about aggression starts at 52:14

My god, this is so insanely interesting. @Preety_India Thank you for sharing this. May I ask how long did the relationship last?

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/modern-minds/201710/8-great-books-the-evolved-psychology-sex-and-passion Interesting fact: the amygdala is responsible for anxiety, fear and agression, but in males it is also responsible for sexual arousal. http://www.ejhs.org/volume16/Amygdala.html Hormones related to pair bonding that are released during sexual intercourse (around 1 hr mark in the video): https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vasopressin (males) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oxytocin (females)

Interesting book: Descartes' Error: Emotion, Reason, and the Human Brain

@Aeris Can you post the link? This is the only thing I was able to find:

Incredibly important.

You mean that I deliberately look for my own faults so that I can blame the world's problems on myself so that they make sense? No, I don't think so. I think it's more like I'm isolated/walled off to the point where I'm trying to be my own mirror. The fact that your body does not know the difference between play-abuse and real abuse even if you know this difference intellectually. Freudians claim that sex on the subconscious level is a re-creation of the infant's connection to his/her parents. If you were mistreated by them, then you are re-living this experience and possibly re-traumatizing yourself. Have you read anything on trauma bonding, where partners are locked in a cycle of abuse because of their symmetric past? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Traumatic_bonding https://www.instagram.com/the.holistic.psychologist/

For the past few days, I haven't been journaling because I've been busy and because my mindset was shifting too quickly to record it. The past few days went on like this: My wife met with a wardrobe stylist and spent a lot of money on the clothes she thought that she needed. I bought myself noise cancelling headphones for work. We spent a lot of money that day and it destabilized me emotionally. It spiraled out to a fight that lasted for a day. In the evening, I was overwhelmed when my wife's female acquaintance came over and later on that night I lost control. My emotions were all over the place and I was sexually frustrated. Despite my efforts to keep them to myself, I started blaming my wife for my insecurities. This had led to sex we both didn't want and we both felt badly about it afterwards. We had a discussion afterwards and had a few agreements regarding sex. I had a therapy session. I shared my discoveries about NPD and autism. The therapist never considered the possibility of me having Asperger syndrome and she seemed convinced that my upbringing was enough to lower my empathy. I shared the above mentioned situation and told her how I see it. I had a narrative related to my misogyny, but she walked me through my emotions and showed me how they were context-dependent. She was insisting on that I should stop diagnosing myself. We came to an agreement that I can record the sessions and listen to them afterwards. The whole session filled me with hope and helped me regain balance after what happened the day before. I got in touch with a friend from many years ago, back when I was gaming a lot. I have an urge to spend some time with him and play a few games together. He's in UK for several years. On Friday, we had All Saints' day in Poland and we decided to go on a holiday to Gdańsk. The noise cancelling headphones proved extremely valuable. My social battery was remarkably larger thanks to them and I was able to spend two whole days sightseeing until the physical fatigue got the better of us. It was romantic and I had a surprisingly good time. Too many details to remember or share, but there was a lot of food and awesome places. After wearing the NC headphones for two days I started noticing that noise cancellation in the right speaker was creating noise. After wearing them at work for the whole day, I returned them on warranty (lots of anxiety, stress and overthinking). The lady was very nice and gave me a full refund with the possibility to exchange the product for something different. I returned my Bose 700s and went for Sony WH-1000XM3. They seem much better despite being cheaper. We spent the evening at the neighbor's home, chatting. Today we have a couple's therapy session and I'm eager to see how it will turn out. Obviously, I did not schedule the trip's activities and I also had two cups of coffee.

26:53 - 31:42 - this is an important distinction. The narcissist is basically a person addicted to other people's positive reactions. His/her goal in life is to perfect the appearance to such a degree that you would get hooked on his/her presence and provide admiration/approval/etc. Sexually speaking, they perfect their technique to "break" you for other people so that you can't have sex with anybody else (or at least that's what they want you to think). All the while, they unconsciously abuse you because they project their early childhood perpetrator onto you and seek revenge. This infinite shapeshifting is possible because the narcissist is traumatized to the point where his true (emotional) self is no longer present. Narcissism is a form of (C)PTSD induced in early childhood. The narcissist is a "terminator/lizard hybrid" with the sole purpose of getting attention and admiration. A skilled actor. There are two kinds of narcissists - cerebral and somatic. The cerebral narcissist (that could be me, but I would argue that it doesn't fit): The cerebral narcissist feels that sex is demeaning and degrading (Not my conscious way of seeing it, but I've been interested in BDSM for a very long time. Never hid this fact and I don't think it's demeaning if it is mutually consented. However, I now think that it is a form of re/traumatization regardless of consent.) feels that acting on one’s sex drive is a primitive and common impulse. (it is a primitive common impulse, but it's not in any way demeaning in this way. I am okay with seeing myself as an animal.) above all that, endowed as he is with superior intellect and superior self-control. (nope, I never held myself back with regards to sex and I never took restraint as a virtue. I do think, however that I have an above-average intellect. I am weary of sounding arrogant, but my anger gets the better of me sometimes and I get the feedback that I am arrogant.) The cerebral narcissist does not enjoy sex and prefers mastrubation or emotionless sex (such as going to prostitutes). (No, I strongly prefer sex. Masturbation is something completely different from sex and inferior ime. Never been to a prostitute, I'd be afraid of one.) has bouts of sexual hyperactivity in which he frequently changes sexual partners and regards them simply as objects. (Nope, but I have a tendency to objectify women.) the hyper-sexuality appears mainly after significant narcissistic crises. (Nope. After what I could consider "narcissistic crises", I have zero sex drive or impulse). The somatic narcissist (that would definitely not be me, but it's the ultimate juvenile male fantasy): The somatic narcissist resorts to serial sexual conquests; his sex partners are considered by him to be mere objects – sources of narcissistic supply (never had a serial sexual conquest, but I would love to have one if I wasn't married and would be afraid of the consequences at the same time) seduction (nope, I'm socially awkward. Even with my wife lol) uses sex to conquer (BDSM?) mechanical act (I was always afraid of being mechanical, but it does get routine) rarely emotionally involved: as will need to move on and get new supply (Nope. I love my wife.) huge distinction between the primary and secondary source of supply (madonna - whore complex). (Nope.) views all sexual conquests in a negative light (smear) (Nope.) This is my main gripe with the theory that I have an NPD. Perhaps, I do have narcissistic traits, but I don't think that I have NPD. I had fantasized of things that a person having an NPD would do, but I have never done them. I am also fully aware of their destructive potential for the relationship. Certainly, I am misogynistic and I attribute that to the poor parenting on the part of my mother (that is the psychotherapist's opinion). The rest of the symptoms similar to NPD I currently understand in terms of high functioning autism/Asperger's syndrome. This seems to be confirmed by the Autism book from the booklist (I'm halfway through), my poor empathizing skills, abnormal use of spoken language, few facial expressions and rigid routines. This also seems to be confirmed by my mother in law's observations and she works with autistic children in kindergarten. The main difference between Asperger's syndrome and NPD seems to be that the cause is biological, rather than developmental. Persons with Asperger's syndrome do not hurt others to satisfy their addiction to the feeling of grandiosity, but rather - express their emotions abnormally and they are interpreted by others as hurtful. Apart from being a mismatch on the communication level, I may have a lesser nuance in perceiving my own emotions. This "diagnosis" does not invalidate the hurts that I've inflicted, but gives me reassurance in my cognitive ability. Previously, I was sure that the emotional system is hidden from "my" sight (as in NPD) and it acts independently from my intention. This created a lot of doubts about my ability to reason independently and left me in a self-doubting spiral for weeks. I need to find a professional that specialized in autism to test me. I will start researching autism as soon as I'm done with narcissistic sexuality.

Sam Vaknin's blog entries and other texts on sexuality of narcissists: https://groups.google.com/forum/#!topic/NARCISSISTIC-PERSONALITY-DISORDER/zSc-mPntsfs http://samvak.tripod.com/faq29.html <~ A very important one http://samvak.tripod.com/faq18.html http://samvak.tripod.com/faq61.html http://samvak.tripod.com/intimacyabuse.html http://samvak.tripod.com/journal60.html http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse14.html This one is really good: https://www.balancepsychologies.com/post/2018/04/12/the-peculiar-sexual-behaviours-of-a-narcissist

@DrewNows The video was helpful, but it confused me even more where I lie on the spectrum. I'll elaborate on that in the journal entry. Thank you for sharing it, I appreciate it. @Serotoninluv Thank you. It really is a struggle for me to share this stuff. I don't want to share the things that are too intimate, but these were the things that were the part of my shadow that I was blind to. Here are some videos on sexuality of narcissists. I'm kind of leaning towards not having a full-blown NPD, but narcissistic traits in conjunction with undiagnosed Asperger's syndrome. I'm reading the booklist book on Autism and there are several other leads that point to this possibility. W full playlist: