BMKemp

@Matt8800 thanks I have never done a job in my life which I've "liked". I am working on ideas for getting back into work.

I would love to be able to relate to someone on this, I feel very similar to Leo, I understand his staunch direction in his life and discernment of his parents and his childhood. I have been fucking left at 26 years old with no fucking clue what life is about and how to live. I was bullied as a kid, and went on to become a professional sportsman but I haven't got a fucking clue what this life is about or how to live it. I am homeless, bankrupt, sick (in physical pain) and experience chronic anxiety every single day. I have no idea how to go about getting my life back in a place where I can enjoy the present moment again. I live in hell and medicate myself with distracting videos/games/internet chatter/masturbating/drinking/smoking/thinking etc etc. Above all I am so angry I don't know how to deal with this feeling whatsoever and want a solution quick.

I also think that I am scared of myself, I cannot fully be myself because I don't want to get too attached to who I truly am, mortal, physical, dangerous...etc Any ways in which I can focus on this would be great.

Thanks I will take it on board. I have seen therapists in the past and it’s been somewhat helpful. I just am thinking about this journey we’re all on and whether or not it’s even worth the trouble, you’re never secure in yourself, you have to always grow or otherwise you will get left behind. Like if I meet someone what’s to say they meet someone better after getting fully invested in them. And coming to terms with the loss which I know I am able to do will it even be worth the effort even though I know being with someone and around them is better than being alone logically speaking so that kind of squashes that idea...Like building a family or being part of a community and then losing it forever what would it even be for...I guess this really is a straight up rat race of an existence in some ways over forever and it needs to be that way in order for our species to survive and thrive and for the universe to become conscious of itself. What a bizarre journey to be a part of its just a lot of hard work isn’t it. I think I want to find that meaningful feeling again. Being aligned with the divine purpose of life if there is even such a thing. Even if there isn’t then the journey can still be fun but I need a damn good enough reason to bother I have huge dreams which I would love to realise but will I ever even be able to do so. I definitely have an entitlement issue/narcissistic traits and I think I don’t want to face this reality and cover it with this joking face looking life in the face but under that surface is a fucking scared man who has potential to be something in the world but that kind of isn’t good enough at the same time.

Thanks I am extremely alone. I have isolated myself because I am ashamed of myself and am so angry that it’s hideous to have that feedback from others in social setting I just need a solution.

I lied, technically I am not homeless, I have a home in which I am welcome to eat, sleep and live. But it isn’t pleasant at all. It’s awful.

Dinone - being happy, safe, warm, a future, a friend, a community. A dream realisable.

are you talking to me?

how did it happen? @CreamCat

whats wrong with idolising him?

problem with that though is that you will end up requiring 6 hour walks to get tired soon.

London UK?

Thanks @Quanty, can you go into a little more depth with your experience and how it unfolded? i am the same as @Viking I’ve been holding onto anger which is so deep routed I cannot believe, it’s essentially the fabric of my entire life and has been the driving force for everything. The anger is more like rage and it is wholly debilitating. I literally cannot think, cannot do anything, I am totally debilitated. i have suffered depression for 7 years but hands down this anger complex is unquestionably the route of all my suffering and it’s linked heavily to my dad. He has depression and suffers outbursts of rage. I’ve grown up in this household and it’s clear to me now how chronic this issue is. I cannot even get close to conving the magnitute of the anger. It is riddled in every single cell of me. I have come to sympathise with some types of murderers, and very violent people whereas previously I had no idea.

Hey Leo, I think there are many people out there who don't know how to emotionally heal. They have been manipulated by society, manipulated by people and are confused and are ill. They need healing. Depression is affecting 200million people worldwide. Answers are needed on emotional healing. Best Ben

Well well we got a healing video!!

An interesting video made sense to me one of Leo’s, his victim video which doesn’t really apply to me but he covered the stage after victim thinking which was fighter and then creator and then actualised life (can’t remember name). I generally feel that I fall into the category of fighter at present. I have a lot of fighter energy. I am like a raging lion inside who is so fucking angry at why life hasn’t gone my way. I want to find an English version of Leo. Too much of what he says is rooted in American culture and is difficult to apply to me. He has the American style fighter energy inside him but the English style I feel is more a compassionate route to enlightenment. A lot which is going through me at the moment is thinking about what to do with my life. It’s been a reflective period over the last month or so when I’ve been out of work. Thinking about my life, the people involved, the experiences/thoughts/feelings, it’s all been surfacing. I want to see my psychotherapist again but I’m untrustworthy of him.

Context: Ben 24 UK Sabbatical - previously in finance Depression Documenting my thoughts and feelings. This won't come from a place of will power, more so from a place of a desire to heal and to express my journal of every day thoughts and feelings. Please feel free to comment. March 20th 2018: Thoughts: I am lost There's nothing I can do that will make me happy Everything is fragmented Nothing makes sense I feel uncomfortable I feel out of control Everything is linked I can't commit to anything I block out feelings How do I relax Everything appears half-hearted I know I'm not enlightened yet Feelings: frustrated - seemingly at not knowing if I'm making progress emotionally needy - wanting hugs and to feel love confused - every individual decision that is made, not knowing whether or not it is good or bad or whether it is from the source of consciousness or not

the scrambled nature of my existance is frustrating. I feel I fall into the category leo suggested that could be considered fighter energy or the fighter stage. I threw out the victim mindset and now am seeking answers and I want them. I am impatient, I am frustrated, angry, highly emotive.

seeking a path, feeling lost, searching constantly for truth. I want answers, feeling needy all the time, many thoughts racing through my mind about how to make progress faster (egoic). I don't even know what progress I seek.

Further thoughts today: If I am lost then I am finding something Experience: Everything has infinite depth, what is really going on here. 99.99% of the time we talk about the surface levels of what is happening but in every moment there is infinite. What is going on, why Why does this exist I don't have a life what is this experience What or who am I I am between periods of restlessness and periods of heightened awareness of racing thoughts everything feels fragmented

March 21st 2018: My obsession with knowing is destroying me, I cannot relax I want to know everything deep routed feeling of not good enough, not enough, I need more. I cannot be happy with me now. Does this link to being worthy of love, being safe in the group (family), respected by the main provider (father) and the fear of not. My next question that came to mind was how do I get rid of this feeling but that is further obsession.

Can you expand on your first comment? - "I feel like most of his videos are about healing". I know he talks about self-enquiry, this is more personal development rather than healing. But he does also discuss meditation/yoga which have more of healing aspect to them but there's a lack of compassion I feel? I'm not talking about a spiritual healer but yes I'd also be interested in that. I actually suspect he'll move towards this maybe in the future as people of his ilk I sense tend to move away from more aggressive topics (e.g. "How to be a strategic motherfucker" and "How to get shit done") to more compassionate topics centered around pain and recovery/healing. I actually think aside from his non-duality/enlightenment themes, this is probably the most powerful topic he could cover and I think a lot of his followers would benefit from having more capacity to recover/rest/heal. Going deeper into rest and recovery I feel can produce bigger better results as well.

But you don't seem to be aware of those feelings. They are much of your driving force. Sorry to come across as hard. I want to explore truth with you. You didn't address my comments around the original post, much of it is misleading I feel. There are lots of conclusions drawn and it doesn't feel truly known. Do you agree at all?

I think the original post is misleading. The idea of self is an illusion I agree, but where is the evidence for being connected apart from a feeling? There are many assumptions in the original post from what I feel is from a feeling of astonishment and insecurity leading to a desire to express an authoritian style lesson from Leo. Leo, did you experience feelings in your youth such as insecurity, weaknesses, powerless, less than, inferior? I feel these coming across and sense them in your videos. I feel like you should let yourself go, drift, wonder, fail, lose, mess up everything, throw it all away, be a pathetic loser and let it die when there. Anyone else agree?