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About BMKemp

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  1. @Matt8800 thanks I have never done a job in my life which I've "liked". I am working on ideas for getting back into work.
  2. I also think that I am scared of myself, I cannot fully be myself because I don't want to get too attached to who I truly am, mortal, physical, dangerous...etc Any ways in which I can focus on this would be great.
  3. Thanks I will take it on board. I have seen therapists in the past and it’s been somewhat helpful. I just am thinking about this journey we’re all on and whether or not it’s even worth the trouble, you’re never secure in yourself, you have to always grow or otherwise you will get left behind. Like if I meet someone what’s to say they meet someone better after getting fully invested in them. And coming to terms with the loss which I know I am able to do will it even be worth the effort even though I know being with someone and around them is better than being alone logically speaking so that kind of squashes that idea...Like building a family or being part of a community and then losing it forever what would it even be for...I guess this really is a straight up rat race of an existence in some ways over forever and it needs to be that way in order for our species to survive and thrive and for the universe to become conscious of itself. What a bizarre journey to be a part of its just a lot of hard work isn’t it. I think I want to find that meaningful feeling again. Being aligned with the divine purpose of life if there is even such a thing. Even if there isn’t then the journey can still be fun but I need a damn good enough reason to bother I have huge dreams which I would love to realise but will I ever even be able to do so. I definitely have an entitlement issue/narcissistic traits and I think I don’t want to face this reality and cover it with this joking face looking life in the face but under that surface is a fucking scared man who has potential to be something in the world but that kind of isn’t good enough at the same time.
  4. Thanks I am extremely alone. I have isolated myself because I am ashamed of myself and am so angry that it’s hideous to have that feedback from others in social setting I just need a solution.
  5. I lied, technically I am not homeless, I have a home in which I am welcome to eat, sleep and live. But it isn’t pleasant at all. It’s awful.
  6. Dinone - being happy, safe, warm, a future, a friend, a community. A dream realisable.
  7. I would love to be able to relate to someone on this, I feel very similar to Leo, I understand his staunch direction in his life and discernment of his parents and his childhood. I have been fucking left at 26 years old with no fucking clue what life is about and how to live. I was bullied as a kid, and went on to become a professional sportsman but I haven't got a fucking clue what this life is about or how to live it. I am homeless, bankrupt, sick (in physical pain) and experience chronic anxiety every single day. I have no idea how to go about getting my life back in a place where I can enjoy the present moment again. I live in hell and medicate myself with distracting videos/games/internet chatter/masturbating/drinking/smoking/thinking etc etc. Above all I am so angry I don't know how to deal with this feeling whatsoever and want a solution quick.
  8. are you talking to me?
  9. how did it happen? @CreamCat
  10. whats wrong with idolising him?
  11. problem with that though is that you will end up requiring 6 hour walks to get tired soon.
  12. Thanks @Quanty, can you go into a little more depth with your experience and how it unfolded? i am the same as @Viking I’ve been holding onto anger which is so deep routed I cannot believe, it’s essentially the fabric of my entire life and has been the driving force for everything. The anger is more like rage and it is wholly debilitating. I literally cannot think, cannot do anything, I am totally debilitated. i have suffered depression for 7 years but hands down this anger complex is unquestionably the route of all my suffering and it’s linked heavily to my dad. He has depression and suffers outbursts of rage. I’ve grown up in this household and it’s clear to me now how chronic this issue is. I cannot even get close to conving the magnitute of the anger. It is riddled in every single cell of me. I have come to sympathise with some types of murderers, and very violent people whereas previously I had no idea.
  13. Well well we got a healing video!!
  14. An interesting video made sense to me one of Leo’s, his victim video which doesn’t really apply to me but he covered the stage after victim thinking which was fighter and then creator and then actualised life (can’t remember name). I generally feel that I fall into the category of fighter at present. I have a lot of fighter energy. I am like a raging lion inside who is so fucking angry at why life hasn’t gone my way. I want to find an English version of Leo. Too much of what he says is rooted in American culture and is difficult to apply to me. He has the American style fighter energy inside him but the English style I feel is more a compassionate route to enlightenment. A lot which is going through me at the moment is thinking about what to do with my life. It’s been a reflective period over the last month or so when I’ve been out of work. Thinking about my life, the people involved, the experiences/thoughts/feelings, it’s all been surfacing. I want to see my psychotherapist again but I’m untrustworthy of him.