Flowerfaeiry

I'm sitting here in tears thinking about how I got into this situation. I have this complex about myself that insists I am better than that type of drama. But I attracted this into my life because I still haven't worked through a lot of the pain I have from my childhood. I recently moved into a home with 3 roommates. I noticed right away after moving in that I had gotten myself into a situation that I was trying to move away from, drinking and partying. But at the point of my realization, I had already moved in and was settled. In a new city, all by myself. Okay, I should be alright, right? Well, I have a history of using drugs and alcohol and I feel a very strong pull to do those things when I am around them. I thought I could just, not do it, and live in the house regardless. But I was needy, I wanted friends, and my roommates were partying so why wouldn't I join? I tried to not get involved but I was just drawn to the things happening all around me. This girl punched me because she didn't like me being friendly to her. I take full responsibility for it. I walked up to her, she was drunk, high and angry. I smiled at her. She called me a bitch and punched me. I didn't react. It's my fault for trying to prove to her that I am a nice person... I deserve that. I moved out the next day. But now I'm living in a hotel, alone in a new state. I keep turning inwards and looking at how I got myself into this situation. And it's a little overwhelming to see all the ways in which I am at fault for all my drama. I just feel like I should be over this by now. I've been really putting work in for 3 years but have been into spirituality for 10+ years. To think that all those years were just me lying to myself about how "spiritual and good" I am just pains me. I'm a liar to myself first and then to those around me. As a tall, white, pretty girl I have this look that makes me seem like I have my life together. But I am suffering deeply, and the only reason I'm not a homeless drug addict is because I have a really good support system. I just feel like such a fake.

I am eternally grateful for these teachings and ultimately do not regret discovering them. Yet I must tell you, I have many moments of exhaustion and it often feels overwhelming. Many times I find myself wondering what life would be like if I was a normie. I envy my peers who live life without much thought of the existential. I wish I could eat, sleep, shit, watch TV, hang out with friends, all without really trying to get to the truth of what is. Thinking about alllll the crap I tell myself on the daily is just a little too much. These high-level teachings are...wow... a fuck ton to digest. Am I the only one who feels this way? I have other teachers too, not just actualized, and still it's just a lot. All this personal development, deep thinking stuff is a lot. I kinda just want to lay in bed forever and forget it all. I won't, I mean, I've tried quitting multiple times. I keep trying to reason my way out of this stuff. I've told myself I'm done. Yet I can't quite give it up. I don't know. Maybe I'm just having a rough day.

If you have yet to watch Leo's video, or maybe you need a refresher, here's your opportunity. I keep returning to the lessons in this video. I recently got myself into a situation that I think could have been avoided if I had not been so hell bent on proving my "goodness" to the people around me. Having hundreds of psychedelic trips and sitting hundreds of hours in meditation doesn't make you any more enlightened than the next person, tbh. Don't walk around all high and mighty just because you've had a taste of the divine. In fact, you're in almost a worse position than the person who has not done any of those things, because now you have new ways to manipulate or abuse others through the guise of being a good person.

@DLH oh yeaa, thanks for that reminder

I feel the same way about LSD. I prefer to micro dose it, but even then it can be a bit much.

Didn't you make a post about this a couple weeks or so ago?

What do you mean? My understanding comes from direct experience. I have sat hundreds of hours in meditation, I have nearly 100 psychedelic experiences, I've watched videos, read books, I've been working on myself for years. Yea, I've fallen into the trap of just believing somethings, but I've also experienced many, many of these things with my own eyes. The problem is, I've taken these lessons and used them for evil. Used them in the wrong situations and haven't integrated what I've learned.

Women Who Run with the Wolves

I really like the images in the thumbnail. Very excited for these.

Do the counter intuitive thing and do nothing. Sit in your procrastination. Maybe even let yourself get really lazy. Soak it all in and love doing nothing. While you're doing this, don't judge yourself. Really accept it. I find once I give my body that break, I naturally want to start doing things again. I'm naturally drawn to being productive.

We've all heard it but, my job sucks. It is draining the life out of me and it is very difficult to work on my life purpose. I really cannot live my life like this for the next several years while building my life purpose. Heck I can hardly keep doing this job for the next week. I really don't like complaining about my job though, it's just hitting that point again where I'm super fed up. How, how can I muster up the strength to do my art and work this draining job? What did you do to build your life purpose while also working a job you hated? Any tips are appreciated...<3

I predict that in many many years humans will not rely on animal foods. But im talking hundreds of years. There are way too many people who actually need to eat animal foods to thrive. I used to be vegan. For 5 years. I'm of Norwegian decent. My hair thinned out and my digestion got out of whack without animal foods. I had a hard time eating enough for my slender frame. It just doesn't make sense at this stage in our human evolution. I dont see anything wrong with killing a cow for food. We are highly sensitive to this type of video because we don't see killing like at all in our society.

Is it possible you are saying I love you to everything all at once? I say thank you and I love you all the time

So there's this guy who I'm interested in and I've made it clear I'm interested. We actually had sex already. I don't mind pursuing but at what point do I stop and let him pursue me? If he doesn't pursue me does that mean he's not that interested?

Good ideas. Thanks. I sound sweet? Lol. Thanks for the advice tho.

This is SO helpful. Thank you! I really like the idea of looking at it like this. I've thought about pulling back a little. But I'm not trying to play pick me games too much

I used to be a walker and would walk many hours per day. Sometimes I listened to music or listened to audi books in Spanish to help me learn a new language. But, I really like walking in silence. Use the time to contemplate, like you mention. Also, use the time to walk mindfully. Breath while you walk, stop and smell the roses so to speak. Walking in New and different directions will keep things interesting and spark new ideas.

Talking about being honest with yourself with where you are at in life. Not getting ahead of yourself. This is a big one for me. He also touches on the depth of the amount of work he has put into actualized.org. If you had any doubts before about how hard he works, you won't now. His work ethic alone is inspiring. The other part of this video that I really like is reminding us that actualized.org is not about him, but about the ideas.

Then go play! That's the whole point of playing, forget about the rules and get out of your head, beyond ideas of what you "should" be doing.

The woman who runs this channel wears a niqab which is a face covering that is worn in the Islam religion. It is so interesting.

Yea for sure! I totally see it like this as well. In fact watching her has made me think about how I have put my beauty on display because I wanted attention. And It's almost like the more I was sort of careless around my beauty, the less beautiful I actually felt. Keeping a mystery about it actually amps up the beauty. In fact watching this woman I'm like damn, she's hot as f lol.

Love is what is always present. It's like a fan that is constantly blowing. Fear is a block to Love. It's like if someone put a piece of cardboard in front of the fan. The fan (love) is still there, blowing away, but the airflow has been blocked by fear (the cardboard).

Doing heart centered meditation helps cultivate that kind of love in your every day life. Sometimes i feel so much that it's unsettling, like I don't know what to do with all the love.

Yes

Wow I would love to travel there, yea I bet you do. I'm from Seattle and there are lots of women wearing hijab there, and at school I saw a couple niquabis but that was I think the only time I've seen it. At the time I thought, how extreme... Hahaha! So funny how we make stuff up like that. As children and as adults lol.