billiesimon

Now I cannot speak I lost my voice I'm speechless and redundant Cause "I Love You" is not enough I'm lost for words ??????????????? I feel better when I sing, I feel like a child again. I've never been so authentic and innocent in my life, now that something inside me is dying. Help me to heal, hear me. I promise I will help the world to heal ???

I don't know what to think anymore. Was my first small awakening bad? Sometimes I feel like it was. These days have been very rough on me emotionally. I got depressed for nothing, very easily. Today I've been really really depressed, hating my job, hating myself, hating my life, hating this fake illusion. And craving to dissolve into infinity. Yet... there's something that tells me that I might be healing, and not degrading. I don't know. Starting to wake up is harsher than I thought. It's not that pleasant. Well... it is greatly pleasant when the breakthrough happens, but now that I'm back into the illusion I feel lost. I have prayed today. I'm not a religious person, I've been an atheist for years. I have prayed because Consciousness hears me. I know it does. I know it wants to help me. Please, don't abandon me now. Please. Wake me up more, don't let me die physically. I want to help this world to heal, this is my mission. Please, help me, give me the strenght. I love you too ?

At some levels I regret having had this first breakthrough/small awakening. Because I feel completely lost now. Life is losing meaning. At other levels, I'm grateful because I can feel a lot deeper into my body, mind and emotions. And I have a better understanding of authenticity ?

I don't know. I've tried to meditate and clear the mind. It clears up, but the heavy bodyload of depression remains in the body. I feel like I'm insane. I have moments where I'm depressed and moments (like right now) where I listen to emotional songs and I'm happy like a child. I've never experienced anything like this, I feel like I have become broken.

To be honest, now it's been 4 days since the intense experience. And I seem to get worse and worse in mood. I thought the experience was going to make me happier in "normal" life, but I am feeling more and more depressed... what the hell? I have a growing lack of motivation and lack of passion for my life since then.

Totally agree. The interesting fact is that on reddit all the reports about 4-ho-met are about having fun and getting wasted

Yeah, 4-HO-MET works great with plugging. It is slow to come up though. It's around 20-30 mins of slow come-up. On empty stomach. But it shows great introspective power, even though it is a "party drug".

Yeah, but only recently because I was obsessed with reaching a first glimpse of Consciousness. I generally wait 4 weeks between psych trips And I'm still somehow a newbie. I intend to wait around 4 weeks before attempting another exploration of consciousness. Especially because this one was very intense ?

Thanks ? Seems like my literature studies at the university was valuable at least for writing reports

I've also... finally... had my FIRST spiritual awakening ever!!!! I am speechless... yet I've found some beatutiful and poetic words to describe it. I LOVE YOU TOO

HEALING THE SHADOWS I've been away for some days now, because of a lot of ups and downs. But I still kept my daily onenote diary And have made more progress in my shadows. I have healed another little bit of shyness and self worth. Yeah, I am important, I am free. I am part of this immensely valuable existence. ?????????

Thanks it was both the happiest moment of my life and the freakiest. But why can't I identify yet with being Consciousness? I've noticed that it has manifested as a "third person", talking to me, hugging me emotionally etc. Is there a reason why it does not still feel like I am the One? That Voice had to TELL me as a third person that I am one with it.

This is a very weird but amazing period for me. I am going through some hard moments, fights, crisis etc... but... I am also going through a lot of growing, spiritual growing and lifestyle growing. I am actually HAPPIER. I appreciate the present moment MORE. I can sometimes clearly feel that I am immersed in this ocean of existence, and I feel warm and slightly happy. Yeah, it's definitely one of the most important phases of my life. I am changing. This might be the change I have ALWAYS wanted in the past but never actually started. Now, i realize, it is HERE. I am living it in the present moment. Yeah. You have to trust the Consciousness in you. It is vibrant and alive. If you are ready to listen, it will show you the way to evolve. Thanks ???

No, my car is just parked near my house. I went for a walk and then relaxed inside the backseat of the car, because I was already outiside walking and I was tired

This has been the first experience where my ego gets deeply damaged and demolished, even though it is still not an ego death. Psychedelic: 10 mg of 4-HO-MET, plugged Empty stomach since 8 hours Time: around 8 pm I meditated 30 minutes before the session Intention: I want to "wake up" more to my true nature. I want to be more conscious. I also want to heal even more emotionally. ---- THE EXPERIENCE ---- I walk out of the house to get some fresh air and then find some nice spot to sit in the paeaceful evening. I feel the chemical becoming really intense on my body, but my mind is still completely clear. My body is now ON FIRE!!! I can literally feel hot lava flowing inside my limbs and internal organs. I'M FIRE!!!! I need to lay down on something as soon as possible, because my body is totally drunk and burning like hell. I reach my car, parked near the grassfield. I sit in there. THE EXPLOSION As soon as I relax inside the car... it's almost like the psychedelic realizes that I'm now safe and it can EXPLODE in my body without doing me harm. BOOM!!!! My body becomes enraged in flames, I feel tired but completely alive at the same time. I feel so alive and burning, like I'm on the highest fever ever. The visual field becomes suddenly blurred, and at this point the visuals kick in. I can see a lot of colorful distortions, the grass moves like in an abstract painting, the textures are moving on the objects. THE VISION I start to contemplate the scenery out of the car window. I try to relax my mind to enter into a meditative state. This is where the magic happens. Something is MOVING on the car window. Billiesimon starts to slowly disappear, as I notice that on the window there are little creature made of geometric shapes. These little geometric/prismatic creatures are swimming in this yellow flat surface, and they have their own identity, they start to build a civilization, they grow, they change, they expand!!! I am fascinated by these amazing creatures, as they work hard to create prismatic cities, as they change, some of them die, some of them are born, some of them wander off from the city.... IT IS SO BEAUTIFUL. LIFE IS SO BEAUTIFUL. They are alive. They seem like random geometric shapes but... they have life in them. They have a soul. At the end, their civilization dies.... In that moment... I realize.... . . . . It was just dust on the windows. It was. Just. Dust. Or were they real? Am I just returning to see the reality that fits my ego? These dust particles could really be vibrating with life and with conscious awareness. But the real insight was this: and it struck me like a LIGHTNING. I WAS THERE, WATCHING THEM, FOR ALL OF THE ETERNITY OF THEIR HISTORICAL LIFE. I was a silent, formless entity, watching them. I was not billiesimon. While I was watching them, I was like the eternal awareness of the universe, observing civilizations rise and fall. I did not have a body or an identity during their rise and fall as a civilization. . . . . Am I this entity here too? In human history? Am I eternal? Am I just observing human history the same way I was observing this geometric civilization rise and fall?!? ..... Silence. And mystery, engulfs me. I HAVE NO NAME The trip is constantly interrupted by egoic attacks, where my ego tries to remember constantly that "I am billiesimon, I am here, I have this age, I have this and that to do, bla bla bla", but I guess it is just a defense mechanism. Then it happens: a huge chunk of my ego collapses (this is not ego death). "Wait a minute, I actually have no name. I am not billiesimon. That's just a word that I am just conditioned to use, but it's not me. Who am I? I am not this body, I can be present in other realities without this body, I can witness other civilizations without this body and identity. Who am I?" "I DON'T KNOW. I really really don't know what I am. I just observe. That seems to be the only feature I have. I just observe. I am observing this life, this body, this human civilization. Observing, watching, is all I really do." How long have I been watching this billiesimon's life? Is it 30 years? Or is it just this one second? How long have I been watching what happens in general? Is it... eternity? I don't know. I HAVE ONLY ONE DUTY I walk the streets alone. I feel TOTALLY different now. I don't feel afraid of the dark. I don't feel afraid of what people think of me. I don't feel compelled to follow social norms (I'm still in the peak state, near to the come-down). I laugh. I realize that I am walking on a theater. I am living on a theater's stage. I feel it. BUT WHAT AM I?!? I NEED TO KNOW!!! I am not this person!!! I need to know if I am eternal. I need to know if I have truly witnessed all human history and all of the universe's history. How long have I been observing without KNOWING that I am observing?!?!? As I return home, I can feel the fakeness, the theater-like structure of my house, and my lifestyle. I look at the floor. I look at the floor, and concentrate on the void, to forget my usual identity. The floor starts to pulsate, the tiles become distorted and they emerge from the ground and shift, like monoliths from below. Under the tiles, I can now see endless and countless spirals swirling under the ground, like an ocean of madness and absolute chaos. I freak out. As soon as my ego claims that I am Biliesimon, the tiles and the floor turns back to TOTALLY NORMAL. Zero visuals. Yeah. It's my ego. My ego keeps this reality "human-like". But... it's not actually in this form. Or maybe this is just a crystallized form of reality. . . . I need to know!!! My only mission in this "life" is to know myself!! I now get it!!! I am here ONLY to wake up. I am here because MySelf wants to wake up, it wants to understand what the fuck is happening here!!!! I now get it... I know get it... I AM ASLEEP. I am still NOT awake, I am far far away from being awake.... but I now GET IT: I'M ASLEEP!!!! The question remains. I have no name, no identity. But still, I need to find out what I am. My only mission here on this earth is to wake up.

It is described as a noob psychedelic by almost all the wikis and articles. But in my particular case it was actually stronger than LSD, which is regularly listed as a more potent psych. It depends on the individual I guess. But on the average trip report you can find that 4-HO-MET is very light hearted and party-like.

Wow, amazing!!! I'm gonna read your report. Well, it definitely is not a recreational psych. ANd my dosage was not high, it was pretty low: 10 mg. Generally a medium dosage is around 15-20 mg. But it absolutely is a POWERFUL psychedelic, especially for the dreamy and hallucinatory visuals. They really shock you out of normal reality I've never had such hallucinations with LSD.

Here's the last trip report ??? I am on a deep journey right now. The most important of my life. Maybe the only reason of my life.

Yeah, that's the amazing and mindblowing mystery of psychedelics. But the question remains: why are there specific objects in the dream that can awaken the dreamer?

I've been away for a few days, but keeping my onenote journal, because I have had some shadow work to do and some late evening meditations and relaxation processes. And then.... Yesterday I've had my first psychedelic breakthrough. I'm going to talk about it on a trip report very soon ?

I'm not an expert on shadow work, but I've practiced it quite a lot and explored with different techniques. This release was first experienced with LSD, like you but then I managed to get them sober too. You have to dive deep into what you truly feel is LACKING in your life. Is it freedom? Is it self-love? (for me it's those two) Is it stability and abundance? Is it finding your passion? The pain you feel has a distinct taste to it. If you really really listen to it you will find that it's communicating some kind of lack or repressed quality The best mindset is repeating to yourself that "it is calling me everyday, I can hear it"! ?

I am healing, it's finally happening ? I have waited for so many years to finally FEEL this, to finally stop thinking about it and learning and studying about it. I now start to understand. I'm not enlightened at all, but after one psychedelic breakthrough in shadow work, and three sober breakthroughs (in shadow work too), the last one happened a few hours ago.... I finally start to feel what it means to feel alive ??? Today I've had a huge moment of mental suffering, monkey mind, paranoia, excessive thinking etc... I was so tired of this... I just wanted to... be free. A dear friend of mine helped me to process this moment of pain, helping me with some visualizations and asking how I feel. At the end I just felt it, and it was as strong as in my last LSD trip, but this time it was sober. ? I am free, I've always been free. And I have forgotten what it means to be free expression. I have no fixed character, I am just a free roaming child, who has learned how to behave in a fixed character. What do you really want? What is the core of your happiness? I JUST WANT TO BE FREE. I JUST WANT TO BE MYSELF. Not a specific set of rules, behaviours and identities. I just want to exist fully. I'm sick of being defined as "this" or "that". It's just causing me suffering. I have cried so much today. It was painful, but it was joyful too. I have really enjoyed this feeling. Maybe there's no negative in crying, maybe I'm just here to be colors, to be what I happen to be, to just be here. I am here ? I am here because I must have wanted to be here! I am no mistake. I don't know what's happening to me, I feel so weird. But I'm happier. I don't want to think so much anymore, I just want to be expression, I want to be all the colors that I want to be. I'm still crying while writing this, but now these tears feel so true. They are so trueeeeeeee ??? I am my own truth, there is nobody out there telling me what I am, I'm just here, alive, I'm just here, and I want to stay connected here, to my heart, to my will to exist. It feels so much like a psychedelic trip, but I am completely sober since weeks.... I still have all these worrying thoughts about my life, but NOW I don't care. I DON'T CARE about them!!! Because now I can FEEL the freedom of just being here. I'm still crying. I'm healing. There is no fear, only ?????????? Thanks, especially @Leo Gura

Thanks I'm still healing, the path is not finished. You can heal too. Shadow work and self inquiry are your best bet ?

Love you ?

It's finally happening ?????? I am finally healing. I can be free ? I am free, I am free, I am free, I am free. I am myself, and everything else I try to be is false, is ignorance.