Thought Art 📓

[Thought Art]

This song… this band…. 
 

I think if I was God, which apparently I am, If I could create anything I would make profound music like this. But, here I am a fucking wage slave who is getting older. Just turned 30. Reality is a mystery. Why am I too stupid? Or confused? 
 

Why would God imagine my life? Why am I not up on that stage like, every night? 
 

Also, what’s with the rucking tinnitus?! 
 

I feel like reality should have been designed differently.

 

Anyway, I’m gonna keep trying to get this this low I feel and this victim complex. I am making progress on my next music project. 

Edited Tuesday at 11:42 AM by Thought Art

[Thought Art]

I wish I could start over with what I know. 
 

Anyway, life doesn’t owe me anything for whatever reason. 
 

Solipsism makes no sense in that if I was solipsistic and sovereign I would create the life of my dreams. This is my gripe with these concepts and even realities. Selfishness is actually the only thing that makes sense if solipsism is true. I don’t mean evil necessarily, but to serve your highest vision for yourself. 
 

My highest vision for myself is being a profound musician. 
 

The last couple years I thought maybe that wasn’t the case but here it is.

It’s really the only thing I want but I feel like there is so much in the way of that dream. Sure, could I enjoy life as a mediocre person? Yeah, 

But, I just don’t see the point. You might as well have born me as a donkey or a duck or something then. Getting up, being a slave and taking a shit before bed…. Why let me dream? 
 

I am putting the work and investments into music now. I’m cutting out distractions. However, I have to work, and my financial plan involves me working remotely which makes practicing and socializing right now impossible. But, it helps me get out of debt and save money which is important. This way I am able to earn and save well beyond what is possible in a city with insane living expenses. I don’t have to pay rent or food and I make more than double what I did with my education 
 

The truth is this chapter is not what I would like at 30. 
 

My 20s resulted in lots of lessons, failures and experiences that are valuable. But, they don’t result in a profound success. I would like to be better off at 30.

In my 20s I played some festivals, made music videos and touched people’s hearts with music. I sold my first Qigong coaching program, and thousands of people have followed my Qigong routines. But, I’m still a wage slave. Still in debt. And I hate that. 

Edited Tuesday at 11:56 AM by Thought Art

[Thought Art]

I went through a deep hopelessness this week. I think travelling I don’t sleep properly for 3 days. Then, starting this new job which is only for money I realized how I’ll have to endure actually doing it everyday…. I hate being a slave. 
 

Dark times, suicidal thoughts, hopelessness. 
 

Things which I feel from time to time. 
 

I lose the big picture of my dreams and how I strategically chose these jobs to solve problems. It’s just u sense I’m getting older which creates this panic of running out of time. Old age does scared me and I worry I’ll be too old before my dreams can be made real. Then, suicide is the only option because I’m not living a shithole old age wage slave life. 
 

I’m gonna keep focusing on sleep because that seems to be the thing that’s helping me bounce back. I also enjoy breathwork, Qigong, acupressure and journaling to help ground me. 
 

…. life should be profound and awesome. I don’t want a boring life tbh. I want success, creativity, and to make and share music in a meaningful way. Unfortunately, for whatever reason that isn’t guaranteed which is really stupid design. Again, solipsism and tinnitus, and how fucking hard reality is is a stupid design. I’m not saying it should be so easy to not have value but… tinnitus is a stupid feature to reality. Fuck God for tinnitus. 
 

anyway, I’m off to be a fucking wage slave. 
 

 

Edited Tuesday at 12:17 PM by Thought Art

[Thought Art]

I don’t want to be a whiner either! But, I gotta vent! 
 

The only person to blame for my life is me. And, my survival programming which I don’t choose. Maybe if my family wasn’t the way it was I’d be more successful. All that trauma and programming I got from my youth made it impossible to be successful in my teens and early 20s. It’s really a shame. 
 

If I was 15, stable home without alcoholic dad… actualized teachings that would be solid. But, God had other plans I guess. Let’s give him an unstable alcoholic dad, ADHD, then when he tries to be a musician let’s give him fucking tinnitus. WTF
 

I have to figure out a way of seeing my life, despite it being dogshit compared to my dreams as worthwhile. I need to make it worthwhile. Tinnitus is really a dogshit fucked up thing though. Fuck tinnitus. 

Edited Tuesday at 12:22 PM by Thought Art

[Thought Art]

I’ll process…. 

[Thought Art]

I feel my emotions and thoughts stabilizing.

Though, my challenges remain. 

[Thought Art]

Funny how mind and state work.

My ambition is so huge but resources so small. So annoying.

Edited Tuesday at 08:06 PM by Thought Art

[Thought Art]

Feeling better!