Thought Art 📓

[Thought Art]

This song… this band…. 
 

I think if I was God, which apparently I am, If I could create anything I would make profound music like this. But, here I am a fucking wage slave who is getting older. Just turned 30. Reality is a mystery. Why am I too stupid? Or confused? 
 

Why would God imagine my life? Why am I not up on that stage like, every night? 
 

Also, what’s with the rucking tinnitus?! 
 

I feel like reality should have been designed differently.

 

Anyway, I’m gonna keep trying to get this this low I feel and this victim complex. I am making progress on my next music project. 

Edited November 11 by Thought Art

[Thought Art]

I wish I could start over with what I know. 
 

Anyway, life doesn’t owe me anything for whatever reason. 
 

Solipsism makes no sense in that if I was solipsistic and sovereign I would create the life of my dreams. This is my gripe with these concepts and even realities. Selfishness is actually the only thing that makes sense if solipsism is true. I don’t mean evil necessarily, but to serve your highest vision for yourself. 
 

My highest vision for myself is being a profound musician. 
 

The last couple years I thought maybe that wasn’t the case but here it is.

It’s really the only thing I want but I feel like there is so much in the way of that dream. Sure, could I enjoy life as a mediocre person? Yeah, 

But, I just don’t see the point. You might as well have born me as a donkey or a duck or something then. Getting up, being a slave and taking a shit before bed…. Why let me dream? 
 

I am putting the work and investments into music now. I’m cutting out distractions. However, I have to work, and my financial plan involves me working remotely which makes practicing and socializing right now impossible. But, it helps me get out of debt and save money which is important. This way I am able to earn and save well beyond what is possible in a city with insane living expenses. I don’t have to pay rent or food and I make more than double what I did with my education 
 

The truth is this chapter is not what I would like at 30. 
 

My 20s resulted in lots of lessons, failures and experiences that are valuable. But, they don’t result in a profound success. I would like to be better off at 30.

In my 20s I played some festivals, made music videos and touched people’s hearts with music. I sold my first Qigong coaching program, and thousands of people have followed my Qigong routines. But, I’m still a wage slave. Still in debt. And I hate that. 

Edited November 11 by Thought Art

[Thought Art]

I went through a deep hopelessness this week. I think travelling I don’t sleep properly for 3 days. Then, starting this new job which is only for money I realized how I’ll have to endure actually doing it everyday…. I hate being a slave. 
 

Dark times, suicidal thoughts, hopelessness. 
 

Things which I feel from time to time. 
 

I lose the big picture of my dreams and how I strategically chose these jobs to solve problems. It’s just u sense I’m getting older which creates this panic of running out of time. Old age does scared me and I worry I’ll be too old before my dreams can be made real. Then, suicide is the only option because I’m not living a shithole old age wage slave life. 
 

I’m gonna keep focusing on sleep because that seems to be the thing that’s helping me bounce back. I also enjoy breathwork, Qigong, acupressure and journaling to help ground me. 
 

…. life should be profound and awesome. I don’t want a boring life tbh. I want success, creativity, and to make and share music in a meaningful way. Unfortunately, for whatever reason that isn’t guaranteed which is really stupid design. Again, solipsism and tinnitus, and how fucking hard reality is is a stupid design. I’m not saying it should be so easy to not have value but… tinnitus is a stupid feature to reality. Fuck God for tinnitus. 
 

anyway, I’m off to be a fucking wage slave. 
 

 

Edited November 11 by Thought Art

[Thought Art]

I don’t want to be a whiner either! But, I gotta vent! 
 

The only person to blame for my life is me. And, my survival programming which I don’t choose. Maybe if my family wasn’t the way it was I’d be more successful. All that trauma and programming I got from my youth made it impossible to be successful in my teens and early 20s. It’s really a shame. 
 

If I was 15, stable home without alcoholic dad… actualized teachings that would be solid. But, God had other plans I guess. Let’s give him an unstable alcoholic dad, ADHD, then when he tries to be a musician let’s give him fucking tinnitus. WTF
 

I have to figure out a way of seeing my life, despite it being dogshit compared to my dreams as worthwhile. I need to make it worthwhile. Tinnitus is really a dogshit fucked up thing though. Fuck tinnitus. 

Edited November 11 by Thought Art

[Thought Art]

I’ll process…. 

[Thought Art]

I feel my emotions and thoughts stabilizing.

Though, my challenges remain. 

[Thought Art]

Funny how mind and state work.

My ambition is so huge but resources so small. So annoying.

Edited November 11 by Thought Art

[Thought Art]

Feeling better!

[Thought Art]

These early Arcade Fire concerts were profound…

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=g3B4iaRnyvk&si=Gdd3jruVqoGUwcmI

[Thought Art]

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=PeTJb61E314&si=Tll--ZZy0n1hKNCy

been listening to this open mic performance I did last year of the song I wrote called safe destiny. It’s actually very good. I’m gonna release it as a single under Pine Haven. 
 

enjoy

[Thought Art]

I listened to some tracks from my first album and man, they are pretty good. Rough in some areas but man, I am good. No longer will I complain. I’m a musician. I can hone skills and simply market my new work better than before. I’m more mature now and I’m actually better than I used to be. I practice a lot. 

[Thought Art]

Anything of value is hard to achieve. 
 

Sometimes I feel very upset with my level of success in life. I want way more success. 
 

 

[Thought Art]

I have my money saving, debt paying plan and I can stick to it and rest in I’m doing something right. I have my daily personal growth goals to change the way I think, etc and I’m growing each day. 
 

Yes, I’m 30…. I don’t feel that close to achieving financial freedom, and my life purpose though yes I’ve helped thousands of people isn’t paying the bills anytime soon. This makes my self esteem struggle because I see the financial rewards of  work as part of my value as a creator. 

My mind spends a lot of time thinking “how do I do it? How do I make my dreams work? I hate how my life is right now doing this meaningless work!” It’s torture. Then I think about some past opportunities I had and how they ended in failure. How, my own immaturity of my past sort of sabotaged me. 
 

So, what’s this next step? Get debt free, save money. Make strides to making my next album with the songs I have written….. release them, likely get ignored by the world…. Keep being a wage slave. Make more Qigong content….. keep being a wage slave…. 
 

Jt feels like nothing will change. 

[Thought Art]

There is no job or career that I want. 
 

I want to make music, and study my Qigong/ pranayama/ mindfulness meditation etc in depth. I want to make music and do spiritual work. 
 

But, I’m a wage slave….. how do I get out of this fucking slavery? I don’t think I can do sales, I’ve tried a cold calling job in the past and it’s not for me. I have a good earning job and I don’t have to buy food or pay rent so I can put the money toward goals. 
 

…. I have a concept of a plan as Donald would say. 

[Thought Art]

I’ve been building this Qigong thing… and frankly I’m questioning if I want to keep pursuing it. But, then I’m left with….. what would I be working on? How do I make my own thing?

Music, likely will never pay the bills. Qigong, is feels like the same. Though people have paid me, maybe it’s more a matter of marketing and scale… 

Maybe I need more coaching, mentors, and to move somewhere with more opportunity. 
 

The problem with my job is I can’t date, I can’t do open mic’s, I can’t do so much because I am living in a work camp. I can’t even make content. But, I can pay off debt. 
 

I am basically in debt jail. Haha…. In theory if I keep getting these contracts it’s only for 3-4 months which is a worthy sacrifice.
 

If I was God, I wouldn’t dream this. But, apparently I am God dreaming this. It seems like a waste of time though. Life should be awesome. I have to make it awesome myself. This is just a chapter of my life. When I get back into a better position I’ll have the skills, finances and experience to make something great. 

Edited November 19 by Thought Art

[Thought Art]

I will invest in coaching, therapy, and courses….

[Thought Art]

Resilience and visualization, patience, proper allocation of funds and time 

[Thought Art]

I need to decontruct my victim mentality. 
 

Though in truth…. It’s a wave. It’s like a storm that hits me like once a year. 
 

Now that the storm is passed I will contemplate it. It’s like a fragmented ego storm. 

Edited yesterday at 01:47 AM by Thought Art

[Thought Art]

I wanna be successful in the fields of my choice.

When this contract ends I’ll have a break. I’m going to do a 10 hour meditation in to start prepping for a 10 day retreat with an organization in my country. 
 

Ill be making music, practicing Qigong and acupressure on other days. 
 

I have social needs too… but, they seem less important also. But, I’ll force myself to do something in Montreal. 
 

I will do a meditation day, and a contemplation day. I’ll book a cabin. 

Edited 2 hours ago by Thought Art