Feeling like I betrayed myself

[Samsonov]

Hi everyone. I wanted to share my what I have gone through in the past year.

Last year I headed for a journey through India, it was a very purposeful journey and has exceeded any expectation I had. I had a few major breakthroughs and I have found a life direction I felt very passionate about. I have also set myself a project for converting a van into a house. coming back home I was noticeably happier more confident and sociable. Regarding that van thing, still very much committed to starting the project I began doing the research for what it will take but I guess It got overwhelming, in terms of the vague regulations and unsupportive family. I ended up deciding to basically move to Australia, planned a journey first through the UK, there something happened to me, I felt very bad all of the time, ordered a flight to India again, there I had a very bad experience which and ended up returning home very stressed. 

I am here in my parents house for two months, ever felt so depressed, I am seeing a psychologist and taking pills, But I wonder how can I feel so different, can't stop thinking about how I felt and who I was when first returning from India and what I could have accomplished. I feel like I betrayed my destiny, I am seeing it playing out in my mind while I am idle, I regret all of the last six month and unable to return to the same old habits and state. I am fully aware of how I am degrading my not too long ago perfectly healthy body and I can't explain this sense of hopelessness.

Do I just need more time? time seems to play against me for the first time in my life. I've never been This way , I am ashamed, I forgot who I was. Who should I try to be?

[Sugarcoat]

Now I don’t know what happened to you India so hard to comment there. It’s not too uncommon to have these waves of inspiration then to crash later and wonder where it all went. Can’t fully rely on them, as what feels true to you deep down regarding what direction to take survives those ups and down as it’s authentic to you . So don’t give up on yourself too easy here many opportunities to come. And depression can be a time for great processing to take place so it’s not all that bad