Le journal

[PurpleTree]

it’s not personal

there’s nothing personal

[PurpleTree]

stop

[PurpleTree]

there’s nothing to wait for

your so called « better » future will never come it doesn’t exist

stop waiting for something
 

 

 

Also

There’s nothing to seek or find

not in your mind

not on your phone 

not on tinder not on google or forums

just be if you seek you lose this even though it can’t be really lost

[PurpleTree]

What is this (constriction/the egoic structure)

with it’s mechanisms shame, anxiety, constriction etc.

trying to protect me from?

[PurpleTree]

chipping away at my ego

chip chip chip ???

 

 

[PurpleTree]

I just want to be left alone ? by my ego

 

?

noooo leave alone

 

noooo ? go 

hihi

 

[PurpleTree]

Do i want to be respected or do i want to be free?

Do i want to be respected by this specific person or do I want to be free?

Do i want to be ready or do i want to be free?

Do I want to be safe and protected or do i want to be free?

Do i want to control how people view me or do I want to be free?

Would i rather nobody ever laughs at me or would i rather be free?

Do i want to have a pretty face or do I want to be free?

Would i rather be suave and constricted or embarrassing and free?

Would i rather be cool or would i rather be free?

[PurpleTree]

This moment is holy

[PurpleTree]

theres nothing to do

nowhere to go

[PurpleTree]

Who am I (or would i be)

without self doubt

[PurpleTree]

Is there evidence that a seperate ego exists ?

Is there evidence that awareness isn’t infinite ?

 

try to find evidence, observe and investigate 

[PurpleTree]

There’s nothing to defend

no validation to get

nobody to impress

[PurpleTree]

Felt weird-ish today

not too bad but not great and socially anxious

started pondering the question „who am I“ again

now i‘m more at ease and less overthinking

 

[PurpleTree]

 

[PurpleTree]

 

[PurpleTree]

I own nothing

not those feelings not those thoughts, not these belongings or those people

[PurpleTree]

How can i protect an illusion?

[PurpleTree]

two insights i had yesterday 

 

ego brings the problems and claims it has the solution - like the mafia

 

i chose to be here, i don’t have to here.