Confusion,laziness,self Development,meaning Of Life

[Jonson]

Hello , my name's Hans and i am 16 years old. 
At the beginning of 2017 i visualized how i would improve my life in many areas, i didn't write down goals just visualized them ..but i also began to think on my obligations that i have so i started implementing habits :
i wanted these things :
1)become social
2)healthy
3)money management
4)get a girlfriend
5)good grades
6)find passion, learn/exercise

Here are the things that i already was doing :
*brushing my teeth everyday
*feed my dogs everyday
*meditating 30 minutes everyday
(i was doing other things too but randomly)

i tried to implement :
*Getting up everyday at 6 so i can meditate early (at 8 i have school)
*Socializing everyday (cause i'm pretty shy)
*Eating everyday at least 3x
*Eating vegetables daily
*Study / homeworks 1 hour everyday
*Researching,finding my passion learning acting,photoshop,business..
*Nofap 30 days
*Talking everyday about different topics in front of the camera

In the first 10 days i was really concentrating on NOFAP and on socializing - i was thinking wether my productivity was caused by Nofap or by me believing so badly that i improve  and saying to myself that now i do nofap so i can only be productive :))

And then when i released on day10 i became very lazy , not doing anything just the old habbits .  I did the 10 days nofap 3 times this year ..it's been 2 months and a half

I improved in socializing quite alot  , but didn't take action in getting a girlfriend 
i actually never tried to get a girlfriend... i talked to many  but didn't tell them i like them .. but at least this year i got close to 2 girls who i didn't know that well :))

The reasons why i didn't improve that much in the last 2 months:

*** I often find myself thinking ,if the thing that i do is ok for me ? Like Nofap.
 One thing is for sure : Nofap gave me more energy ... but the focus , motivation , etc/
i don't know if it was because of nofap or because i believed so much that it helps me improving .. that my body eventually started working that way.
What if I masturbate just before i go to sleep sometimes ? that way i'm not wasting energy
*** The people that i surrounded myself with were not always inspiring,uplifting 
i got really disconnected from self-actualization  .. i was just chilling after school with friends not doing anything .
***didn't sleep enough , had no energy , i always went to sleep like at 12 and woke up at 6.
*** i begin to think about the meaning of the life , about the importance of our existence.. about our perception of reality ... and then i come to the conclusion that the life has no meaning because it is just a human concept .. then i think how i do a lot of things .. but it has no big value for the big universe .. i sometimes get really sad that we can not understand the whole universe .. and i watch all these videos of leo and i get a bit confused , like finding the balance in life .. when i think of this ... i tend to become lazy
 
* **let's say i get a compliment from someone : a teacher  .. but then someone says i'm dumb ...or last time a girl told me that i look very handsome i felt very good, but then a boy asked me why am i so pale .. then i felt sad . But then I realised that it was all just because of how i thought of myself , how i behaved , how i presented myself ...when they see that in me they feel good so they think positive..
then i noticed that different people have different oppinions of me at different times ..depending on their experience, vows, world view or mood ... just like i have different oppinions of different people at different times , but then what's the solution ? 
Accept that the world is constantly changing ? 

*** is it ok to drink beer sometimes ? is it ok to go to parties .. in order to pick up girls ? 

*** some say you have to work really hard .. others say that you have to work smart
that you have to enjoy your life , not to be so hard on yourself ... contradicting

***How to connect with people if they see through their filters .. how they have been programmed , told .. they really stick to society .. rules.. like " learn , get a job ,get a family ,go to church " ...  what if i chose that lifestyle .. would'nt i bee happpier , i wouldn't overthink so much ..

*** I feel like I overthink sometimes too much

*** is it ok to wake up at 6 .. i usually get sleepy at 12 ..? 

I just wanted to share my thaughts about my current stage ,ideas
if you have anything to tell , share , recommend me smth  go ahead

Edited March 12, 2017 by Jonson

[Buggz]

Wow reading this you really remind me of myself when i was 16 or even 17. Right now i'm currently 18 and if i could travel back in time and tell myself one thing it would be "to start small and be patience." I always ignored this advice when people told me it but looking back at it they were right. I can see this for myself cause i literally got no if anything negatives results and i'm stunned just thinking of how much momentum i could have accumulated if i even just did 10 or 20 minutes of meditation everyday no matter what. If you want to more advice just PM me I'll be glad to help. 

Edited March 12, 2017 by Ingenixus

[Jonson]

@Buggz haha i am now 20 and yeahhh .... now i would also tell my 16 year old self to start small, be consistent and patient ... 

It's so interresting looking back at this  

Edited January 12, 2021 by Jonson