I Am My Actions. Beginning Of A New Journey.

[ViolinsSing]

I have been a victim for so long in my life. I had a difficult childhood, but who hasn't. I used to see myself as secretly talented, yet unable to fulfill my potential due to external circumstances. Family, unfair conditions implicated by others, bad relationships - excuses and wonderfully creative ways of rationalizing why I am not the root cause of my unhappiness. 

I had, and am still dealing with a very low self-esteem. I am still highly dependent on what others think of me. I came to realize recently I have no own goals, almost no identity because I desired to please others so much. I care so much to impress and be seen as amazing. 

Additionally to that, I began losing myself in relationships. I stayed in horrible partnerships just for the sake of having someone. At first an independent person, creating this picture of a highly talented and autonomous woman, who does not need anyone, just to become more and more dependent as the relationship proceeded and therefore have no standards of self-respect up to gradually accepting any kind if maltreatment. Without a relationship I was no one. 

My last relationship I saw as the love of my life. The topics discussed, the inspiring thoughts and deep, philosophical discussions and values that were shared made me fall very hard for this person. I accepted things and disregarded my values and goals, just to spend time with and be liked by someone this amazing. I did not see the obvious signs of me entering into a dependent habit again. Nevertheless, my insecurities, my past and destructive behavior led to its end. I fell as hard as I never have before. This was the point were I actually really realized: Things need to change. This time for real.

I am responsible for my life. It is me who can change things. I need to define my goals. I need to keep working on myself without having amazingly creative excuses, becoming passive or faltering every time a relationship comes along. I need to change and continuously grow. Not only talk about it, as I often have for a long time, but truly act.

I have been reading into self-help a lot before. This time, I really wanted it to count. I got inspired by Sartre, I started getting deeper into self-esteem development, started taking my therapy more seriously, and slowly am beginning to see. As if I was blind my entire life. By a coincidence I found the videos offered by Leo. I found a lot of truth to them and decided to make a true commitment.

The hard thing is, when you realize that change is not a fast thing. I had peaks of being empowered and convinced. But then come the old habits. And I begin to think I cannot change. At times I am afraid that I will remain as always. That I am too weak. That it's just a short state of infatuation, yet I will not actually be able to change. But I refuse to believe so. I want to see set-backs as a natural thing - something to learn from, yet not as a defining static state. And thus, this blog, to document my progress, define my goals, verbalizing my thoughts and conclusions and making a more true commitment.

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Currently, I am hoping to work on following large areas:

 

Mind:

- Continuous reading and surrounding with topics on self-growth
- Meditation as part of my regular routine
- Control of my emotions. Thus higher dedication to therapy. As a person diagnosed with both ADD and tendencies of borderline, I need to give this area extra dedication. But I refuse to see this diagnosis as something defining, which I cannot escape
 

Body:
- More exercise; achieving a more toned and fit body
- Reaching my aesthetic ideal; accept what I cannot change
- Continuous dedication to healthy nutrition
- Quit unhealthy habits. No more alcohol (as I have done for some time, yet have begun again) and stop smoking

 

Relationships:

- Learn how to be completely happy on my own. Not needing a relationship to complete me. 
- Leave the "friend with benefits situation" I have (re-)entered with the person who I was and to a point still am infatuated with. 

 

Genereal Goals:

- Firstly, define more concrete overall goals. I am still searching and need to make things more concrete.
- Job: Find a job I am passionate about. I am currently working in management consulting and am not very happy. I see it as a stepping-stone, but am unsure whether this will truly help. Ideally I want to combine communication, presenting, the creation of new thoughts and ideas, a more ethically oriented approach with consulting. It is still highly vague. Philosophy and consulting of companies/ people. Making a difference and impacting the world in a positive way.
- Get a PhD in philosophy. After having completed my masters I realized I want to continue in this area. I am still very insecure and afraid that I might not be able to pull through, as throughout my two studies I have been a master of procrastination and continuously a person of less and less original thought. I want to trust in myself again. Think. I want to meet inspiring people and create thoughts that actually have an impact. Thus: make a dedication to finding a topic. One that is doable but also original and valuable to our time. 
-Communication: Work on communication skills and become a charismatic person. In order to have an impact on people I want to become an amazing communicator. Thus read more into this topic and practice on a regular basis.
- Creativity: Find some output for this area. I used to do so much music/singing/art etc. As I do not have time any more and its not priority, I want to explore whether some intermediate solution could add value to my life.
- Community and social circle: Find and surround myself with people who are inspirational. Meet new people and gather people who share similar ideas in terms of philosophical approach, self-growth. Yet be open to different approaches and value-systems. See the value in every new person I met.

Values:

- Continuous growth as a person. Mentally in terms of intelligence, knowledge but especially psychologically and through personal development
- Give love to people. Help people learn, inspire them and be an energy giver. 
- Develop independence and live by the idea of self-responsibility. Realize that I am my actions and it is only me, who can change myself; I am responsible for my state and my life. Reach a state where my happiness becomes more non-conditional.

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Concrete Goals for the week:

Currently I am on a project away from the city I live in. Spending time merely working and in a hotel is not very inspiring. But I want to use this opportunity away to grow. Furthermore, I will give myself weekly small goals, which are far more concrete to follow up on.

 

- Begin incorporating meditation in the evenings
- Active Self help every 2-3 days (videos & notes)
- Prepare appointments for the weekend for body-improvement
- Runs in the mornings
- Read philosophical book I am taking along/ make notes on ideas regarding thesis
- Pro-activity at work: telling myself I do not like this job/ bad performance as a result will not make me grow. Thus, use the opportunity of this new project and dedicate time and effort to doing the best I can. No multi-tasking at work.

 

So, a long first post. But here I am, embarking on a new journey. 
 

[ViolinsSing]

Today I watched Leo's video on the most attractive trait in people: not needing anyone. It really inspired me. I think this is one of my great faults: needing someone to love me/to think I am great/compliment me. Still, as humans are social beings by nature, I find it difficult to believe that not needing anyone can make you happy as a human being. I find it difficult, when evaluating contrasting values. It seems like a very individualistic approach; individualism is a concept which is merely a few hundred years old and lead to some theories, which are in part not very beneficial for society currently (looking at neoliberalism for instance, excessive egoism and constant self-interested optimization). 

So freeing yourself from family/friends/relationships. I guess what it boils down to, is not making happiness conditional on another person. Establishing a life so fulfilling, that I do not need another person to give me X, such that I am happy. Very difficult concept. But something to aim for, for sure. Come to think of it, most of the romantic relationships I have had up to now were bad in the end. But I had the feeling I NEEDED love/admiration etc. And thus could not deal with the idea of being left or being alone and lived in broken and damaging relationships.

I guess this is a large picture within personal development: create such an amazing life, that you do not need a person. The Hollywood idea of needing someone to complete you, the romanticized ideal of Romeo and Juliette and everlasting love etc. are such deeply-engrained concepts. I tell myself often I am free of them, I smile at them, nevertheless I act as if I believe in them.

I find when I am lonely (I am currently far away from home, working on a project with only a few colleagues, who were not here today) I become all the more needy. I literally dwell on thoughts and become very obsessive about things. I tend to waste so much time then. Especially internet. Instead if sticking to work I procrastinate and multi-task. I need to stop this.

 

To be improved/ bad things:

- surfing the internet to such an extent
- obsessing about non-relationship. I tell myself I will let him go/ I will stop putting him on a pedestal. But it's not easy. 
 

To be continued/ good things

- Establishment of new goal/value/ motivation:

                 - create fulfilling life, such that I am not dependent on people. I can make myself happy. 
                 

 

For tomorrow:

- Communication: Talk to at least 2-3 strangers/ make a nice comment/ make them feel better about their day
- No surfing the internet/obsessive thoughts. When I feel like engaging in this bad habit: Breathing-exercises and counting to myself. When I am at work, 100% dedication to work.
-Run in the morning
 

 

 

[ViolinsSing]

Today I watched the video “Awareness Alone is Curative”. I think this will be a good concept in continuing. I tend to constantly judge myself harshly. I think becoming more aware of the wrong actions, observing and not judging might be a good path forward. I’ve already tried it with smoking. It seems strange, how conscious I become of what I am doing, how odd the practice of smoking a cigarette seems and how different the overall experience is when I do this in an aware state. In any case, something new learned today as a conceptual approach and something I will continue.

Other than that today was rather uneventful. I did not go for a run in the morning. Again, I procrastinated. “I will go in the morning”, then, as I wake up, tired and looking outside into the dark, seemingly cold, I rationalize as to why going in the evening is a far better option. I am an expert at rationalizing. I have to stop this. Make up my mind to do something, or leave it. It’s not that I need to lose weight, but I want to be more healthy. For my brain. My overall well-being. And yes, becoming fitter and more attractive overall. 

I did better on the obsessiveness of thoughts. Less internet surfing as well. I am starting to notice how will-power is a muscle. I can pull through for a certain amount of hours, but then it becomes more difficuilt. I am not expecting perfection in the beginning. Listening to motivational music helps during work, though this is obviously not possible all the time. 

With the obsessive thoughts about this person I started noticing a helpful thought-pattern: one reason I obsess, is because I idealize. I started thinking about the practical circumstances (is he really that amazing? Am I really worth less?) and it helps. I think overall it’s a psychological pattern I have habit-thought myself into. In the end, it all boils down to one thing: I cannot change a person. I can only change myself. The reason I am unhappy, is because I want different things than the other. Thus: either change my expectations, or break it off. I will use the awareness tactic when I spend time with him as well. In any case, focus on myself. Maybe I’ll realize how delusional I was. Strangely, I am aware that what I think I want, is not a good idea anyhow.  further argument for me to start becoming master of my emotions. In practice I can be so obviously irrational it's hard to believe. 

 

To be improved/bad things:

-    behavior of rationalizing/ procrastination

-    wasting time w/ internet, obsessiveness in thought

-    not following through with small goals (see rationalization)

 

To be continued/ good things:

-    start the day off well (high motivation to receive positive feedback emotionally)

-    I managed to talk to 2 people just shortly. Their surpised reaction when I was kind/smiled etc. was quite surprising. How odd it is, when strangers are nice.

-    awareness as a helpful concept for harmful habits

-    meditation (I started yesterday evening again. It might just be psychosomatic, but I had the feeling I noticed a higher sense of awareness shortly afterwards)

[ViolinsSing]

It's been a while since I have last posted. I have been contemplating a lot, reading and listening to audios. I think I am starting to notice small differences. Things like not being affected by external circumstances as much. Crappy weather, late trains, aggressive people. I am noticing how much I let these things control my emotional state and furthermore, that I can work on these things not affecting me as much. 

At times I feel the development is so slow; in retrospect, when I look back, the change within the last few months, since I started focusing more on self-development and more honest reflection is enormous compared to before.

When listening to "How not to be a victim" (a very touching video), I began analyzing areas in my life where I victimized myself, or at least am too passive. This week, I will dig deeper into these areas and see how I can enable change.

- Work (i.e. finding the job I love/ taking responsibility at the job I am at and not feeling entitled)

- Relationships (i.e. both romantic and platonic)

- Intellectual goals (doctorate and further development)

A new motto, as simple as it might be, yet highly powerful when understood is taking more concrete shape in my life:

Being self-responsible. 

 

Current Goals:

- Meditation (make routine. I decided to start doing it in the morning. Whether 20min or just 10 - I just have to start)

-Runs (more regular and routine)

- Job improvement (stop being a victim and feeling sorry for myself with mundane work. For the time-being, do my best and thus convince people I can actually work well. Look for my strength areas and learn, even in this situation)

- Independence (develop feeling that I do not need anyone to be happy. With the person I was so hung up on: I am becoming stronger. Reflecting more on the time we are together - merely being aware - is starting to show me I have been overrating this person. There is a high misbalance in appreciation currently. I am insecure and acting below value when I am with him.)

- Thesis (for the time-being: read and think independently. I used to be so hung up on comparing theories with one another I almost began to stop thinking independently. Not trusting myself and not developing and increasing this as a habit.)

I love the metaphor of continuous linear/ exponential growth. This is my top-goal. Self-resonsibility with all that it entails and continuous growth.

[ViolinsSing]

I began thinking about one thing: 

I think it's good to have many long-term goals. In the short-term though, it's difficult to work on ALL of these things at once.

Thus, I will start having 1-2 concrete goals/week. If they are larger, I will make it /month. As change in habitual behavior is difficult, I believe setting lesser goals might be more efficient. Obviously keeping in mind the larger picture.

 

Thus, for the coming week, I want to focus on the following:

 

- Meditation (10min/ day). Start making this a daily habit. I find mornings are best, as this merely requires waking up earlier. 10min might seem like a little, but to me they are a lot. Just comes to show me how very much I am constantly hung up in random thoughts. 
- Appearence. This is a current "project" of mine. Being pretty fit already, I am setting appointments to improve anything I further can and want to change. Anything else, I will start accepting. Thus, face, lashes, skin etc. Also in this category: straight posture. It's unbelievable what a change it makes. Not only for the aesthetic, but for confidence also, which is a nice effect (I've seen some scientifically-backed videos on this, i.e. Amy Cuddy, and it's really awing). 

 

Other than that, what will always be following me is the idea of awareness. As I've already said, it has already helped me to notice a lot of things. Especially how I let people trample all over me at times still. As I was conditioned through childhood to see de-valuing treatment as normal, as something I deserve, I allow this - even worse - I see it as normal, if not necessary, when people close to me do treat me disrespectfully. When a person I admire/like/am close with treats me badly I subconsciously believe I deserve it. I accept it and want to prove all the more, like a little child, that I am worthy. Being more aware of this behavior is odd. A painful realization when dealing with people whom I have been accepting and enabling bad treatment from for a long time. It's almost as if I get addicted to hot/cold treatment. In any case, awareness is helping. Let alone it's putting light on this area - one of my major self-worth destructors. I am sure this part will take long. But it's a new journey now. And journeys are long walks.

[ViolinsSing]

I really slipped yesterday. I went out with friends and drank. We were having such a great time; I felt so happy between these people and was laughing a lot. Nevertheless, I had some feeling that I wanted this evening to escalate. This "dark side" in me, which I haven't had for a long time. Where I don't want to care about anything, where nothing matters. My current guideline is not to drink. A few drinks and I was completely out of it. My old self: overly flirtatious, playing games with people, feeling like the queen of the world and better than so many people. It's an ugly side of mine. One which I do not want to have revisiting.

My "friends+" ignored me, which I believe triggered me. I started off maturely, realizing a pattern of his. The day before I refused him coming over to my place late at night. I do not want to be a booty-call. Him not responding then made me realize his subtle power games. Still, it was at the back of my mind and contributed to bad mood. Because I expected something. Noticing how much he still affects me triggered me even more. Maybe triggering me is the wrong word. I let myself be triggered. 

This makes me think of how important it is, to be independent of people. 

Today he came over in the afternoon. In a way I thought it was to talk; I had written him I am slipping. He came for sex. So naive. This is the one area in my life which is quite screwed up currently: sleeping with an ex whom I was deeply in love with, had the worst break-up ever with, and am now in a sort of "friends with benefits" relationship. He is engaging in pick-up currently, thus with goals of mastering girl-approaching, lays etc. I used to think it would not affect me, that I do not own this person, that I know my value and he will have a hard time finding someone better than me, and that I won't care if someone whom I do not love sleeps with others. But I do. I would be lying to myself if I say I don't. 

I told myself I won't date other people. I do not want a relationship right now. Not because I don't like them: I think relationships are beautiful and if you are together with the right person, you can grow immensely and share wonderful moments. But because I am still too dependent. I need a relationship. I first need to redefine my relationship with myself. Thus, I saw no point in dating. Dating, so I stop thinking about my friends+ is horrible, it's not the right approach. It's a weak approach, it's substituting one crutch with another. Still, I am beginning to think it might be nice to see what is out there. Men who appreciate me. Men who I do not have the subconscious feeling I have to prove myself with. Yet alone the fact that I am not interested in dating others, should be a good warning indicator. So I said yes to a date on Sunday.

My thoughts are a jumble today, I am not making sense. I feel really down, but I know it will pass.

Self-growth can be very difficult. The times you go backwards so down-putting. 

I am meeting a friend tonight; no drinking today. Tomorrow will be better.

[ViolinsSing]

Sometimes it can be a small change. Like a "click". A light that goes on. I realize I have been acting like a victim - again. 

Why do I still seek validation externally? I am a valuable person, I am growing and will continue doing so. And I don't need to prove this to anyone. 

No more of that. Life is too beautiful too focus on these negative things, to surround yourself with negative experiences and allow people to make you feel low. Essentially, that's what you are doing when you engage with people who treat you disrespectfully. It might be them, acting, yet you chose to engage. Mastering emotions and training free will/ stopping short-term gratification is key in this. It will still take some time, but the realization, that I am the one who can change things, who is in control of my life is so liberating. 

No more crying about people treating me badly, not liking my work etc. I have control over two things:

a) My actions
b) My thoughts

I am starting to notice how very much thoughts can be controlled. 

My new goals for this week:

-Quit smoking. Cold Turkey.
-Meditation. 10min/day in the mornings before I go to work.
- People Skills. Read Creative Live. It seems like a great program. Engaging with people and becoming more charismatic is now on my top goal lists. 

Quitting to smoke will be hard, as I am an avid chain-smoker. But I have been putting this off for ever. I will do the "cold-turkey" techique. Just stop. Writing this down makes me a bit nervous. I have been avoiding trying to stop, because of the fear to fail. Oh well, fear is there to be tackled. And I want to be taking bigger steps now.

[ViolinsSing]

It's been a while now since I last posted. During this time, I have done a lot of self-reflecting. I realized, I talk so much about change, but do not act enough. I didn't want to write yet again about my so-called change without having done anything.

In therapy, I think I am progressing. I think involving myself with "self-development" parallel is proving very helpful.

I went into my fears and my emotional overreactions to these, as well as my overemotional reactions to certain situations. In behavioral therapy the idea is to evaluate the emotion. Thus awareness also plays a big role. When you realize the emotion is not "appropriate" to the situation, you try to "counter-act"; engage in "converse action".

i.e. some emotions I often feel are:

- anger (at external circumstances, thus dwelling and telling myself why my surrounding is at fault for my unhappiness, not accepting rejection)

- loneliness (I don't like being alone. In my spare time, I try spending time with as many friends as possible, I used to over engage in relationships.)

- in extreme situations, powerlessness

-jealousy (at people who are more successful, more beautiful etc.)

- I am not sure if this is an emotion, but it stems very deep and has been guiding most of my behavior: the feeling of worthlessness. 

 

I think it's important to go into one's past. Especially if there were a lot of issues. But it's important not to dwell there. Thus, after analyzing why I have these issues (very broadly amongst all mistreatment merely being labeled as "good"/"bad" etc., and therefore always seeking external validation etc.), I am changing this now. Therefore: start with emotional control. Future re-actions/ or more "counter-actions" to inapproriate emotions:

-anger >> accept no's, people "rejecting me", be loving to those who wrong me/ understand their perspective, identify how I personally can take action, without being a victim

-loneliness >> have good deep relationships with friends (less but high quality) and learn how to be on my own.

- powerlessness >> take action (in things I can change, this will never be other people)

- jealousy >> consider the reasons. Things I can change about myself, I will, other than that realize all my abilities and be ok with aspects being "better" in other people. let go of the concept of owning things, especially people. 

- worthlessness >> the biggest topic, which underlies most of my negative actions. Counter-acting this one will be hard. Developing self-esteem, of course. I am starting to notice small changes (i.e. working on my big-picture goals and reminding myself to not seek external validation to push my ego), but this one I still have to search more in.

 

So that for my emotions. The next few days I will be paying more attention to my emotional reactions to situations. I think this is a very important area.

Other than that I am reaching small-term goals. Meditation (although I find 15min of full concentration still difficult at this point), improving my appearance (skin, eyes, enhancing good features) and more contemplation. Most of all, my attitude is changing. Small annoyances seem very different when you start realizing that it's your perspective. I can change that. Thought-control can be such a powerful tool. 

 

 

[Revolutionary Think]

On 3/12/2017 at 0:02 PM, ViolinsSing said:

 

I have been a victim for so long in my life. I had a difficult childhood, but who hasn't. I used to see myself as secretly talented, yet unable to fulfill my potential due to external circumstances. Family, unfair conditions implicated by others, bad relationships - excuses and wonderfully creative ways of rationalizing why I am not the root cause of my unhappiness. 

 

I can totally relate to the difficult childhood part and me not being the root of my unhappiness. I always thought I was talented as well but, lived in an ignorant society that was too clueless to see my talents and the education system didn't help out either. Although at this moment I am trying to make something more of my life and meet like minded people. If you want you can take a look as my journal as well. It's called Becoming a Hero. 

[ViolinsSing]

@Revolutionary Think Thank you. Yes, realizing your own responsibility in life is so vital. Even though I strongly believe self-work is the most important step (especially in the beginning), finding like-minded people can be such a genuine addition.

[ViolinsSing]

Other than approaching my emotions from a more aware point and committing more to awareness, I have decided to engage in two external (not internal) activities:

- a) appearance. I am changing an area which has been bothering me for ever, am also becoming more fit etc.

- b) decided to really stop smoking. As someone who has been smoking for a long time, and a pack a day, this is hard. I decided to go cold turkey. I think this may be the hardest (short-term), nevertheless most efficient way to stop. A proof of willpower as well. 

It's Day 1, less than 24 hours of non-smoking and I am starting to notice anxiety and am highly agitated. I am also feeling highly bored throughout my day at work. This makes me realize, how very much distraction I need in my daily life (or have become used to), to be entertained.

Oh well. Into Day 1 and determined to stick this through. I have never tried to quit before out of fear I might not make it and be frustrated with myself. Anyhow - challenge accepted. Next step to personal growth: To a new, healthy body and a mind of steel.

Edited April 12, 2017 by ViolinsSing