Dying

[nuwu]

@Osaid I am sorry you also experienced this. It's very difficult to understand how bad narcissistic abuse is without direct experience. I was a fool to take disturbing intimidations from narcissists seriously, since I couldn't make sense of the motives. I should have applied Hanlon's Razor principles. I thought open-source contributions were 'risk free' work, and that it should be natural to expect decency. Financial organisms are generally entitled to high ethical standards. I am usually observing and distanced, but doxing, love-bombing, and isolating strategies hijacked my defenses and natural risk aversion. My neuro-inflammations were high. I was going through both trauma fog and autism fog. To be honest, I was disgusted by their behaviors from the start, but I thought anyone can be kind. They did learn how to improve their narcissism however.

Dealing with two narcissists, grandiose and malignant, the core strategy was to repeatedly exploit my shock responses to justify prior harms and perpetuate subsequent abuses. They throw an endless stream of projection and gaslighting narratives, including repetitive, self-conflicting or baseless ideas, to learn the victim's vulnerabilities and see what sticks. This is difficult to deal with even when all of them are easily explainable or rebutted. They exploit the asymmetrical energy requirements between nuanced examination of truth, and fabrications, as well as the distressed emotional tone of the victim. The best defense is offense, and narcissists take advantage of the fact it is much easier to win a conflict on enemy territory by sustaining pressure on multiple fronts. Eventually, I got hoovered hard and triangulated. And there are (non-narcissistic) members in these communities who killed themselves. I felt pressured to stay with them to help them. It quickly became lugubre.

Entitled minds are self-entangled in sink cost loops, with perpetual neurotic pressures for retro-causal justification of harm and self-image preservation. To them, allowing any critical thought would risk disintegration of the entire ego. Still I am not trying to generalize. All narcissists are different, and not all of them are abusers. It's possible to be extremely selfish outside social layers and manipulation games. Even if I can recognize narcissism early, it's too late for my health. For example, narcissists sure love to use the victim's words against themselves within distorted, incoherent semantics and inverted networks.

My overall health is not improving. My digestive health is somewhat fixed, but it feels like it could collapse at any time. Health professionals don't know how to help, or don't take my issues seriously. They are not necessarily mean, but I was gaslighted by some. Because of depression I struggle to execute basic self-care tasks, I use apps like Finch to motivate myself. I feel I am successfully growing back some positivism, but it's difficult considering how bad this realm is.

Thank you for answering and taking care of me even if I am cringe.

Edited December 1, 2023 by nuwu

[Osaid]

5 hours ago, nuwu said:

I am sorry you also experienced this. It's very difficult to understand how bad narcissistic abuse is without direct experience. I was a fool to take disturbing intimidations from narcissists seriously, since I couldn't make sense of the motives. I should have applied Hanlon's Razor principles. I thought open-source contributions were 'risk free' work, and that it should be natural to expect decency. Financial organisms are generally entitled to high ethical standards. I am usually observing and distanced, but doxing, love-bombing, and isolating strategies hijacked my defenses and natural risk aversion. My neuro-inflammations were high. I was going through both trauma fog and autism fog. To be honest, I was disgusted by their behaviors from the start, but I thought anyone can be kind. They did learn how to improve their narcissism however.

Dealing with two narcissists, grandiose and malignant, the core strategy was to repeatedly exploit my shock responses to justify prior harms and perpetuate subsequent abuses. They throw an endless stream of projection and gaslighting narratives, including repetitive, self-conflicting or baseless ideas, to learn the victim's vulnerabilities and see what sticks. This is difficult to deal with even when all of them are easily explainable or rebutted. They exploit the asymmetrical energy requirements between nuanced examination of truth, and fabrications, as well as the distressed emotional tone of the victim. The best defense is offense, and narcissists take advantage of the fact it is much easier to win a conflict on enemy territory by sustaining pressure on multiple fronts. Eventually, I got hoovered hard and triangulated. And there are (non-narcissistic) members in these communities who killed themselves. I felt pressured to stay with them to help them. It quickly became lugubre.

Entitled minds are self-entangled in sink cost loops, with perpetual neurotic pressures for retro-causal justification of harm and self-image preservation. To them, allowing any critical thought would risk disintegration of the entire ego. Still I am not trying to generalize. All narcissists are different, and not all of them are abusers. It's possible to be extremely selfish outside social layers and manipulation games. Even if I can recognize narcissism early, it's too late for my health. For example, narcissists sure love to use the victim's words against themselves within distorted, incoherent semantics and inverted networks.

Yes, all the love-bombing and "hope" are perfectly manufactured by the narcissists. They know they're doing it. They feign ignorance and push your buttons to make you say things. I find that this type of narcissistic abuse creates a personality style inside the victim which is especially prone to love-bombing, and also very avoidant, and I believe it is what causes something like AVPD if you are exposed to this type of relationship over a long period of time, perhaps since childhood through a parent. I only ever had to deal with a covert narcissist though, which is probably more tame than what you went through. Above all else, it is a good learning experience, and yes I agree that it is very hard to understand the narcissistic personality if you don't go through it yourself. The way they operate is completely insane and illogical, and it is purely meant to maximize emotional volatility. It is hard to believe such a person can exist until you go through it yourself, it often makes you seem paranoid when you tell other people about it.

5 hours ago, nuwu said:

My overall health is not improving. My digestive health is somewhat fixed, but it feels like it could collapse at any time. Health professionals don't know how to help, or don't take my issues seriously. They are not necessarily mean, but I was gaslighted by some. Because of depression I struggle to execute basic self-care tasks, I use apps like Finch to motivate myself. I feel I am successfully growing back some positivism, but it's difficult considering how bad this realm is.

I recall being gaslighted when asking about simple things like vitamin D3 and testosterone, so on minor things I can relate. It seems like a lot of them have their own ways of doing things and their own personality which they blend into their diagnosis and work. So I can imagine it is annoying to traverse through that.

That's really smart to use something like Finch, and I think it's really amazing that you managed to improve on your digestive health, even just a bit. Looks like you've been doing a lot of good work.

5 hours ago, nuwu said:

Thank you for answering and taking care of me even if I am cringe.

I love talking with you, I think the way you speak and convey your ideas is really interesting and informative. 

[nuwu]

@Osaid I've never considered myself to be in a relationship, and I’ve never been close to anyone. These moderators were excessively praising me for no reason, however. Toxic positivity is difficult to manage. As someone who used to be a Fi empath (projection-based), it’s difficult to judge whether others are dependent on your energy for critical needs, or if they are manipulating you. I couldn't bear to watch the hardships most perspectives in this realm are going through, and I thought I could help even as a clueless fool. Leo's proficiency makes it look deceptively easy. Then I was worrying too much about having the right ethical standards for smart-contract development, and I was unprepared, unsuspecting offensives at such pointless, silly layers. 

It's difficult to explain how narcissistic abuse feels because it's subtle, insidious, and chronic, while societal members will fail to understand underlying issues and dynamics unless they have survived it themselves. This is like taking a bullet, but each fragment is spread out over a long period of time, except perpetrators will adapt to vulnerabilities and directly undermine the victim's ability to heal from the offense within itself, exponentiating the damages. Unlike psychopaths, narcissists know what they are. They feel a constant shame which is why they must perpetually bury themselves under facades, angriness, and passive-aggressive. Noting, that not all narcissist traits are undesirable. Mindful authority and healthy assertiveness can be beneficial. Self-sufficiency and autonomy help self-preservation of unique thoughts. In theory, superiority may be a legitimate source of motivation. In individuals who do not engage in abusive behaviors, extrinsic reward systems shall not be dismissed, and are equally toxic to intrinsic ones. However, entitlement does not seem to offer any tangible benefit, beyond individual survival strategies. The latter is presumably the one to avoid the most, compounding the damage potentials of all other narcissistic traits.

All crypto-currencies are non-sensical, but the concept of smart-contract itself is interesting. Nonetheless, most power structures in consciousness are complete messes, better not to expect anything from them. I have a long list of ideas and games I could enjoy working on, but my energy and health are null. I have dealt with painful chronic illnesses and headaches forever. Weak genes expand vulnerability to conventionally non-problematic eco-system subsets, which is difficult to seek help from.

As a Ni user, writings are based on intuition. Ti users who are more constructive might find them vague, inconsistent, or ineloquent. I don't actually like writing or discussing anything online. I thought we could have fun together trying to expand our understanding of consciousness, then you get rammed down by narcissists, over and over, even here.

Edited December 3, 2023 by nuwu

[Osaid]

3 hours ago, nuwu said:

I have a long list of ideas and games I could enjoy working on, but my energy and health are null. I have dealt with painful chronic illnesses and headaches forever. Weak genes expand vulnerability to conventionally non-problematic eco-system subsets, which is difficult to seek help from.

Damn dude, I really wish you the best and I'm here if you wanna talk about anything. Keep yourself close to what you value and love in the meanwhile.

3 hours ago, nuwu said:

As a Ni user, writings are based on intuition. Ti users who are more constructive might find them vague, inconsistent, or ineloquent. I don't actually like writing or discussing anything online. I thought we could have fun together trying to expand our understanding of consciousness, then you get rammed down by narcissists, over and over, even here.

As an INTP, your communication is kind of like going on a rollercoaster ride mentally, or like I'm solving a puzzle. It's fun and adventurous. Hard to understand at times, but satisfying trying to go through it. It is also genuinely very informative and packed with information, very unique and interesting by itself. 

[nuwu]

@Osaid Thanks.