I ran out of pills

[trenton]

I have a story to share.

I am taking pills for racing thoughts before I go to bed. The pills are designed for schizophrenia. The reason for the prescription is that they slow down my racing thoughts while helping me sleep. I have slowly been having a more difficult time sleeping at night and it gradually built up through my life.

So when I first ran out of pills, I started having a hard time sleeping. I lied awake for over an hour with intense suicidal thoughts. I felt very heated on the inside and wanted to kill myself over various imaginary scenarios in which I made minor mistakes which built up into bigger mistakes. My attitude was along the lines of "I don't fucking care, I want to die." One of the aspects of this was the fact that I put my private parts in my sister's face when I was around seven or eight and mom was not happy about it. Logic such as I don't deserve to face the continuous harsh judgement does not make the attitude to away.

 I have been analyzing myself for a long time attempting to get to the psychological root of this whole thing. I spoke with a psychologist and didn't feel that it helped much. I have been allowing all kinds of memories to resurface as I realized the trauma that each of the memories held. They influenced my emotional system in many different ways, including the way in which I withhold happiness and excitement for fear of placing th expectations too high. I didn't want to let myself be happy for various reasons. I haven't yet considered the possibility that it is because I think I don't deserve to be happy.

After sleeping for two to three hours, I woke up again with many intense feelings. After rolling around trying to sleep to no avail, I suddenly had some insights. These insights lead to a sense of inner peace, joy, and happiness.

First of all, just because something didn't work doesn't mean we shouldn't do it. There are plenty of reasons why something may not work. It could be the context in which any thought of action occurred or it could be the execution of an attempted action. These childhood vows have some overlap with how I play chess. When I played a strategy that backfired it is often the case that the strategy is good, but not the best for a certain situation due to concrete reasons. It is easy for me to accept mistakes in a chess game, but it is hard to accept real mistakes because the consequences are much more substantial. If only I could change my attitude toward making mistakes. In fact the failure to admit our mistakes could have an even bigger impact as well. for instance, in a chess game it is better to admit a mistake than to justify it. Imagine I joined a cult and refused to admit it for my entire life. This denial is much more damaging than in a chess game as well.

Very often we take a narrow lesson away from childhood trauma but these lessons Are often limited or wrong. This changes my relationship with many beliefs because there are many possible different lessons which could be taken away from one thing. This opens a lot of doors and helps to heal through open mindedness.

I made sure to take a minute to write about gratitude for the peace and joy I felt. For the rest of the day I was very happy, energetic, and peaceful. Now that I am writing about this I am starting to feel anxious and heated again. I often have temporary insights with Grant me inner peace, but the temporary rise in conscious often fluctuates. I am paying attention to how my previous conclusions may lead to an upper limit problem in which I assume my downfall is soon to come due to things going too well.

I hope you got something out of this and can give some nice input. I am grateful for this forum and this particular section. It has helped me with a lot of over the years. The core issue is what I have described just now. There are many tangents that help a little in healing, but it would be nice to some how heal what ever THIS is. I am not sure of a better way to refer to this situation other than THIS.