caspex

Grinding Stage Orange

10 posts in this topic

This is the stage I need the most work done in right now and it's time I grind. Everything I say in this journal will intentionally be in the most Stage Orange language possible. This is because it will help me contemplate about topics in a more stage orange/ practicality oriented way. This journal is all about results. Materialistic results. Skill development, money, fame, dating, habits and so on. I will intentionally not give any fucks about being anything more than a practicality and results oriented person. It's time I take a more active role in my development. Posting this journal online is also a stage orange act of increasing ego, getting attention and competition. This will also help me keep myself accountable and responsible, making sure I don't lose some of the important stage Blue values. Next rule I will impose upon myself is that I'll write something here everyday. Only exception is if I literally can't due to reasons such as away, busy or sick. If I have nothing to write about I'll just contemplate some random topic with stage orange values in mind.

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Contemplation: Good Decision VS Bad Decision + Choosing the right goals

What's a good decision? It's something that takes you towards your goals. A bad decision is something that takes you away from it. To make a good decision, one requires depth of view of the consequences and possibilities. This requires experience. Since one isn't born with experience, it becomes very important one seeks the advice of those who do, to make good decisions. There is always risk involved. How would you know the one you seek advice from has the right advice for what your goals are? That itself requires experience. It's important one gathers experience in seeking advice. Failing from bad advice is a very good experience to see who to trust and not.

One cannot seek advice for every decision one makes in the day to day life. Why does one knowingly make bad decisions that they know are not in line with their goals? That is because the person doesn't have their goal in mind at the moment but something else. If one is oriented towards their goal, there is no reason to make a bad decision, unless there is another conflicting goal battling for the attention of the psyche.
This begs to question, should one kill all other goals in pursuit of one? I would say no. But one should kill all goals conflicting or very different from ones main goals. This means you have to make a decision of what goals to keep and which to discard. The goals you keep must all be similar. This is important because in today's world hardly anyone consciously chooses their goals. Usually your goals would be given by the people around you, the society around you and the media you consume.

Consume a lot of chess media? One of your goal becomes to be a better chess player.
Consume a lot of writing? One of your goal becomes to write a story.
Consume a lot of self-actualization material? One of your goals becomes to become a self-actualization teacher/guru.
Consume a lot of youtube videos? One of your goals becomes to become a youtuber.

See, there are many things you enjoy and can indeed enjoy. There are thousands of things out there that you'll enjoy doing, you just haven't discovered yet. Does that mean you have to have a goal for each of them? No. As a stage orange, your goals need to be logical and rational. They should be chosen consciously. Enjoying doing a certain thing doesn't mean you need to become better at it. That's an egoic goal.

Goals can be imposed upon you by others and by society as well. Such as graduating college. These goals are usually the ones that you wouldn't go for if it wasn't for others.

All your goals need to be instrumental towards the success of your terminal goals. Now every human has only two ultimate terminal goals, to not die, and to expand. This manifests itself as avoiding pain and seeking pleasure. More physically, to avoid injury and seeking reproduction.

So to set relatively terminal goals(only instrumental to your ultimate terminal goals), is the task at hand. So ask yourself this question for each of your goals, "How is this goal instrumental to my ultimate terminal goals of surviving and expansion?". You'll see that your goals one way or another, fulfill your ultimate terminal goals or needs for surviving and expansion. But some do it better than others. If you compared your old goals using that question as well, there is one interesting thing to notice. The old goals were let go of because they no longer helped with expansion or surviving. Why is that? That's because you changed. Your expansion changed you enough that you let go of your old you's survival. These goals are fleeting precisely because what they try to expand and preserve is a fleeting you. The more core to your being that the goal expands and preserves, the longer it'll last. Because the deepest parts of you take the longest to change.
All of this leads to a very important realization. That a goal that should be your main goal, your life purpose, on which all other goals hang, should be:

  1. A goal that changes the very core of your being. Expansion of your very core. Not of your personality or anything else, but the least fleeting part of you. A goal that fulfills your need for surviving and expanding at the deepest level possible.
     

This means you need to first figure out the very core of your being. The part that never changes. And then trying to find a goal that preserves and expands THAT core.
 

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Keeping in theme with the last post, what is that goal for me that effects my very core? Broadly speaking, that is exploration. This is very broad, as it includes stuff such as traveling, exploring the occult, exploring the mind, interest in spirituality as it explores life and reality, exploring the body through various disciplines, etc. I am cherry picking with what I value in exploration though. But it doesn't matter since I know what I value in exploration when I look at it, so there is no need to list em all down.

This is the same as 'understanding', although this has a certain different flavor to it. It's less intellectual or closed. Exploration and Understanding are both sides of the same coin.

With my core value/goal in mind, I can actually quite swiftly sort through my goals. I am left with the following:

Graduating College
Exercise (Only running for now)

Graduating college for me is an instrumental goal to my terminal goal of physical exploration without any financial problems. There are definitely other ways to reach this end, I just prefer the more traditional/familiar way for now.

I have no reason to pursue any other goals except these two.



 

Now, even though my core goal is exploration, I have a pretty deep need within me for egoic expansion, an expansion of my ego in the competitive sense. In a sense where I compare myself with others and then rise on top. Such as being more fit, having more IQ, more achievements, more skills, more reputation, more respect. Not because I want these things for the sake of them or because it gives me some thrill by being above others, but because it helps me fit in. See, this is not an orange desire/need at all, this is a blue need. Why? Because I see 'normal' as being accomplished and distinguished from the masses, and I know many such people, so to 'fit in' and 'be normal', I'd have to be above the average masses. I have this belief because of my Asian upbringing. The reason my self-esteem is low is because I am very average, but I see that as below average, because obviously I should be above average right? Right?

So to properly enter Orange here. I'd need to

  1. redefine 'normal' and 'average', specifically that being average isn't a bad thing
  2. use affirmations to tell myself I indeed fit in and am normal and average
  3. THEN start competing for the thrill of being above others

 

An example of how I'd do this:
 

Quote

It's actually very normal to have belly fat. Many people have it. Maybe not exactly in my age group, but speaking of humans in general, millions of people possess belly fat they'd like to get rid of. I have no need to 'fit in' by reducing my fat because I already fit in and am quite normal.

That said, it'd be very good for my health and looks to reduce this belly fat by dieting and exercising. I'd rise above the norm and look amazing with very less body fat!

 

Edited by Swarnim

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The Zeitgarnik Effect

It postulates that people remember unfinished or interrupted tasks better than completed tasks.
The best way to get your mind off the tension of remembering these tasks that you have to do later, is to just write them down.

In hindsight, this seems extremely simple. But I never did this and now that I did, so much stress has been lifted off my mind because I do not need to remember these tasks I have to do. The pressure of remembering all this stuff really made me stressed and unable to relax, is also why I sought escape through youtube shorts. I feel so much better now by just writing all the stuff down. It surprised me how much stuff I was holding on to remember. No wonder I couldn't relax.

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30 Day Challenges

I am not doing much action if I am not gonna be taking any drastic decisions to better my life. So I'll do these two challenges:

  • No-Fap
  • No Junk Food

I have never managed past 14 days on No-Fap, hopefully I am able to do 30 days this time. What's different this time is I'll be intentionally cutting off all triggers. One of the major ones being Anime and Manga. I'll only watch Blue Lock because it only has men in it, is a sports anime and is a pure Orange show. The other triggers that I am able to cut off is YT shorts and YT in general. In fact, I am not gonna watch any Youtube videos for these 30 days except the ones I have saved in watch later. I have like 90 videos saved in watch later with most of them being multiple hours long. And if I run out of that I always have good old Actualized.org for all my video consumption needs.
Now the problem with this approach is, with anime and much of YT gone, most of the things I do for fun have now been purged. So what do I do for good ol' introverted fun then? Well honestly I have no clue, I'll probably sleep or some shit. One of the reasons that I am doing this is to reduce the amount of diverse stimuli I get on a regular basis. I feel like that is really bad for staying stable in your goals, learning and emotions. I'll stick to having fun with friends outside when I am not studying or running.

No Junk Food is an interesting challenge for me I have never quite tried. I wanna fix my diet anyways and if I manage 30 days off it I'll just stay off it indefinitely. I eat junk on a regular basis so that definitely keeps my energy levels low.

I say it'll be a 30 challenge, but really I'll just start today which is 28 Feb, and end on 1 April. So it's a 32 days challenge but who cares about the specifics.

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I am gonna start making notes for all that I have studied for the coming examinations. As I stated in my previous post, running and studying are the only two things I should be focusing on. So I am gonna give most of my time to studying, now that it is freed from anime and other things.

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I said when making this thread that I'd post in it everyday but I realized that is too much for me at this stage. I'll post once a week(minimum).

The no fap challenge I failed but here's something I learned.
At the stage I am currently at, I am happier fapping every 5-7 days or so. Because past that I feel my urge to go after girls becomes crazy. It's not a bad thing but I really want to devote most of my time to my studies. I have a lot to study and my exams are coming up in June. I am doing two undergraduate courses at once. So I am going to stop trying to no-fap and just do it once every 5-7 days. Any more than that is too much imo.

The No Junk Food challenge went extremely well. Didn't eat any junk. But I did eat fast food here and there. I have decided to cut that out as well. Meaning I eat everything homemade, with exception to food orders here and there, which I'll minimize. I ate proper homecooked healthy meals today. What I am starting to learn now is how to housekeep sustainably which is good for my body and mind. Earlier I was so confused as to how adults can keep all clothes clean and tucked away at all times, dishes washed, the home clean, and eat only home cooked food. It's all about your mindset. See as you grow new things unlock for you that you couldn't do before because your mind has evolved. I couldn't gain value out of a to-do list before because I was too lazy. Now making one every night for the next day is doing wonders for me.

I have been tracking my finances for a few months and I realized that the amount of money I spend every month on junk food, fast food, takeaways can easily be redirected to buying more healthy ingredients and groceries to cook at home. See I was locked in a loop. The reason I was buying all this junk was because I had nothing to eat at home, but the reason I had nothing to eat at home was because I spent my money on all the unhealthy food. I have decided devote more of my time to cooking, and prep last night so I can cook really quick the next day.

Cutting out most of the seasonal anime I was watching has been such a good decision for me. I used to mostly watch Isekai anime. That kept me in a lazy mindset. It really is just a dopamine hit. The storyline wasn't good, I was just consuming mediocrity for the sake of distracting myself. Most of these seasonal anime I was watching had stopped growing me long ago. They were just a source of distraction and cutting them out has been a really good decision for my psyche. For context I was watching like 7-10 series this season. My mind has a lot less information intake right now and I have been able to adjust to the amount of variety I want in my content diet.

I have started exercising for strength now. There is some equipment at a nearby park that I can use for free to do upper body training. I am not going to the Gym because I can't afford a membership. But I won't let that stop me. I am training my core now as well. I stopped running because honestly I have no idea how much I should run or if at all. I am happy with my current stamina level. I have no training plan because I tried to make something or find one for me but it's too complicated for me at this stage. As I stated above, some things unlock later in life. So I'll just do the exercises that just seem right to me and use the equipment at the park.

It's not all perfect though. My time management could be better. I am still learning a lot. Very happy with my growth so far compared to the start of this month.

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Erratic Lifestyle and Impatient Exploration

After making schedules, routines and stuff many times, I have come to a conclusion that no matter how flexible I make it I can't stick to it. A schedule just doesn't work for me because I am way too erratic with my lifestyle. Sure I could force myself to be disciplined in that regard but that's just not who I am right now. I have tried disciplining myself, and done that for a couple of days, and I am not happy that way overall speaking. My life is just like that as of right now. Being erratic in my schedule makes me happier and more content, as long as I am not doing anything that takes my energy away without providing back any value.
Eg. Browsing YT Shorts, playing random games, watching/reading useless stuff online

Watching stuff online such as YT shorts is an interesting thing because I do genuinely learn new things and find new fields I am interested in through that process. It's just that if I do that too much it becomes more trouble than it's worth. Honestly I am so erratic that I can't get shit done unless it's the last minute, which I want to fix. But now I know I have to do that without boxing myself in schedules or routines.


See what's super interesting is that if I allow myself to be erratic but replace all the tasks I do with productive ones, sure it's harder to predict what I'll be productive in, but it's guaranteed that I'll be productive. One big point is though is that I don't want to fuel this variable lifestyle with short-lived motivations. Because if I do that I'll never finish doing anything. If I am gonna be inconsistent so be it, but I am gonna pick a few things to focus on only. I won't allow myself to do anything else before I finish those few things I picked. 

I am young and I really want to explore the world because of that youth in me. After all, I am finally old enough, physically capable enough, mentally aware enough to do and understand the things I have always wanted to understand. The urge to explore and learn is only natural. But it's very easy for that to sweep me away into trying all these new things which ultimately waste more time than provide growth. I honestly want explore all I want and still somehow have the energy and time to work on things so I can finish them because they are important to me. This is why I wish I didn't need to sleep, and the day had more hours to it. But that's not possible, so I'll have to pick and choose.

I think what I need to realize is that I DO infact have enough time to explore and finish doing stuff if I just focus on some at a time. I should be more patient. I need to understand that there is no need to be this impatient. I have a lot of time, and by the time I am 30 (A whole 12 years from now!), I can do most of what I want to do right now and much more to a degree I would never imagine. But only if I am patient with my exploration.

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Fear of Making Mistakes

Nothing but love to my mother but growing up before I was 10-11, I was scolded for making mistakes, not harshly but in a way that annoyed my mother. Logically speaking, you should only scold a child if that child does something bad intentionally or shows no motivation to try. If that child makes a mistake one should not scold them even if one gets annoyed. No matter how big the mistake is, it's still an honest mistake. Scolding a child for making an honest mistake is like blaming someone for a coincidence. It makes no sense. Since you cannot already know what you don't know, there is no way to predict a mistake. So all a child can do in such a situation is develop caution and doubt, playing it safe, and to avoid taking initiative. That's what happened with me.

I find it hard to take initiative because I am very scared of messing up. This is also why I avoid change and stick to what has worked for me. Taking risks pounds my heart. I always prepare a safety net when making a big change. Meaning that if I fail I can go back. This is good for situations where the risk is very high but this becomes dysfunctional where the change is due for a while but the indecision caused due to my fear of failing prevents me from making that change. If I can't get a safety net together but am forced by life to make that change, where the burden of failing is entirely on me, I usually feel very paranoid, as if having traveled too far into an unknown territory, wanting to go back home.

I really REALLY hate making mistakes. I have no qualms doing the same thing IF the blame of failing goes to someone else. This fear makes me a pawn rather than a leader. I love to take initiative when I can accept the burden of failing. I feel as if I have what it takes to be a leader, but this fear of failure is what limits me from that.

Cut to my current point in life and I am expected to have taken initiative a long time ago. I can't properly explain a situation to someone because I don't understand the situation well enough and fear portraying an inaccurate depiction of what happened. Because when I have to understand a situation I am too scared to ask.
This is also a major cause for my procrastination because I distract myself from doing tough things and taking tough decisions because that necessarily involves taking risk. I mentally project risk where there isn't any and try avoiding that situation even though there is no good reason to avoid it. I avoid situations simply because they are new. I avoid problems as if they'd fix themselves, until the problems gets worse enough for me to not have been left a choice.

All of this makes me feel as if I am pathetic and weak. Especially when I think of myself as a man, I really judge myself because of all of this. This gives me low self esteem. Because this feels bad, I again avoid this problem because I mentally project some risk onto taking initiative. "What if I invest all this will, time and energy into being better, but I just go back to being how I have always been anyways?". That's a legitimate fear for me. So not being able to do anything due to indecision, I simply distract myself. And only do things that I have to do to survive.

This fear makes me irresponsible, unreliable, lazy, indecisive, timid, weak-willed and cowardly. What's most amazing is I cherry pick in my memories only the moments where I wasn't this way, so as to maintain a personal image of being a decently responsible and reliable person. This is the reason why I start projects but never finish them. This is the reason I make promises but don't keep on them.

Persistence is when one constantly fails but tries again and again because their eye is on the ball. What persistence is there when one doesn't allow themselves to fail? Progression requires failure. Fear of failure is stagnation and stagnation is death.
 

I have now located a core problem within myself, that branches out into almost every other problem I have with myself. Now I shall be decisive in fixing this problem.

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Hello!  I didn't realize you already had a Journal started... I'm glad you're continuing... it's going to be beneficial I can see you seeing it too!  What I'm finding useful in my journal is to let it out... just like you are doing which is wonderful, but if you want to put another layer onto your growth... can i suggest to copy and paste what you wrote and go back and highlight the limiting beliefs you have.  Maybe you can just get better at noticing when you are still entertaining limiting belief.  Eventually... start to reword them to give you the feeling it's possible to change these beliefs.  You're doing amazing... I read some of your content and I love what I'm seeing.   And I see you catch yourself at times... but there's more to catch :x excited for you!

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