Looking back at 7 years of meditation practice

[Applegarden8]

Greetings,

Ever since I have found and implemented some spiritual practices in my life, I have developed a pattern.

One suffering comes my way, I will close up and reflect on it. It will take time energy to chew it, but I will always come blissfull on top of it, at the end of the day. I feel like my life is on fast forward. I am in a sea of desires and fears, so persistent, so large, yet so temporary and nonexistent. I underestand how to play with desire and fear a bit, mainly to relieve myself from them when needed. Yet, everything feels so intense, agitations become so amplified as well as pleasures. On top of that, whatever I experience, there is a layer of bliss behind it, but the feelings feel very real aswell, but not as real as they used to feel. It feels like I am on to something. But I have to keep going further. I also feel that mt values drift away further and further from the people I see everyday. But I trust myself more and more. I underestand more and more experientially that suffering is not your nature.

I am very tempted to go deeper, to go to some point of no return. I want to do a vipassana retreat or a practice like that. I want to really get along with physical, emotional pain and existential dread. I want to experience the common beliefs society has (which pushes and pulls you to do certain things) for what they are. Outside nothing much has to change, but internally it would be a catasrophic difference. I want to establish a system or pattern of actions or way of being that just works. Your praise or blame does not affect it. Just living for it's sake is enough. It's acctually incomperhandable that reality exists. I don't want to be the bundle of toughts and emotions and think I am something great, I do not resonate with these ideas. Maybe it sounds egostic, but my whole life is egoistic. Living to justify my existence. That i am or am not something and that I do something ot the latter. Or to do what you do or to strive what you are striving for.

I am married to my practice. It's all I want to do, there is nothing better to do after your survival needs have been met. My biggest wish for my life is to give me the highest freedom it can give. And here I am. It goes very deep guys. Your life will change with this. Hopefully for the better.

There are things you will find on the way which I can't really talk about, and I am not even there yet.

But I can be more intuitive, blissfull. Developed more trust in yourself and the world. Your life is less personal. Your past suffering doesn't mean basically anything to you. You have a reliable mechanism to relax and fight your depressions. Simple things feel more genuine. You feel a bit more romantic about death, and there is generally less fear about it. And you will for sure KNOW that you are something different (distinctly) than the body, mind or personality that you think you are. You will become more sielent, more self-sufficient. Less materialistic and more loving (most people.) Anger and boredom will reduce drastically, but you will feel it many times. It is also dangerous as you are flirting with solipsism. Your meanings and life-purpose will suffer, your relationships and sense of sekf worth will suffer. But these things anyway are a sinking ship. Better to come out earlier than later. Also you can go trough terrible experiences in being in cults etc. be careful of those. I almost went to India at one point. If you go alone and do it somewhat right, you will go very far. You can basically forget about what your peers are struggling (at least internally). The more you will grow the more you can grow and more possibilities are open to you. This means complete self-transformation in some sense. I see this is possible in a lifetime. I wish you to live abd become smarter and happier, leading to an ecstatic death experience as your last one.

Best of luck.

[Moksha]

?Realizing that you are not caught in a tidal storm of fears and desires, but can sink below the surface into the serenity of yourself, is ultimate freedom. You learn to let go, even of the remorse that you didn't see this earlier and could have avoided so much suffering for yourself and others. Regrets are replaced by profound humility and gratitude. You see that even this submission is an egoic act, which perpetuates the illusion of separation, but allow it anyway in order to continue celebrating the dream. You treasure this so deeply that you clearly see the shenanigans of the ego which fooled you for so long, including its attempt to take credit for this state, as if it had anything to do with it.

[Xochiquetzal]

Thanks for sharing your experience