Understanding what makes an "incel"

[5-D - L O V E]

This will be just me describing and explaining from first-hand experience many corelated "themes" that have shaped my ego and personal story.

I don't feel like I'll ever fully heal from this wound (unless some sort of miracle happens.. And I can't even fathom what form it would take), but this is valuable insight that came out of it.

 

Human connection, the ability to relate, to bond and form valuable close relationships with people (wheter it's family, friendships or "love") as a skill is shaped very early on by our main care-givers, and this connection ability structure forms its branches by the very experiences that happen to us on a day to day basis, it is like a perfect mirror (reflection) of our environment (family, society, institutions, religion, tradition, culture...).

 

Until we awaken to "personal sovregnity" and begin to shape our own destiny (through basic self development or deep spiritual journeys), we are swayed by whatever staus-quo exists, and our acts of rebelion and individuation only succeed to the extent of our sense of worth (the said "connection ability structure").

 

This in part, makes the act of relating to peple who have grown up in deeply dysfucntional families almost an unsurmountable task...

Because no matter the effort we put in, it feels like somethings in reality are "set in stone", and cannot be manoeuvered around, while knowing it is not truely the case (i.e for "confident" people, stones can be moved easily... naturally) and this creates a deep systemic issue for people who have naturally grown to be unconfident, unassertive with a strong sense of worth and being.

No matter the efforts I do, the approaches I do, the connections I try to form with friends... Everything feels "wrong", supericial, and love always feels unfair in the sense that I never receive the amount or depth of love I give...

Without mentioning all the rejections that just happen because I don't exhube "naturalness" around women because inside I don't have any good examples of aligned masculine or feminine character traits.

 

There is a lot of entrertwined feelings within this part of my life, it almost goes as deep as depth goes, and it is complex beyond belief... This is what haunts me, this is what had me breakthrough to unconceivable levels of thinking... It may seem like I'm overcomplicating things, or just not doing enough effort, or that I'm not having the right approach or vision to this situation, and it all may be true, but I have tried everything I thought of to no success...

 

Everything in my life fails because of this, I self-sabotage everything I start the moment these thoughts start creeping out, therapy won't help, this goes way beyond the realm of psychology or psychotherapy, reaching ecstatic or non-dual states on psychedelics is the only thing that transcends these feelings and integrates them, but it all seem to remain... no matter how much I try to let go

 

This is true pain, the pain that renders every other feeling  null, pain that I can't transmute

Pain that caused me to miss my life, barely develop a sense of self, pain that made me transparent to the world for more than half of my life, it just is.