"intimacy"

[soos_mite_ah]

1 hour ago, Judy2 said:

would you say that you are happy and stable with the way you are eating now? 

I would say so for the most part.  

[Judy2]

47 minutes ago, soos_mite_ah said:

I would say so for the most part.  

that's good to hear:) i think it's totally fine that this sort of thing is work in progress, and there can be ongoing improvements. 

[Judy2]

right now it seems like an impossible task to achieve a healthy relationship with food. the balance between making my body and mind think i'm restricting vs overeating (just to know that i don't have to be restricting anymore?) is quite delicate...and whenever there is such delicate of a balance between two extremes that needs to be achieved, i wonder if someone as unstable and unsteady as myself is even capable of that. ...so i'm kinda worried where things will take me, if there'll inevitably always be either a "too little" or "too much" for me...if it's even possible for me to strike the right balance. i don't know. i'm trying my best to work on it at the moment.

especially since the same emotional triggers that would typically lead me to undereat (conflict, noise, feeling misunderstood, feeling inferior/ugly,...) are still around, and i don't quite know how to deal with them.

Edited Monday at 07:47 PM by Judy2

[Judy2]

it's kind of creepy to think about how much of an open system a body is. not separate. fully enmeshed with its environment. stuff goes in and out all the time, and the body morphs and changes.

noise goes in, ideas go in... none of that really is "myself" or "my own", when it's all equally owned by the environments that have shaped and created me.

at the same time, i know it's a huge pattern for me to hate this fact, to hate how susceptible i am to external stimuli (noise, emotional interpersonal dynamics)...they cut right through me, every time. and then i wish to cope with that either by restricting the consumption of food that i can control, or by literally cutting my own skin to visualise what is happening all the time anyway, but no one sees it.

i feel so vulnerable. and vulnerability is just fact, there's really nothing i can do about it. it's natural that, if i'm a part of this world, i have to interact with it. but something about it seems so horrible and i want to withdraw and run away and hide and find a safe place, but there is no safe place, absolutely nowhere... and they keep cutting through me. 

so funnily enough, me being infinitely vulnerable, not separate,... is fact, either way. systemically speaking. but then the system itself has created the me that now really wants to be separate and really despises the factual vulnerability here, tries to control what goes in and out, tries so, so hard to clearly delineate her boundaries when in fact she can't, because she has no boundaries...now that's a bit strangeloopy.

i wish i had boundaries.

 

[Judy2]

i'm really scared that i'll never stop gaining weight, and that i'll soon be really fat and ugly and i'll have to hate myself.

i don't trust my body, and i guess my body doesn't trust me either. it's telling me i'm hungry at really odd times - i don't understand this and i am incredibly scared. 

[Judy2]

5 years ago, when i was in a somewhat similar situation of needing to weight-restore (albeit from a much lower weight), it resulted in me becoming really big and ugly, and then that resulted in five years of self-hatred, self-isolation, hiding my body, being unable to go outside, being unable to visit my hometown, staying in all day long and only being able to go outside with long clothes on, or really late in the evenings when the streets were empty. it involved a lot of suffering and self-hatred and isn't something i want to relive. 

so it makes absolute sense that i am scared now. 

...wrote an email to another local counselling service specialised in eating disorders...because i really am scared and worried, specifically because my hunger cues are so messed up and i don't know where it will take me if i acknowledge them. i'm at a healthy BMI, i shouldn't be this hungry. it absolutely terrifies me. 

Edited Tuesday at 02:51 PM by Judy2

[Judy2]

...felt hopeful this morning, but i am still struggling a bit and feeling scared and overall unsteady. 

[Judy2]

had a bit of a weird moment just now when i very briefly considered letting that other part of me speak up for a second. the part of me that wants to live, and that's been here all along, the part of me that does not doubt my permission to exist or eat or be or feel or heal. i considered briefly that that's the true me, and the other me was just a fake front and could easily be eradicated. i got a bit confused then, about who i am, if i am not the me that hates myself.

then it scared me so much and it seemed like such a trippy change in perspectives that i dissociated for a few seconds and things got awkward. it turned existential again. real existential, experiential - not just psychological. only for a few seconds though...but i haven't had this happen to me in a bit (couple of weeks).

very scary. very, very scary world indeed.

Edited Thursday at 09:43 PM by Judy2

[Judy2]

i still believe it's true that my personal experience with dissociative states speaks to an awareness that all these psychological troubles relate to much deeper, more existential, metaphysical dimensions.

and i think psychologists and therapists are not aware of this depth and literally don't believe me. i think they themselves are not aware of the degree to which dissociative states are structurally existential. the doctors i have worked with this year, at least, were very superficial in their psychological, and perhaps physiological contextualisation of these states. they are unaware of the real depth and the real significance, they are unaware that dissociative states introduce and shed light on a whole different dimension that transcends the purely psychological, revealing more existential structures and facets of the self and of experience.

 

*i think for other people undergoing psychological healing, the same existential dimensions need to be active, too, for insights and shifts to occur. it's full BEING, full EXISTENCE, not just one-dimensional psychology. i assume that that's actively at play in other people undergoing psychological change, too. it almost has to be. All the same Being, all the same radical Aliveness. RADICAL. so i'm not special in that by any means. what might be unique about my journey is that i am approaching or underoing these shifts while having a more explicit metaphysical understanding (at least seemingly, at the level of thought-based constructs) than what i assume the average person does. not to sound egotistical, but i know that most people don't get all existential about their mental health - not as explicitly as i do (they might feel it, but probably not think it/notice it)....not sure if i'm making sense here or if it's understandable what i mean. and it's not to say i'm special or anything, i just know that my approach to mental illness and my journey of recovering from mental illness is quite unique.

it always gets very messy when the metaphysical and the psychological intermingle and intersect.

don't know if anyone understands what i'm trying to say here, but i suppose that's okay.

Edited Thursday at 10:10 PM by Judy2

[Judy2]

i'm incredibly terrified of my own Depth, and my own Greatness.

[Judy2]

it seems terrifying but i think i might have the power to literally deconstruct that whole self-worth issue of mine. because it literally doesn't make any sense from start to finish. 

like why would i even need to hate myself? it doesn't make any sense.

but it's so scary to let go of it! cause who would i be without that? and maybe i'd be ugly without that... maybe i'll have to hate myself then...

[Judy2]

it's so scary to be alive. but i don't have much of a choice in that, i'm literally trapped inside a dream, inside my own existence. i can't not exist.

[Judy2]

i'm so scared of being here.

being fully, fully here.

 

 

it's terrifying.

it's also just so awkward, and so weird. to "be me".

[Judy2]

Life is so, so, so weird

[Judy2]

...i notice that i have been quite stressed these past two weeks.

making a conscious effort now to reduce that, cause i have a feeling that it might help things quiet down a bit, which is very much needed.

i'd very much like to just focus on the essentials for now (including my thesis) and get rid of aaaaall the rest, as that's been putting way too much pressure on me. 

i'm happy to tackle a handful of things at a time, that's enough and feels so much better than having my energy diffuse in a thousand different directions.