"intimacy"

[Judy2]

i wore one of my favourite outfits today and felt very good and comfortable because of it: a dark blue skirt with a white shirt tugged in, plus my pearl earrings and my hair down. 

[Judy2]

okay, last comment on this topic:

i changed my mind. those pics are hard to look at.

i guess what sucks is that i survived this, and now i'd expect myself to be doing brilliant in life, which simply isn't the case.

that's something i hardly ever hear anyone talk about when it comes to recovery. there's this implicit assumption (that i assume people have), that you only recover when things are good. (it's what actively kept me from attempting recovery for many years - feeling as though people would misunderstand that part, and how hurt i would feel because of that.) usually, it's the opposite. being healthy feels SO much harder than "simply" (not easily, but simply) being ill. 

because success or happiness are so abstract, so vague, so undefined. it was easy when happiness was (simply) defined as being as ill as possible, weighing as little as possible, eating as little as possible. Life, in all its facets, is so much more complicated, so confusing. it was easy to live in this weird world that i had explicitly defined for myself as "not real life", where i could safely live in dreams and fantasies...and now i'm living life, i knew it would be hard, and it is indeed hard. and i don't know at what point it will start feeling like choosing this was worth it. 

 

i have compassion for my past self and who i was back then. i know she felt very, very deeply about things♡  now i'm crying. in a good way, though.

Edited Saturday at 09:29 PM by Judy2

[Judy2]

apparently, now i feel sadness or compassion for my past self? which is something i've never felt before. feels very weird, to say i have compassion for my past self.

cause i'm here and i could hold myself, but i can't go back and comfort her now. so what do i do with this feeling?

Edited Saturday at 09:35 PM by Judy2

[Judy2]

"i have a lot of compassion for my past self."

 

i guess this is progress, but it's SO confusing. there we have it. 

i would have hated myself for saying that a couple years ago. would have thought it sounds so arrogant. now it feels warm, steady. trusting? something like that, i can't think of the right word. it feels like i'm doing the right, gentle thing.

Edited Saturday at 09:46 PM by Judy2

[Judy2]

i remember last year, when i was at the DBT clinic, and i sat at the table crying, because i'd remembered my dissociations that i had around the time frame shown in the pictures. maybe i felt compassion then, too. but it was also very confusing.

[Judy2]

♡

[Yimpa]

@Judy2 💗

[Judy2]

...still so confusing. on the one hand, i am glad that i am finally processing this, and it feels promising to be experiencing such a shift. that's cool.

on the other hand, the sadness feels very real, and i wasn't prepared for this. 

maybe i do want to be comforted now, vicariously for my past self, after all. and not just by myself.

maybe i want people to know that i'm sad so that they can comfort me.

i had to deal with recovery all on my own, i had no real support, didn't want it cause the prospect seemed so triggering. someone could have said one wrong thing and it would have all collapsed. 

but maybe i don't want to be all alone with the things i feel now, at the very least. 

maybe i deserve to share that i feel sad. 

[Judy2]

5 minutes ago, Yimpa said:

@Judy2 💗

♥️

[Judy2]

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the thing is, i still get off on it.

sure, i can feel pleasure doing harmless things, too. i can enjoy the sight of some flowers, the feeling of moving my body, going on walks, smelling herbs or lavender, swimming, watching the sun set.

but then sometimes my mind just naturally drifts to imagining some kind of situation where i'll bleed out and cry in front of everybody. when i'll finally have a legitimate reason to act out some latent sense of misery and despair. when i'll undergo some serious trauma, receive some dramatic news to finally justify having a public meltdown that will look very concerning to everybody. why do i feel so much relief imagining that? why's it not entirely off-putting, but it feels good?

maybe i'm constantly re-creating these thoughts. i have been told before that sometimes i'm creating drama as the only way to experience real connection. but then, i never feel as loved as when there's drama. i can do human connection without the drama, and it's never quite as fun.

maybe i should switch careers and start writing BDSM novels, by the sound of this.