"intimacy"

[Judy2]

i wore one of my favourite outfits today and felt very good and comfortable because of it: a dark blue skirt with a white shirt tugged in, plus my pearl earrings and my hair down. 

[Judy2]

okay, last comment on this topic:

i changed my mind. those pics are hard to look at.

i guess what sucks is that i survived this, and now i'd expect myself to be doing brilliant in life, which simply isn't the case.

that's something i hardly ever hear anyone talk about when it comes to recovery. there's this implicit assumption (that i assume people have), that you only recover when things are good. (it's what actively kept me from attempting recovery for many years - feeling as though people would misunderstand that part, and how hurt i would feel because of that.) usually, it's the opposite. being healthy feels SO much harder than "simply" (not easily, but simply) being ill. 

because success or happiness are so abstract, so vague, so undefined. it was easy when happiness was (simply) defined as being as ill as possible, weighing as little as possible, eating as little as possible. Life, in all its facets, is so much more complicated, so confusing. it was easy to live in this weird world that i had explicitly defined for myself as "not real life", where i could safely live in dreams and fantasies...and now i'm living life, i knew it would be hard, and it is indeed hard. and i don't know at what point it will start feeling like choosing this was worth it. 

 

i have compassion for my past self and who i was back then. i know she felt very, very deeply about things♡  now i'm crying. in a good way, though.

Edited 4 hours ago by Judy2

[Judy2]

apparently, now i feel sadness or compassion for my past self? which is something i've never felt before. feels very weird, to say i have compassion for my past self.

cause i'm here and i could hold myself, but i can't go back and comfort her now. so what do i do with this feeling?

Edited 3 hours ago by Judy2

[Judy2]

"i have a lot of compassion for my past self."

 

i guess this is progress, but it's SO confusing. there we have it. 

i would have hated myself for saying that a couple years ago. would have thought it sounds so arrogant. now it feels warm, steady. trusting? something like that, i can't think of the right word. it feels like i'm doing the right, gentle thing.

Edited 3 hours ago by Judy2

[Judy2]

i remember last year, when i was at the DBT clinic, and i sat at the table crying, because i'd remembered my dissociations that i had around the time frame shown in the pictures. maybe i felt compassion then, too. but it was also very confusing.

[Judy2]

♡

[Yimpa]

@Judy2 💗

[Judy2]

...still so confusing. on the one hand, i am glad that i am finally processing this, and it feels promising to be experiencing such a shift. that's cool.

on the other hand, the sadness feels very real, and i wasn't prepared for this. 

maybe i do want to be comforted now, vicariously for my past self, after all. and not just by myself.

maybe i want people to know that i'm sad so that they can comfort me.

i had to deal with recovery all on my own, i had no real support, didn't want it cause the prospect seemed so triggering. someone could have said one wrong thing and it would have all collapsed. 

but maybe i don't want to be all alone with the things i feel now, at the very least. 

maybe i deserve to share that i feel sad. 

[Judy2]

5 minutes ago, Yimpa said:

@Judy2 💗

♥️