"intimacy"

[Judy2]

...now that i think about it, i feel kinda panicky

[Judy2]

i feel nervous and anxious... like i'm about to snap any second and either have a panic attack or dissociate. 

 

it's normal, i'm in a new city, i'm not used to having this many appointments and going so many new places, being around so many people. it's normal and it'll be fine. 

but gosh, i'm panicking.  ...dissociating?

 

i've had too much caffeine and i am definitely getting hypervigilant, hyperaware. it's odd, but apparently i feel safer outside than in my flat? which isn't how it usually goes for me. but inside, i'm all stuck, alone with my feelings - and that only enhances the anxiety, when i let myself feel it. at least outside, i'm kind of used to suppressing things a bit. 

it's a lot. 

[UnbornTao]

1 minute ago, Judy2 said:

i've had too much caffeine

Can confirm. Quitting for a few weeks or months helps a lot in this regard, I've found. Exercising is also crucial. 

[Judy2]

@UnbornTao yeah you're right:) i like caffeine paired with exercise, though... but i guess it's also a matter of how much do i have, and i've had too much today.

[Judy2]

1 hour ago, Judy2 said:

i feel nervous and anxious... like i'm about to snap any second and either have a panic attack or dissociate. 

 

it's normal, i'm in a new city, i'm not used to having this many appointments and going so many new places, being around so many people. it's normal and it'll be fine. 

but gosh, i'm panicking.  ...dissociating?

 

i've had too much caffeine and i am definitely getting hypervigilant, hyperaware. it's odd, but apparently i feel safer outside than in my flat? which isn't how it usually goes for me. but inside, i'm all stuck, alone with my feelings - and that only enhances the anxiety, when i let myself feel it. at least outside, i'm kind of used to suppressing things a bit. 

it's a lot. 

i guess it's also the combination of being in a new apartment i don't feel quite comfortable in yet, and then also starting at uni. that's too many destabilising factors all at once, because it removes too many of the "pillars" i could hold onto while the others crumble a bit. now it feels like the entire roof is coming down, because it's being shaken up all at once.

a pillar still standing: i did my make-up this morning and it turned out quite nice and i wore a really nice outfit, a dark blue skirt and a white top with light blue flowers, plus my pale pink coat and my white fllower hand bag.

another one: exercise, my gym routine, the obstacle run i am training for.

and another one: the book i am currently reading (the third part of the Fourth Wing series, maybe not as good as the first one? but still interesting enough)

Edited Tuesday at 03:05 PM by Judy2

[UnbornTao]

34 minutes ago, Judy2 said:

@UnbornTao yeah you're right:) i like caffeine paired with exercise, though... but i guess it's also a matter of how much do i have, and i've had too much today.

Yep. In any case it's worth trying to quit it for a while and see the effects. A couple of espressos are enough to mess up my day.

[Judy2]

39 minutes ago, UnbornTao said:

Yep. In any case it's worth trying to quit it for a while and see the effects. A couple of espressos are enough to mess up my day.

what about green tea?

[UnbornTao]

6 hours ago, Judy2 said:

what about green tea?

It gives me a nice, calm focus boost. Way less jittery than coffee, in my experience. Much better alternative.

Edited Tuesday at 09:03 PM by UnbornTao

[Judy2]

yesterday was better for the most part. 

today, not so much. there are way too many triggers accumulating, there's way too many moments of discomfort filling my days. the studies are great, i like my little corner with the desk in my apartment, i like my book, my study routines, the fields right outside my door. i like the blossoming trees, the fact that the Institute is nearby and i can get there in 10 minutes. 

i hate the yellow floor in my apartment, how i hear it every time somebody flushes their toilet or uses the sink in the surrounding apartments, how i have to wait at ugly bus stops and walk ugly, dirty streets whenever i want to get somewhere in the city centre. i hate the dimensions of my kitchen, how it's too narrow and simultaneously the cupboard is hung at a height for someone much taller than me, so i can barely reach the second shelf. then there are a lot of triggers going on with my family, too. body image problems. technical problems keep coming in. my heat keeps cracking every few seconds starting at 5 am, and then again at 11pm. body image issues. i feel like i look and am really ugly. i keep getting lost in the city because google maps is inaccurate, too. some machines at the gym have weird dimensions, the seats are either too big or when i sit at the front, really uncomfortable, so much so that i can't properly do my exercises, or people walk too close while i am trying to push myself, or the ground is vibrating my machine because too many people are using the treadmills right next to me. music pierces through my headphones, i'm jittery... 

it's just so much and pretty exhausting atm. just too many new things happening all at once. 

Edited yesterday at 09:32 AM by Judy2

[Judy2]

On 07/04/2026 at 6:57 PM, UnbornTao said:

It gives me a nice, calm focus boost. Way less jittery than coffee, in my experience. Much better alternative.

yes, i usually have green tea, but a few days ago i switched to coffee....should probably switch that back again...

[UnbornTao]

2 hours ago, Judy2 said:

yes, i usually have green tea, but a few days ago i switched to coffee....should probably switch that back again...

💪

[Judy2]

i overdosed on caffeine again because i said yes too quickly and now i have to go to a party tonight. i'm not a party person, but i felt like it was nice to be asked because i thought the other students didn't like me but turns out some of them do so it looks like i'm going now. 

anyway, this entire time i'm still thinking.... this is just a little too much change. change isn't bad, i like change, change can be good. i've been craving change for so long. but it can also be a little too much, too. i'm scared. 

i almost don't recognise myself. i feel like i'm losing myself - which isn't bad, either, but it's still SO MUCH. 

i also don't know what better thing i'd be doing if i wasn't here, i probably wouldn't be doing anything better - but it's still scary. 

i feel like i'm going crazy...like i'm so insecure, but no one would believe me because i'm just doing stuff even though i'm insecure about it, essentially. i guess this is what the people who do stuff do - they just do it and no one knows they're insecure? God...

 

i felt myself dissociating a few minutes ago while doing my make-up and looking a little too intensely in the mirror. 

things are a bit crazy right now and my brain is still very overwhelmed. it's the combination of the new environment, new career path, life path, people. like....being social all throughout it. normally i don't meet that many people. and now i meet people and have to face that weird shift, being around them and the state of mind it puts me in, all while tackling this instability, this destabilised phase that my brain is currently in. 

it's all very trippy and i can tell my brain hasn't adjusted yet....still very much overload, overwhelming. 

scary. 

like i'm not even back to baseline yet, because everything's still so new and all over the place. aaah! 

 

i'm really scared. 

[Judy2]

like i feel like i'm dying. oh God. 

[Judy2]

this is all just a tiny bit too intense for me these days

[Judy2]

i can't even find my centre anymore ...and i wonder if something has to snap big time before this can go back to normal, or if it will just fade out quietly as i get more comfortable and familiar around here. right now, i can still tell there's so much exhaustion and overload. i don't feel normal. 

Edited 2 hours ago by Judy2

[Judy2]

i think strange people trigger my dissociative tendencies even more. 

new place, new people, new everything.... - i think i'm so extreme in the way i do change. this isn't the first time, either. cause i'm always either very complacent about it, then do it all in one go. i feel so stupid for being such an "extremist" in life...

 

i thought it was good for me to change...to be more active and alive in life. but then i do too much of it at once and my brain can't handle that, either. i never seem to know the middle way.

Edited 2 hours ago by Judy2