"intimacy"

[Judy2]

...now that i think about it, i feel kinda panicky

[Judy2]

i feel nervous and anxious... like i'm about to snap any second and either have a panic attack or dissociate. 

 

it's normal, i'm in a new city, i'm not used to having this many appointments and going so many new places, being around so many people. it's normal and it'll be fine. 

but gosh, i'm panicking.  ...dissociating?

 

i've had too much caffeine and i am definitely getting hypervigilant, hyperaware. it's odd, but apparently i feel safer outside than in my flat? which isn't how it usually goes for me. but inside, i'm all stuck, alone with my feelings - and that only enhances the anxiety, when i let myself feel it. at least outside, i'm kind of used to suppressing things a bit. 

it's a lot. 

[UnbornTao]

1 minute ago, Judy2 said:

i've had too much caffeine

Can confirm. Quitting for a few weeks or months helps a lot in this regard, I've found. Exercising is also crucial. 

[Judy2]

@UnbornTao yeah you're right:) i like caffeine paired with exercise, though... but i guess it's also a matter of how much do i have, and i've had too much today.

[Judy2]

1 hour ago, Judy2 said:

i feel nervous and anxious... like i'm about to snap any second and either have a panic attack or dissociate. 

 

it's normal, i'm in a new city, i'm not used to having this many appointments and going so many new places, being around so many people. it's normal and it'll be fine. 

but gosh, i'm panicking.  ...dissociating?

 

i've had too much caffeine and i am definitely getting hypervigilant, hyperaware. it's odd, but apparently i feel safer outside than in my flat? which isn't how it usually goes for me. but inside, i'm all stuck, alone with my feelings - and that only enhances the anxiety, when i let myself feel it. at least outside, i'm kind of used to suppressing things a bit. 

it's a lot. 

i guess it's also the combination of being in a new apartment i don't feel quite comfortable in yet, and then also starting at uni. that's too many destabilising factors all at once, because it removes too many of the "pillars" i could hold onto while the others crumble a bit. now it feels like the entire roof is coming down, because it's being shaken up all at once.

a pillar still standing: i did my make-up this morning and it turned out quite nice and i wore a really nice outfit, a dark blue skirt and a white top with light blue flowers, plus my pale pink coat and my white fllower hand bag.

another one: exercise, my gym routine, the obstacle run i am training for.

and another one: the book i am currently reading (the third part of the Fourth Wing series, maybe not as good as the first one? but still interesting enough)

Edited Tuesday at 03:05 PM by Judy2

[UnbornTao]

34 minutes ago, Judy2 said:

@UnbornTao yeah you're right:) i like caffeine paired with exercise, though... but i guess it's also a matter of how much do i have, and i've had too much today.

Yep. In any case it's worth trying to quit it for a while and see the effects. A couple of espressos are enough to mess up my day.

[Judy2]

39 minutes ago, UnbornTao said:

Yep. In any case it's worth trying to quit it for a while and see the effects. A couple of espressos are enough to mess up my day.

what about green tea?

[UnbornTao]

6 hours ago, Judy2 said:

what about green tea?

It gives me a nice, calm focus boost. Way less jittery than coffee, in my experience. Much better alternative.

Edited Tuesday at 09:03 PM by UnbornTao

[Judy2]

yesterday was better for the most part. 

today, not so much. there are way too many triggers accumulating, there's way too many moments of discomfort filling my days. the studies are great, i like my little corner with the desk in my apartment, i like my book, my study routines, the fields right outside my door. i like the blossoming trees, the fact that the Institute is nearby and i can get there in 10 minutes. 

i hate the yellow floor in my apartment, how i hear it every time somebody flushes their toilet or uses the sink in the surrounding apartments, how i have to wait at ugly bus stops and walk ugly, dirty streets whenever i want to get somewhere in the city centre. i hate the dimensions of my kitchen, how it's too narrow and simultaneously the cupboard is hung at a height for someone much taller than me, so i can barely reach the second shelf. then there are a lot of triggers going on with my family, too. body image problems. technical problems keep coming in. my heat keeps cracking every few seconds starting at 5 am, and then again at 11pm. body image issues. i feel like i look and am really ugly. i keep getting lost in the city because google maps is inaccurate, too. some machines at the gym have weird dimensions, the seats are either too big or when i sit at the front, really uncomfortable, so much so that i can't properly do my exercises, or people walk too close while i am trying to push myself, or the ground is vibrating my machine because too many people are using the treadmills right next to me. music pierces through my headphones, i'm jittery... 

it's just so much and pretty exhausting atm. just too many new things happening all at once. 

Edited 8 hours ago by Judy2

[Judy2]

On 07/04/2026 at 6:57 PM, UnbornTao said:

It gives me a nice, calm focus boost. Way less jittery than coffee, in my experience. Much better alternative.

yes, i usually have green tea, but a few days ago i switched to coffee....should probably switch that back again...

[UnbornTao]

2 hours ago, Judy2 said:

yes, i usually have green tea, but a few days ago i switched to coffee....should probably switch that back again...

💪